paolobut19

Everyone knows about this film, so I won't bore with you another bog-standard review. Instead I feel it is time that the true high point of this movie was discussed to the extent that it deserves - Santanicooooo Paaandemoniuuuum!!!

Although a mere 5 minutes long, Salma Hayek achieves complete Goddess status with a scene that will be forever etched into my memory. The outfit, the little shimmies from side to side, even the snake all pile up to compliment the indescribable gorgeousness of our Salma to produce cinematic perfection. Just to cap things off, the anthemic "After Dark" by Tito and Tarantula is spine-tingling rock perfection.

The only problem is that the scene is so good that its actually worn that part of the film out on my video. Just have to get the DVD I suppose...

With Resident Evil 2 being just about the best game ever, and the first resident evil being just about average, i thought that maybe, just maybe, this film might have provided some entertainment. Unfortunately, all it managed to do was shatter all of my wonderful memories of the classic playstation experience. So I'll keep this brief as it is just too painful.

The direction of this film can be explained in no other way than just plain irritating. Aimed at people with an attention span of roughly less than a second, the film never manages to stick with one shot long enough for you to actually take in anything, and the fight scenes are so jerkily shot that you have to simply take an educated guess that its the zombies who are getting beaten up. Awful dialogue is combined cleverly with worse acting to achieve a spectacularly terrible spectacle. To cap things off, Jill Valentine (an absolute legend from the games) is pathetically underwritten almost to the point of obscurity. Seeing her in that famous little blue top partially compensated though.

Maybe not up (or down) to the horrific computer game-to-movie standards set by Mortal Kombat, but Resident Evil:Apocalypse still managed to annoy, bore and upset me in equal measures. 3/10.

After four Rockys of generally decreasing quality, Rocky V managed to halt the gradual decline - by plummeting at a tremendous rate into the depths of horrendous film-making. Vanished is Sly Stallone's original, somewhat dim yet lovable Southpaw, and instead he is replaced with a philosophising loser who allows his son to walk around with some ridiculous girly piece of jewellery hanging from his ear. The Rocky we know and love would never have stood for it. That boy would have been out the door before you could say "ain't gonna be no rematch".

They really lost the plot with this fifth installment. And by them I mean everyone involved with the film. In comparison to its epic predecessors, this is just a complete waste of everyones time.

The horrific thing about this film is that I could forget how bad it is quite quickly if it were not for that one, immortal, headache-inducing line during the climactic final battle.

Rocky Balboa Jr - "Get him Dad, he took my room!"

Just writing it is enough to make me weep. Which is why this review is now finished.