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Dracula's Ex-Girlfriend (2024)
Biting
As a years-long fan of Philosophy Tube I of course had to check this out. Basically it is a dinner conversation between Dracula's current girlfriend and one of his exes. Vampirism has long been a metaphor for sexuality and predatory behavior and here it also represents abuse so we see how one might rationalize it during it and only properly recognize it when confronted by someone who already got out. This explores the long-term effects of toxic relationships. It's very rich. There's also some great stuff showing empathy for service workers making fun of fancy restaurants and LA. It gets into some of the pressures felt by young women.
It reminded me somewhat of what little I've seen of Fleabag albeit with dialogue in place of asides. It's incredibly well shot and edited and shows how much you can do with what appears at first to be as simple setup. There are some lgbtq+ themes aided by the the director who also handles other things including visual effects and cinematography being a member of the community and both lead actors being trans individuals. There is a consistent tension on account of the situation and all it represents in more ways than one which is sometimes mined for fear and anxiety and other times comedy. It's not constantly trying to be funny but it succeeds when it is and the several hilarious moments had me laughing uproariously. 8/10.
The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition (2009)
Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!
It's really no wonder that this, unlike many of its kin, got a special edition nearly two entire decades after. I did not play this back then, only know this version. As far as I've been able to tell if you want the exact same experience you could just press F10. I do agree with those who say that it's too bad that the voice acting is only in the newer. I mean even if hypothetically someone didn't want it just make a toggle function for that.
Yes, they did bring back the amazing cast. I will never tire of Earl Boen(rip) as ghost Pirate LeChuck, an alpha male who is it goes without saying toxic. By contrast you play as Guybrush Threepwood who wants to be a pirate but is frankly way too nice. He's also not really physically intimidating. I love that they don't try to make him into an anti-hero. As much as I do love stories about them, not everything needs to be that. Sometimes it's great to have a positive role model.
This features literally every single type of joke. Verbal, wit similar to Blackadder, sight gags, gross out, absolutely everything is in here. It's also one of those comedy games that appreciates that in addition to the aforementioned it makes a ton of sense to actually have you do things that are funny. 2 minutes into this I knew it was my kind of thing when it allowed me to attempt a conversation with a dog. Not one that speaks English mind you it barks and growls and so can you. I'm not going to pretend that it goes any better than you would figure it does but I adore that it even allows you to attempt it. It is a well established strategy to talk to everyone in these kinds of things so of course someone is going to think of attempting this and the fact that you can actually go for it is wonderful.
I definitely do think that the user interface should have been updated instead of leaving so much intact. This came out 12 years after the Curse of Monkey Island, the third in the series which remains my absolute favorite of the subgenre. It 100% nails the goldilock zone in my opinion where it is neither so complex that it scares off those who are not already ride or die and also not so streamlined that you find yourself feeling like you're barely applying yourself.
Basically in that you point hold down the left mouse button, there will be a hand icon for, for example, pick up, a set of eyes for examine, and a mouth for talk to. You move to indicate which you want, release and it does it. In this you have to select one of the dozen verbs whether by the menu that doesn't take up enough real estate I mean it's not like you're gonna need anything else at all before you've selected one, scrolling slowly in either direction or use one of the hotkeys which I will freely admit I never ended up memorizing in part because there wasn't quite enough need for many of them. Honestly looking at the entire list I actually never ended up using at least one of the ones that there are and completely forgot that it was even a thing.
To be clear I'm not saying that something that came out in 1990 should not have this, merely that they should not have stuck with it once they landed on it later. In case you are unaware one of the reasons for having people choose actions like this is that what we at the time referred to as graphical adventure was an offshoot of the text-based ones like Zork where whether you're learning about your surroundings you're being told story stuff or yes if you are working on solving something all of it is words no images at all and as such of course you are constantly having to tell it what action you want to take and it was of course very much an acquired taste. It's not the kind of thing you see a lot of people going back to today if they didn't love this really complicated and old-fashioned way of doing things. What we got in the first of these was a major upgrade as far as technology goes.
The inventory likewise has issues that could easily have been solved. It just does not take up enough of the screen again I am not doing anything with anything else until I've already used an item from it and even if I were I would just press the key to put it back away. Because of this it only shows 12 things at a time and when you scroll it only shows another four at a time. Keep in mind some of the stuff in this is time sensitive and it gets to be really obnoxious. I'm not the first person to point out that the art style here doesn't quite fit this particular entry. I appreciate that they were going for it matching some of the more recent ones and without a doubt some people got into this one on account of having played some of the later ones. I do think it was a mistake. There are also some glitches: sometimes you'll be told a hint on how to achieve an objective before you formally been given it when it really shouldn't show up until after.
The very ending does have some issues but I do greatly appreciate that it does conclude this one. I'm not certain they were planning sequels but even so it's just nice to be able to take in just one. Like if you love this one there's more if you were okay with just doing a single point and click game then you're not missing a conclusion. It doesn't leave you on a cliffhanger. 8/10.
Ash vs Evil Dead (2015)
Groovy, indeed
This truly does feel like the exact thing that would have been made many years ago if Army of Darkness had done better. Probably as a bunch of films instead but it being a TV show in no way limits it. This is every bit as bloody, gory and violent as we expect from the franchise, adding a lot more swearing, substance abuse and sexuality, really kicking everything up to the highest extreme. Basically if the censors would allow it and it makes sense then it will appear at some point on this. And it nearly always works. This gets the reaction out of you that it means to, whether that's grossing you out, making you think something is incredibly cool, scaring you, or getting you to laugh your ass off. The DVDs come with excellent behind the scenes and really entertaining commentary tracks. I'm not sure they mention a deadite training camp but they really must have had one because everyone 100% understands what they sound like, move like, behave like. The taunting, the harsh notes to the voices, the way that they don't quite feel like people and more as much as basically puppets for the demons to play around with, to torment the living. In the very early goings of this there is a bit of a motif where the leads will go to a place, encounter a new individual who provides some information, maybe an artefact to help them fight and not long after they leave to go to another place rinse and repeat. Thankfully before this ends up tedious, predictable and repetitive they settle for a different approach after which it really comes to feel like they are building a world that fits.
