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If I were to tell you the dubious sequence of sheer unlikely happenstance that leads to, well, the whole plot of JURASSIC WORLD, you would shake your head in abject wonder. Wonder at the downright ballsiness of the writers who decided to make coincidence their bitch throughout proceedings. Wonder at the director who pondered the laws of random chance and decided statistical anomalies happen all the damn time, not to mention consecutively and to the very same people. And then you would stop shaking your head, and simply begin to wonder: why don't I care?

After which, since I am certain you have seen the first movie, along with possibly one or both of the earlier sequels (the second being the slightly lesser of two evils, but only in the same way that Kourtney is less insufferable than Kim), you would doubtless realize why it is that all the shoddy plot-devicing, lame expositioning and cynical jump-scaring does not matter a jot. Because the first JURASSIC PARK was also full of shameless flukes and incongruous twists of fate, but you, me, we all loved it anyway. Because: DINOSAURS.

And here, woah are there dinosaurs. There are dinosaurs of so many shapes, sizes and varieties that they had to make up a whole new kind of one just to keep things interesting, because people apparently suck and somehow dinosaurs being ALIVE and IN ARMS REACH can get so very dull after a while. See, the folks at InGen, the company founded by the late demented, er, lamented impresario John Hammond have somehow recovered from no less than three deadly dino-rampages across a couple of decades – not to mention the pterodactyls that remained at large in San Diego at the end of III – and have built themselves a theme park the likes of which crazy old' Hammond could only have dreamed. Twenty thousand visitors a day, we are told not infrequently, now visit this exotic CGI wonderland on the ill-fated Isla Nublar in order to be dazzled by formerly extinct life- forms both docile and dangerous -- because, yeah, obviously. There are DINOSAURS there. No one is going to worry about that one time Newman from SEINFELD got killed when you can go hang with a Stegosaurus and be all like, whatever man.

Overseeing all of this marvel and majesty is Claire (the preternaturally beautiful Bryce Dallas Howard), a woman who has time to painstakingly maintain a shiny blowout in South American humidity but not to take personal charge of the nephews she hasn't seen in seven years. These nephews have been sent thither because there is Trouble at Home – of which we are told but honestly DO NOT CARE and why this is even a thing we are told WE DO NOT KNOW – but Claire is far too busy getting Verizon to sponsor an exhibit (hello, one of many product placements!) and engaging in a love-hate romance with heroic raptor trainer Owen (an even-buffer-than-GUARDIANS Chris Pratt) to escort them around the park. Too busy, that is, until a convoluted and bordering on impossible string of nonsense conspires to see the boys – the older of whom is Ryder from MELISSA AND JOEY, and no, you may not mock me for knowing that – lost in the rain-forest with, and you won't even believe this, a killer dinosaur on the loose.

The killer dinosaur on the loose part is actually good news for Ryder from MELISSA AND JOEY, because it is one of the few times he notices he's on an island full of dinosaurs. See, he's a disaffected teenager with Beats by Dre headphones and an eye to the cuties, so Triceratops rides and baby dino petting zoos are kids' stuff, yo. He's all about the hardcore adventuring, like recklessly taking his dinosaur-obsessed little brother deep into a restricted zone in a personal gyroscope that I hope is a real thing, and thence almost getting killed by, and you won't even believe this, a killer dinosaur on the loose.

So it is up to the sparky Claire and Owen to save the boys, and also try, and you won't even believe this, to stop that killer dinosaur on the loose from killing everyone on the damn island. All the usual suspects are present and accounted for: there's a mad scientist, a mad billionaire and a mad weapons dealer (the always excellent Vincent d'Onofrio, in a very strange choice of role). There is also a somewhat mad but lovable system tech (NEW GIRL's Jake Johnson) who is the funniest thing in the film by far, since Pratt plays his action hero lead almost entirely straight—and, somehow, with a straight face. "THAT is no dinosaur!" he pronounces sternly at one point. Riiight.

But it is actually the dinosaurs who do most of the heavy lifting in this movie, and it is for them that you really need to see it. Because you know what the other movies in this franchise were always missing? Giant dinosaur death matches! And, much like TRANSFORMERS – giant robots vs. giant robots! – and PACIFIC RIM – giant robots vs. giant monsters! – it is this spectacle that makes all the wackiness here worthwhile.

There are several reasons to see this movie. Nostalgia is definitely a factor, as is the cast, as are the stunning visual effects up to and including the kick-est-ass dinosaurs you have ever seen on screen. The only real reason not to see it is that it has so many story problems it would make a daytime soap writer working on this month's seventh amnesia plot line grimace incredulously. But really, if you like dinosaurs, and if unconscionable acts of improbable concurrence aren't a deal-breaker for you, then I'm betting you'll find JURASSIC WORLD and its killer dinosaurs on the loose so much fun you won't even believe it.

So: GRAVITY. Acclaimed at Venice and TIFF; praised by critics everywhere; brought to us by visionary director Alfonso Cuarón; and starring two A-Listers who, bizarrely, have never worked together before. Also, while not all that science fiction-y, since most of this is pretty much possible within the bounds of humanity's current level of tech—which is, in itself, pretty amazing—the fact that this serendipitous confluence of filmmaker, film royalty and film festival fanfare should fall even remotely within our purview has made this movie, and its probable awesome, a hot topic around Geek Speak headquarters for months.

Which is why I am sorry to report that it's just... it's just not that good.

