Change Your Image
alexbeaumontpokemon
Reviews
Martyrs (2008)
The most awful thing I've ever seen
I wanted to be sick multiple times and it felt like I'd die after watching it so the director 100% achieved their goal of making a truly horrific film
Anomalisa (2015)
Extremely weird: I'm really on the fence with this one
I mean I love the art style and the concept, but I don't know. It's really bizarre. Really really strange. Just left me feeling rather confused and unsettled
Se7en (1995)
Brad Pitt ruined it
Everyone was fantastic, the script was really well written and the cinematography was beautiful. Then factor in Brad Pitt. He acted abhorrently and his character was so negative that I found it really hard to root for him
Music (2021)
Awful and offensive
This is so vile. It's just a punch in the face to a community that wants to be understood and accepted. Instead of getting an autistic actor or talking to autistic people as part of the research process Sia instead made this and still defends it. this whole film is just a caricature of autistic people and it's disgusting.
Deep Water: Episode #1.5 (2019)
Easily the worst episode
The dancing. Eugh. I can't with this. This review is apparently too short but I'm not sure there is much left to say. If you are considering subjecting yourself to this please take this as a warning.
Deep Water (2019)
Man bad, woman good
Cringeworthy scenes, terrible acting, equally pathetic writing. My ten year old sister could probably write something more nuanced and believable. Don't even mention that god-awful scene of Anna Friel dancing in the most dead club I've ever seen.
The Drowning (2021)
Man bad, woman good: typical Channel 5 mess
As someone with basic logic and knowledge of the world, I felt like this show was patronising me.
Where do I start with this? Let's start with the actual basis of this show. Jodie is a total creep. She isn't some hero like you are meant to adore. She sees a boy who looks like her missing child, so what does she do? That's right, she stalks him. No, I don't mean she looks at his dad's Facebook and LinkedIn. I mean she actually follows him to his school, goes to his house and then forms an extremely inappropriate relationship with him when she gets a job in his school just to stalk him.
On that subject, the writers clearly don't understand how DBS checks work. Not even going to bother indulging the blatant stupidity so I'm leaving it at that. Anyway, she leaves her "friend" to struggle in their landscaping company alone before getting her other colleague beaten up and stealing money from the company account. She seems rational and kind, doesn't she?
Now we're onto my favourite character in the show: the fake passport guy. He is so original of a character, an Eastern European bald man in a long black coat who runs his dodgy dealings through a car wash, which is complete with a burning bin. How they came up with this complex never-seen-before character I will never know.
As the show progresses and the tumour that it planted into my head continues to grow, we see the boy -who has the judgement and reasoning of a sock- completely forget about the man who raised him in favour of the ramblings of a nutcase. He believes he is Jodies missing son, who conveniently had the same scar and hair, and then they go to the fake passport man so that they can flee the country in a van with Jodie's business details on the side of it instead of use their brains. Of course they're detained. Who'd have seen it coming?
A DNA test is done by the police and Jodie's brother is very coincidentally involved. He changes the outcome of the test to keep Jodie out of the prison cell she belongs in. Surprise surprise. So, Daniel (Jodie's alleged son) sees his father get thrown in jail, threatened with 20 years of prison time.
Jodie of course, gets away with everything and social services decide it is perfectly fine for her to be the sole guardian of Daniel. I mean, I know they're useless but are they that useless? After all, Jodie has committed multiple crimes including:
-stalking
-kidnapping
-using a false DBS certificate
-attempting to take a kidnapped child across the border with a counterfeit passport
-assault
But no, I forgot, she's a woman in a Channel 5 show.
Finally, we're nearly at the end of this sh!tshow. For some reason (wait, reason doesn't apply to this show) Jodie's brother decided to go on the Channel 5 version of a psychotic rampage and takes Daniel to the lake where Jodie's son disappeared. After some boring scenes of driving and talking, the brother explains that Jodie's real son is in fact dead and it's all his fault because a phone call was more important that watching a young child near open water, so he briefly tried to resuscitate the drowned child before pushing the body away into the lake. Wow. So anyway, after he finished explaining that his career meant more to him than telling a now grieving mother what he had done to her son, he somehow ended up fighting Jodie in the lake and he drowned? I don't get it either. I'm still trying to process it which is probably a waste of time. They threw in a wreath which was coincidentally there and it conveniently landed next to the dead boy's toy boat on the bottom of the lake.
This is a show that doesn't seem to understand that dead bodies float, it isn't THAT easy to get into a school, and that being a creepy stalker isn't heroic just because a woman is doing it.
Marriage Story (2019)
Got the mood right
Fairly accurate for a divorce story I'd say, acting was spot on. Would have given it 10 stars but then Adam Driver randomly started singing a song near the end which came out of nowhere and was weird to watch. Good film
Lo imposible (2012)
They cashed in on a disaster; they didn't even do it well
This was utterly torturous. I'll keep it short and not so sweet, last time I tried my phone turned off deleting my progress so I'm even more enraged, this film is just determined to ruin my day.
I hated all the acting, especially from that one woman I can't remember the name of who was in King Kong (which seems like Pulp Fiction when compared to whatever this was) who's method acting consists of fake crying and standing there looking bored. Ewan McGregor was also pretty bad but that's nothing new is it. Tom Holland was.... there.
The characters were the embodiment of pretentious. Ah yes let's take our kids on a holiday to Thailand just because we can afford it. I mean, kids enjoy most holidays because they don't understand the concept of 5 star hotels or money. Well I'm pretty sure they'd have enjoyed a trip to a slaughterhouse more than this.