The politics are slightly mixed though I would argue that this does tend to lean left. When there are jokes about race and gender we tend to be laughing at the ignorant white CIS het man who just doesn't understand stuff that actually makes more sense than his perception of it rather than thinking that it's hilarious that not everybody has that exact identity. Without a doubt a lot of the harshest material is at the expense of Conservatives. There is also the element and I appreciate that this is actually fairly common today, the cast has a lot of diversity. Some of the major roles are a Jewish woman, a Latino man who is not Mexican and an African-American woman, all of them capable and contributing greatly to solving the problem despite all three historically in Western cinema being relegated to roles that reinforced bigoted stereotypes which let's be honest are very rarely even accurate in real life it's usually ridiculous stuff made up by people who were terrified of losing power to justify systemic abuse.
This goes for practical effects as much as is at all feasible since now it's technologically possible to very quickly produce, for example, fake cut off limbs. There is also CGI which early on isn't always completely convincing but there's so little of it at that point that it's seldom distracting. By the time there's a lot of it the budget has increased sufficiently that they can make it look great. Despite coming out right around the same time as the Star Wars prequels which though they get certain things right were frustrating in a number of aspects including their reliance on nostalgia and refusal to take risks, this is much more willing to expand its universe. Yes there are a number of references and callbacks but it's not constant. Instead this Focuses on giving us things that make perfect sense as existing but going unseen in the films themselves. It would have been really annoying if this was just the same thing over and over. They also aren't reluctant to leave that freaking cabin, finally.
We get some exploration of Ash, we get to meet some of the people he grew up with and understand how he became the way he is and there's also room for growth which Bruce Campbell absolutely nails. Sometimes we forget... dude can act. There's just a lot of his roles that rely on his boundless charisma and don't give him a chance to go beyond that. This handles character arcs fairly well. Depth is added to characters over the course of it. There's tremendous variety. Basically anything that at all makes sense for the situation might be used as a weapon. No body part is off limits and boy do people get sprayed with blood and other gross fluids especially in the face. They cover pretty much every setting that at all makes sense.
This does technically have a somewhat open ending. It's clear that they did think they might get a fourth season and thankfully they are working on an animated follow-up which also is a relief for its star who has come forward and said that he can't quite handle the physical demands of the role anymore which is quite understandable. He's been playing it for almost 40 years and started out as a college aged. However all three we do get end in ways that allow the viewer to imagine what happens next rather than cliffhangers which I think would have been really obnoxious here though I do maintain they work well in something like Prison Break. I'm really relieved that we are now seeing a lot less of them in recent stuff although I hear Netflix is pretty bad with still doing them which is especially aggravating for those who continue giving them a chance to let them down since they insist on cancelling popular stuff. Anyway if you find yourself part way through this and you just don't want to finish the entire thing you may want to finish just that chunk and then make up your own ending for after, though it's clear: lots of people kept up until they finished it. I recommend this to every fan of the franchise. 8/10.
Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)
Let's f'ng go
This had everything that I wanted and more. It is likely to bring the MCU back to profitability, not that it ever truly struggled that much artistically. Disney did not tone this down, it is just as violent, raunchy and otherwise delightfully offensive as the first two. There is definitely a lot of fanservice but all of it works in context and it doesn't feel like pandering. Unlike the Fox X-Men movies, no character just gets lost in the background, everyone gets strong moments. The titular duo are incredible together. This delivers a lot of what we want from the comics and the movie series that it combines.
The comedy targets absolutely everyone and is constantly laugh out loud funny; everything is fair game. There's a good mix of different types of jokes, so it never risks getting stale. You never know exactly what you're going to get next. The film definitely does have some issues due to being basically several things at once, similar to Dr Strange 2 and No Way Home. Sequels to highly successful entries, trying to do specific new story lines, follow up on stuff that wasn't even hinted at in its predecessor, and deliver multiversal shenanigans. This fares better by combining these things and tying it all directly into the plot in a very natural way. The villain is quite fun. Everyone feels like they're just jazzed to be on the show, man. 10/10.
IDENTITEAZE (2024)
Hook it to my veins
Full disclosure I've been a fan of writer director Jesse Earl known on YouTube as Jesse Gender for at least a year by now. While I don't agree with everything she says I always find her analysis of current Star Wars shows and other similar stuff to be compelling. I would love for this to lead to a series as she has expressed a hope for though it does also tell a full story. This is deeply impressive and not just for a debut. It is primarily made for members of the LGBTQ+ community especially trans and non-binary folks and I really appreciate that it doesn't feel the need to bend over backwards to accommodate us cis-het allies. But don't fret, everyone can find something to relate to in the exploration of identity, of being forced to hide part of who you are.
The technical aspects are immaculate. Impressive acting and writing getting across the ideas. No, the metaphor and allegory are not subtle but I think given how bad things have gotten with legislation(the bathroom bills etc.), we've gotten to the point where just being direct is the best approach. The editing captures the liminal space, the cinematography uses careful framing to underline, in a style somewhat reminiscent of Kubrick, the sterile, alienating set design which takes some inspiration from the masterpiece Cube. There's also some Matrix going on - it's no secret that the Wachowskis did an amazing job exploring what it's like being trapped in a system that hates you, in part for your individuality, and this takes that to a new level without ever feeling like a lazy rehash.
This is thankfully not as winky and frankly kind of gatekeepy as the Channel Awesome anniversary movies - rather, it is what it looks like when *talented* nerds(a term I use affectionately, as I myself am one) are able to make a piece of fiction that they're passionate about. This manages to put every cent of its budget on screen, similar to for example the pilot for Lost and unlike the one for Star Trek Enterprise. The special effects are great and it makes the wise indie decision to not try to depict something it can't do well. It features solid criticism of systems, corporations, the metaverse and binary choice. 8/10.
Onward (2020)
Now you know the worst that can happen so there's nothing to be scared of, right?
This time the amazing world that the studio makes and gets creative with is fantastic. Literally: it has magic. It does also feature modern technology, something I'm not sure we've ever seen done before this delivers what takes our always does it's emotional funny cute tense exciting has an important message the animation is incredible with a high level of detail.
