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mshallop
Reviews
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
Great Teen/YA Movie
Was expecting something completely different, more along the lines of Godzilla Minus One, but this movie was the chirpy bubblegum-and-unicorns version aimed at telling young adults (confused teens): why, yes you sure can, if you only dream hard enough! Mildly offended by the obligatory ASL deaf child (who could, at least, and not like "Mom", actually sign). I have to write another 240 characters about how this movie nearly gave me diabetes just from watching it but I am finally running out of necessary words I need to post this review to the site because you can't obviously say anything worthwhile with less. If you don't like the review, then don't put the idiot 800-word requirement in. That or get a project manager with a working brain.
Oppenheimer (2023)
Zero Calorie Movie
Weird, inaccurate, interpretation of the US's drive to develop a war-stopping nuclear bomb. Instead, the directory choose to show how the US government decided Commies were worse than Nazis so they persecuted Oppenheimer (post bombing) for kind of sort of being a commie and not for being a Nazi. (The Manhattan project was all about finding and recruiting only the mostly-good Nazis to come build an atom bomb to kill our other enemy (at the time), the evil Japs, and bring about VJ-Day.
Not a whole lot of science-y stuff here to bore the red-hats - mostly just that good ol' government-based heavy-handed persecution brought to you by the same group of people that also gave the US Japanese internment caps and Indian genocides.
Generally speaking, the movie rambled around like a lost puppy looking for someone to love it, flashing back and forth, between color and black-and-white scenes enough times to trigger anyone's PTSD, and yet still managed to successfully not advance the story line in any meaningful way.
It's not a movie about the science behind the development of a nuclear bomb. It's not a movie about America's sudden relaxation of Immigration policies for Nazi scientists, or even how America rewarded Oppenheimer by subjecting him to political persecution after the fact.
It's a movie about America's too-short memory when it comes to honoring it's commitments and promises.
Since I can't give it zero stars, I award it two, sympathy stars, for the actors and crew that had to work on it.
Sympathy for the Devil (2023)
Caging Expectations
Nowadays, I expect Nic Cage to be Captain Crazy Pants in all the movies so my expectations were already "Bees! Bees!"
And the movie delivered. In the trivia section, which you already probably have read, it states that Mr. Cage's hair coloring was self-inflicted (he just showed up with it!) and, indeed, it speaks volumes (promoting Hollywood's make-up and hair professionals!) as that first closeup was a near Giuliani moment.
Some of the dialog is so bad, oozes so much cheese, that I swear I caught the critically under-directed Mr. Kinnaman eye-rolling, so hard, I swear he was self-concussed halfway through the movie just to lose self-awareness over his own terribad dialog.
That being said: watch the first 20 mins and the last 20 minutes and you'll be good. Everything else is a root canal.
Jury Duty (2023)
Unfunny AF
Watched first two episodes and have no desire to see more. Most unfunny show I've seen. Show is absolutely desperate for laughs; the show struggles but just tries too hard. Over-the-top characterizations that are just cringe to watch the actors trying to pull off. The show makes the statement that if you're not smart enough to get out of jury duty then you're probably one of these losers. Writing is terrible and cliche - you have to have these extreme characters so that they eventually stumble onto something resembling a plot twist. The main character strikes me as "Jack" from "Lost" - the only "normal" running around in a sea of people that are one bad day away from an asylum or prison. Terrible show. Would rather watch politics or a dental documentary for more laughs than what this provides.
Infinity Pool (2023)
Don't. Just, don't.
I liked the idea of this film as seen in the teasers. The execution, however, fell far short of anything even remotely entertaining.
Right after the first plot reveal, things going swimmingly to this point, the movie makes a hard right turn into absurdity, completely obliterating any suspension of disbelief previously established. I don't want to give away any spoilers so I'll just say you'd be better off watching a collection of first-year film student shorts as the content will be quite similar and possibly less nauseous.
Mr. Skarsgard's acting, considering the material he was given to work with, was excellent. Hence the second star. 15-minutes after the end of the movie I've no other recollection of other characters other than the eyebrow-less woman who was a screechy bit of migraine, and the actor who played his wife who had nothing to do other than act the poodle and hope her make-up covered her plastic surgery scars. (Hint: it didn't. 4k, yo)
Jack Ryan: Druz'ya I Vragi (2022)
What happened?
Love JR but this episode was the absolute worst.
Stop trying to be all dark and edgy emo with your filming and SHOW US the story! That's really your only job.
This episode is too dark to see anything (and my TV brightness is max cranked!) and, even with captions enabled, I can't tell what's happening.
Hear car door slam, see two muzzle flashes, body thuds. Someone shot someone in the face but I have no idea who.
Scene from an ops center shows JR scampering around on their security monitor. Much better image then when JR scampering around IS the scene. Can't even make out who's in the op center watching JR. Hope that wasn't important to the plot.
Tons of lost content in this episode b/c of the dismal cinematography.
Worst episode, so far, of all seasons.
Jack Ryan: Our Death's Keeper (2022)
What the f--- happened?
I'm a big fan of the series but hard stop on this episode about 20 minutes in. I couldn't finish as I had no idea what had happened in the previous 5-10 minutes or so. I know the director is trying to be uber-realistic and super emo edgy and all with their filming style but, ffs, why make the filming so dark you can't tell who's shooting who in the face?!? Flash! Flash! Thud. WTF just happened?!? (Quick check to settings to see that, yup, brightness is cranked to max!)
Someone got out of a car, opened the trunk, and pulled out something that was probably important but the shot was so dark, I have no idea what. Crossbow? Body? Shotgun? Shovel?
There's a scene where someone in some ops center (couldn't tell who - too dark) was watching JR on their monitors - after a cut from the scene supposedly showing JR scampering about, they cut back to the ops center scene and you can see JR better on their tiny monitors within the scene, then when JR _is_ the scene.
