johnno-17

Despite enough spent on this series to give it a glossy 'dark noir' look popular in sci-fi and suspense thrillers these days, the fact is the plotting here is so bad, it might just as well have been put together by Ed Wood (crown king of bad movie making).

This is what we have to believe: That out of 7 billion people, only a handful of FBI agents have any interest in figuring out a global phenomenon magnitudes greater than all natural catastrophes experienced beforehand. Oh, and some conspiracy assassins and a couple of science geeks - eventually.

Uh... no.

All right, I was only able to get through episode two, parts of E 3, and the last ten minutes of the final episode (just to find out if any of this made sense - it didn't). But it was enough to convince me that I needn't bother with the rest of this utter garbage.

Look, a global phenomenon of this sort would be addressed by governments, businesses and other private agencies, scientists and institutes across the global. The notion that a handful of FBI agents would be needed to deal with it - while also dealing with their soap-opera lives - is ridiculous on the face of it - laughably so, if the premise - flash-forwarding to the future - weren't somehow intrinsically interesting. But the disappointment of the unfulfilled premise closes off the laughter and just makes one feel... somehow used and dirty, like the final episode of "Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior."

But not interesting enough to continue watching stories so banally plotted and badly written. You have more important things to do with your time - like, picking lint from between your toes.

In order to like this show, you need to believe that the four Clampett hicks are so stupid, they can live in Southern Cal suburban culture for 9 years - 9 years! - and not learn a single thing about that culture. And that the two 'young-uns' are completely sexless, despite being many years beyond puberty. Or that anyone with half a brain would be amiable towards the diseased Clampetts simply out of nostalgia for white-trash 'down-home' cooking and banjo playing.

Watch "Deliverance" and grow-up.

If you think this show is funny because you believe you are smarter than they are - you aren't.

Evidence suggesting that there may be no intelligent life on this planet. Nothing believable or even remotely humorous here - move along.

Empty spectacle, fake religiosity, snooze-inducing narrative, cheesy cheesecake and beefy beefcake, crappy back-lot cinematography, bombastic dialog and music to match,endlessly mind-numbing moralizing, and acting that wood would be embarrassed to own -

Speaking about wood, this is Ed Wood on steroids with a big budget. DeMille knew just how to play the game (and Wood clearly did not), so he was able to splash garbage on the screen and get Hollywood to pat him on the back for doing so. He pandered to the basest instincts of his low-brow middle-American audience and dressed it up with biblical quotations and pretentious promises of moral rectitude. He was basically a con-artist with a camera, a P.T. Barnum let loose in cinema and given the green light by financiers and media mavens - and he got job done for them. 10 Bore-mandments made a ton of bucks, and film critics who should know better continue to sing its praise - Now that's the mark of a truly great con-artist!

It was unfortunate for DeMille that he died when he did - he would have made a lot of money as a televangelist.

Old joke - God comes down to Moses: God: 'Moses, I want to give you a commandment.' Moses: 'How much does it cost?' God: 'It's free.' Moses: 'I'll take ten.'

This little story tells the whole story - forget the film.