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Trap (2024)
Could have been called "Nepotism"
Once again Shyamalan provides us with another pile of feces, this time featuring one of his daughters. The premise of the film is absolutely nonsensical, with plot holes so massive it is a wonder if anyone proof reads Shyamalan's rubbish.
The plot of the movie is about the FBI setting up a sting operation at an arena concert for some pop artist named Lay Raven. Lady Raven is played by Shyamalan's daughter Saleka Shyamalan who is a pop artist in real life with an album. The nepotism is clear because the movie specifically goes through multiple songs and costume changes like a real concert. In the third act when the movie has her having to act it becomes even more clear the nepotism on display.
The sting operation has the FBI tell all the employees what is going on. That sure sounds like a great way to tip off the killer. Oh, the FBI also has zero idea what the killer looks like? They literally only know it is a man, that is it. The third act reveals how the FBI came to this nonsensical plan.
There are some unintentionally funny bits but not enough. This movie drags, only an hour and forty but feels like it goes on much longer. Probably has to do with all the interruptions from the plot to focus on his daughter's singing.
Poop movie, avoid.
The Happening (2008)
A truly weird experience
M. Night Shyamalan delivers what is one of the most baffling movies he has ever made. He has made a lot of stinkers in my honest opinion but this one stands out for its accidental comedic relief. This movie is quite consistently funny to the point it comes across as satire in which case I would call this a brilliant movie. However, make no mistake about it Shyamalan was dead serious in the making of this movie. The opening scene of the movie which is supposed to set the tone of the movie as being menacing is hilarious which carries on through the rest of the film. A plot that M. Night thought was genius is ridiculous and laughable.
Mark Wahlberg's acting is horrendous, like so bad you would think it is intentional. I guess this is the result of trying to cast the guy who plays tough guys as some sensitive high school science teacher.
I have rated this low but this is one of of those turds I encourage people to give a watch for the comedic factor.
Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (2009)
Beyond a Reasonable Thought
This is one of the dumbest movies I have watched in awhile. A journalist (Jesse Metcalfe) who believes a prosecutor (Michael Douglas) is planting false dna evidence in order to get consistent convictions. He is so convinced he comes up with the brilliant idea to make himself a murder suspect through circumstantial evidence, documenting this along the way to expose the prosecutor. This idea of his immediately made me shake my head and left me dumbfounded with how such a stupid plan could be the basis of a movie that could take it self so seriously.
Douglas is the biggest name in this movie but has little screen time, clearly in this for an easy paycheck. Metcalfe who is the lead is bad. Amber Tamblyn who plays the love interest is also bad.
Many people here seem to think the ending of the movie is good but honestly it just makes me laugh even more at just how idiotic Metcalfe's character was but I guess that is how things are in real life.
As Above, So Below (2014)
A welcome surprise
I am not a fan of found footage films, in fact I went in prepared to hate this film. It was on Netflix and I wanted to just put on something to half pay attention to while I cooked some food. Well, I ended up focusing on this movie and enjoying it quite a bit.
The first act is nothing amazing, just a basic set up of what the premise is. Once act 2 comes and they enter the tombs the movie shines. The main character Scarlett, played by Perdita Weeks, is Lara Croft lite. She is motivated to follow the steps of her father to find a relic. A likeable heroine.
Competently filmed and has a very satisfying ending.
Crimes of the Future (2022)
Crimes of no plot
First off this movie is extremely boring. There is no real plot to this movie, it is about a bunch of sadists and masochists who like to cut each other open for artistic and pleasurable reasons. Viggo Mortensen plays a weirdo who loves to wear sith robes, is constantly clearing his throat and struggles to eat some slop while sitting in a weird chair thing. This movie feels like it wants to just be disgusting and uncomfortable for the sake of being disgusting and uncomfortable.
My advice is to avoid this garbage like the plague. This is yet another instance where the attempt at high art ends up being nothing but nonsensical rubbish.
The Bastard Sons (2023)
Honestly cringeworthy
The positive reviews for this film reek of people who worked on the film or friends of the director. This movie is bad and not even funny bad, it is cringeworthy. You want to watch a bunch of middle aged men who aren't hard pretend to do the tough guy act? Watch this. The performances are poorly done and thus it comes off as cringe. There is one funny part of this movie and that is the shoot out scene where the acting is at its worst. Looks like they couldn't even get blanks for the movie as the muzzle flash is the horrible post production effects. You also have the actors pretending to shoot the weapons in overly exaggerated manners with horrible camera work. This is like a worse version of the middling movie Four Brothers and doesn't even touch Sopranos.
