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Pineapple Express (2008)
A Movie for Morons
Oh wow! A movie for Druggies. Not quite, Morons will probably get a kick out of it. But you would need to have no brain, to laugh at this piece of garbage. The acting makes one long for Plan 9 from outer space. I have seen better movies starring Hulk Hogan and Paris Hilton. That's how bad this is. Critics like to jump on the bandwagon and claim oh it's great to try to look hip. When really they are well past there sell by date and so is this movie.
There are far better movies in theatres, avoid this movie like the plague.
1 out of 10, but truly it deserves a minus.
Doom (2005)
Or Resident Evil The Remake
Well i have played various versions of the game and none of them seem to resemble anything that appears in this movie. Well apart from a scene shot in the first person. In fact this appears to be a clone of the first Resident Evil movie. Except nowhere near as good. The movie is mostly in the dark, so why it needed a $70 million budget is beyond me. The Rock is fine as the SGT. And Rosamund Pike is an appealing scientist. But Karl Urban lacks any kind of charisma, to be effective in the main role. Maybe thats due to The Rock being just about the most charismatic action star around.
However the movie is full of zombies disposed of in the usual way. So the movie is full of clichés and has no identity of it's own. Maybe it would be better to make original films, instead of from computer games. Doom was never anything more than a shoot em up in hell. Hell does not appear, which is very strange. Even the creatures are poor. This lacklustre movie gets a 3 out of 10 A Total Waste of Money and Time
Superman Returns (2006)
Dullsville
Surely at a estimated cost of $270 million, there should be more action. The action when it arrives is a lot less exciting than what was on display in Superman II. Yes the sets are huge, but huge offices, how boring. They should of done a reboot, this is supposed to be a sequel to Superman II. Set five years later, yet the Clark and Lois look younger. Superman looks like a boy and Lois looks like she should be in High School. Kevin Spacey is good as Lex Luthor, but he's given little to do. His plan to make money, is pathetic. Superman is hardly in this movie, and when he does appear he mainly broods over Lois or takes her for a flight. The script steals lines from previous Superman movies. I just cannot believe a movie with so little action can cost so much. Xmen 3 was a far better movie. Even Fantastic Four was far better than this travesty. If there is a sequel, i feel a change of director is required. If Warner wanted a romantic drama, why did it cost so much to make.
Imagine the most boring bits of Spiderman and Spiderman 2 put together and squeezed out for 2 hours, played by two bland actors.
Even Superman III and IV had more fun that this. Supergirl had more action.
Kids will hate this bore, and so will adults. 2 out of 10.
Il ritmo del silenzio (1991)
Two Hot Babes One Scorcher of a Movie
Traci Lords (Cry Baby plus various adult movies) and Denise Crosby (Star Trek TNG) star in this highly sexually charged thriller. This is a tale of innocent people being caught up in a gang war between two rival mafia families.
Crosby wins on the acting front, and in the hottie department. She gets the majority of the highly charged erotic scenes. Though Lords certainly gives her a run for her money in the hot babe stakes.
It's a great sexy thriller that contains plenty of action, So all in all a perfect movie for the boys. The girlfriend didn't like it, so i watched it again without her 10 out of 10
Snapdragon (1993)
Steam up your Glasses, Pammies Best Movie
To be honest i was not expecting much from this movie.
However, This is a first rate adult thriller, that makes Basic Instinct look tame in comparison. Pamela Anderson has never looked as hot as this. OK so her acting is a bit poor. Well it was her first movie.
But who cares when you can feast your eyes on such a beautiful actress in all her glory. She features in many nude scenes during the running time, it truly steamed up my glasses. The storyline is first rate and the supporting cast are excellent. Chelsea Field and Steven Bauer work up the tension to a memorable climax. A Fantastic Erotic Thriller. 10 out of 10
Alien Autopsy (2006)
Turkey Autopsy
There have been many movies made by TV Stars wanting to become Movie Stars. But none have truly failed quite as badly as this movie. The stars of the film fail miserably. While there acting style may of been OK for children's TV, on the big screen there lack of acting talent shows when playing up against true character actors like Bill Pullman and Harry Dean Stanton. In fact Stanton and Pullman are really slumming to be in this shameful Turkey. Ant & Dec host a show called I'm a celebrity get me out of here. Well this could be called I'm a Cinemagoer, get me out of here! Or I'd sooner be in the jungle than watching the worst movie of 2006. Don't Waste Your Money, wait for it to appear on ITV. Then you can change the channel. 1 Out Of 10 but only because i cannot give it a zero.
