R100 Rapport Techniques

Rapport Techniques
This tutorial on rapport is a supplementary form for the Express Coaching™

program and provides you useful techniques to master building rapport
between you and your client. Establishing rapport is an art, so keep in mind
these techniques require practice.
Contents
The Verbal Language of Rapport....................................... Pg. 2
Dig Speech and Unbury Rapport Treasures......................... Pg. 3
Pacing Beliefs and Opinions ............................................. Pg. 4
Pacing Breathing............................................................ Pg. 5
Next Step: Leading ........................................................ Pg. 5
How to Test for Rapport .................................................. Pg. 6
When Not to Pace .......................................................... Pg. 7
Outcomes of Pacing and Rapport ...................................... Pg. 8
Summary of Rapport Tutorial ........................................... Pg. 9
Suggestions for Pacing and Establishing Rapport................. Pg.10
© 2007 Express Coaching™ 1

The Verbal Language of Rapport
Pacing verbal communication strongly influences the depth of rapport you
establish with another person
Pacing volume is also a useful tactic. Someone who speaks softly will
appreciate someone else who speaks softly. Likewise someone who speaks
loudly will often have more respect for you and will recognise a kindred spirit
if you match their volume. As a matter of fact, on occasion you might even
want to exceed the others’ volume to get them to speak more softly.
By giving somebody a reflection of themselves and even exaggerating that

reflection somewhat you can often cause them to modify their behaviour.
Some people find that they can control others by going out of control; they
exploit the predictable behaviour of those around them. The plan to go out of
control in such a way that other people will acquiesce and placate Children
may learn to scream and throw temper tantrums in order to control other
people. If you pace that behaviour by also throwing a tantrum (not at the
child, but with the child) a miraculous and amusing calm can set in. The
child’s astonishment can then give way to humour and the act is broken.
The message to remember is –If you want to change someone else’s

behaviour, the best approach is to change your own. The resulting change in
the system will often prompt the other person to change themselves in order
to re-establish the balance and the illusion of control.

Dig Speech and Unbury Rapport Treasures
Words, phrases and images people use give us important information about
the inner worlds they inhabit. By pacing this aspect of their speech, you are
telling them that you understand them and they can trust you. When you’re
talking with other people, it’s a good idea to incorporate as many of their
words, phrases, and their images into your conversation as comfortably as
you can. Don't mimic other people's accent or speak a jargon you don’t have
mastery of. You should be sensitive of their level of vocabulary and imagery
and try to reflect it as closely as you comfortably can. Avoid in your own
speech any jargon that the other person doesn’t understand.
Putting someone in the position of either appearing or feeling unintelligent

will only make them resent you, and blocks rapport. An individual may reject
your idea not because it’s weak but because they may not understand it the
way you’ve presented it. Having requisite variety means being able to avoid
those styles that inadvertently turn other people away.
Having the flexibility to use words, phrases and images familiar to other
people is important. If we listen carefully to the language other people use,
we will know what words, phrases, and images they feel at home with.
In the world of business, it helps to learn a few words of a foreign associate’s

language. It would be seen as a goodwill gesture. Also, body language can
help to bridge the gap. However, be careful of gestures as they could bear
different meaning in other cultures.
Speak more like others and you’ll see that they’ll respond more positively
towards you. They’ll appreciate you more; you’ll dramatically increase your
effectiveness in getting their co-operation and support.

Pacing Beliefs and Opinions
Keep in mind that the goal of pacing is to be able to lead the other person in
the direction you want him to go.
Here comes a fine technique from the repertory of the art of persuasion:
Validate something other people know to be true, and then lead them to
consider and finally to accept other possibilities.
However well intentioned and correct our efforts to enlighten others might
be, they are doomed to be jeopardised from start if we begin by informing
the erratic that they are in error. The most likely result of such a course is
defensiveness. To an extent our reality is made up of our beliefs, therefore,
to tamper with people’s beliefs is to tamper with their reality. Tread lightly.
Pace the belief and then lead with your suggestion.
You should not compromise your integrity or pretend to believe in something

you do not. Find some way of validating another part of their belief or some
experience of theirs.
As Thomas Jefferson once said, “In matters of principle, stand firm like a
rock; in matters of opinion flow like a river.”
Find a point of agreement on which to build your case, then if necessary

move into areas of disagreement or misunderstanding.
Remember; it’s much easier and much more effective to move from
agreement to agreement than from disagreement to agreement.

Pacing Breathing
Nothing is more vital to us than the voluntary and involuntary inhaling and
exhaling of air. But we seldom think about it.
The synchronisation of breathing is one of the oldest rapport building

techniques on record. In some variations of tantra yoga, where the objective
is to achieve a spiritual merging, two individuals hold each other gently and
breathe together until the apparent barriers separating them drop away and
the experience is one of unity, the inspiration and expiration of a single
organism, not two separate entities.
Next Step: Leading

When you have achieved rapport with someone, the next step you take they
are apt/likely to follow.
When you’re with someone you are either pacing (doing something similar )
or leading (doing something different). There are no other possibilities.
If your primary objective is to simply get along with another person then
pacing some of their behaviour is sufficient. But if your objective is to
persuade, to bring them to a new awareness, then you must lead. Using this
model, the strategy is to pace first then lead. Meet the person where they
already are and then suggest some new options. This approach works more
frequently and more effectively than any other. Sometimes it’s not
appropriate to lead quickly; sometimes it’s wiser to back off and not to lead
at all. Different situations will dictate different approaches
As a rule, the “pace then lead” strategy is a very effective way to persuade.

