Help for Battered Men

Domestic violence befalls mostly women, but men are victims, too.
FROM THE WEBMD ARCHIVES

More than 830,000 men fall victim to domestic violence

every year, which means every 37.8 seconds, somewhere
in America a man is battered, according to the National
Violence Against Women Survey. While more than 1.5
million women are also victims, everyone -- no matter
their sex --deserves help.
"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength,"
says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It's about abuse,
control, and power, and getting out of dangerous
situations and getting help, whether you are a woman
being abused, or a man."
There are more than 4,000 domestic violence programs in
the U.S., but Brown says very few actually offer the same
services to men as they do women. So where can a man
turn for support when they are being abused? Domestic
violence experts offer advice for men who may be falling
through the cracks.

Abuse Against Men

"Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic
violence against women," says Brown. "It can come in the
form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial."
As with abuse against women, Brown explains that abuse
against men can mean a partner or spouse will:
Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as
punishment
  Criticize, name call, or shout
 Take away your car keys or money
 Regularly threaten to leave or to make you leave
 Threaten to hurt you or a family member
 Punish or deprive your children when angry at you
 Threaten to kidnap the children if you leave
 Abuse or hurt your pets
 Harass you about affairs your spouse imagines you
are having
 Manipulate you with lies and contradictions
 Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break
appliances
 Wield a gun/knife in a threatening way
 Hit, kick, shove, punch, bite, spit, or throw things
when upset

In one instance, Brown received a letter from a woman

who said her brother was being abused by his wife, who
would scratch him, throw things at him, point a gun at
him, break his eyeglasses, and flush his medications down
the toilet -- among other things.
"The sister said in her letter that her brother stitched a cut
on his arm himself, with a thread and needle, because his
wife had cut him and he didn't want to go to the hospital,"
says Brown. "Can you imagine being so embarrassed that
your wife hits you that you do that?"

Distinguishing Factors
That is a distinguishing factor between battered women
and battered men, explains Brown: Men -- like this one --
are more likely to be embarrassed by their abuse, making
them less likely to report it, according to the Domestic
Abuse Helpline for Men web site, which states men often
worry, "What will people think if they knew I let a woman
beat up on me?" and "I don't want to be laughed at; no
one would believe me."
Another distinguishing factor is that while women who are
abused are more likely to be pushed or shoved, beat up,
or threatened with a gun, the women who do the abusing
are more likely to throw something, kick or bite, hit with
an object, threaten with a knife, or actually use a knife,
according to the National Violence Against Women Survey.
And perhaps the most important difference is that women
who batter may have a greater ability to use the "system"
to their advantage.
"Systemic abuse can occur when a woman who is abusing
her husband or boyfriend threatens that he will never see
his children again if he leaves or reports the abuse," says
Philip Cook, program director of Stop Abuse for Everyone.
"A man caught in this situation believes that no matter
what his wife or girlfriend does, the court is going to give
her custody, and this greatly limits his ability to leave.
While this can occur when a woman is being abused, it is
more likely to happen when a woman is abusing."
Women, explains Cook, who is author of Abused Men: The
Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, may also be able to use
the system to their advantage in that they are less likely to
be arrested if police are called as a result of a domestic
dispute.
"There is no national data on average arrest rates for
women in domestic disputes," says Cook. "My best guess
is that it's about 20%. But we do know anecdotally that
there are many men who, when the police arrive, clearly
have the most serious injury, clearly when interviewed
separately indicate the female started it, and nonetheless,
the man gets arrested. This does indeed happen."
So where can men who are being abused turn for support,
and what steps should they take to get out of dangerous
situations?

Getting Help
The first step in getting help is reaching out.
"The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men is the only one in
the nation that offers support and help in finding resources
specifically for men," says Brown, of the not-for-profit
helpline. "We'll provide options and support and help a
man understand that the abuse is not his fault and it is not
acceptable." The Domestic Abuse Helpline can be reached
from anywhere in the US and Canada, 24 hours a day,
seven days a week, by calling 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-
743-5754).
"What people should know is that abuse is about power
and control, and regardless of whether the victim is a man
or a woman, it is never OK," says Havilah Tower-Perkins,
media relations coordinator for the National Domestic
Violence Hotline. "We urge anyone whose relationship
scares them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
(NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the
deaf: (800) 787-3224. The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a
day, year round with live advocates who can answer
questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to
resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is
anonymous."
Stopping the Abuse
Other steps for men who are being abused to take include:

