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godinamachine
i also try to help other aspiring musicians and artists and film makers etc ....
AND in my odd obsession with film ..i consider myself a review-er ? ...critic ? ... a guy who watches WAY to many films then talks about them ..yea thats the one .... so i leave reviews on here, on all the free channels on youtube lol... and even do video reviews on my own youtube channel than no one cares about ..... feel free to NOT go care too - https://www.youtube.com/godinamachine
im all over the place and not hard to find really ... welp .. thats about it really ... now back to being a jerk about movies ..weeeeee
Ratings
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Reviews
Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990)
that monster is a giant wiener ..what ? it is !!!!
HEY EVERBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review ..... the deadly spawn 2: metamorphosis....the movie !!!!
Thats right .... deadly spawn 2 ??? What you never saw the deadly spawn #1 ???? Well then your missing out GO WATCH IT !!!
So this being the sequel has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FIRST FILM ..... but one of the guys that wrote on the first one thought HEY the first movie ...sort of did something .... so lets make another movie .... but this time have it be completely different ....and have the only thing to be the same is something from space ? Sure why not ... BUT they kind of just decided meh this is what it is and its not the deadly spawn so "Metamorphosis The Alien Factor"...
so how was THIS film ? .... awesome ... yet again another prime example of a creature feature (probably my favorite genre of films) .... just ending the era of 80s monster flicks and starting the 90s off right ....though it seems the 90s lost its flair for creature feature / monster films sadly ....but this was a solid way to go out 80s ...good job ....
the monster in this one .... perfect, thank vincent guastini for that one ...hes done a TON of FX over the years on about every films youve seen ...a mix up between stop motion animation (also something we see vanish in the 90s) and live action animatronics/puppetry .... the giant ...p3n1s monster.... OH COME ON THATS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS !!!! ...terrorizes a research facility thanks to a "oops" that tended to happen pretty much constantly throughout the 80s at radioactive stations ...or toxic waste dump etc .... just standard stuff back then... this time alien DNA being played around with by humans of course ..... making little mutant hybrids .... and uh oh ...someone gets bit ... and uh oh ....someone mutates into a giant erect ....monster ...shaped like a .... standing up hotdog wearing a turtleneck sweater .... IT DOES !!!! ...
so acting in this one ... as usual decent enough for a b movie .... fun silly cheesy plot with people making dumb decisions that are obviously bad ....the pacing is great ... the lighting is good ... the SFX are solid .... pretty much everything you want from an 80/90s monster movie ..
9/10 .....
Cellar Dweller (1987)
do you love ...moldy basements ? ...
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) ....and today we review .... celery dweller .... THE MOVIE ! ...
SO despite you thinking this will be about produce ....its not ... its yet another 80s film with good ol jeffery combs in it with his trust necronomicon in hand stirring up some evil of course .... this is a classic "creature feature" flick ....its cheesy , its fun its got boobs and a giant monster ..so the 80s in a nut shell ... written by (get this) don mancini WHAT? Yea ... looks like before chucky came along .... this could have been his big franchise .... thankfully not though because this giant ...monkey ...bear ... cat ? ... isnt as funny to watch
directed by john carl buechler .... the guy behind SFX in SO many horror/monster films including this one ...AND ghoulies ...YEA so you might notice when i say ....monkey..bear cat monster looking .... this creature REALLY looks a ton like the ghoulies did .... and thats not a bad thing .... this guy reminds me of if you took the cat and the green ghoulie mashed them together and made them huge .... and its kind of awesome .... to me this is like an unofficial ghoulie film (better than #4 lets be honest, anythings better than 4) ...
SO how is THIS film though ? ... nostalgia aside .... its be acted pretty well .. what you would expect from something like a tales from the crypt episode the lighting and over al look/feel of the set ALSO will probably make you expect the crypt keeper to pop out and say some stupid dad joke ...maybe as bad as celery dweller ...yea ....BUT from the 80s , its solid, at the time its was great, ..... it puts you back to a fun-er time of movies , practical FX and cheesy acting so yea its great .... the monster is pretty good over all .... not much from the waste down mostly just a giant hand puppet lol.... the story is ALSO like a tales from the crypt ....you know im REALLY starting to think ... tales from the crypt people just loved this movie is what it was lol....
DO YOU LOVE monster films ? ... then watch this one ....
do you love 80s monster flicks ....here you go ...
do you love cheesy creature features that are just a solid fun movie???
8/10 ....
Sisu (2022)
action movie for action movies
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) ....and today we review "doomguy the early years" THE MOVIE !
Now like alot of people ive been waiting to see this one for a few, why i havnt seen it until now ? I cant honestly remember... has it not been on some streaming place that i probably dont care about to rent from ..maybe .... man i miss the awesome good ol days of rental stores , going in sorting through the tons of movies...finding a few to rent and going home .....streaming really has taken the experience out of it all ....
WELP why is th movie called SISU ?!?!!?? Thats not his name or what they called him ... i dont even recall hearing it said once the whole time ... weird ...maybe i just missed it BUT HOLY CRAP THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME ... they did a great job keeping it simple , very linier but not boring .... literally traveling down the road , heading to the destination .... not complicated with 17 different locations and a cityscape to cover , no long drawn out story plots and dramatic side quests to get lost in ...just really gritty simple ..straight to it type action and ...just ..nice ... these types of films are rare ....
the acting was REALLY good, everyone in this was spot on good for their characters , the dialogue was well written , it doesnt have a lot but what it has is solid and well placed/used , the use of lighting was REALLY nice, so the colour correcting was great, ...pretty much everything on the technical side was perfectly done
now ...was it "realistic" as many have complained about .... yes and no ... could a man survive to the degree this man did ... yea actually, chances are slim but it is possible BUT are films meant to be REAL no they are meant to entertain .... this is an action film, and heros like john wick .... batman ... and all those always get missed from bullets etc ... or the film would be 4 minutes long lol....
SO if you like films like mad max fury road, the john wick franchise, and movies that have a solid good guy vs bad guy story ....
THIS IS YOUR FILM ....
10/10 easy .... one of the few thats deserve it.