Phantasm: Ravager (2016)
An absolute mess
Let me be clear, I do not think this franchise is very good. You can look at my ratings for the movies. This one is easily the biggest pile of feces of the series. The classic example of making a sequel decades removed from the original, that rarely if ever works.
This carries on the story this mess of a franchise to only make it into an even bigger mess. The first two movies were pretty straight forward but as the series went on they got more weird and experimental. This one however seems like it was written by someone who was mentally ill. Don't even try to make sense what is going on and why. Other than that the movie is filled with horrific acting and special effects.
I'm not a fan of this series (though I do think the Tall Man is a cool character) but I say give the other movies a chance maybe you will like them unlike me. This steaming pile I with out a doubt say to avoid like the plague it is so bad.
Graduation Day (1981)
You will know who the killer is from the jump
This movie is a slasher flick about a track team who are murdered by some mystery killer after a girl on that track team dies tragically after finishing a race. This is shortly before the senior graduation is happening hence the name of the movie. The main character is the dead girl's sister who comes to town to get answers.
Anyone who has seen their share of horror movies will be able to figure out the killer is quite easily. I kid you not I picked them out the moment I saw them like 5 minutes in. The casting choice was a large part of this.
The movie attempts to bring in misdirection on who the killer is with multiple characters but it doesn't work. Maybe in the early 80s when this came out it did. I wouldn't know, I wasn't born then but I have watched enough movies to know when directors are trying to trick the audience.
The biggest issue with this movie is how it is a bit of a mess structurally. The main character comes into the movie for the first act, disappears largely for the second act then comes back for the third act. Not to mention the third act is very sloppy. Very forgettable movie.
Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)
One of the most pointless movies I have ever seen
Wow, this movie felt completely pointless. The movie is about survivors of a mass disappearance trying to survive. That is about it, nothing more complicated to the plot line. The movie does however try to make you stick around wondering why, how and what is behind this. Well I'll save you the trouble and say none of this gets answered at all.
This is also a movie where half way through I thought to myself what do these characters plan to accomplish? There is literally no hope to be had in the characters overcoming their plight. Therefore I concluded there was absolutely no reason to care what happens to them.
Movie is a bore, plot is thin, completely pointless movie with no satisfaction to be had. Avoid this.
Chappie (2015)
A total disappointment
Let us go back to when the trailer came out for this movie. I was very excited for this film, it looked like it could be a great action drama. Well I watched it and I was very disappointed to say the least.
The biggest issue is the horrendous idea to have the Die Antwoord duo as main characters in the movie. These two are absolutely god awful in their acting and in fact are just being their trashy selves on screen. For me they were Jar Jar Binks levels of annoying.
The other issue is the plot. People are right with "Short Circuit" meets "RoboCop". However, most of the movie is the title character, Chappie, learning from the Die Antwoord on how to be a cringe gangster. The movie's plot is honestly childish but has blood and curse words so it is rated R.
Without getting into spoilers the way this movie treats AI is idiotic. This was another issue with the movie that made me really dislike it.
The only real positive I can say is the VFX are very good.
Scream VI (2023)
Scream has become a parody of itself
I liked, didn't love, Scream V. I found it was a decent nod to the franchise not being made by Wes Craven. This one however is poop. One of the biggest issues that plagues this movie is the amount of pathos shoved into it. None of the other movies have this much whining, crying and moping about from its characters. That is not what these movies are here for.
Additionally, the characters in this movie are just plain annoying. I was wanting all of them to be killed off. This includes older characters from past movies.
This is legit the dumbest and most uninspired one yet. It is time for this franchise to just end.
Zeros and Ones (2021)
A sight to behold
I saw that this had very poor ratings so I just had to watch it. Well the people are definitely right on this one. Watching this mess of a movie left me wondering how in the hell did this get made. An experienced director and experienced leading actor made a complete stinker. This movie is not funny bad, it is boring bad which is the absolute worst thing to be.
Ferrara filmed this movie in hideous fashion. It is a series of poorly lit, out of focus and shaky cam featuring Ethan Hawke as a soldier who talks with a gravely voice and enjoying long bouts of silence. I kid you not half way into the movie and I barely had a clue what the actual plot of this dribble was.
Maybe covid is partly to blame for this mess? The movie is filled with people wearing masks and using hand sanitizer to make sure you know there is a pandemic.
It is bad but I almost want to encourage people to watch this because it truly is surreal how this could have been made unironically.