 "Never allow yourself to be provoked into any kind of

retaliation," says Brown. "We tell men if they have to
be in an argument, do it in a room with two doors so
they can leave; a lot of times a woman will block the
door, the man will try to move her, and that will be
enough for him to get arrested."
 "Document everything," says Cook. "Go to your doctor
and tell him what happened, even if he doesn't ask
how you were injured. Take photographs of your
injuries, and make sure if the police are called that
they take a report, and get a copy of the report for
yourself."
 "Work with an advocate from a domestic violence
program to get a restraining order," says Brown. "Not
only will this help protect you from an abusive
partner, but it will also allow you to ask for temporary
custody of your children in order to protect them from
the domestic violence."
 Get counseling so you can start healing, and get legal
advice, says Cook.
 Talk with your family and friends who can help
support you. "They will understand," says Brown.

"Abusers are good at making you feel isolated and alone,

but you're not," says Brown. "We get calls from all types of
people -- doctors, lawyers, laborers, people in the military.
The biggest hurdle they face is finding someone who
believes them. If they are believed, they can get help, and
that's why we're here."
Domestic violence
Domestic violence against men isn't always easy to identify, but it can be a
serious threat. Know how to recognize if you're being abused — and how to get
help.
By Mayo Clinic Staff

Women aren't the only victims of domestic violence. Understand the signs of domestic
violence against men, and know how to get help.

Recognize domestic violence against men

Domestic violence — also known as intimate partner violence — occurs between
people who are or have been in a close relationship. Domestic violence can take many
forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse, stalking and threats of abuse. It
can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.
Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser
uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.
It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the
relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that
later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as
isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise not to abuse you again.
You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

 Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

 Prevents you from going to work or school
 Stops you from seeing family members or friends
 Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
 Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
 Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
 Tries to control whether you can see a health care provider
 Threatens you with violence or a weapon
 Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
 Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
 Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
 Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual
orientation or gender identity
If you're gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence
if you're in a relationship with someone who:

 Tells you that authorities won't help a gay, bisexual or transgender person
 Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that gay, bisexual or
transgender relationships are deviant
 Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" gay, bisexual or transgender
 Says that men are naturally violent
Don't take the blame
You may not be sure whether you're the victim or the abuser. It's common for survivors
of domestic violence to act out verbally or physically against the abuser, yelling,
pushing, or hitting him or her during conflicts. The abuser may use such incidents to
manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner.
You may have developed unhealthy behaviors. Many survivors do. That doesn't mean
you are at fault for the abuse.
If you're having trouble identifying what's happening, take a step back and look at larger
patterns in your relationship. Then, review the signs of domestic violence. In an abusive
relationship, the person who routinely uses these behaviors is the abuser. The person
on the receiving end is being abused.
Even if you're still not sure, seek help. Intimate partner violence causes physical and
emotional damage — no matter who is at fault.

Children and abuse

Domestic violence affects children, even if no one is physically attacking them. If you
have children, remember that being exposed to domestic violence makes them more
likely to have developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school,
aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help could
further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. Fathers
might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. However,
getting help is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

Break the cycle

If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

 Your abuser threatens violence.

 Your abuser strikes you.
 Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
 The cycle repeats itself.
Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.
Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious, and can increase your risk of
having a drug or alcohol problem. Because men are traditionally thought to be
physically stronger than women, you might be less likely to report domestic violence in
your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment. You might also worry that people
will minimize the importance of the abuse because you're a man. Similarly, a man being
abused by another man might be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it
reflects on his masculinity or because it exposes his sexual orientation.
If you seek help, you also might find that there are fewer resources for male victims of
domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might not think to ask if
your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about
abuse. You might fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you'll be accused of
wrongdoing yourself. Remember, though, if you're being abused, you aren't to blame —
and help is available.
Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, health care
provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse.
However, you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:

 Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the
abuser isn't around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.
 Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra
clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money
and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
 Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there.
Protect your communication and location
An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and
to track your physical location. If you're concerned for your safety, seek help. To
maintain your privacy:

 Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your
conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone
billing records to see your complete call and texting history.
 Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your
emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a
friend's house to seek help.
 Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to
pinpoint your location.
 Frequently change your email password. Choose passwords that would be
impossible for your abuser to guess.
 Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser's instructions to clear any record of
websites or graphics you've viewed.
Where to seek help
In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement
agency. The following resources also can help:

 Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker, or religious or

spiritual adviser for support.
 National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233). The hotline
provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.
 Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to
other local resources.
 A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for people in
abusive relationships are available in most communities.
 A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally
mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be
available to help guide you through the process.
Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be
able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one
deserves to be abused.