There's Nothing Out There (1991)
yea .......its a thing
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review "ghoulies 7 - ghoul patrol!"
so ... "there's nothing out there" odd little film from the 90s ....literally the VERY beginning of the 90s SO basically the 80s when monster flix were the rage, so here we have another E. T. clone .... an alien comes to earth , becomes best friends with a group of teens , they all eat candy and BAM everything is happy fun time .... OR maybe i got that mixed up ...... hmmm
SO alien .... check ...TEENS ....i mean ... check ? .... become friends ?? ....my question is why do all aliens in movies always come here to hook up with earth chicks ? ...i mean , maybe they are just tired of their own women and are into "exotic" chicks ? Lol... i mean HOW do they even know whats the female of our species ? ...look at this little freaky things ..... it looks like a roadkill frog and your going to tell me it understands whos got what ? ....it doesnt even know the difference between people and a flashlight !!!!!!!!!
Over all this film is what you would expect from some late 80/90s cheesy monster movie ... crappy monster.... bad acting ....rough FX ....they actually go "meta" WAY back then before it was a thing ....this film was a trend setter ! .... i mean honestly what more could you want from this film ! Is it terminator ? Is it starwars ? Is it my holiday slide show to nanas ....of course not BUT its still awesomely bad enough to enjoy for that reason alone .... its a bad great monster flix ..... if you liked movies like "ghoulies" - "monster in the closet" - "terrorvision" then you might give it a go ....
5/10 - because its average at best, it doesnt take its self seriously and knows its there to have fun, its nothing new but nothing really that bad either so it deserves at least a 5 ....
Ghosters Phantom Patrol (2023)
i love to hate it, and hate that i love it
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) ...and today we review ....ghostbeaters .......the movie!!!
What i just watched was ........the definition of "hey lets wing it " in film form ......... it feels like your watching a haunted house on halloween as a movie ..... its just ....wow bad ......so SO terribly bad .........its the commination of ripping off ghostbusters 1 &2 .........but adding in VERY unnecessary family drama ???? IF they would have taken out the entire family bits ..... it would have been 1000% better ......the weird little .."Italian "guy and his car biz ......... not needed ....especially at the end being the rip off of the end of ghostbusters one with the staypuff marshmellow man ....but the mom the entire time just basically being annoying driving complaining ? ....why ? ... her and the kids driving around complaining .........if i wanted that i would go on a road trip with my OWN family i dont need that from a movie where im supposed to be watching cool ghosts scare a couple of hapless security guards
speaking of those 2 ......they were fine .....the ghosts however .... i mean ... i do give them kudos for using the screen projector ghosts from my yard last year .... and he green screen FX ....good lawd ..... why ? ... SO many questions ....why did they add the fake rain constantly but NOT have the actors be wet ever ?....
this film was so awful YET i kept watching it until the end , i have turned off much higher quality films for less ....so some underlining charm lives in this film to have kept my attention long enough it seems ....maybe its because i TOO am guilty of making terrible films in the exact same way as this team has done here ....lol... YUP .... using green screen and still frame images just moving across the screen ...or maybe even some looped rain and some bad stock footage trees .... maybe its all that reminding me of my own fun times of making awesomeness...dang i hate to love it ....but i love to hate it
i cant give it a good score because its not good .... but i do admire the film maker for making it .... great job ....you got a new fan for sure
2/10.
Meet the Hollowheads (1989)
conflicted on the score
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4).... and today we review ...."garbage has a name, its joey"
"meet the hollowheads " is a classic film about the 80's in the future ....mimicking sci fi films of the past ???
So here we get way too much of juliette lewis being the 80's ....in to many montages in between scenes of a young man being influenced by an obviously terrible "friend" who literally uses full ticks from the human headed mutant dog beast to splatter the walls and toys with blood ? ..... yea ..."boys will be boys " i guess .... all this while the family is just trying to get ready for the dads new bosses arrival for dinner ....
speaking of the boss ....the film apparently REALLY drives home the villain arch with him ...he beats up a kid ...then pervs on a 14 year old girl .... but THEN grandpa pervs on the 14 year old girl during some freaky food fetish thing going on .... while the boss pervs on the guys wife , while the guy explains how tubes erupt with fluids from pressure from friction .... and dont forget the literal p3nis monster that the wife cooks and eats ....so just tons of pervy pervs perving ....whos the villain again ? ....
imagine if the jetsons ....did a lot of drugs ..i mean ALOT ...like ..all of the drugs ...then became obsessed with toilet plumbing as the entire planet is literally plumbing and plumbing accessories.... you dont really know what to love or hate about this movie ... its one of those film you wacthed on late night channels like tnt monster vision or up all night with rhonda sheer etc and then never knew what it was called but see it again 20 years later and yell at the TV like you won a million dollars "THATS IT !!!!THATS THE MOVIE IVE TOLD EVERYONE ABOUT MY WHOLE LIFE !!!!" ... but everyone thought you were on the drugs because trying to explain it is like telling people about a bad trip .... from the TERRIBLE music trying to be futuristic .... with a chicken bagpipe tuba key board ..... yea ...to the mom from goonies this film is just one giant "what" after another ..... its VERY nostalgic in the style of national lampoon films / peewees big adventure etc only ...it lacks the superstar presents of main character those types of films tended to have ....
do you love it ?
Do you hate it ?
Do you even honestly know .... technical things, the camera work is shoddy , the music is bad ...the acting is on purpose over done ....and FX are great (but the writer /director , this being his only film HAS only done SFX his entire life) the plot is ????? And by the end of the film youll ask ...why did i watch this ....everything about the film almost is bad ....but yet there is a stupid charm to it .....
score ? .... jeez, personally i would say 2/10 ..... for the technical reasons alone ... but the horrid music (i love some 80's) -1 ....and no substance in story ....-1 ....lol... 0/10 BUT .....its one of those dumb films so weird .....so out there you have to check it out and youll end up getting a copy ....so even if its a misfire ....it seems to hit the mark .... im very confused lol.
Alien degli abissi (1989)
no hate ....good old 80s fun
HEY EVERYBODY, ITS ME (4) ....and today we review .....cloverfield 1989 ....
of course im kidding BUT you have to admit we all though "cloverfield" when they said something fell from the sky lol....