Themes include that we have to be careful to put all of our past behind us, that growing up doesn't have to mean being boring, and the power of confidence. This gets a lot out of exploring the complicated relationships such as between family members. It's great to see the reuniting of Spider-Man and Star Lord who continue to have as strong chemistry as they did there. Holland is somewhat doing a riff on his Peter Parker. Pratt is doing the sometimes exhausting at times definitely well-meaning brother as he did on Everwood, and the goofball I understand he played on Parks and Rec. 8/10.
Twilight (2008)
Better than I expected
Nobody told me that this would have a spy story feel! This much mystery, trying to figure out someone's secret identity, hiding from threats, etc. The romance has great chemistry and you can absolutely understand why they fall for each other. Bella has personality and stands up for herself. Edward is protective. Everyone is well cast and really gets their character. They were exactly what I pictured when listening to the audiobook. This is also a very close adaptation; it changes only what it must and I don't really disagree with any of the new stuff.
The cinematography and editing capture both the High School age drama and the tension. A lot of negative user reviews hugely misrepresent this. Best I can tell a number of young men were fooled by the definitely misleading trailer which makes what little action this features appear to take up much more screen time and focus. And instead of simply saying that and engaging with what's actually there they instead misrepresent it. It's also quite disappointing how many of them just behave as if the fact that a Hollywood blockbuster was made that wasn't specifically for them but for teen girls is some sort of personal attack. 7/10.
Robin Hood (1973)
Currently the third top search results for versions here on IMDB for a reason
Sometimes you gotta do the obvious thing. I mean everybody loved animated Disney animals, the titular legend, and the latter lent itself extremely well to the tone that was mastered by the former. There's countless stories that you couldn't do this with. It almost works as a spiritual successor (which pretty much everyone wanted. A sequel would make less sense. Live action remake just barely did) to the Jungle Book. Little John is Baloo. Hiss is Kaa, he's even still hypnotising people all the time. The prince is like a weak cowardly cousin of Shere Khan. They also bring in the crocodile and others from Fantasia. In general they did an amazing job picking the exact right species for the different characters beloved and hated alike.
50 years later this remains the favorite version of the story for many and not even only those who grew up on it. It's one of the last times that Hollywood was willing to embrace the classic swashbuckling style of adventure. Starting with the 90s Kevin Costner version, onwards they were insistent on apologizing for it and making it modern imitating other movies of the time which proved especially fatal for the 2018 one. This features all the things we read about in picture books as seven-year-olds about Mr. Hood: disguises and other subterfuge even infiltrations, the archery tournament with some truly amazing shooting, and romance. It never gets old seeing the outlaws lift the ill-gotten goods of John the worst. It is surpassed only by the 1938 version.
This delivers everything we expect from the studios efforts of this sort at the time. Funny, cute, impossibly charming, tense, exciting, a lot happens despite a fairly short running time for a feature length release, every living thing moves exactly right unless that's the gag. It immediately addresses the obvious issue; children are meant to agree with Robin despite what he's doing being something they're not supposed to emulate. It is something that in-universe is acknowledged as being against the law and then it shows why it's necessary. We see the misery the Sheriff causes with the excessive taxation. He literally takes the one coin that a child gets as a birthday present, that the family saved up for! They don't call it cartoon villainy for nothing. Maid Marian and lady Kluck are good in part because they play with kids they don't even know just to make their day. The lead himself would love to marry the foxy lady but is worried he's not good enough for her rather than just assuming. 8/10.
The Help (2011)
Please stop trying to help
This is pure white saviour from the bottom up. The author of the book, the writer/director of the film that it led to, and the intended audience. It's this notion that the only way for black people to get civil rights is for us whites to take a leadership role, rather than the truth, which is just that we need to get out of their way and otherwise support them in any way we can.
It feels like Mean Girls. Which by itself would be fine. I have no issue with that. I know it means the world to a lot of young women and I can imagine I would love it if I at some point do get around to watching it as is the case with many other quote unquote chick flicks. The problem is that it tries to both do that and also tackle Jim Crow. And these two just really do not go together. It feels like a lot of shower arguments. Kathryn Stockett being angry at the housewives. It's entirely possible one of them is based very heavily on her mother. So she invents Skeeter as a sort of self-insert imagining that she would have been "one of the good ones". Is it stolen valour if they're fictional?
If you can look past that, though I don't think you should (my rating is based purely on the following, not any of the aforementioned issues), certainly this is incredibly well-made. Every aspect of production is immaculate. The cast is fantastic. I saw someone else compare it to a Christopher Guest movie in that respect, and I'd have to agree. Bryce Dallas Howard is given a quite thankless one note character but like everybody else absolutely hits it out the park. 8/10.
Coco (2017)
He doesn't have any hair and I don't have a nose and yet here we are
It's wonderful to see a mainstream hit that centers Latina culture, including music, self-reliance, family, traditionalism, the weight of expectations, being treated as different, and even hostile immigration officers, and a depiction of el Día de Muertos that doesn't spread the hateful lie that it's about being happy that people die. It's their way of commemorating the dead. Are we really gonna pretend like there aren't aspects of us white people's funerals that if you don't know the meaning behind them might put off people? This is why we need open communication instead of propaganda.
All of this does of course enrage white Conservatives. But that's not the only good reason to do it. There is a sizable South American population in America and it's extremely important to treat them well. This delivers everything we expect from Pixar. The animation is gorgeous, the use of lighting and colour deeply impactful, in a time when entirely too many live action movies seem to have forgotten these core elements of visual storytelling. Everything moves just right, usually the exact way that kind of person or creature would in real life or absolutely not if that's the gag. It's exciting, tense, funny, cute, emotional, has an important message, and empathises with people too often overlooked. They get creative with the unique world that they make up. So many fun bits with skeletons walking around, bones separating sometimes on purpose other times not. Especially in the afterlife where it's not actually an injury merely an inconvenience and you get used to reassembling yourself. 8/10.
Wild (2014)
A journey
This does an excellent job exploring grief. The self-destructive behavior that only very temporarily makes you feel alive and has long-term consequences, and the way that you can turn the person you lost into a perfect saint in your mind only to later come to realize that it was more complicated than that. This is the best work I've seen from the extremely talented Reese Witherspoon. I do concur with those who say that this is very much Oscar bait, and would probably be better if they weren't so focused on the Golden statue.
