What Is Child Abuse and Neglect?
What Is Child Abuse and Neglect?
What Is Child Abuse and Neglect?
Your trusted guide to mental health & wellness
Regardless of the type of abuse, the result is serious emotional harm. But there is help available. If
you suspect a child is suffering from abuse or neglect, it’s important to speak out. By catching the
problem as early as possible, both the child and the abuser can get the help they need.
To start, it’s important to separate the myths from the facts about child abuse and neglect:
Myths and facts about child abuse and neglect
Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Without
this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to
difficulty maintaining relationships in adulthood. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because
the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.
Core feelings of being “worthless.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are
stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. As they grow up, abused kids
may neglect their education or settle for low-paying jobs because they don’t believe they are worth
more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often struggle
with a feeling of being damaged.
Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the
emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can
struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to
numb out the painful feelings.
Emotional abuse. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, words can hurt and emotional abuse can severely
damage a child’s mental health or social development. Examples of emotional abuse include:
Child neglect—a very common type of child abuse—is a pattern of failing to provide for a child’s
basic needs, which include adequate food, clothing, hygiene, or supervision. Child neglect is not
always easy to spot. Sometimes, a parent might become physically or mentally unable to care for a
child, such as in cases of serious illness or injury, or untreated depression or anxiety. Other times,
alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair judgment and the ability to keep a child safe.
Physical abuse involves physical harm or injury to the child. It may be the result of a deliberate
attempt to hurt the child or excessive physical punishment. Many physically abusive parents insist
that their actions are simply forms of discipline—ways to make children learn to behave. But there is
a big difference between using physical punishment to discipline and physical abuse.
• Unpredictability. The child never knows what is going to set the parent off. There are no
clear boundaries or rules. The child is constantly walking on eggshells, never sure what
behavior will
trigger a physical assault.
• Lashing out in anger. Abusive parents act out of anger and the desire to assert control, not
the motivation to lovingly teach the child. The angrier the parent, the more intense the
abuse.
• Using fear to control behavior. Abusive parents may believe that their children need to
fear them in order to behave, so they use physical abuse to “keep their child in line.”
However,
what children are really learning is how to avoid being hit, not how to behave or grow as
individuals.
Sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse is an especially complicated form of abuse because of its layers
of guilt and shame. It’s important to recognize that sexual abuse doesn’t always involve body
contact. Exposing a child to sexual situations or material is sexually abusive, whether or not
touching is involved.
• Sexually abused children are often tormented by shame and guilt. They may feel that they
are responsible for the abuse or somehow brought it upon themselves. This can lead to
self-
loathing and sexual and relationship problems as they grow older.
• The shame of sexual abuse makes it very difficult for children to come forward. They may
worry that others won’t believe them, will be angry with them, or that it will split their family
apart. Because of these difficulties, false accusations of sexual abuse are not common, so if
a child confides in you, take them seriously.
Domestic violence. Even if the abused parent does their best to protect their children, domestic
violence is still extremely damaging. Getting out is the best way to help your children.
Alcohol and drug abuse. Parents who are drunk or high may be unable to care for their children, make
good parenting decisions, or control often-dangerous impulses. Substance abuse can also lead to
physical abuse.
Untreated mental illness. Parents who are suffering from depression, an anxiety disorder, bipolar
disorder, or another mental illness may have trouble taking care of themselves, much less their
children. A mentally ill or traumatized parent may be distant and withdrawn from their children, or
quick to anger without understanding why. Treatment for the caregiver means better care for the
children.
Lack of parenting skills. Some caregivers never learned the skills necessary for good parenting.
Teen parents, for example, might have unrealistic expectations about how much care babies and
small children need. Or parents who were themselves victims of child abuse may only know how to
raise their children the way they were raised. Parenting classes, therapy, and caregiver support
groups are great resources for learning better parenting skills.
Stress and lack of support. Parenting can be a very time-intensive, stressful job, especially if you’re
raising children without support from family and friends, or you’re dealing with relationship problems
or financial difficulties. Caring for a child with a disability, special needs, or difficult behaviors is
also a challenge. It’s important to get the support you need, so you are emotionally and physically
able to support your child.
You can’t stop your anger. What starts as a swat on the backside may turn into multiple hits getting
harder and harder. You may shake your child more and more and finally throw them down. You find
yourself screaming louder and louder and can’t stop yourself.
You feel emotionally disconnected from your child. You may feel so overwhelmed that you don’t
want anything to do with your child. You just want to be left alone and for your child to be quiet.
Meeting the daily needs of your child seems impossible. While everyone struggles with
balancing dressing, feeding, and getting kids to school or other activities, if you continually can’t
manage to do it, it’s a sign that something might be wrong.
Other people have expressed concern. It may be easy to bristle at other people expressing
concern. However, consider carefully what they have to say. Are the words coming from someone
you normally respect and trust?
Remember, you are the most important person in your child’s world – and you don’t have to go it
alone. Help and support are available:
Learn what is age appropriate and what is not. Having realistic expectations of what children can
handle at certain ages will help you avoid frustration and anger at normal child behavior. For
example, newborns are not going to sleep through the night without a peep, and toddlers are not
going to be able to sit quietly for extended periods of time.
Develop new parenting skills. Start by learning appropriate discipline techniques and how to set
clear boundaries for your children. Parenting classes, books, and seminars offer this information.
You can also turn to other parents for tips and advice.
Take care of yourself. If you are not getting enough rest and support or you’re feeling
overwhelmed, you are much more likely to succumb to anger. Sleep deprivation, common in
parents of young
children, adds to moodiness and irritability—exactly what you are trying to avoid.
Get professional help. Breaking the cycle of abuse can be very difficult if the patterns are strongly
entrenched. If you can’t seem to stop yourself no matter how hard you try, it’s time to get help,
whether in the form of therapy, parenting classes, or other interventions. Your children will thank you
for it.
Learn to control your emotions. If you were abused or neglected as a child, you may have an
especially difficult time getting in touch with your range of emotions. You may have had to deny
or repress them as a child, and now they spill out without your control. HelpGuide’s free
Emotional Intelligence Toolkit can help.
Avoid denial and remain calm. A common reaction to news as unpleasant and shocking as child
abuse is denial. However, if you display denial to a child, or show shock or disgust at what they are
saying, the child may be afraid to continue and will shut down. As hard as it may be, remain as calm
and reassuring as you can.
Don’t interrogate. Let the child explain to you in their own words what happened, but don’t
interrogate the child or ask leading questions. This may confuse and fluster the child and make it
harder for them to continue their story.
Reassure the child that they did nothing wrong. It takes a lot for a child to come forward about
abuse. Reassure them that you take what they said seriously, and that it is not their fault.
Safety comes first. If you feel that your safety or the safety of the child would be threatened if you
tried to intervene, leave it to the professionals. You may be able to provide more support later.
I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s family. Child abuse and neglect is NOT merely a family
matter, and the consequences of staying silent can be devastating for the child.
What if I break up someone’s home? A child abuse report does not mean a child is automatically
removed from the home—unless they’re clearly in danger. Parents may be first offered support,
such as parenting classes or anger management counseling.
They will know it was me who called. Reporting is anonymous. In most places, you do not have to
give your name when you report child abuse.
What I have to say won’t make a difference. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it’s
better to be safe than sorry. Even if you can’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed signs
as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise been overlooked.
Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A., Lawrence Robinson, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. Last updated: June
2019.
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