WELL here we have yet another feel good film telling how terrible we humans are for contaminating the world around us .... you know the ol "toxic waste makes monsters" schtick ... BUT here we have an alien come to earth to ...eat? The chemical waste being thrown into a volcano .... YEA because that was a good idea to begin with ....hold up
seriously .... at what point were they sitting around trying to figure out "where should we dump this radioactive waste" and jimmy said "i know what could never possibly go wrong instantly .... an ACTIVE VOLCANO!!!" you know that thing that explodes with melted rocks on fire and utterly destroys everything around it .........yea one of thise ..lets RADIATE one of those ....and irritate its bowls untill it needs to crap itself like late night run to taco bell ...SLPODE !!!!!!!!! But naaaa i mean ... tossing waste barrels in there should be FFIINNNEEEEEE ,,,
fast forward a few weeks i guess and hey now apparently an alien notices from you know ....across space somehow (has a better nose sniffing out radiation to eat than my kids do finding my snack cakes) and it fumbles its was to the source of nom noms ....where it pretty much becomes a 3 story tall crab..... man bot ..... angry ...clam head ..... hose monster ? .... yes .... its unclear if this thing grows , or is just laying down and somehow stilll moves around ...but most of the time its just a claw going after people until the big reveal ... also if it touches you, you get the "ick" ... kind of like when your creepy uncle puts his hand on your shoulder for WAY too long .... yea like that ...only in this film its greenish gunky slime that is alive and we never really see what it can fully do ...i would assume it would turn a person into another form of the creature .....thus replicating it ....and if thats the case then ....lol.... yea these people all screwed up WAY up ...
the monster does leave a bit to be desired i admit .... the big reveal is more like when you think you need to pass a little gas ....so you carefully , slowly ....and quietly s#!t your pants ..... you realize instant regreat and think "yea i wish i just would have left it alone " if they would have just left it being something you never REALLY see in the smoke and dark it would have been 73.6 % better
with some of the acting you could make this black and white and it would fit in perfectly with the more classic 1940/50s era sci fi films ..old war of the worlds/the day the earth stood still etc especially with that ending ...it was VERY old school lol.. "maybe it was just a warning " ... yea ....
but all and all its a great little anti corporation meets monster flick like many from this era, its a fun one ....well worth the watch if youve never seen it and probably worth the rewatch if its been a few years ....
despite the over acting from snake man in a few places lol.... and the monsters lackluster reveal, it does retain some interesting location shots and action moments that will for sure never remind you of predator ...but you know ...there in a jungle so .....theres that ... the sets are solid ...and the miniatures are well done
this film deserves a solid 7/10.
Christmas with Cookie (2016)
unexpected in different ways, the director is one...
HEY EVERYONE ITS ME (4) !!! And today we review ...
well ...
something lol....
and let me start off by saying THIS, if you like campy cheesy on purpose films that know they are bad and embrace it ...then YUP this ones for you
SO this movie revolves around a evil elf on the moon reading you a story from a book .... he loves cookies and happens to be named cookie ....played by the director WHO i have to add plays alot of monsters regularly including mocapping king ghidorah in the american godzilla king of the monsters ....personally (and not sucking up here) ghidorah has always been my favorite godzilla character .... so to know such a top tier hollywood player making his own cheesy indie films is REALLY cool ...
it helps indie film makers like me have a bit of hope lol....
this films evil elf book reading scenes are really well lit, and shot ..... the rest of the film ....eh ... kind of rough lol.. terrible "cgi" and green screening .... REALLY bad acting but again this film KNOWS what its doing and just letting loose .... i mean the skeletons are ... not even trying to act .... lol...
i REALLY hope to see alot more of these films i do like the second film better however in how they had "cookie" doing voice over during the film and a little less cut scenes to him ...it helped the film move along a bit .... but this one is a great introduction to him and the franchise ...
an easy 7/10 .......
God Raiga vs King Ohga (2021)
im 10 at heart though
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review ......go-jeeeraaaaaaaaa ....the movie
are you 10 years old? ...then youll love this .....
are you an overly obsessed filmaholic for giant monster films from japan ? ..... then youll love this ....
are you a super freak for high quality films ? ......well then ...you might want to pass ...hard on this one .......
i personally own this on and the first film as well ..... because im the first question at heart and the second question 100% lol.... HOWEVER this film is rough and i mean sand paper on tender spot kind of rough ....first the pacing is breakneck speeds in a bad way .... adhd has problems keeping up here ... its just bam bam bam different things going on so fast you dont have time to process anything ... story line ?....maybe ... connections to characters ? ..probably ? ... new characters/vehicles every 3 minutes absolutely .....
honestly no one could tell you anything going on in this film other than explosions ..a guy with an eye patch yelling and some monsters hidden under tons of over lays
the FX were terrible .... i mean i make pretend film trailers etc and i make mine bad on purpose and they look 10 times better ....and im not even bragging here lol.... the monster suits look good FOR WHAT LITTLE YOU CAN SEE through the huge amounts of layers of overlayed explosions and fire and sparks and electricity .... next time let the stars shine please ... and the toys used for the vehicles to attack the monsters ... just let us see them ..we know they are toys ....its fine we accept that kind of things in these films ..... but putting that much overlayed visuals on top makes it impossible to see whats going on and the whole thing becomes a muddy mess .....
now IF i was a 10 year old and needed something to watch on the car ride to grammys house ....YUP throw this on and ill be entertained ...BUT over all this film and the others like it from this director are obvious cash grabs during the amercian godzilla film releases ....and i cant blame him ... if the asylum guys can do it why not have more giant monster movies ...im all for it 100% .... i love these films .... the good ..the bad ...and the ugly .....
scoring soley on the type of film it is however
2/10.
Mutant Hunt (1987)
is it 80's ? ...yes ...yes it is .....