Oh, it is replete with simply breathtaking special effects, and the cinematography (or whatever passes for cinematography when most of your action takes place on a green screen) is top notch. GRAVITY is also a thrill-ride of fear and dread as our plucky, if annoyingly shrill, heroine (Sandra Bullock) and her only surviving astronaut colleague (George Clooney) are left adrift in space after satellite debris attacks their orbital position and kills anyone who has not won an Oscar. But if you've seen the movie BURIED, the one with Ryan Reynolds trapped in a cave-in on the phone to a calm-voiced company rep (and if you haven't, you should, it's great) then you will get the general gist here, except that BURIED doesn't burden us with pointless and torturously sentimental third act exposition about character backstory for no good reason at all. Everyone hated AFTER EARTH (and hey, I get it; those accents were awful), but it relied a lot on the same conceit. I'm not saying GRAVITY doesn't do it better. I'm just saying, GRAVITY is kind of like AFTER EARTH—which is, I'm guessing, something no one wanted to hear.

The plot is a super simple one; so simple, in fact, that I already gave it to you in less than a sentence in the above paragraph. What remains is pretty much silence, and while that silence can be pulse-thumpingly terrifying and is used to good effect – because in space, no one can hear you scream... unless they're on the com – its cynical employment throughout is symptomatic of the film as a whole. It is all very effective, but it is not very affective. You will probably be entranced, immersed and enthralled from pretty much the outset (I'll concede, I certainly was), but when all is said and done, GRAVITY is as unrealistic, as cliché and as forgettable as any other popcorn action- horror flick – perhaps even more so. It's basically the cinematic equivalent of a carnival ride; Space Mountain, if it lasted for 90 minutes and got really boring towards the end. I think it's trying to be all metaphorical at its denouement, but honestly, when your subtext is written in such a large font, it goes from pointed allegory to outright laughable stupidity quicker than you can say "No one ever taught me to pray." (Not, by the way, the movie's cringe-iest line. There are a lot of contenders for that title – maybe it's a lost in translation thing? Like when hit Asian rom coms get Hollywood remakes and all the over-the- top humor is rendered bizarre? Because the overwrought periods of Cuarón Sr. and Jr. might not be out of place in a favorite ¡telenovela!, but they fit very uncomfortably here.) (Wait. Is that racist?)

If you are planning to see GRAVITY – and I still think you should, if for no other reason than that everyone else will – then I suggest you do it while it is still in theaters, unless your home is equipped with a 3D projector and at least a twelve foot blank wall. Because this is a movie that is pretty much built for IMAX 3D, and without the additional element of visceral terror that comes from feeling like you, too, are hurtling through the inky black night accompanied only by the panicked (irritating) breathing of a stranded human rapidly losing hope of rescue, then this movie doesn't really have a lot to offer. It's rewatch quotient is pretty much zero, as well, so purchasing it on Blu-ray is simply out of the question, even if you do decide to watch it in your hypothetical kickass home entertainment room that I now totally want.

You know what it is? George Clooney, as genial and handsome and charming as he is (and oh, he is; Bullock is excellent here, too, with way more screen time), should just stay the hell out of space. I won't say he should stay out of our genre, because THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS! FROM DUSK TILL DAWN! Hell, even SPY KIDS! But considering SOLARIS and now this, I think it is time to revoke his off-world privileges, much as his superhero license was surely incinerated after his ill-fated stint as Batman.

And as for Alfonso Cuarón – he's a truly great director who should stick to putting other people's big ideas up on the big screen. CHILDREN OF MEN was a triumph of adaptation, a movie that not only had something to say but said it beautifully. Here, the message, if such there be, is lost in the CGI, and all the while the Laws of Physics are treated like they are made of Play-Doh, which is especially ironic, given the title. GRAVITY is lots and lots of style, but not much substance, and once you leave the theater and your pulse rate returns to normal, it's difficult to recall exactly what had you so excited to begin with.

Sigh. After last week's glimmer of hope in a world gone dreary, this episode brought back all my disdain for this silly, silly show. My main problem with Under the Dome continues to be the general stupidity of its denizens – both those with whom we are acquainted and the general population who exist only to be cannon fodder. Even Smart Kid Joe wasn't given any credit for brains this time out, and usually he's the only one who seems like he might possibly have what it takes to even graduate High School.

Still, for all its abiding awfulness, there were a few moments that made this time I spent trapped under the Dome with the rest of Chester's Mill not entirely regrettable. For one, Angie finally decided to change her jeans! (But then, maybe doesn't. Or perhaps all her jeans look the same? Let's just give her the benefit of that doubt here, so I can stop obsessing over her basic hygiene) Also, the scene in which she and Norrie deal with the latter's loss of her Mom only *12 hours earlier* is quite sweet, if a little abrupt with the catharsis. Oh, if only all teenagers were so self-actualized that they could deal with such a massive trauma in less than a day. There'd be far less emo in the world, that's for sure.

Also good was the dramatic showdown between Junior and his father, with Norris turning in a fine piece of Acting as the distraught Jim begging for his life (and his son's forgiveness). It was also pretty clever of Junior to tell Linda that he had taken Ollie's side as a double agent all along. I will give him points for that one.

Let us also hear it for glorified extra DJ Phil (Nicholas Strong), who managed to take part in the episode without doing anything except get shot in the shoulder. Why was he here at all? Will his family members who were Marines have something to do with it? Or was that piece of exposition just a further waste of everyone's time?

And while I don't think I care for the Mystical Glowing Egg of Wonder in the middle of the Dome – if this seriously turns out to be aliens, then it may be a bit too KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL for my liking – the new prophecy given to Julia (and superseding "Pink stars are falling") is at least slightly intriguing, especially if it turns out that Angie the Butterfly Tattooed somehow does have something to do with all of this. (AGAIN with the butterflies! What is it with this show?)

Only time will, unfortunately, tell on that score, since there are still five episodes to go in this debut season, and the show has, somewhat inexplicably, already been renewed for a second 13-episode run.

Lord – or Mystical Glowing Egg of Wonder – help us.

-- Full review at Geek Speak Magazine, geekspeakmagazine.com