Green Street (2005)
Rubbish
This is an awful movie, that should never of been made. None of the character's feel real. The acting is very poor, none sound like the average West Ham fan. Why did they have a German director, This comes across as blatant racism against the English football nation. Green Street failed miserably to reflect the multicultural Society that is truly a part of the real Green Steet. This is tabloid exploitation film-making at it's worst. They should not of set this in a real football club. This Rubbish just typecast's all English football fans as hooligans. Hopefully this movie will fail at the box office, both I.D and The Football Factory were miles better than this. Which proves just how terrible this is. 1 out of 10 but only because i couldn't give it zero.
Dracula (1979)
Good Bad and Dull
Possible Spoiler's. The good point's of this movie are Frank Langella, he make's a wonderful Dracula. Laurence Olivier make's Van Helsing real. Jan Francis is a Great Mina, her Vampire make up is great in the only scary scene. And John Williams has a fantastic score for the movie. The bad points, It's just a shame this big budget movie is so dull. And for a horror tale it's just not scary. Hammer did this so much better, while this plods along at a crawl. Trevor Eve and Kate Nelligan are so dull, you feel nothing towards there characters.
The ending suggest's a sequel, that of course never came. Which is just as well. Tame & Dull
Bride & Prejudice (2004)
Good movie
First off i want to say i did not expect to like the movie, even though i quite liked the trailer. This is basically a musical version of Pride and Prejudice. Most of the songs are in English though i doubt any would be a top 10 hit. The cast are mostly good, though the bland American and the awful villain who yet again is English spoil the movie to a point. I think these characters would of been better portrayed by the Asian community. It's bad enough when Hollywood keep bringing out the English bad guy. But a UK financed movie, surely the American could of been the bad guy for once, or were the investors worried about the lucrative U.S market. Although i liked the movie, i can not see this being a hit. Though that Asian guy with the glasses was funny, stealing every scene he was in. He reminded me of Peter Sellars. 6 out of 10
Man on Fire (2004)
Man On Slow Motion
Simply put it's just too long. Nearly two and a half hours for a movie that Bronson used to knock off in 90 minutes. OK so the acting is good, the script is better. But you know as soon as you hear music that's similar to Gladiator, what the outcome might be. The relationship with Creasy and Peta is excellent, the little girl is a fine actress. But it's when things turn nasty. There's little action and we have seen this all before in movies like Payback (fingers instead of toes) Eye of the tiger (explosives where the sun does not shine). The jerky camera annoys rather than entertains. And there's a lack of humour, which makes things grim and to be honest rather dull. Hard to believe that the director of Last boy scout and True romance could deliver this overblown thriller thats far too long. Saying that i thinks it's a 6 out of 10 thanks to a great cast.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
Better than the first
I liked the first movie, it was good average entertainment. I think this one is slightly better than the first, mainly because this one is scarier. I admit i preferred the zombies in the Dawn of the dead remake but thats because they were fast. The script is no great shakes, the cast are OK. Though the bad guy seemed like he was doing a poor man's Schindler. The FX was fairly decent and the movie never becomes boring, it's too fast paced for that. Some of the sets were obviously based on the games. At least it made me jump out of my seat a few times. Needless to say a third one seems very likely but i like where there going with one scene reminding me of Brian De Palma's The Fury. 6 out of 10
The Punisher (2004)
Dolph was better
This was something i was really looking forward to. What a huge letdown. Thomas Jane acts like a guy who has just lost his sock, not his entire family. His new neighbors are the worst creation in history. Travolta is so weak as the bad guy, it's hard to believe his evil empire. The movie has plenty of action, though none of it is actually exciting. The best performance comes from WWE Wrestler Kevin Nash as a Russian and he does not say a word. That fight scene is the best thing in the whole movie. The script is bad, the characters are mostly boring. I have to admit Dolph Lundgren was far better in the 1989 version he looked seriously messed up, And the villain was far better as well. See the 1989 version, it ain't perfect but it's better than this turkey.
Open Water (2003)
Awful
This was billed as scarier than Jaws. But i would have to say Jaws the revenge is scarier than this turkey. The couple are not in the least bit likable which makes it hard to care what happens. They are just rich yuppie types of on an adventure. The acting is poor and borders on the ridiculous. The script is hardly exciting and when the sharks do finally appear, they have zero impact. The female star looked nice in the nude she would be great in Basic Instinct 2. For such a short movie this feels twice it's running time. A special mention to the boats captain who gives easily the worst performance i have ever seen. Truly Diabolical
Saw (2004)
The scariest movie i have ever seen
I have seen many horror movies in the cinema over the last twenty years. This is without doubt the scariest i have ever seen. This movie is so sick and twisted it makes Se7en look like a Disney movie. The cast are all fantastic. The twists and turns keep you on the edge of your seat. The serial killer in this makes Hannibal Lecter seem as scary as Dora The Explorer. It;s been a long time since anyone called a horror movie a instant classic. But this is truly a classic. This is one horror movie that is not mindless blood and guts, this is clever blood and guts. People called Open Water scary it wasn't. This will cause nightmares, If you like Horror prepare to see the best. 10 out of 10.