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME , (4) ... and today we review ... terminator part 17 the prequel ...
one of the classic "cyborg" films of the 80s ....following the success of the terminator in 1984 EVERYONE wanted in on that big meaty metal pie ...so everyone tried to get a piece or at least get a bite while it was hot .....so we get films like this ...SO SO many others too of course but ...this ...
now i , as so many ofyou out there loved these films growing up ,..... action ... robot people ..... and more action ... maybe some boobs ...awesome !!!! Now re-watching it .... i realized ......yea its still awesome in the 80s kind of way ....
so the review part ....WELL .... the choreography was obviously done by a drunk toddler in slo motion ... the writing ....probably as well .... the acting ...well obviously the yare adults so .... well maybe they all attended "jimmy the drunk toddlers acting for adults " classes ....because ...well ..i mean just watch it ....
and the editing ...WHAT ?!?!?!? ... so ... the main group splits up .... the darla chick or whatever her name is last seen fine ....then like 20 minutes later shes in the shower and a dead robot guy is melting out side her door ? Huh ? ...whered he come from ? Last the two guys said there was ony 2 cyborgs left and they just k!lled one and the other guy is fighting the other one ...so whos this one and why is he melted out side her bathroom door ? ..was there an entire fight scene cut here ???? ORRRRR did jimmy the alcoholic toddler also edit the film ... now i know they DO explain it like 5 seconds later BUT at that time its a wreck and also IF they can reassemble themselves then ....i mean ... all of the ones before are able to just keep coming back ? ...consistency here people ....
and lets be honest here these are the WORST k!llbots ever created .... supposed to be unstoppable etc .. LOL ... a couple of randos beat all of them up easy ........ so i mean really what armies will want those bots or drugs for their own bots to try and make an army ? ....
BUT as for FX ...NICE they went hard with the gore bot look ....also bad job for the blue magic marker on the one dudes back lol.......
all and all ..... for the 80s .......perfect ........or well ... close enough
80's/10.
Nightmare Sisters (1988)
80s cheese ....now with more with NAKED !!!
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review ..... any reason to get these chicks naked ....THE MOVIE !!!!!!
So ...scream queens of the past ..... naked ..... of course ... and I'm going to assume this writer ...director ..producer ....whoever hired on these ladies VERY specifically said to themselves "you know what ........ NAKED!!!!" lol.... because this little gem of a film was nothing like I expected reading into it .... "she devils " I mean .... chicks with shark teeth for like 2 minutes , sure okay .... but she devils ? ...meh that's pushing it .... and the first 10 minutes .........seriously ????? I wanted to fork myself in the eyes and ears trying to get through that , if not for the promise of she devils I in fact wouldn't have sit through it ....I GOT RIPPED OFF !!! But I guess I can still see (naked) and hear so ... it's not all bad ???
SO the film itself - 1988 , it looks the era for sure, banking off the successes of the ladies involved BEING the horror scream queens this film for sure kept the eyes all on them .... the story WELL didn't matter lol... obviously, it was there sure but it was just an average "uhoh possessed " type thing .... nothing new or exciting ... the acting was of course 80's cheese all the way ...the FX were ......fake teeth .....and a bad monster head LOL so ..80s ..... and everything else on the technical side was all par for the course so no real complaints .... sadly I cant praise it for the time either though ... its forgettable in the fact that its nothing special and the only real reason anyone watches it is the 3 lead ladies and .....naked ........and theres nothing wrong with that , its just if your looking for a 80s horror film with depth or substance NOPE ....if your looking for a cheesy late night 80s flick you would have seen on "usa up all night" YUP ! Lol...
5/10 for 80s cheese , middle of the road playing it safe ...
ZillaFoot (2019)
theres a fine line here ....
HEY EVERYBDY ITS ME (4) ! And today we review .... gamerzillamankong the movie !
SO this review will be different .....its special for one reason only ... the name "polonia"
this name is synonymous with terrible films ... BUT at the same time has inspired generations of film makers to chase their dreams (including myself) ...starting out a a duo the polonia brothers created the "no budget" films (maybe even the actual genre of no budget films lol) that when you saw them you thought ..wow this is the worst ... BUT there was always something genuine and pure .... something real ... about them .. honest and enduring ... that was called love ... and passion for the films they made the drive to make something and keep making those movies no matter how rough around the edges they might have been .... WAY back in the 90s when they were babies ....not actual babies making movies ...that would be impressive though ....
but what they did WAS impressive still ... taking anything they had and making it work ... from paint ball masks and video game control sticks to be a alien driving a space ship .... to claymation styled stop/go animated monsters .......they MADE it work .......mark lost his brother 2008 ish ? I believe .... and personally i figured to never see another film with that name again .... BUT indeed not mark carried on and has made SO many more films ....
and even now ...when i find a movie that bares that name ....i breath both a sigh of "oh no" and "h#ll yes !" at the same time to watch the movie ... because i know it'll be something bad ....but also great .....its a true paradox, the polonia name .......
NOW this film.... i expected exactly what i got ........ i WANTED better FX ...and acting ...and ......well everything BUT i was in no was disappointed .... and in fact i think IF i had gotten those things i would have been ........
the dubbing was great and is matched then didn't .... then wasn't even there at times ... so they did a great job keeping the basics of the traditional Japanese styled giant monster movies that came over to America feel there .... the story lines were disjointed and the editing was odd at times ....so again ..good job keeping it styled like some of the low end foreign films that came over the seas and were chopped up.....over all here's is the take from this ..... it is bad .... but if you know the names like todd sheets or polonia bros ....then you know this is from some OG's of the film world and put some respect on it ....
indie respect rating 9/10
average film watcher rating 1/10.
Night Feeder (1988)
as the night feeder turns ...
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review .... "as the night feeder turns " .... the movie !!!
Thought this LOOKS like a soap opera that your grandma would watch and you would have to join during one of those day you skipped and she was the only one that could pick you up from school with that fake tummy ache ....its actually not ....
sure i know the sets look like a soap opera .... and yes the acting is kind of like a soap opera .... BUT no one works at a hospital.....crap no wait never mind ... morgues count as surgery .......YUP this is a soap opera that grandmas watch dang it .... night feeder of our lives ....
well for a filmed on a sound stage with the same equipment of a soap opera etc .... it comes across ehhhh kind of low end feeling to me ... the creature FX are great (in general the FX are solid) LOVED those and REALLY should have had WAY more of that going on than the story they were going with just ...stuff going on lol.... i mean "writing " okay ...lol... but should have had the ending like half way through then REALLY went up to level 11 on action and crazy crap in there .... BUT nope ...
kudos to them for making this happen and honestly if i had access to the sound stages and all that i would probably throw something together as well .... so A for effort .....
but over all imma have to give it a d- at best
2/10
oh and 3 minutes and 30 seconds in that lady is LITERALLY THE DEFFINITION OF WHY DRUGS ARE BAD ....
The Deep Ones (2020)
it has its moments
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review ....Dagon 2 : electric boogaloo ....THE MOVIE !!!!!