The Final Wish (2018)
Contrived Junk
This movie is pretty much your run of the mill modern horror movie that hits all the beats in the laziest possible fashion. I didn't go in expecting anything worth while and well I was still disappointed with what a dud this movie was. Tropes here, tropes there, tropes everywhere!
The movie is about a fresh graduate lawyer who is struggling to find work and has no money while living in Chicago. His father dies pulling him back to his small hometown. There he comes into possession of an ancient urn. Thus the plot revolves around this urn and the misfortune it brings.
Anyone who has watched a few modern horror movies this movie will be predictable as it gets. The main character is unlikable, all the other characters are unlikable. Melissa Bolona aka discount Megan Fox is absolutely atrocious in this movie with her acting. Like she is so bad I was shocked how she was cast despite the movie being poop. Everyone else is serviceable.
The ending is lame too. Avoid this turd.
House of 9 (2005)
Well they tried I suppose
This is a movie about 9 strangers getting kidnapped by an unknown organization then locked in a house where they can't escape. Only one person is allowed to leave and thus begins the madness of people trying to survive and wanting to get out.
As many others have mentioned this film does remind me of the Cube, except less interesting. It also reminds me of the game series Danganronpa, though this came before Danganronpa. Danganronpa feels like a more fleshed out idea of this.
Unfortunately this movie is plagued by obnoxious characters that I just all wanted to die. The acting is meh the worst being Kelly Brook who plays the main character Lea. Brook despite being the main character has very little dialogue compared to other characters. Most of the movie you see her just whining and cowering as stuff happens. It really felt like they limited her dialogue because she was so weak compared to everyone else. Probably cast because of her looks.
The movie tries to have emotional weight at times but doesn't earn it because the movie feels like cheap schlock. Didn't much care for this one. Dennis Hopper is in this one and does a funny attempt at an Irish accent so there is that.
Smile (2022)
Am I missing something here?
Yet another crap horror movie that somehow made a lot of money. This is one of those movies I watched which I spent more time laughing at rather than being creeped out by. This movie is hilariously awful and idiotic.
Firstly, let me start by saying the lead character Rose Cotter played by Sosie Bacon, is extremely annoying to watch. She is a whiny and pathetic wreck of a character than I wanted to just get killed off rather than overcome her challenges. Most of the actors in this movie are laughable in their performances.
Next, one thing I absolutely despise in movies is characters that are experiencing not being able to tell reality from dreams or hallucinations. This movie is filled with that which makes it even more annoying to watch.
Lastly, the premise of this hilariously awful movie feels like someone saw those stupid smile filters and thought to make a movie because of that. The deaths and gore in this movie comes across as absolutely laughable.
The only positive from this movie is that it looks decent with the lighting and color palette.
While it is laughable it isn't a great so bad its good movie so skip this crap.
Open Graves (2009)
Open the trash and throw this movie in it
This movie is bad. To sum it up in the simplest of terms this movie is a crappy Final Destination rip off. The basic premise is two surfer bros are on vacation in Spain. One of them played by Mike Vogel finds some crappy souvenirs shop and is given an old board game for free called Mamba. So Vogel, his surfer bro, three chicks and two other buffoons play the game.
Turns out this game Mamba is actually cursed and people who play it will die. Thus the plot of the movie plays out in a similar fashion to Final Destination where an unseen force kills off characters. Only unlike Final Destination the kills are predictable and boring. In fact this whole movie is predictable. The only amusement that one might get from this movie is the laughably bad cgi. Also most of the actors in this movie are bad outside of Vogel, Dushku and Rains who are fine.
Don't waste your time.
M3GAN (2022)
Stupid movie made for stupid people
We have the classic storyline of an AI going rogue and killing people. Like good old terminator except this time with a child's doll.
The movie's protagonist is Gemma a toy designer that is specialized in robotics. She originally is tasked with making a new Furby knock off but has been working on Megan, a child size doll with advanced AI. This doll she makes becomes best buds with her niece whom recently lost her parents in a car crash.
I am going to be real honest, this movie pissed me off much like the Child's Play remake did. A toymaker engineers a toy with specs allowing for physical strength greater than that of an average adult. That makes ABSOLUTELY NO EFFING SENSE. Sorry but I just couldn't get over that while watching this movie. Not to mention how a small team of 3 made very sophisticated AI and then shoved it into a child's toy.
I just can't with this movie. Acting is fine outside the Asian boss character who is laughably bad. Boring, stupid movie.
Glass Onion (2022)
The Netflix factor
I love the whodunit stuff. I quite enjoyed the first Knives Out. Rian Johnson actually did something good to follow up his disaster Star Wars movie. This movie however is a step down from the first film. It feels cheap and extra corny.