How are you expected to advance the plot like this? I mean, isn't the whole point to show us what's happening, to tell us the story?
Geh. Do over.
Half Past Dead (2002)
Just don't
Bad movie featuring terribad plot with Seagal's usual incredibly bad acting - it's like watching a tumor develop. As usual, after finishing one of his movies, I feel like either someone owes me money for my time, or I should just do a truck load of drugs in order to erase the experience completely.
Eternals (2021)
Just, don't.
Don't even know where to begin; There's not any explicit spoilers here, just generalizations:
-1 for the terrible plot/story
-1 for failing to integrate into the MCU (no cameos, no Tony Stark popping up suddenly going: wtf, peeps? Who's the big dude? Who you? What's all the gold stuffs? Who's the joovie? Does she like spiders?)
-1 for Ikarus character & actor (just terrible - cringed everytime he appeared on-screen - graduate of the Steve Austin Acting Academy, wot?)
-1 for blubberface McPlasticJolie (should have been paired with Ikarus and then dumped into a nuclear event at the beginning of the movie removing them both completely thus vastly improving the overall experience)
-1 for insanely boring content and preachy memes
-1 for pointless boink scene with Sersei/Ikarus
-1 for yet-another CGI boss/villian
-1 for the weirdest and weakest powers (Druig.)
-1 for Sprite angst, ripped off from a certain New Orleans vampire author
-1 for inequitable power distribution (Ikarus v. Everyone else)
-1 for making me think someone owes me money after watching this drek.
Gemma Chan's character, Sersei, was the most wishy-washy approval-seeking mealy-mouthed super hero I've seen to date. You'd think that several millenia of existence, coupled with some kick-ass super-powers would give the character more of a Wonder-Woman-like savoir-faire, no? No. Her character has all the self-assurance of a beaten-down high-school science teacher.
I love the MCU - whatever this was, it was worse than even Dark Phoenix.
Not even Salma Hayek could save this bomb, that's how bad it is.
See for Me (2021)
exhasted trope
The blind chick in the house being invaded has been done to freaking death already and no movie containing this plot, or any variation of this plot, need never be made again.
Engage your brain and come-up with something that's not (a) a sequel or (b) a copy of previous work.
Mexican Moon (2021)
Like watching a painting
I kept waiting for something to happen. Anything. Instead, there's just scene after scene with actors monotonally destroying their lines. About an hour in my brain, in an act of self-preservation, stopped the film.
The Green Knight (2021)
Couldn't finish
Did not like. Weird camera angles, too dark, music got predictably irritating as most of it seemed to be some variation of Gregorian chanting. Story was disjointed - like a series of discrete, sometimes incoherent, vignettes following a rambling story arc. I checked-out after about 30 minutes and stopped the movie with 40mins left to go, utterly disinterested.
Gave it 4-stars for the casting and characters.
X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)
Huge MCU Fan... but this...
Was just terrible. As if the studio created a movie using a malformed AI so they could have something to cast the starlet of the moment (Sophie Turner) as a headliner in a movie.
Sophie Turner, imo, is on-par with Raquel Welch. Great to look at, but please don't give her any lines to speak b/c she recites them with all the passion of a kitchen skillet.
A few months ago, I binge re-watched all the MCU movies in chronological order - I completely skipped this one because it just doesn't matter and it's not a good enough movie to be able to stand on it's own merits.
Stowaway (2021)
I wanted to like it...
This is one of those movies that starts out by capturing your interest and then weaves and dances it's way around ... nothing. The director goes out of their way to make you not care about the stowaway or any of the other passengers - zero character development. The situation is interesting, dire, and plausible but you just can't keep invested because of the lackluster performances - what do expect from normally excellent actors when they're given such poor dialog? The ending comes as a relief because it signals the end of the boring grind that is The Stowaway.
Greenland (2020)
Bodice-ripper disguised as a disaster movie
I like Gerard Butler and Morena Baccarin - which is why I decided to watch this movie.
Special effects are great - I was nail biting in the first 20 minutes of the film before it was derailed by bad plot developments completely removing suspension of disbelief.
Geh. If this movie was a book, then it should have Ms. Baccarin, her lustrous black hair cascading in waves down the manly and bared chest of Mr. Butler whom she's dramatically clinging to while a lightening-bolt-shooting comet plummets down towards the dark Gothic castle in the background. You know, one of those books sold by the paper bag load at garage sales.
-10 stars for the bodice ripping
+4 stars for the special effects
Capone (2020)
Love Tom Hardy, but...
I hated this movie (+1 star). I couldn't finish it after an hour in b/c I just wearied of following bad plot threads badly attempting to obfuscate Capone's current reality.
When that plot mangling didn't work then throw-in some visceral interruptions to break suspension of disbelief. And to show how far gone the MC's disease has progressed to remind the audience that he's on his last legs and will die soon releasing you from the burden of continuing to watch. Save some time by printing-out a movie still of Mr. Hardy, slack-jawed with blood-stained wide eyes, and you pretty much have the move's essence.
I really, really wanted to like this movie because Tom Hardy is amazeballs (+1 star) as an actor. However, not even he could carry the day.
The Masked Singer (2019)
Just a terrible, over-hyped, waste of time...
There's nothing redeeming or entertaining about this show. Either someone can or can't sing but you can't tell that because of the horrible music choices and the over-loud back-up vocals and instrumentation. Judges blither on with captain-obvious-level commentary while struggling to appear relevant. There's not enough money to force me enough to watch more episode of this promoted-to-death, talent-starved, drivel.
+1 star for the costumes - if you can't entertain with the performances, at least give us the eye candy!
I think this is the show that will finally make you turn off your TV and go read a book!