So ironically, I almost mean that .... this film #1 has Dagon in it (spoiler alert lol) and #2 reminds you a ton of the film "Dagon" from 2001 .... is it from the same original story ? ...I don't know probably ... a couple goes to a place where people are in a fish cult ... YUP sound accurate .... or sounds like they wound up at a PetSmart on a Saturday afternoon .... weird .....
anyways .... this one is pretty good, i must say the technical specs are solid, for it being a lower budget film (100k) it's for sure NOT got the Hollywood "charm" backing it ... BUT it does a decent job of keeping up with some of the Hollywood horror films I've seen lately ... but the visuals were well done /quality was there ....the sound was solid , the acting was ...well .. it had some cheesy moments and some odd moments ... but it wasn't terrible ....so everything came across within the "okay this is acceptable " area lol.....
story line ... eh ... I mean it DID seem more like a rehash of the 2001 "Dagon" film at heart .... like I said it just follows the over all same basics ... so it's kind of hard to say it had a good or bad story line / plot when it follows that one .... BUT it is a standardized plot line by the end of the film, I won't spoil it but let's just say ....you know the ending before it happens... and with most movies that's how it is so again I can't honestly take points away for that really...
the monster / FX ..... the monster was cool ... basic sea creature type design so good job FX crew ....and the rest of the FX throughout were well done ... simple but effective the "open your mouth" scene lol... I mean ... you don't NEED millions of dollars for FX you just NEED to make what you have work ...and they did that here ....
SO over all I have to say the beginning of the film I actually got bored and almost turned it off until the roughly 18 minute mark ....because I just didn't catch me at first ... BUT I'm glad I kept watching because it was pretty cool ..... worth the watch .....
6/10
only because the story isn't original enough to get a higher score ...but the film was entertaining enough to check it out ...
Behemoth (2011)
what you expect ..but not bad
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review .... the old crazy guy was right ... THE MOVIE !
OKAY SO #1 as "torsung81" pointed out this film is in fact called BEHEMOTH ... and came out in like 2010/11 .. on the sci fi channel if im not mistaken even lol.... but i most remember it in the good ol movie rental store staring at me all the time ....REMEMBER those places .... you know ...where you went every week to see what came out and enjoy the nostalgic fun of renting a movie with the kids and just .... ahhh memories we will never have again ...
anyways ...... this is a 3rd generational creature feature film ...... we had the first WAY back .... the black and white ones with giant ants , and lizards ....then we had the 80/90s remaking those, and had a couple of giant anacondas lol ....then in the 2000s we say TONS of giant creatures showing up ..... its was great .... well sometimes ..... the worst part of the 2000s /3rd generation of these creature features that centered on giant monsters usually animal based is they use CGI creatures ....and wow .... its either awesomely cheesy or just terribly bad .... usually no "good" in sight .......however this one is pretty good looking on screen .... in 2010 digial FX were still a bit rough around the edges .....here in 2023 digital FX are STILL rough around the edges ...it's like the made it to about half way and said ...meh ...close enough we don't REALLY need to go any further .... so honestly i can't complain about the creature here ....
WELL......
it looks goofy in the head lol.... it kind of looks like "the giant claw" lol.... if you know you know ....... just the way it opens its mouth , other wise it looks like ... a giant rock star fish on a mountain with a long bird head neck going on and some tentacles ..... for sure do NOT look that up online ...
over all the film is a solid , classic creature feature film, it follows the usual story,and has the usual tropes ....... BUT it does kind of feels a little more ...i don't really know ... maybe like actiony ? Maybe its from all the shaking lol.... i would say it felt more paced , faster moving BUT not really we spend plenty of time following around our mains and all this back story ... so its pretty standard ...hmmmm ill have to figure that one out .........
SO this one is a fun little film , it doesn't offer up anything really new per say , but not much does now .... and even at the time it came out it was pretty on par with the others , there's nothing bad about it really, the acting is okay, the lighting , sound etc is all on the positive side of things .... but at the same time it doesn't offer anything in a way of REALLY making you remember it 2 days later .....
4/10
personally i enjoyed it but again with there being SO many creature features out there that do offer more funny moments or excitement or innovative aspects film wise (like:8 legged freaks-2002) this one is just ...okay .....
Cold Feet (2019)
a nice surprise ....thanks movie
HEY EVERYBDY ITS ME (4) and today we review ....what my wife sticks on me in the middle of the night ...THE MOVIE !
"evening officer - AH BANG ! "lol... indeed a perfect moment ......
SO here we have a great little film filled with solid comedy mixed with horror elements BUT NOT horror in the sense of gore or people getting utterly destroyed by millions of zombies etc ...... a few moments of horror but its "horror " in the sense of its plot surrounding a ghost house ....GHOST HOUSE !!!!!!! .... so don't expect blood and guts flying everywhere ... sure there's a few dead people here or there but again nothing TOO graphic ......
so the film goes along with a bachelor party for a young man who is REALLY getting ....wait for it ... COLD FEET !!!!!!!!! But then come to find out the house is haunted by the owners dead wife and because she's now dead she also has ....wait ..... wait for it .....yup ...COLD FEET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See how this is going !!!!!!!!!!! Anyways ..... so this ghost bounces around bodies for a while creating confusion .... you have some stereotypical characters and silliness ensues but it does a solid job of not getting boring while delivering a deeper meaning of "hey love conquers all " and fight for what you love not what you lust for etc etc ........ yea I guess it has some sort of moral lesson during the gun fire and body snatching ......
so lets break it down, the horror is NOT enough to REALLY make it scary or gory etc as stated SO this is for sure more comedy ... like ... 80% comedy and 10% horror and 10% romance ? It for sure is a good movie though ... it kept my attention enough to have me interested and enjoy it from beginning to end ......the acting was decent and probably WAY better than it actually should have been , they had some inclusive characters and addressed the moments that would have been VERY realistic with a bunch of "buddies" with that ... the gay friend and every time they brought up a gay joke or something they would all say together "sorry ______" ... and that's realistic AND funny because anyone group of dudes with a gay friend in the group relates ... but its nice to see a film that's not pushing that point SO hard that he's SO GAY and you have to care SO much etc etc ..... instead it feels like a real friendship and a real life kind of thing .... thanks movie
so .... easy 8/10 ....
the film has sold technical specs .... so no complaints ...and its a funny/fun film ....surprisingly enough lol...