In the first film Daniel Craig's character is the really eccentric one while the rest of the cast are a bit kooky but reasonable as they were all money hungry jerks. This movie is filled with a bunch of eccentric characters making Craig's character feel like an after thought.
Also the movie just feels like a streaming movie. The original released in theaters and had that wonderful cinematic feel. Nicely shot. This just feels cheap.
This wasn't horrible but a big resounding "meh." Not something I would care to watch again. Netflix is largely filled with garbage these days. However even back in the golden age of the platform 90% of their movies were bad and that has carried through to the present.
Samaritan (2022)
Alright movie
Another superhero movie for the pile. No it is not another Marvel corporate joke fest but still nothing amazing. The movie revolves around a little boy, Sam, who is a fanboy of Samaritan, a superhero that used to exist. It is thought he died in a battle with his evil brother, Nemesis, who also had powers. Sam believes Samaritan is still alive and spends much of his free time trying to find him.
The antagonist of the film is Cyrus a gang leader and fanboy of Nemesis. His character looks and has plans oddly similar to Bane in the Dark Knight Rises movie.
The movie is alright. The boy who plays Sam does a good job and Stallone is good too. Everyone else fine. There is a twist in the movie that anyone who has watched enough movies will figure out very early on. The biggest issues is the uneven pacing through out and the third act. The third act of this film feels like a rushed mess.
Nothing pissed me off about this movie but it is a whatever movie.
The Presidio (1988)
A bit different than expected
The main plot of this movie is a detective (Mark Harmon) working with his old military police commanding officer (Sean Connery) to figure out why another mp was murdered on the Presidio military base.
Well this is a heavily character driven film. So much so that the main plot line feels secondary. There is absolutely zero tension created between the protagonists and the and the antagonist. In fact the antagonist is only in the beginning and the end of the movie. Much of the film is focused on the uneasy relationship between Harmon and Connery; romance between Harmon and Connery's daughter (Meg Ryan); father/daughter issues between Connery and Ryan; the military relationship between Connery and his retired military buddy (Jack Warden). So if you're expecting some crazy action thriller this is not that. It is all about character relationships with a crime plot in the background.
The Terminal List (2022)
Revenge plot with head trauma
The plot of this series is the classic highly trained military guy's family is killed so he now has nothing to lose and goes on a revenge tour. Then you add in him having mental health issues from certain things. Not an original story but well done series, very similar story to Netflix's Punisher season one but better. Chris Pratt does well here along with the rest of the cast. Show starts slow with the first two episodes but gets rolling.
Jurassic World Dominion (2022)
This franchise jumped the shark
Watch this movie and watch the original classic Jurassic Park. The contrast is staggering on how stupid and Hollywood these movies have become. It feels like they are trying to capture the same stupidity of the Fast & the Furious franchise's latest entries. The movie has high production value and decent acting but like many Hollywood turds the script is just unbelievably stupid. I absolutely hated Fallen Kingdom for that very reason and this movie is no different. Watch the movie to see how stupid it is for yourself if you don't believe me.
Grabbers (2012)
Discount Edgar Wright film
Maybe it is just because it is British humor but this movie feels like a discount version of one of the Edgar Wright films featuring Simon Peg. It is an okay movie with a few funny bits but not a movie I would want to willingly watch again.
W lesie dzis nie zasnie nikt (2020)
Best part is the music
This movie is decently shot and acted. The editing is somewhat annoying with the hanging and dragged out moments, you will understand if you watch the movie. The biggest issue however is the script. This movie is filled with stupidity and convenience like no other. Slasher flicks are never really genius pieces of writing but this movie is very bad in that regard so much so I would never want to watch it again. The gore hounds might like this as it does have some decent gore but meh.
My favorite part of this movie was the score which is pleasant.
Morbius (2022)
The memes tell it all
This movie feels like an early 2000s superhero movie. I am talking Catwoman, Daredevil, Elektra, etc. The movie is simply bad and not funny bad either, it is boring bad. If you watch the trailers and the movie you will notice things in the trailers were not in the movie. Sony clearly changed aspects of the film for the final cut. This leads to one of the biggest issues in the movie.
The scene to scene editing is terrible. This movie feels like there are parts missing between scene transitions. It is a simple movie to follow but it feels very disjointed. Then you have the piss poor writing where things just happen to the benefit of the characters making a series of coincidences that feel absurd.
There are some after credits scenes that show Sony is just trying to milk this Marvel stuff for all its worth. An ending scene that makes absolutely no sense based upon what happened in the movie.
Don't bother watching this is my advice.