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When a young enthusiastic Jewish-American began this journey into torture porn territory (thank you Eli Roth you schmuck) which is something none of us should be proud of, it signalled a movement of derivation and copycat movies the likes of which haven't been seen since those that followed in the wake of the heady and exciting days of Jason, Michael, and Leatherface in the late 70's / early 80's.

The number of movies that have regurgitated the 'youngsters in peril' storyline have been overwhelmed, if not in number, certainly in the ferocity of their horror, by those now taking young (and old) characters without discrimination and putting them through any number of horrendously painful, vomit-inducing, and gut-churning scenarios to prolong and enhance the pain of death.

With films like Frontieres and Martyrs, the French have begun a renewed journey into the bizarre and gratuitous, last seen in 70's, though oddly the narratives have way more depth than those coming from America and Britain. The Brit attempts at this subversive sub-genre are more lame than a three-legged pony with a limp. The Hike opens with positive intent. It's just that the deaths are glossed over, and merely suggested at. That isn't torture porn and to be honest it's pretty poor for a slasher/psycho type horror too. For one commentator to liken this even remotely to the set up (group of girls) of The Descent is ambitious to say the least. In order to have that sort of impact there needed to be something thoroughly dynamic in the opening 5 minutes.

Director Bryant(Rupert not David) missed a golden opportunity there, and sadly everything goes downhill very rapidly from that point on. The only thing that brought even the remotest interest for me was the walk through the forest to the waterfall which was very reminiscent of Neil Marshall's caving flick. The Hike at that point 'felt' quality. But it didn't last long. The camp scene and onwards to the mid-point at around 40 minutes was as if Bryant studied The Descent frame by frame and basically built his opening 20 minutes around Neil's set up (but without the money to have a log cabin - hell even one of the character's asks if a cabin's where they are sleeping).

The cast (girls) were very pretty, but eye-candy trades off ho-hum as actors. There wasn't one stand out - albeit Stephanie Siadatan was quite the little hottie in her tight hipsters and bikini top. Nedeljakova, probably the biggest name on show, turns in a very ordinary performance. The rest were unrecognisable names that didn't take the opportunity to shine. Shauna MacDonald was easily the best on show brief as her appearance was. But the most annoying thing for me was Pythian - I didn't believe for one minute she was ex-British Army who had served in Afghanistan. Dialogue and some terminologies were forced, inaccurate in a lot of cases. I loved the way she just stared at the map and compass at the start of the trek - no bearings taken, no waypoints marked - a military map would be marked as a matter of process on exercise - once you've done that once it's like muscle memory. Why do filmmakers make stuff with military elements and NOT get technical advice? Saving a buck or two I expect but costing them in authenticity. By far Pythian's 'best' moments were when she was the vulnerable victim, busted, broken, and running scared.

I know that Pythian is some big deal in martial arts but jeez the girl can't seem to act - very one note, monotone delivery. In fight sequences okay, fair enough; combat skills for martial arts movies I can understand. But in this in particular she just didn't cut regular squaddie, Special Forces, AI, or anything remotely connected to military (or police for that matter either). Every film she's in, she's a tough cookie who punches and kicks her way clear of trouble. Sadly it seems fighting skills are ALL she is employed for. If she wants to develop as an actress she needs to take on more roles that allow her acting talents (assuming she has some beyond looking moody) to do the impressing for her.

The guys too were incredibly one note and the story made so obvious even a blind man with a deaf mute dog could've seen what was coming ! The red herring Russian stank so badly it was more kipper ! It made the narrative unbearable - no tension, no terror. Even the gratuitous violence, nudity, and gore failed to appear. I think Bryant bottled it. That's lazy and dismally poor filmmaking. Either set out your stall and deliver or just don't make out you can do what you clearly can't. Shame really because the setting was beautiful and the cinematography was well composed. The DP comes out of this with some credit at least.