Halloween Hell (2014)
good to see the demons from "it waits" still getting rolls
HEY EVERYBODYS ITS ME (4) and today we review .... peeping tom ..the internet reality show , THE MOVIE !
Welcome to mr eric roberts latest venture in film as dracula ...if only in out fit and not much else lol.....we follow the story of some young people trapped in a place with some cursed thing and a monster killing them off ..........SO pretty much every story line in every indie horror film ever made lol.........BUT that aside this one is volunteers staying in a place ....for money with a cursed idol .....that's contains a demon ..... and you know it's great to see the demon from "it waits" still getting work years later .... I know how hard it is for demons to catch a break in hollywood as an actor ....sure SEEMS like it would be easy BUT NOPE .... everyone wants asian tv ghosts ..... OR 7 foot tall nuns .... so your standard demon has few options and being honest here the last DOOM movie didn't even have demons in it ...did it ? ... I think they just dressed up some dog turds they found and said "there we go ... doom monsters "
the film does seem to go with some standard horror tropes though ....so don't expect too much "new ground " to be broken here ...... and i have to say ....while the first guy of the group is getting k!lled the acting talent of the others is .......award winning .... from the "what the s#!t man?" to the blank expressions ....just wow .... i mean you watching a guy basically getting tore apart .......but you know ... its casual friday so ..what evs ........ THEN to see if he's ded .......she says "you got a mirror?" LOL .....you just saw his next go spert ....then you checked the pulse and he had none ....so now lets check breathing THEN try cpr ? .... you are REALLY trying here .... sometimes you got to know when to let go lady ....your officially one of those ladies i would NEVER date because if I ever said "yea its over" .... WELP I guess I better think again ....
however THEN some acting kicks in lol.........your on par horror film acting .....and usual cheesy FX so no complaining here .......
everything here is kind of your average horror flick , nothing wrong with that ... just one of the pumped out flicks of the 2000-2010 era where it seemed just anyone was making anything to get it out .....and that's VERY odd considering the director is the same guy who put out some amazing b-films from the 80s but then did absolutely NOTHING until this ???? And to top it off he one stated he hated how films can be just cookie cutter made by the big companies and just any old director etc can throw it out there .... then he ends up making a pretty generic film YEARS later ? LOL ....
but I digress ....over all its just a basic mid 2000's horror flick ...
5/10 because its mid level , nothing crazy but nothing so bad it deserves bad ..... for indie horror its middle of the road ...5.
Syngenor (1990)
of course you remember this
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) ... and today we review ..... syngenor ...bless you ...the movie !!!!!!!!
Now keep in mind this IS in fact the sequel ? .... or at least the second film to use the name and the creature .......
however is not a direct anything other than that to the first film .......the guy said ....wow thats a cool monster but i can do WAY better ....and well .. he did lol.........
i mean the evil doctor from reanimator is all like ...hey now im an evil boss of an evil corporation trust me you remember this guy from being the evil _____ from pretty much every film in the 80s ......and he does pretty well for the roll ........ BUT here hes just crazy and his empire is crumbling and his lackies are lacking brain power enough to just leave when they can and oh yea monsters ...there are those in this film too .... you know indestructible super soldier genetic monsters that cant be stopped ...except by ... a bullet i guess ... or water sprinklers maybe ...so a light rain that day, or a misty monday morning ....and BAM your whole army of unstoppable super soldiers is poof .......wasted .BUT other than stuff like that they are never going to stop .... living in the basement of the building and k!lling people who stumble down there when the boss tells them to !!!!!!!
Other than plot holes so big you can park a car in them this film is a solid classic 80/90's styled monster flick ......good ol guy in a suite running around roaring and hitting stuff untill the good guy and hot chick/love interest side kick win the day with some just as absurd weapon developed by the same company that made the monster problem to begin with ....wow how convenient !!!
So even though there isnt alot new here in story, or over all in how it plays out ...the creature is memorable and anyone whos seen it knows exactly where its from ....no one remembers the first film .... "afraid of the dark" ....or ....scared of the night ? Maybe ? ... honestly i cant remember it lol.... but this one sticks with you .....its bad , but in the cheesy 80/90s way so you dont HATE it its fun, and is always good for a marathon of monster movies with friends ....
7/10 - in part for nostalgia .....
Slime City (1988)
solid flick standing the test of time
HEY EVERBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review .... jello jigglers THE MOVIE !!!!!!!
Here is the classic "slime city" film from the same guy who created such other classics as "killer rack" and "gruesome johnny" fun filled b-films ...BUT slime city was his kind of first born if you will ... 1988 ...the baby of the family ... AND YES this film DOES have a sequel ..... that came out in something like 2010 ... and if you love this film ...you might want to pass on the second one ...
for an 80s film this has pretty much everything the old school gore films had ... murder/blood/guts/decapitations/dismembering/hookers/terrible sexy dancing/demonic slime monster guy possessed by the spirit of a sex cult leader ....you know the basics ....now though the version im seeing here has no nudity, and im pretty sure it doesnt have any ? ..so NEGATIVE POINTS !!!!!!! A 1980s horror film with no nudity ?....a 1080s horror film about a sex cult being resur-ERECTED through special "PUDDING" sauce and booze turning people into horning freaks that kill and theres no nudity ?!???!?!!!?!? How is that even possible ?... terrible sexy dance and NO NUDITY ? ..... did i just blink and miss it ? ... hopefully ...
WELL that aside , this film is kind of up there with films like "basket case" and "frankenhooker" (franks work) with its being kind of silly but for real about it , and the over all look/grit of the filming , but thats what you would get alot from the era and that made alot of those films just LOOK better, look like they were darker in tone and just ... i dont know something about the look of a FILM recorded on FILM stock just could make a movie really pop visually ... digital can sometimes ruin a film absolutely being so clear and clean ESPECIALLY IF the movie is about something gross/grimy ....
here story wise its solid for the time it was something a little different, bringing back the dead through food and drink instead of satanic rituals or accidental electricity .... and a apartment complex of already possessed cultists all in on it i mean ....even now i dont know of any films that took that approach for a cult like film ...
quality is 80s ..... so again grimy and good for the time ....
acting is actually solid , .... for a b film its on par and well done over all .... good cheesy fun
FX are top notch here ... practical FX really well done , some classy technics used in this film, the head in the floor, etc the ways its pulled off is great legit 3 thumbs up ...