Judge Dredd (1995)
More Fun Than Xmen 2 or Spiderman 2
This movie is far more fun than the boring Xmen 2 or Spiderman 2. Why simply because it does not have a hero constantly whining about being a super hero. The whole point of a super hero is he is super. I don't need a action movie to have less action and more character study. Action movies should entertain not bore the pants off people. I want my heroes to be like heroes, not ones that could do with a slap. This is fast paced and one of the best action movies of 1995, just compare it to Waterworld, Batman Forever and Die Hard with a vengeance. This is superior to those movies yet flopped. If Schwarzenegger had been in this it would of done well, but Stallone movies never got a fair review. The Special FX are superior to the awful Playstation 2 cgi rubbish we get now. It's a real shame there wont be a sequel.
10 out of 10.
Catwoman (2004)
Expensive Bore
How can a movie costing $100 million be so boring. This play like a million romantic comedies that cost 10 times less to make. When the action does come, it plays like a poor man's PS2 game. Only Sharon Stone gives a decent performance. When i go to see a Hollywood blockbuster i don't expect to see a movie that comes off as a poor clone of My big fat Greek wedding and Bridget Jones Diary and some CGI that looks like a afterthought. Also too much of the outside is obviously a studio set. When you think Judge Dredd and Supergirl got blasted by the critics and public, after seeing this Turkey. They may need to take a second look at some underrated comic strip movies. 1 out of 10, but it deserves ZERO.
The Wild Geese (1978)
A True Classic
I have seen this movie many times and it always entertains. This is a brilliant action movie, where every character gets a chance to shine. Three British movie stars in one film must be a record. Roger Moore is superb as the wisecracking mercenary, and shows a darker side that only briefly appeared in For Your Eyes Only. This is easily his best ever performance. Burton and Harris make a great team, Krueger was good too. Plus loads of excellent British Character actors, the plot is excellent. The script is super and the action truly breathtaking, it's far more real than the CGI rubbish we see nowadays. I'm truly shocked no Hollywood major has not tried to remake this. As it's a more modern Dirty Dozen with ex army instead of prisoners. Even the song and credits are great. 10 out of 10
Love Thy Neighbour (1973)
Great comedy
This is a great comedy, highlighting what it was like to live next door to racist bigot. But also shows that both main characters are actually as bad as each other. Based on the hit ITV comedy, this is very politically incorrect. And its all the better for it, comedy after all is to entertain. The movies only real drawback is there isnt much of a plot. However the cast are as great as usual. Jack Smethurst and Rudolph Walker make one hell of a team, playing off each other in a oneupmanship kind of way.It's been many years since i saw this movie and last week was finally able to buy it on dvd. The fact that the movie still contains genuine laugh out loud moments, means that i can recommend this movie, just like i would of back in the 1970's.
48 Hrs. (1982)
Great Movie
This is a great buddy buddy movie. Eddie Murphy is a real movie star in his first movie. He is a million miles away from the family oriented movies he makes now. Which is a shame because his early performances had a down to earth quality that changed when he became a superstar. The movie is fast paced and has a great score. Nick Nolte is also terrific in this and the movie is miles better than the awful summer blockbusters i have sat through recently. I wish Murphy would come back to this type of movie. A great action movie with enough genuine laughs and great performances. This is one Buddy Buddy picture that is as good today as it was 20 years ago.
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Boring and Dull
I just saw this at the cinema. Sure some of the FX was good but that was in the trailer. Too much is played in tv movie style "i'm going to get my son". So forget the millions he might of saved on the way. Loads of Places are destroyed, yet only America is seen getting destroyed. Yawn. The acting is ok and there are a few moments of humour, this to me was Twister meets Deep Impact meets The Poseidon Adventure meets Godzilla and the last 10 minutes of On Deadly Ground where Steven Seagal gave a lecture on global warming, only this lecture lasts half of the movie. I do not go to a summer blockbuster for a lecture, or to have better movies ripped off. Disaster movies need all star cast's with suspense and characters in real peril. The young guy Jake seemed too interested in being a moody Peter Parker. Dennis Quaid is just a poor man's Harrison Ford. This is so boring and dull that i suspect the big opening it will no doubt receive, will then be blasted away by the other summer blockbusters.
