Change Your Image
startide77
Reviews
Total Wipeout (2009)
My hearty congratulations to the Brits....
Thanks for making one of the most entertaining, funny shows on TV into the dullest hour of television I've seen in some time.
When I saw this was going to play on local digital channel Go! I thought "yes", so imagine my absolute horror at the abomination that screens every weekday night on TV. This is boring, and I'm a committed "crap TV" watcher, so that's saying something.
The US version of this show is hysterical, the two John's make a great combination and technically the show cannot be faulted, but this woeful British version is best avoided. Richard Hammond's commentary is straight and unfunny, there is none of the colour that is injected into the US original, hell, even the commentary on the Australian version is better, but at least one of those guys is actually a commentator. I mentioned the technical aspect of the US show for a reason, this Brit version is VERY low rent, shadows and camera guys are everywhere, and even the other contestants cheering on the finalists is unnecessary at best. And then there is the course itself, even if you're a "bad" contestant you get through it it under 2 minutes, why bother? The final Wipeout course isn't much better, seemingly not very difficult at all, from what I've seen.
If you haven't seen the US version, by all means, knock yourself out. If you have, don't bother, this hysterically unfunny show will only break your heart and leave you feeling very, very cheated, wondering where that hour of your life went, and regretting the fact that you'll never get it back.
Skin Trade (2004)
Plain and Unflavoured
An ideal beginners volume, but that's about it.
This is plain, generic vanilla flavoured porn if ever I saw it. If you've been schooled in modern porn comprising threesomes, double penetration, anal, gang bangs and the like, Skin Trade will disappoint in all respects. Hell, there isn't even any girl on girl! In fact, I still can't figure out why it's called "Skin Trade" exactly. It's not as if Sunrise Adams is selling anything particularly flavoursome.
Scene after scene of straight boy on girl sex, in dodgy, poorly constructed sets. You'd have more fun at the dentist, honestly!
Truth is, I feel guilty I offloaded this piece of crap on some poor unsuspecting porn fan on ebay. Whatever I got for it, I assure you it was far too much.
Camping del terrore (1986)
Don't worry if you haven't seen it...
you didn't miss much.
By the numbers slash and stalk affair. You neither care that these people die or how, to be quite honest. No, I tell a lie, these people get offed in whichever way Deodato thought best, and then their "friends" get on with their long weekend, as if nothing ever happened. That in itself is quite amusing.
Aside from Claudio Simonetti's soundtrack, which is quite intriguing, and the location, which is very pretty, but not used to its fullest extent (proving Deodato really is just a hack who should've been collecting his pension cheque), this film simply adds to the the mid to late 80s horror industry decline.
You've seen it all before and probably better too. Go watch Friday the 13th Part II again, if you feel the need for backwoods horror, or pick up Madman if you haven't seen it, or even Tony Maylam's The Burning. All are far superior backwoods horror films, with similarly effective soundtracks and much spookier atmosphere.
When a Stranger Calls (2006)
Much better than you might think
In the old days, the studios used to re-release films endlessly, as it gave them extra revenue streams, then they started remaking them, and now in the 00s, the remake has made a comeback.
First, let me preface this comment with my opinion of the original. When A Stranger Calls (1979), has all the hallmarks of a dull telefilm. That's the truth. Aside from the opening and closing sequences, not a whole lot happens in the middle, and what does happen really isn't very interesting.
When A Stranger Calls (2006) is quite honestly, not that much different to the original in that aside from the opening and closing sequences, not a whole lot happens in the middle. Only this time we have an ultra modern house to give you the willies and some obnoxious teenagers with endless cell phone budgets, and nary a pimple in sight. There was one thing that irked me, like the fact that she never once goes upstairs to check the kids she's supposed to be babysitting. Not once! In total, WASC, 2006 is typical modern horror. PYT TV stars, a reasonable budget, and some thrills and chills without being OTT, after all, we have to cater for the PG-13 crowd, don't we? I like modern horror, and I liked this. It wasn't the best horror film I've seen in years, but it was far from being the worst, and it didn't have to be racist, pornographically violent or misogynistic in achieving it's goals, which it does reasonably well. For that, it is to be commended.
Unhinged (1982)
A must for film students!!
I've never really considered myself much of "student" when it comes to watching films, I watch them, form an opinion and that's it. But Unhinged changed all this. This film is without a doubt the most inept attempt at film making I've ever seen. Every kid who rocks up at university thinking they're gonna be the next Spielberg or Tarantino needs to be handed this film with a handbook titled "How Not to Make A Film". Not only is there no story to be had, the film makers weren't even competent enough to make a film worth watching. It's been a while since I saw it, but all I can say is watch the overhead tracking shots in the opening scenes. They are never ending! It's almost like having your teeth pulled, only not as much fun.
Mortuary (1982)
Unbelievably creepy spook-fest
I saw this when I was a kid and it scared the bejesus out of me. I saw black hooded figures for months after wards.
Fast forward some twenty odd years, no matter how hard I try, I still cannot watch this film in the dark.
Mirrors and glass are used to great effect, the California locations make a decidedly original change from the backwoods of nowhere, as was so popular at the time, but are so brilliantly used (where oh where is that magnificent house?), one particularly brutal killing, sleepwalking and the stunning Lynda Day George.
This isn't your paint by numbers slasher, which has probably led to its low IMDb rating and you really must watch it alone as the sight of Bill Paxton in his early career may force your viewing companion to make comment about it and lose all perspective, but this vastly underrated little chiller is well worth it.