SLIME CITY gets a solid 7/10 standing the test of time ....
AND if i was to give it a score in the 80s it would have gotten an 8.5/10 easy.
Slime City Massacre (2010)
being fair and comparing to the original but its updated ? ...
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review "slime city part 2 the reboot imagining of the sequel remake " ...THE MOVIE !!!
Now this is the sequel to the old 80s film "slime city" ... but maybe its just a reboot ? .... or re-imagined ? ... half re-baked ? .... half cocked ? Rehashed ....LOOK here is my point .... this film , although made by the same guy as the first film from the 80s just seems like a bad rip ff of its own first film lol.... same sort of story line only now its in the waste landed future ? ... to add something to the over all story i guess ? ... i mean it tries to add cannibals ?, but you see them for a total of like 30 seconds throughout the entire film .... the "slime people" look terrible in this new version compared to the 80s film slime city .... those FX are fantastic ..... the gore and slime guy FX etc are great, here .... its like a bad nickelodeon tv show where you get "slimed" if you say the magic word of the day ...exepct for the last few minutes they are on screen THEN suddenly its "oh yea they are slimy monster people lets actually do a little bit more" ...i guess it was a build up, unlike the first film where the guy was pretty much muck man from the get go ..... but to be fair im not a slimeologist so i dont really know how all that works
however i suppose as a sequel it does a good job of creating a segway into a new story line kind of .... i mean the same everything going on, so, the pudding plus the booze = slime horny people that need to kill ..... so i guess that the same city that was once lived in by the people from the first movie , gets bombed and then new bums / homeless people trying to get by in the ruins of the end of the world area finds the old pudding /booze .... okay sound like a plan .... kind of retold the story from the first film ...but said the cult leader had a soup kitchen and his daughter kept watch, in the first film her mom took watch over the pudding and booze in an apartment complex until the daughter took over .... why not just keep it as an apartment building ? ... ive never understood why story get changed up so drastically in a tiny detail that no one would care about unless you think about it for one minute ....
the digital look doesnt sit well for this at all.... if it would have had the gritty 80s film look it could have maybe gotten a couple of points from that BUT it just looks cheaper being so clean when its a film about grit, dirty slimy gross stuff ....
acting : in a b film i never hate on because well .... you know
the fx :.... WOW ... bro , im 100% sure you spent more on the digital brain eye in this than the entire brain pop out scene from the 88 film lol..... and it looks bad here , i wish it would have been a real brain eye thing ... would have been cool.... practical ALL THE WAY ....the "slime" FX here ...come on now ..your telling me you coulndt have spent an extra 10 minutes at the very least to slap some toilet paper chunks on their faces or something to give them a little more grossness to the look instead of just ...here let me sneeze in your face ...okay close enough .... because sure the multi coloured slime is neat if your in a black light rave for jello jigglers .... but here ... make them nasty ....give them gross flesh under there like the first film ..... prosthetics are not expensive now to buy OR make (i know i literally make them !!!!) heck next film man hit me up ill gladly do you some awesome work !!! ..yes again i state the edning they DID have more going on ... but i dont know just seemed weird to save it for the end when the first film he was like that all through it .... again why change the base of the first film when its not needed ...yea yea its your film who m i to tell you what to do with it i get it .... jeez i was just sayin it didnt make sense .... gaaa lol
editing: i felt it was like if ....a dog on meth, was distracted kind of thought about editing this , then smashed a bunch of keys and hoped .... i mean it IS edited ... and it DOES make sense over all BUT its just ... kind of boring the ways its done ....very back and forth in an almost timed manner , could have been just BAM back story and go ....
so im not trying to bash the film especially not from the guy who made "killer rack" and "gruesome johnny" both awesome indie films ... both i loved .... but i have to be honest and fair in all i do .... so
3/10.
Beware of the Klowns (2015)
they did okay
HEY EVERYBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review ..... clow park massacre nado attack school 7 the returning ...part 3 !!!!!!!!!! The movie !!!!!!
Just as shark movies seem to be a dime a dozen , clown films seem to be a penny for your thoughts ? ..... i have no idea what im saying anymore .. BUT what i do know is ...clown movies ....there like those little cars where they just keep popping out of .....
well here we have one that tries to have a little more depth to it at least "story" line and all that ....a town banning clowns , okay sure i mean clowns are scary ...especially spider clowns ..jesus thems scary ...giant half clowns half spider people ....anyways ...but banning the clowns makes the clowns mad and then killing people ...but it all goes back to the cycle of revenge because one clown was bad, cop kills bad clown, lets clown kid go, clown kid comes back for revenge ...VERY classic shakespeare tale ...
over all the films is decently made nothing to badly done to complain about MAYE some rough lighting moments sure .... lighting , the bane of all indie film makers lol
AND the only other REAL complaint i might have is .... the laughing .... for the love of all things evil clown related i get it .... "clowns laugh" but holy crap not that much and not that annoyingly badly over done ..... i know you have to push the point but i almost turned this off multiple times because the laughing .....all of them all the time every scene they are in just unnaturally laughing .... IF you have the clowns laughing and it FEELS real, feels natural then yes 100% BUT when it feels forced ....IN EVERY SCENE CONSTANTLY then its too much dial it WAY down because less is more at that point for sure ....
glad it tries to have a deeper story of love and romeo / juliet styled thing going on then some clowns happen in the mix .. over all its a basic clown flick ....so ill shoot it a
6/10
its no insane blood fest of death and teets ...so dont expect circus of the dead VS terrifier meets 100 tears here lol...
Silent But Deadly (2017)
it warned you
HEY EVERBDY ITS ME (4) and today we review ..... farts ....the movie ....
silent but deadly .....
i mean .... sure why not .... NOW lets make something clear here not too many mime films out there ..... the most recent rise to fame of terrifier's art the "clown" in fact he IS a mime and no one seems to understand that is mind blowing to me .... and of course now that i am publicly pointing that out ..some other famous youtuber will come along and say it and well ...of course he figured it out first ....no no ...its FFFIINNNEEEEE i dont want the credit ..... no one care about me or anything ....just like being back at home .....