I always appreciate when progressive movies like this are willing to make their characters very complex. We no longer need to make movies that make every member of a minority out to be flawless. It's not working anyway. Conservatives just make up lies even when you point to one of the few people who's never made a single mistake. The vast majority of the negative user reviews that I read of this misrepresent at least one major thing each. You would think they would be eager about something that is this honest about a woman making mistakes, but somehow it doesn't go far enough. Maybe it's the fact that it suggests that redemption is possible. 7/10.
The AristoCats (1970)
Being British, I would've preferred sherry
Another animated Disney classic that delivers everything we expect from such. It's cute, funny, sweet, dramatic, and tense. Incredible animation, with strong use of colour and lighting. Hair and water looks very realistic. Everything moves just right, the way they would in real life, except for where that's the gag. The musical numbers are memorable, catchy and tell us about the characters. They get more mileage out of animals, even pets and we get more exploration of class. Though it is pretty disturbing that the antagonist is a butler, just working hard and expecting to inherit, given that there's no living relatives, before the freaking cats do. Encouraging children to prefer rich and adorable to someone hardworking who's occasionally annoyed with unreasonable demands.
Not gonna lie, I liked this much better when it was the other way around, and 101 Dalmations where the wealthy person who was trying to do in fuzzy little creatures who were in the care of poor people. At least it does feature some positive depictions of the latter, though a lot of them are feline, few are human. There's also the misogynistic depiction of the twin sister geese who when trying to help worsen existing problems something that some people do actually believe is a common trait for women. Probably to distract from how often we men do that. There's also some negative stereotypes, including some pretty intense orientalism.
The various characters are credible including in their interpersonal relationships; the sibling dynamics are especially convincing and relatable for most kids watching. Lotta characters in this seem to dream reality - I guess this was back when a lot of people believed in precognition. I'm quite fond of the dog that loves chasing cars and can tell you everything about it just from the noise that it makes. The elderly people who still enjoy dancing are impossibly charming. This one manages to feel like it isn't terribly episodic despite actually being so. It's just better at connecting it all together in a way that feels logical than most of the others by the same studio from before the renaissance. 7/10.
Enchanted (2007)
Is that the only word you know? "No?"
Imagine if the royal couple from a classic Disney animated fairytale adaptation traveled accidentally into modern day New York. This basically give us the company's own take on that exact concept and it's pretty clear that they were careful to not go so far that they alienate their fan base. It's playing it very safe and basically improving the brand without actually changing all of the aspects that led to the backlash that was in full swing around this time. Some of the jokes are the exact same as everyone was making in memes already. It even reinforces some of the regressive values and features some of its own.
With that said, it's near impossible to not be won over by this. The idealistic view of romantic love that Giselle believes in with her entire being is genuinely infectious. It's no wonder that this led the world to embrace Amy Adams as a star. It wasn't the first time she played a well-meaning naive optimist. She nails that in Drop Dead Gorgeous as well; though here, she does walk an even finer line. Almost everyone around her is expressing jaded cynicism and yet she manages to not just be obnoxious. The same is true for her seeming polar opposite Robert who is the straight man to her shenanigans. A divorce lawyer and single father, of course his heart is not very open.
This truly does deliver everything that was expected from the type of film that it is playing with the tropes of, and does actually function quite well as an entry not only a satire. That is one of the reasons it has been referred to by a number of people as Shrek without the bite, another excellent movie. This has absolutely amazing live action musical segments that actually reach the level of the original Blues Brothers in parts. Not quite at the same amount. Huge crowds of people dancing and singing you just wish you could step through the screen and join them. The costumes are stunning, props, creature design, depiction of magic. It's tense and exciting, funny, cute with marketable animal sidekicks. The CG doesn't push it too far with extremely few exceptions; it's not always photorealistic but it's meant to be somewhat stylized. It rarely feels like there's just nothing there. 7/10.
AER: Memories of Old (2017)
Expectations
One of the major things about this one is that you have to go into it with accurate realistic expectations. A lot of the negative things I've read about this were from people who that was not true of. I'm not saying it's flawless; I'm just acknowledging a pattern. Some of what I'm going to describe here could come off as bad to you. If that's the case it's probably simply that it's not your kind of thing. I'm going to be as neutral as I possibly can.
This features an open world that you can explore almost entirely at your own leisure. It is however largely empty; there's almost nothing you can interact with and the vast majority of it is nearly completely devoid of living animals, much less NPCs. And even when you do encounter the latter any communication is just you activating the lines they have to deliver. There are no dialogue trees. No one follows you or otherwise engages with you. There's at least one that shows up more than once that's about it. They give you hints at what you're supposed to do and also provide world building.
This does not have collectibles, something that would have been easy to implement and would have increased replayability. The achievements do encourage you to go everywhere and try to see everything. That is also how you find out where to go, nothing other than place names and a little bit of progress ever get marked on the map, which starts out almost completely empty, has been provided by the finest cartographers in the land and they would be grateful if you would just fill it out as you go. I loved playing this but if I ever fire it up again it'll probably be for the stress relief of the flying.
That probably is the single best aspect of this. From mere minutes into this whenever you're outside you can transform back and forth at will between human form and that of an eagle. You can stay in the air for as long as you want. Essentially the only negative things I've seen that I think make any sense is the fact that it's literally only used for transport and exploration; there's never any challenge connected to it. Then again there isn't particularly, in any aspect of this. And someone pointed out that there's not that much flying up and down; it's mostly on the horizontal axis. Sometimes there's such distance between the islands that you'll spend over a minute just closing distance that you couldn't possibly on the ground. Certain places are so far away that you won't even be able to see them for a little while. Some are covered in those wonderfully fluffy clouds that you will never tire of going through.