It's pretty lame too how they cashed in on a tragic disaster which killed a LOT of people. I can think of at least a hundred better ways of executing this theme as a movie. The acting only made it more offensive to the actual victims of the tsunami.
Nothing made any sense at all in this dumpster fire. I'm pretty sure if you get knocked out under water in a bloody tsunami you most likely will die. Not this family. Of course KKW (King Kong woman) is absolutely fine with half her leg hanging off, after all, there are no nerves that could possibly be damaged, no tendons severed, no bones broken, no bleeding to death. That would just make too much sense.
I walked out of this film because of how stupid it was, I can't stand disaster films because you can guarantee the acting and characters will be bog standard and the acting will be even worse. The characters were so vacuous that I couldn't root for them, I just wanted the nightmare to end.
I couldn't even be bothered to waste anymore time remembering their names. I've seen some pretty awful films, but even Tommy Wiseau's The Room didn't make me feel this type of rage. At least you could laugh at that. There is no relief in The Impossible.
It's even more disgusting to watch when you find out it's based of an actual family, which was in fact Hispanic rather than white like the family in this.
The Queen's Gambit (2020)
Superb
Finally a show with a female lead who doesn't put the focus on her being female. I like how the focus is on her incredible chess skills rather than her gender. Anya was the perfect actress for this role.
Cargo (2017)
Possibly the only decent Martin Freeman movie
I had very low expectations when I found out Freeman was in it. He wasn't exactly fantastic but he wasn't horrific. It had an interesting zombie design which kept us focused. The characters where pretty stupid though, Martin Freeman and his wife (couldn't even remember their names because I didn't care) had less common sense than their infant daughter. This film did have some provoking themes such as aboriginal land being stolen but it could have been explored properly. The end made barely any sense at all, I'm pretty sure you couldn't walk for miles after being shot in the stomach with a deadly virus taking over your dying body.
28 Days Later (2002)
Enthralling
Not much to say, the movie really does speak for itself. The atmosphere is truly unmatched, the cinematography is absolutely stunning and the music is so well chosen. 10/10 I would definitely recommend
Don't F**k with Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer (2019)
Had to be tasteful
Usually with serial killer/animal abuser/abuser documentaries it can look like they are defending or even glamorising/romanticising the person in question. Glad to see they didn't do this with Luka Magnotta and they remained professional and made a good documentary
Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)
Fabulous
Loved the film,, but it should have talked about how the government failed people like Freddie... that could have given it more weight. Acting was perfect, the casting couldn't have been better
Marcella (2016)
Lets itself down
It was great for 1 season and 7 and a half episodes,,, but the ending of season two was so backwards it put me off a bit. It's a shame because it was gripping and addictive throughout.
Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)
Fabulous
Loved the film,, but it should have talked about how the government failed people like Freddie... that could have given it more weight. Acting was perfect, the casting couldn't have been better
The Masked Singer UK (2020)
I hope jobs were lost over this...
How someone could watch this drivel and feel like they got some form of entertainment out of it I will never know. The judges are painful, especially Ken Jeong. The show follows a simple pattern: "celebrities" talk about themselves in a pitch-altered voice, sing a song, Ken Jeong stands up and starts with "I know exactly who this is", ends his speech with "welcome to the masked singer", second "celebrity" performs, audience votes, winner is revealed after the advert break. Imagine this for 60-90 minutes. All in one sitting. Then at the end the "celebrity" reveals themself. It's the definition of mind numbing.
After Last Season (2009)
Eerie
The lighting makes it seem very off and the fact everything is made of cardboard is also quite strange. The quietness of this movie and bad acting makes it seem like a secret cursed video I'm not meant to watch. The animations are especially strange. This cost 5 million dollars to make. Where did the money go? Cardboard? Powdered cocaine?? Wtf is going on????
Butterfly (2018)
Unrealistic
I liked the show but as a transgender person I found it extremely unrealistic. The process is longer, families aren't as supportive and it's genuinely a watered down, happy, entertaining, feel good story that doesn't in shine any kind of light on what it's like to be trans
A Confession (2019)
Awful camerawork
It's filmed like an episode of the office. It's not suitable for the theme of the show and it makes me angry to watch it. You can't focus on the story because you are focusing on the lack of background noise and hideous camerawork. I mean, come on guys, how hard is it to invest in a tripod?
Ursinho da Pesada (2008)
What a fun mess
Actually, this isn't fun. It was spawned in purgatory and is probably the video from 'the ring'
Fred: The Movie (2010)
Waste of my sad little life
Pixie Lott was awful. Lucas Cruikshank was awful. Nothing about this is good. Nothing is funny. Worst thing I've ever seen. I'd give it -10000 stars if I could
Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)
Trash
This movie is the worst thing in the history of anything ever.
The Room (2003)
Gloriously bad
This film is so bad and inept that it is just the best thing I've ever seen simply because it's so awful. None of it makes sense and my 7 year old cousin could probably write and produce something ten times the quality of this.
It's still very entertaining though.
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)
Entertaining and fun to watch
I like how this movie has good, well choreographed action scenes but also doesn't take itself too seriously like many other action films. The plot is consistent and it doesn't get too confusing.
The opening scene is very climatic but the pacing slows after that for about an hour.
Some points don't make much sense until the end and sometimes logic isn't applied. For example, someone got stabbed with a brick, in a room full of guns the weapons of choice were a shower and a toaster, and somehow a large truck managed to outrun a large explosion.
Other than this it was a good film and it was fun to watch.