How to sum The Hike up? Dismal and lazy that neither delivered on its torture porn potential nor delivered the alternative killer / slasher in the woods – a firework with a lit fuse that 'phuts and fizzles' - extinguishes before the main event. The Descent and Eden Lake plagiarisms are unforgivable - talk about ripping from much better sources. The Hike was predictable, laboured, poorly conceived, poorly cast, and failed to deliver on expectation. Horror of all genres is the one where a known audience exists and where theatrical, DVD, and VOD success can almost be guaranteed.......as long as a filmmaker remembers what audiences want and delivers upon it........even if that delivery comes from left field. The Hike wasn't even in the stadium, and will undoubtedly be consigned to the 'missed by a quarter mile' bin at Blockbusters.

The overview of British independent cinema continues with UFO, which if the budget is to be believed, kind of falls outside what I would normally consider to be independent in the manner of all things being reviewed. At $2.5m (£1.75m) this is a feature that, financially at least, had all the backing it needed to be at least in the same ballpark of achievement, albeit a different genre, as the UK indie classic "Dog Soldiers".

Sadly money alone is never enough, and from the outset it was clear that too much of that $2.5m found its way into the pockets of cast and above-the-line crew. There just wasn't enough of that substantial budget on the screen in qualitative terms. Sure there were CGI moments that, whilst not in the same league as Avatar, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, or even Buck Rogers, tried hard to be credible.

But what cannot be overcome in an independent film at any budget level is a woeful script that fails to ignite its actors, instead merely squelching onto the screen damp squibs of woeful acting on the part of the characterless and unimaginative cast. From early doors, in fact the first 30 minutes, we were introduced to a one dimensional set of characters without a redeeming or interesting quality amongst them, rambling on about everything and nothing in an attempt to illicit some degree of connection from the audience. All they served to do however is aggravate and annoy to the point one longs for the appearance of the USS Enterprise to commit 'hari kiri' with a photon torpedoe attack as the only way to deal with a human race that's just not worth saving.

There was but one decent performance amongst this sad lot - Maya Grant (Dana) - the most surprising thing being her complete lack of experience and this being, apparently, her feature debut. She held it together, for the entire movie, from being just a total mess. Brosnan was okay I guess, Bree very wooden, Philips just plain unengaging like so many of the films he's been in. He really should give up in front of the screen. Van Damme was wasted but seems to be whoring himself out lately. Glover too is better than this film. But to me the biggest disappointment was Pertwee - not so much in his acting because I really rate him as an actor - but in how little screen time he got. Not his fault, but I wish he would be more discerning about the projects he chooses and do something that fits the level of amazing talent he has.

What basically filled the void of 90 minutes whilst watching this movie was a lot of talking heads, exposition, mesmerized gazing into the distance, and lots of 'we've got to get out of here's'. What little action there was came too infrequently and was so detached from what little plot there was that it seemed episodic and completely out of sync. Neither did the narrative seem to know what it wanted to be - thrilling action-led sci-fi or sci-fi comedy. Tonally it was all over the show and delivered neither convincingly. Clearly whatever the point of the story was it was completely lost in translation or never even made the screenwriters page TO be translated in the first place. More development in the pre-production stage and script editing was obviously needed.

It's not a thing I would ordinarily say but I feel bad for the investors in this instance, because I just can't see how in a month of any given Sundays this movie will get close to repaying the dollar value put into it. I expected so much more than the filmmakers delivered if for no other reason than the Brits have been spoilt in years gone by, by talented filmmakers delivering so much better on the same level of money or less. Part of me thinks that Dominic Burns, the writer/director of Alien Uprising (or is it UFO here - I've heard both titles used) to use a frequently applied analogy was 'writing cheques his body couldn't cash' - or should I say 'his talent' couldn't. He's bitten off a genre that needed imagination and 'outside the box' thinking on the money available, but delivered instead a wishy-washy, hum-drum, ho-hum, holy mother of Christ do I know what I am movie that merely serves to annoy patrons like me who have parted with their oh-so-hard-earned green and been treated to a slap across the filmic chops ! Oh well, onwards I guess - hopefully to a Brit indie flick with more to say and more to enthral with.