That's also where the controls are completely smooth and responsive; that is not quite the case for the platforming which definitely is something that could have been handled better. It's one of the central tenets of that subgenre. Not that there's anywhere where it's completely okay unless you're doing it to make it tough on purpose like the tank configuration of several Silent Hill series entries. It is slightly unfortunate that there are places where it really looks like you could make a certain jump and then you attempt it and it turns out it was simply that the level designer didn't realize that anyone would attempt it. In reality you'll glitch into something though I personally never got stuck anyway. Or you'll hit an invisible wall. Other than that they did a great job; everywhere you look there is environmental storytelling going on. Some places it is warm and sunny, others it is snowing and there's some wind. I feel like the word "storm" is possibly pushing it. Anywhere that has people feels like it actually could support them. Like, there's at least one place where there's access to water, a farm with a field of wheat, sheep and an entire family working there.
The puzzles have been described by some as perfectly fine in how tough they are, some even suggesting you'll need a walkthrough. And certainly if you find yourself in that situation those do exist some in text some in video. Others say, and I agree, that these can barely be considered brain teasers. Essentially it's more like they are tasks. So somewhat like the relatively recent title Adios. It's making you appreciate this situation rather than trying to stump you. So it has more you can do and faster movement than Dear Esther. All three of these are less video games and more vivid short stories that you get to feel like you are experiencing in real life.
The ending has caught some flak. I won't spoil it here though I will try to explore it without doing so. Like many aspects of this it's not quite mainstream; it's not giving you what you think you want it's trying to do something else. There is an audience for what it's doing; it really won't appeal to those who are not part of that. Nothing in this actually suggests that the ending will be what evidently a number of people did expect because of the medium. And there's no shame in that; I'm one of them. At first I was very disappointed. But upon reflection I realized that it does do what it needs to, and well at that. Don't get me wrong; if this cut to credits just 30 seconds earlier I would definitely agree with those who say it is unfinished. I hope that they don't cave to pressure and make a sequel, though I would love either a spiritual successor or just more from these developers. The low poly minimalist graphics are never unpleasant to look at and have meant that it aged better than some that go for a high LOD. No matter what you do here, you cannot reach a fail state. 8/10.
Toy Story 4 (2019)
I have a question. No, wait. I have all of them
Road trip! Further exploration of specific toys no longer being the most important to kids - 4th time in a row, would've liked it to be more daring. Some great gags; the Barbies are expert gymnasts, the porcupine feels that he is being miscast, Bo Peeps' sheep express fondness similar to dogs(and she's still great with Woody), one of the three Combat Carls just so badly wants a high five and no one will give him one, the toys still have the efficiency of a military unit and Duke kaboom is a complete joy.
I'm very relieved that by this point they were ready to acknowledge that kids being creative with their toys are not serial killers in the making. Honestly, the existential dread of forky is deeply effective. He was made from trash and he wants to return to it. Honestly, same. Of course, if we apply the slavery allegory that works so well on these, then it's quite horrifying.
It delivers everything we expect from Pixar Animation: it breaks your heart, it's exciting, cute, funny, has important lessons to impart upon impressionable youth, great use of color, shadow, immensely high quality of animation - hair looks great, eyes have a lot of humanity, every living thing moves just right. 7/10.
Sleeping Beauty (2011)
That's one way to put it
Lucy attends college. She has a seemingly endless stream of odd jobs. It's not entirely clear if all of this is truly just to pay for student loans, and maybe it's very little she's paid at each, or if there is some other reason. Ultimately, I don't think we need a clear answer to this, because that's not really the purpose of this film.
She and everyone around her seem stuck in a state where they don't really care enough about things to improve - maybe they don't even think it is possible for them to - even though clearly they are not fulfilled. And so we see them engaging in various activities to try to feel something, never really reaching a consistent positive state.
The camera rarely moves and tends to stick to medium and wide shots, leading to a very sterile feel and a sense that it and we are ogling Emily Browning. She nails the role like she also does in Sucker Punch, The Uninvited and A Series of Unfortunate Events. Thus, we are encouraged to consider the male gaze, something that for the longest time was just seen as the norm, an inescapable fact. There is definitely a discussion to be had on whether or not it is the right approach, if it works, and certainly I don't blame anyone for saying that it doesn't justify its use. 7/10.
The Jungle Book (2016)
All because a mother loved a chick that wasn't her own
Overall, I don't think that a single live action remake of a Disney animated classic was called for. However, this is one of the better ones. It sets up immediately some of the stuff that in the original only came up around the midpoint, such as our species ability to work with tools(and how that can be appealing to friends and frightening to enemies), the threat that fire poses and why it is so feared personally by Shere Khan, who has a more physical presence here, instead of just being mentioned a lot until he finally shows. He's also got a bit of a Scar thing going here, much like the 1998 live action adaptation; it's apparently also in the original book.
This fares better when it comes to photorealistic animation than some of the others, and helps underline that it is entirely possible for this approach to allow for striking use of lighting color and camera movement - Bill Pope remains a legend. Yes, the characters are redesigned. The faces are allowed to be much more expressive than The Lion King remake. Also, the fact that it isn't trying to directly recreate every scene with minor changes, rather brings in new ones that are created from the ground up with purpose is a major strength. The element of the allegory for race with Mowgli being ogled at and treated as different by all the animals sadly remains extremely relatable to minorities to this day. This manages to explore it with more nuance and detail then the first one. It doesn't feel as episodic.
The best of the songs make it in. A bit of Bare Necessities, I wanna Be Like You, and over the end credits, Trust In Me. This delivers what we expect from animated Disney. It's exciting, fun, cute, sad and dramatic. The phenomenal actors are all well cast; this is jam packed with talent. Idris Elba brings his intense presence, Giancarlo Esposito his soft spoken intelligence, Lupita Nyong'o her deep well of emotional vulnerability, Ben Kingsley his regal air, Bill Murray his charisma, Scarlett Johansson her smooth as honey seductiveness, and Christopher Walken is literally summoned by cowbell. I haven't seen Neel Sethi in anything else. I can confirm he nails it here. I mean in reality he's running around a green screen set surrounded by performers in skin tight colored suits that are later replaced. The fact that he is at all convincing is a miracle, and it goes far beyond that. 7/10.
The Jungle Book: Mowgli's Story (1998)
How could something so good be responsible for something so bad
A retelling of the book from the kid's perspective. Which changes little, unsurprisingly. But it is not exactly the same as what we saw in the 1967 one.