How to Test For Rapport
Before trying to lead someone it’s a good idea to find out if you’ve effectively
established rapport. This can be done unobtrusively at the non verbal level by
synchronising with some aspect of their body language, such as posture. Mirror the
other person for a short time (a few minutes are sufficient). Then change your
posture and wait to see if they respond. Their response could be a move to mirror
your new posture, or it might be a shifting, a settling in on their part to restore
balance to the system. What you are looking for here is a congruent, or
complementary, response by the other person.

When Not To Pace
Whenever you’re doing something that isn’t working, stop and do something
else. That’s why it’s useful to have enough variety in your responses for your
purposes. It’s a good idea not to pace something the other person is not
comfortable with, such as stuttering, limping, or asthmatic breathing. Don’t
pace accents. Avoid tics and nervous mannerisms that might call attention to
what you’re doing. In a matter of beliefs don’t agree with something that
violates your cherished principles. There’s usually enough in another persons
belief system to align yourself with for the purpose of establishing common
ground.
Should you pace resistant behaviour?
Some experts say that you shouldn’t; whilst others say you should pace and
then lead the behaviour to become more open.
Also, remember that gestures and postures do not have a universal meaning.

Outcomes of Pacing and Rapport
Pacing creates a harmonious climate for your ideas and suggestions because
what you are doing is: accepting the other person. You’re saying (whether
literally or figuratively) that you both speak the same language, you’re on
the same wave length and you are sharing a common experience. Your
acceptance leads to their acceptance of you. Pacing reduces resistance
because -- no matter what they do -- you can synchronise, go with the flow
and then redirect it. When pacing you’re telling the other person that you’re
alike and this creates rapport and with it an atmosphere of trust and
credibility.
When pacing someone you also do significant things to and for yourself.
Pacing effectively will take the attention off yourself. You don’t have to worry
about what to do with your hands or feet, how to sit, how fast to move, at
what rate to speak, what level of vocabulary to use and so on. You take the
cues from the other person and get in synch with him. When you act like
another person, you begin to feel many of that person’s feelings. One
advantage of this is that you begin to know intuitively what to suggest and
when to make the suggestion.
Pacing is one of the secrets of the power of suggestion in the NLP process.

Summary of Rapport Tutorial
Rapport is a relation marked by harmony, conformity, accord, or affinity. In
persuasion, it is important that you are able to establish a strong bond of
rapport with the person you want to influence. Pacing may be thought of as
holding a mirror up to people so what they see, hear, or feel is consistent
with their experience of themselves and their reality.
Pacing involves getting into alignment or agreement with the other person
and communicating the message “I’m like you, you can trust me, I’m on your
side. Pacing, when used effectively enables you to achieve a profound level
of empathy with other human beings.
Pacing not only has a powerful effect on others, it has a dramatic effect on
you. A major objective of pacing is to so closely match the other person’s
ongoing experience so that the distinction between what they’re doing and
what you’re doing becomes blurred (at the unconscious level). This enables
you to successfully lead them into new areas of experience. When you’re in
rapport with another person, the next step you take they are likely to follow
it.

Suggestions for Practicing Establishing Rapport
1) Many people find that speech rate is the easiest thing to pace initially. Listen to
the rate of people’s speech and reproduce it in your conversations with them. After a
short while, you’ll find that you can do this without even thinking about it. You find
that you are already doing it with people. The aim is to do it without conscious effort,
so that it becomes an automatic part of your behaviour, like riding a bike or driving a
car.
2) Speaking rates vary considerably. Some people speak slowly, pausing to find the
words or phrases. Others speak rapidly and seem to have no trouble at all finding
words, the only difficulty they seem to have is in getting the words out quickly
enough. If your style is to speak more slowly, you might have difficulty pacing a
rapid speaker, but with practice it can be done. You’ll find that your thought
processes alter as you change your speech rate. This is one of the most effective
ways you’ll ever find to approach another person’s mind. After you’ve become adept
at pacing, you’ll begin to notice that you’ve become much more adept at anticipating
what the other person is about to say. What happens when this occurs is that you
have so attuned yourself to the other person’s way of speaking, thinking, and
behaving that you are able to engage in a form of mind reading. The two of you will
become one, so to speak.
3) As with any new skill, pacing is something that comes easily after you practice it
systematically. It’s a good idea to practice one thing at a time -- mood, body
language, rate of speech, and so on. After you become proficient at pacing, you will
be able do it without thinking about it. It will come naturally and easily.
4) Every day, practice pacing some aspect of another person’s ongoing experience.
Take one thing at a time until it becomes natural and comfortable for you.
5) As you watch television, practice sitting in the same position as someone you’re
watching. Notice how your feelings and experience off yourself change as you
assume different postures. Talk shows are good for this exercise, because you often
have an opportunity to pace several different individuals.

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Rapport Techniques

This tutorial on rapport is a supplementary form for the Express Coaching™

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 1

By giving somebody a reflection of themselves and even exaggerating that

The message to remember is –If you want to change someone else’s

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 2

Putting someone in the position of either appearing or feeling unintelligent

In the world of business, it helps to learn a few words of a foreign associate’s

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 3

You should not compromise your integrity or pretend to believe in something

Find a point of agreement on which to build your case, then if necessary

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 4

The synchronisation of breathing is one of the oldest rapport building

Next Step: Leading

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 5

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 6

Should you pace resistant behaviour?

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 7

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 8

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 9

© 2007 Express Coaching™ 10

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