ANYWAYS .... this film starts out letting you know what it is ...and that is a film that is having fun with itself ... and not to be taken seriously ....and well YEA it doesnt , its a film about a killer mime ....and mime crime ....and crimes against mimes .....and other words that rhyme ..like lime ... and thyme ..... suck it eminem ...so other than the audio having some REALLY bad jump scars in store (not on purpose though) the over all quality of the film is pretty good, the lighting throughout is well don, the acting is ....well you know ..... but thats okay because again they DID warn you .... the FX are from what i could tell terrible but im not sure how much was edited out for youtube and what was there so im a bit lost for that ....the story was basic .......
i mean its a cheesy comedy horror film having a good time and thats the point , its not trying to be some high rollling 20 million dollar film its trying to be something youll throw on and have some laughs about ....and its did that just fine
8/10.
Moonstalker (1989)
could have been the next jason
HEY EVERBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review ...80's horror slasher film #500183
yup its that time of year again, the leaves are changing colour and falling, the air is becoming crisp, and the birds are flying south SO that means time to watch a bagillion different slasher styled films lost to time ..... and here we have "MOONSTALKER" and I have to say the first 20 minutes or so had me hooked , having a slasher with an outfit/mash looking like he was from the cover of a quiet riot record ALSO from the 80's lol.... BUT THEN tragedy strikes !!!!!! The monstrous villain becomes ..... a ...normal ... looking cowboy with sunglasses ? ..... WOW that was a let down, probably a bigger let down than what my wife had on our wedding night .....
now over all its just a stander basic 80s slasher flick ..... for better or worse , nothing new , nothing special, so you know EXACTLY what to expect and what your getting, so if you love those styled films BAM heres another one to add to the list ...if your not into the classic tropes of "kids in the woods getting hacked up " then skip ....
sadly I don't have much to "review" here, everything is middle of the road safe, the acting is meh nothing too bad nothing too good , the lighting , nothing too bad nothing too good , the story ....middle road ....just everything is riding that center line trying to play it SUPER safe and they did , probably why this guy never became the next jason or freddy ...well playing it safe and HE TURNS INTO A COWBOY IN SUNGLASSES !!!!!!!!!!!! Literally an awesome character design in a straight jacked with this REALLY weird almost jackolantern with square eyes and mouth kind of head going on ...and an axe ....into .... urban keith ??? Boot scootin around just hacking up campers ? ...come on now .... so much potential just thrown out the window
so sadly ... imma HAVE to give this one a middle of the road score at 5/10 BUT wait theres more ! Because the ytook a great slasher look and then ....countrified it .... you get 2 points deducted ....so
3/10.
Inbred (2011)
an actual good englandland horror film ? ...yes
HEY EVERBODY ITS ME (4) and today we review ..... inbreeding the movie !!!!
Now I know I know I always say with very few exceptions, the English people simply cannot make a good horror film ,....well this happens to be one of those exceptions, and in fact i actually own this film and REALLY enjoy it .... its a great thrillk!ll films of wrong place wrong time ....a classic trope sure BUT sometimes those plots DO just work for a film , such as this case,
a group of kids and 2 adults find them selves in a lost to the world town and WELL things just go to crap, the locals have their own ways of things and apparently even in englandland they have inbred rednecks lol.... so my family lives there ? ... dang ....
over all quality is decent, the acting is okay and the effects are solid across the board ....the fun atmosphere of the locals keeps things flowing and interesting .....again the story is nothing new but that's okay it has enough other things to keep you entertained , in fact that's the locals whole schtick lol.... entertainment ....
FOR THIS REVIEW / NEXT PART i watched it on youtube.... so this part only applies to youtube viewers
now i do have some complaints BUT not about the film, STOP BLURRING OUT SCENES (well except the naked guy playing the organ lol) !!!!!!!!!!! Look i get it ... blood ...oh no ... youtube says shame on you ..but seriously have you seen some of the things youtube lets happen on there ? And the cussing ? ...come on ..... its frustrating to watch a movie (yes they are free , thank you , I know we shouldn't complain about free stuff ) BUT man its annoying to watch a film you love OR might love and have so many blips and fuzzies and empty moments where your like ...well that was an odd edit .... BUT its for the censory of youtube ....OTHER than that .....i love this film, it was great
9/10.
Killer Campout (2017)
im sorry
HEY EVERBODY IS ME ,(4) ........and today we review ....BEEP! The movie !!!!
Okay let me start off by saying i appreciate indie films .... for their obvious love of the horror genre and how creative they can get when making their own films ....
HOWEVER ... i was NOT sure if this was supposed to be a horror film or a horror/comedy or what at first because i thought MAYBE the BEEP to cover up (only certain) curse words was being used ironically at first .. but no..... it continued the ENTIRE TIME !!!! And became VERY annoying .........- advice when using the curse "bleep" take the sound WAY down in volume because the frequency it's on will always sound louder ........or else you have ear splitting BEEP every so often and people start stabbing out their own ear drums with pencils to avoid it ... and as the beginning of the film progressed the way everyone acted at first it SEEMED like it MIGHT become a comedy to some degree ..like the acting was slightly over the top, and bad ....so i began to think......" okay this is going to be a terrible on purpose kind of thing, i love those" .....no..... no it wasn't ...as according to my wife ....i again.... am wrong .....
NOW on the subject of sound .... dubbing ? ... if your going to so sound in post ...that's fine ....bring in everyone and redub so the natural sounds of wind etc do NOT drown out the actors voices ..good idea .... but IF you do that please make sure they sound natural ..... and in the case of having actors read off of the script literally at their feet ....wow .... please write the scene so they can read it in sections to make it make sense or else you end up with a VERY weird read at a camp fire with a lesbian trying to be all profoundly deep about her life and it just ends up sounding like she's stroking out ....no ...not like that ....perverts ...
honestly the film probably had more protentional that most will give it credit , myself included... for that I'm sorry ... kudos for making a movie and getting it out there , seriously good job .... learn and grow .....
being honest here i got to give it a 2/10 ... i appreciate you guys making the film ....
i just didn't feal like i knew where it was supposed to go ... the acting was ROUGH and the writing was as well .... i guess there is a second one , so i NEED to check it out and see what changes are made and how the film evolves if at all .... but until them..... yea ....