This feels distinctly like it was perceived to be an easy way to make some more money off a property Disney already could use, and that had been profitable for them in the past. It isn't even the first live-action adaptation of the book. After all you just got to get animal wranglers to the location and that's it. It doesn't take CG. The human on-screen cast is minimal, though there are some extras. There's only one song, the very catchy and completely meaningless Monkey Time, which I'm sure drove some parents up a wall when this first came out, because their offspring wouldn't stop singing it. I appreciate that it sets up the danger of Shere Khan, as well as the fear of man's fire, almost immediately. We don't see those for a while in the original animated classic. He works with other species, somewhat like Scar. The film focuses on the threat the tiger poses to the man cub, and him learning how to hunt so that he is safer. Through this, they explore the coming of age themes of finding out where you belong, discovering who to trust and not making rash decisions.
This does manage you to get a lot of mileage out of some of the critters being cute and others being intimidating. Honestly, it would be so much better if not for the 90s children's film aspects. There's a near constant chatter - including the largely unnecessary narration, usually literally just spelling out what's plainly obvious from the visuals. I wouldn't rule out that it was a studio note, rather than always the plan. It never really stands still for very long, not trusting children to have a little more patience the way that the animated classic did, at least by today's standards. The puns are too plentiful, and so often they go for the most obvious one. Some of the voice cast is well chosen, and they do the best they can with what they're given. Considering how much of a boys club a bunch of these are, I do appreciate that Eartha Kitt (Catwoman herself!) lends her silky smooth vocals to Bagheera. I'm not sure I would claim that I thought Brandon Baker did that strong of a job, but considering his age and the script, he could be significantly worse. Certainly there's a sincere conviction to his performance. I mean, he spends a lot of this literally directly talking to creatures as if they understand him, and will answer, which of course they didn't on set. 4/10.
Boys on the Side (1995)
Sometimes I understand the inclination
This is a deeply humanizing movie. It's about focusing on the things that bring us together, not the ones that set us apart. It presents us with three young women who could scarcely be more different, and yet they grow to really care about each other.
Everyone here has some flaw, and we are encouraged to see them as full people, not reject them. It does draw a clear line; some people you should cut out of your life. And no, it is not about us straight white men being terrible. There are positive depictions. That shouldn't matter; I don't think it's necessary. But I know some people will get very upset if they aren't reassured of this.
This is a movie that goes back and forth between being sad and funny. Some have taken issue with this and I do appreciate that sometimes it jumps too abruptly between the two. But I do think that this is a great way for many movies, perhaps most, to go about it. Real life also has us going between these extremes, and we might sometimes feel like we'll never reach the other extreme ever again. Media like this, as well as the work of Pixar and Disney animation can help reassure us that things will get better - and remind us they might also get worse. 7/10.
The Forest Quartet (2022)
Ya like jazz?
In this, you play as the spirit of Nina, whose beautiful singing continues to have a positive effect even after her passing. The other three members of the titular group grieve in different ways, as is true in real life, depicted well, and you have to help them through that, bringing them to a cathartic final performance. It's very clear that this was made by people who actually are mourning - the real person was named Emma Ninnel. The beautiful forest that served to distract the four from the big city, which literally led to depression for one of them, has now fallen dark, gloomy, creepy. And it's up to you to restore it. Every step of the way, the atmosphere is incredible. Despite this similarity, it doesn't have the challenging puzzles of, say, Amnesia: The Dark Descent. It really is a mood piece and I think that was the right choice. There are no real brain teasers here. You could brute force this if you wanted to, given that the ones that aren't intuitive literally have the solution shown and you just have to go and find that spot and then return to accurately recreate it. You never spend terribly long on any individual one of these. It's more like tasks, similar to Adios.
The graphics are great. Stylized. Not attempting photo realism. Everything feels alive, vibrant. There's so much movement without it being overpowering, overstimulating. This is isometric. You move through areas that are connected and relatively closed off, linear. Certain spots require you to pick up and move something. You connect lines, you float, and you transform back and forth between yourself and a swarm of butterflies. I was struck by this not going for the appeals of flying in other games, such as Just Cause 3, where it's about the freedom, the speed, the thrill because you might crash and you have to carefully avoid that. Here, it goes for the majesty of reaching a higher altitude. And as cheesy as it sounds, "there ain't no mountain high enough", to keep you from helping the trio. This was made entirely by Danes and it's one of many pieces of media that makes me proud of my fellow countrymen. We really do have a lot to offer the rest of the world. By the way if you play just a little into this you might worry that all of the spoken words are in Danish. But it's only the very start, which like the rest of them are subtitled into English. And as one of the six million people who speak the language, I can confirm the acting for that first bit is excellent as it is for the rest. As others have pointed out, over the course of it as you listen to the score it does feel incomplete, in a purposeful way. It never sounds "bad"; you can tell that you're listening to musicians who should be playing together, and this further urges you on.
It is advised that you play this with a joystick; it is possible to use the keyboard and certainly that's how I got through most of this, and was fine with it. Still, it definitely is slightly awkward and the menu does not allow for remapping the keys. It feels a bit like an afterthought. This saves your game each time you've completed an entire area. Not a single one of them should take more than 10 minutes. As someone who's recovering from tennis elbow and dealing with chronic back pain, this was never straining. I would also recommend it to people who like the basic idea of games that have you solve things, yet are currently nervous about if they are smart enough to make it all the way through them. And I don't mean that as an insult. It reminded me somewhat of Dear Esther, albeit this does have interaction. As such I think it helps show how that one could perhaps have been improved albeit I maintain that it's fantastic. What I mean is both have you moving through areas that have you wanting to fully explore where you don't encounter NPCs, much less enemies that you have to fight, and every so often you get a voice over snippet. Frequently here, it's a part of an interview.