Van Helsing (2004)
Oh Dear
What was easily one of my most eagerly awaited films to see at the cinema, this poor excuse for a blockbuster came as a huge disapointment. It's all CGI nonsense with no thrill at all. Jackman is ok but Van Helsing has little to do except point gadgets in the right direction, so comes across as a poor man's Batman. Kate Beckinsale is good in a thankless role. CGI Monsters are pathetic Mr Hyde is a cross between a giant leprechaun and that fat character from Austin Powers. As for Dracula he sounded like Steve Coogans Tony Ferrino character, i would go on record as saying this is the worst Dracula i have ever seen, a pathetic performance. The Werewolf and Frankensteins monster are given nothing to do after a bright beginning that could of done with being in colour. I Loved Deep Rising, I loved The Mummy. I did'nt enjoy The Mummy Returns and this is actually worse. And for it's big budget, it was only a 1.85 ratio movie. Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein had a better plot decent laughs and more scares, watch that instead. If you must watch this wait for the dvd. Hopefully the directors commentary will feature him saying sorry for this mess. 4 out of 10,boy am i generous.
Shoreditch (2003)
Great British Movie
Ignore the Critics, they think all British movies should star Hugh Grant. This is a great little film. Shane Ritchie is excellent in this movie. It made for a refreshing change for a movie that has something different to all the recent blockbuster bores. It's a shame the movie is not being shown in all cinemas.
X2 (2003)
DULL
After a good opening sequence,the movie follows the route of a big budget remake of the first. Only i found this less than exciting infact i found it boring. A film should never cost this much and be dull. But i have to say the movie is tedious. The dam scenes look poor compared to ones in Force Ten From Naverone. The action is lukewarm at best. Patrick Stewart might as well be playing Picard,spot the difference. Only Hugh Jackman and Alan Cummings deserve any credit. All talk and no action. One Boring Movie.
Johnny English (2003)
Brilliant 10 out of 10
Probably the Funniest British comedy since A Fish Called Wanda. Americans should love this,it makes fun of James Bond and the French. I have not seen a comedy as laugh out loud as this for quite awhile. Rowan Atkinson is Superb as the inept spy. The Action Scenes are better than Die Another Day,More realistic too. John Malkovich makes a better Villain than most of the recent Bond movies have produced. This is Better than Goldmember and Die Another Day. A Great Family Comedy. 10 out of 10.
Die Another Day (2002)
The Worst of Brosnan
First off i will mention the best things in Die Another Day, John Cleese makes a suitable replacement as Q. And Rosamund Pike was a real pleasure to watch. Now the bad a villain thats pathetic,he does basically nothing evil in the whole film. Toby Stephens is the weakest bond villain ever,and giving him a suit that would be better use in a X-men is just silly. It's the most Expensive Bond Ever,yet it contains lousy stunts,and the worst special effects i have ever seen. my playstation games had better CGI than this. I have been a Bond fan for many years and i own them all on DVD. This movie is slow,the action is poor,the script is bad. But the acting is awful Brosnan sleepwalks in this movie. Halle Berry was a waste of money,they should of got a top villain with her fee instead of the bargain basement rubbish on display here. I would say this is the worst Bond movie since Thunderball. This is the most cheaply looking Bond Ever,With the Worst Bond Song Ever. The Theme music is useless it does nothing to help increase the excitement levels. And a rotten performance from Madonna her song is the pits and so is her acting. People slated Denise Richards but she was a lot better than Berry,how can u go from Oscar winner to give a stinker like she does here. The sets are too Batman & Robin. The Bond in this movie is not what Connery,Moore,Dalton or even Lazenby played. This is The Phantom Menace of Bond movies only without the decent special effects. I swear i was watching a very bad comic strip movie. Even Moonraker and The Spy Who Loved Me had great set,superb stunts and scenes that were set in the real world. This feels too studio bound and completely lacks the style the Bond Movies need. And now it's been a huge hit,things will get only worse. Message to Bond Producers Spend Money on the Action Scenes and get a decent A list star to play The Villain. And dont pay a fortune for a Oscar Winner to play the leading lady,You do not need a Oscar to Shout Help. Brosnan is so different from the previous Bond outings,the jokes are poor. Everything is just so fake. Theres far too much CGI,and everything looks so unreal. JOHNNY ENGLISH LOOKS MORE REAL THAN THIS. THIS IS ONE UNHAPPY BOND FAN.