There are not a lot of achievements in this and only one of them is something other than just ones that encourage you to keep playing further. And the addition of collectibles could also have greatly increased the replayability. I do respect that that wasn't the choice made again I'm really just helping people who are considering buying it adjust their expectations. Most of the negative reviews I've read make it clear that it really is just that they didn't realize what this would be before they got into it. Which is of course frustrating to experience. I've seen it criticized that these don't really give you much of an idea of who the band members are as people; I agree that this is an accurate statement. However, I take issue with the notion that this is bad or that it represents a failure. It was not what they were going for. This is not a character study; it's about the effect that this individual and the location had on them. Like other stories told by men about specific women and how they inspire them, think for example the first Alan Wake, this definitely does not feature very much depth for her at all, and does perpetuate the misogynistic trope of them literally existing entirely for the sake of males, to motivate us, serve us. I mean it does help that at least it's a positive way, rather than positing that they as a group intentionally go out of their way to harm us. With that said I definitely think a strong case could be made that there should be greater emphasis placed on underlining the humanity of them. 8/10.
The Beekeeper (2024)
"Tell. The. Truth"? What does that even *mean*?!?
A vigilante takes revenge for his sweet neighbor.
This kind of cowboy action movie has largely kept up with what your average movie goer is most upset about, and now the target is the phishing scammer, a group of people that we all agree are truly despicable, and thus there is great catharsis in seeing them brutalized.
They even get a chance, and many are allowed to go as long as they solemnly swear not to do it again(!). The movie goes to great lengths to make them as utterly despicable as at all possible. It really lays it on thick; it's honestly rather patronizing, but I'd be a bold-faced liar if I claimed for a single second that it doesn't 100% work.
The villains are unbelievably awful people, and we love to hate them. I will never be able to unsee Josh Hutcherson as Mark Zuckerberg by way of Logan Paul refashioned into a Donald Trump son, literally stealing retired people's pensions and showing zero remorse. Honestly, I never thought the endless stream of charisma and boyish charm who portrayed Peeta Mellark had this in him, but he looks like he is having the time of his life playing it... and so was I, watching it.
Without a doubt, this is a live-action cartoon. There is nothing about it that feels quite like it belongs in the real world, despite the gritty stylization. The plentiful and nicely spread out action looks incredibly cool. It is not tense outside of one brief bit; this is of course what we expect from writer Kurt Wimmer, and director David Ayer, true to form, stages it beautifully. 7/10.
Inhumans (2017)
Don't let the door hit ya, Ike
The story of a coup.
This presents us with a world where eugenics are the law. To the point where they're at stage five or six of the 10 total of genocide, the 9th being eradication. Where slavery is ruthlessly enforced by the caste system. The good news is that after introducing us to that it does provide us with someone who is doing all he can to overturn it. The bad is that he's the villain. And at no point does this manage to get across why we should side against him and with the royal family, who are established to be indifferent to all the problems of the city of Attilan they rule over, with 1400 citizens total. Why not simply make it that at the start of this, the King is going to make these changes, and the antagonist is desperate to stop him? Similar to how the South preferred Civil War to giving up owning people. Considering how many still feel that way it would be relevant.
I mean, best I can tell is it's an appeal to power. They're basically saying "they are in charge and it's not for the rest of us to question them". I don't think it's random that this came out not very long into Trump's first, and hopefully only, term. It reeks of government propaganda. Then again, a lot of the time, so does Agents of Shield. And that one still managed to very openly criticize him. Maybe this was meant as a counter to that? By the way, the only good thing about the existence of this show is that it might direct more people to watch that one; it's far superior to this. I mean, you'd think based on this that Donald was overwhelmingly popular across the entire country, when that was never the case; there was a vocal protest movement against him from the time he first announced his candidacy. This despite all the times he encouraged his supporters to violently attack them, sometimes managing to convince them to do so.
I personally think the politics mean that we shouldn't even consider supporting this. It is completely unacceptable to fight for, rather than against, fascism, especially today when it's on the rise and might win. I do appreciate that the rest of this is also terrible. It's extremely clear that this was originally intended as a 150 million dollar feature film. And honestly, the moment that was shut down, it should almost definitely just have been completely dropped. In no way does this have enough plot for eight episodes of 40 minutes each, for 5 hours and 20 minutes. It is unbelievably padded. The opening in the finale, both perfectly fine if we're grading on a curve, are really the only times where anything happens that matters at all.
So what must we endure in the remaining, I somehow hear you ask? Bland fish out of water comedy, unengaging melodrama and an endless series of terrible decisions by those who should know better, purely so that things can happen the way that they do. After we see the superpowers used some in the pilot, this bends over backwards to explain a way why we don't see them that much after that point, because in reality they don't have the money for that. Maybe this could have worked if it was animated? I mean no disrespect to anyone who draws for a living; it clearly requires talent. However, if you are skilled enough, you can draw really wild scenarios that are incredibly difficult to replicate in live action. These were originally conceived in 1965, a time where pretty much any far out concept they thought would appeal to readers could make it into comics.
When we actually do get special effects, they usually are way too ambitious. I realise that the Moon city requires CGI. At the very least for the invisibility dome. But if they were gonna do this many such sweeping shots of the exterior, they really should have done as much as they could have of that with miniatures. Also, why do they keep feeling the need to let us know that's what we're looking at in text? More than halfway through, this opens one scene in a location that we're at this point completely accustomed to by telling us that's where it's taking place. Lockjaw the 2000 pound dog is just not ever completely convincing. And it's ridiculous in my opinion that they insisted on doing that entirely on a computer. All they needed was to get an actual bulldog, a trainer, and then make it look bigger in post. There definitely are some very impressive prosthetics.
There's not a huge amount of action, which is honestly a relief considering how mishandled it always is. I do want to give credit to the choreography team; they clearly were making an effort. Unfortunately, it's usually difficult to make out it or the geography, because this goes back and forth between quick cuts, where the camera is entirely to close for us to make out anything other than that a person is hitting someone else, and then these medium or long shots that enable us to realize what just happened, yet are too far away from the subject for us to feel anything about it. The kind of camera you might like for a fighting tournament game, though only used in brief lulls or after someone has already won. While I prefer interesting a-holes to boring goody two shoes, no one on this is actually compelling. And it does not appear that the people working on it had any idea that the leads are so unappealing. We just have one scene after another where they treat people badly who are doing nothing wrong, sometimes even ones who are helping them. When there is character growth, it's too little too late, and feels unearned. There isn't a single good acting performance here. This means it's because bad direction.
Cars 3 (2017)
You can use anything negative as fuel to push through to the positive!
A new generation is changing the racing world.
The original was about not being in too much of a hurry to appreciate the smaller things, the second was a spy flick, this one is a traditional sports movie; there's a new challenger that pushes the champ to change things so he can keep up, and forces him to consider if maybe he should retire. Think of it like a Rocky movie.
This delivers everything expected from Pixar. It's got something for everyone, it's funny, exciting. There's a message to take away that can help prepare kids for important issues they'll have to deal with in their lives. The animation is incredible; lighting, reflections everything moves just right. It breaks your heart. 7/10.
Distraint 2 (2018)
Huge improvement on the already excellent first
This picks up right where we last left off, and provides a deeply satisfying conclusion that we didn't realise we needed, but now can't imagine not having. I'm not surprised, but I am very happy to report, that this is absolutely not a tired retread. Rather, it is a compelling follow-up which gives us what we didn't know we wanted, not what we might have asked for. The ending is absolutely perfect and I refuse to give it away. Everything in this is directly connected to the central concept. There is not a single thing that was put here for no other reason than it is kind of neat. You encounter personifications of different aspects of your psyche, such as Reason and the nightmare fuel Agony. If I never see its monstrous face ever again it will be too soon. All of them are very in character for what they are. And it makes for a convincing take on how to process certain things, such as trauma.
This has every strength of the original as well as addressing the very few criticisms; it's very clear that one man studio Jesse Makkonen listened to feedback rather than getting defensive, bitter or doubling down. Since there is backtracking, you're now given a run function, also enabling you to flee the various terrifying creatures. You still can't fight them, which I'm very glad for. As much as I love that element of the Silent Hill franchise, something this takes clear inspiration from, it would simply not feel right here. You're not supposed to be an impressive individual here - you are not the danger. You don't knock.
You sometimes hide. The spots where that's possible are easy to recognize and you'll find yourself spotting them, making a mental note of their position before you need them, so you know exactly where to go when it's necessary, you walk up to it and easily go in and then leave once it's safe. It's a way to increase the tension without turning it into something it shouldn't be. The score is amazing. I'm deeply impressed by how much difference there can be between some of the tracks, whilst all of them are creepy, since that is a constant element. All of them feel like they belong with each other. The soundtrack is worth buying and listening to independently of the rest of this. Even when there is a sense of hope that remains a hint that things could easily escalate it's always disturbing.
When this means to imply the potential of a happy life, it does use the standby of married life, which I would usually take issue with. For quite a few people of all genders, that does not actually leave them feeling fulfilled. This is relying on stereotypes to convey the different things that it seeks to communicate, and this shorthand allows it a lot of nuance. Also, yes, this is after we've already seen that Price is actually miserable with where he is now. It's telling us that he does have an alternative. Because of this I absolutely approve of it.
This tells us a lot about the lead, his background including his childhood. Before this he was defined entirely by his actions and how he feels about them right now. This one tells us how he got there and points out that he did once have dreams and hopes for the future. Which does of course bring up the question: is it too late for those? And this is a major theme. It's something he wrestles with along with whether or not he actually can forgive himself, something that is vital once you've admitted that you've done something that was wrong and done all you can to make amends, which clearly is what he feels he has. Whether you agree is another matter. Neither here nor there. Where? Dunno. I'm getting into the weeds. Let's get this thing back on track.
Before, when you could interact with something there would be a generic icon. This time it actually tells you what you would be doing. This could be examine, talk, etc. Every time there is dialogue, there are now speech bubbles. There is still no voice acting; you read the lines and they're still colour-coded so you're never confused, and it gives the sense of hearing them. This does also mean that regardless of which of the languages you choose when you boot this up, you get the same level of experience without it needing a bunch of different actors from different countries. It doesn't even need one. Which of course helps make it possible for it to all be made by one person, other than the translations.
This features a greatly increased level of variety to the puzzles. Not quite as much as what he gave us in 2020, which is quite understandable; that one you use the mouse allowing for push pull movements and other such things. In this, you do it with the Use key. So it's very impressive what this manages despite this limitation. Also, this time around not even a single one of the dozens of brain teasers is obnoxious. I do maintain that's very impressive; I mean, what a success rate! This jumps a lot between locations, not in a overwhelming way and always reflecting the personal growth of the protagonist. A lot of areas feel like they could exist, some are even ones you visited before. Many others? Much more abstract. Clearly this is no longer taking place in the real world. Some of these, rather then having walls to impede your progress, actually do allow you to move into a zone that is entirely impossible to see, and you get the sense that something awful will happen if you stay in it. Ultimately, I was a tad too focused on completing this to stick around and find out if there actually was anything there. Still, I appreciate having something like that in there. 9/10.
The Sword in the Stone (1963)
Sounds like someone's sick. How lovely. I do hope it's serious. Something dreadful.
The T. H. White book is adapted.
There's a lot of quite amusing things in this. They include Merlin being kind of rambling. Getting into arguments with Archimedes. Referencing things that wouldn't come about for hundreds of years as if he is not the only person of his time who has any idea what they are. The various moving, shrinking and growing objects he uses his magic on which certainly make chores significantly easier - this definitely helped inspire that element of the Ant-Man movies.
This was of course far from the first time that a feature film depicted the supernatural. But on account of the freedom that not being live-action offers it features more of it in a shorter amount of time than ever before. The messages that one should not overlook those who have little power or trust too much in those who are physically strong and confident that brains outweigh brawn are great and extremely important to impart upon the young. On the other hand the squirrel sequence gets quite misogynistic, suggesting that only girls and women not also males get irrational when in love and that they are the ones who don't respect consent and we are the ones who suffer when it's violated when the opposite is frequently the case. It's also very mean spirited to present a conventionally unattractive female as being worthy of ridicule in particular if it expresses romantic interest, not to mention how it underlines that Madam Mim is not beautiful. The wizard duel probably should have taken up more of the running time; it could have helped make it less episodic on the whole.
It delivers all the things that were expected from Disney at the time. It's funny, engaging and exciting. The animation is great with strong use of colour and light. Every living thing moves in a way that feels natural unless that's the gag. 7/10.