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MWilley
Reviews
Dracula 3000 (2004)
One of the worst movies I've ever seen...
...and that's saying something. The plot is mind-bogglingly stupid, the dialog sounds like it was made up on the spot, and I have to conclude that the production ran out of money before they were done filming. Notable scenes are missing: things like the climactic fight between the hero and the villain, and the ending. They even ran out of music before they ran out of credits. It's as though somebody played a session of "It Came From The Late Late Late Show" and filmed the result.
If this is a parody of B movies, it's brilliant! But I think they were serious. The only redeeming features are the performances of Tiny Lister and Coolio, who did give me a few laughs.
Hulk (2003)
Don't expect a typical action movie
(Minor Spoilers Ahead)
*****
I liked this movie, but it is far from what I expected walking into the theater. The best scene in the film is not one of the CGI action-fest scenes full of tanks and explosions, but the start of Act III - a simple backdrop on a empty, darkened stage with just a single spotlight on each actor, where father and son scream out their pent up Oedipal rage to each other and the heavens. If that's not the movie you're looking for, don't go.
The Shield (2002)
Disturbing and Compelling
The most shocking, emotionally twisting, and compelling police drama I've ever seen. Centers around the trials and tribulations of Detective Vic Mackey, a brutal and corrupt but effective cop played with incredible intensity by Michael Chiklis. Mackey is not a good man, and is presented honestly with all his virtues and flaws intact, but I still care about what happens to this man week after week.
I like the tense relationship between Mackey, Det. Claudette Wyrms and Captain Aceveda. There's a change of roles going on, where in the first season Aceveda was Mackey's chief opponent while Claudette stood up for him, evolving now into a political alliance between Mackey and Aceveda with Claudette on the outside. Aceveda has abandoned his role as the moral champion, and now probes the depths of his own corruption in exchange for political advancement. Now Claudette, watching as Mackey and the Captain descend into darkness together, seems to be stepping into the role of the 'good cop'. But no character on this show is completely good.
Disturbing? Yes. But it wouldn't be so disturbing if it wasn't well written.
The Alien Dead (1980)
Boring and Slow
A tedious, snail-paced film. No action, little plot, and a horde of camera-mugging zombie extras in awful makeup. The audio track is fuzzy enough that the actors could be quoting Shakespeare and we'd never know it. To be fair, one of the guys I watched this with did have a positive review: "The framing is OK, and there haven't been any boom mikes or lighting guys in the shot. Yet."
Ultra Warrior (1990)
The Ultimate Franken-Movie?
Definitely in contention for first place for "Most Unashamed Use of Stock Footage in a Motion Picture", along with Jackie Chan's "Master of Cracked Fingers". We see unconnected scenes from a dozen Roger Corman epics thrown together willy-nilly - including shots of George Peppard from "Battle Beyond the Stars" and even a repeat of what must be the most re-used scene in stock footage history: David Carradine's "Fight with Mutants at the Well" from "Warrior and the Sorceress", "Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2", et. al. Maybe five minutes worth of original footage in the whole movie.
Skullduggery (1983)
A movie so bad...
That I'm inspired to go back and *raise* my votes for other stinkers just to give my vote of 1 a little more oomph. The main character wanders around killing people, but nobody in town seems to notice or care. You won't, either. The killings have some connection with an ancient curse and/or the "Dungeons & Dragons"-like game he plays. At least, that's what the blurb on the back of the box claims - I suspected we were cutting away to scenes from another movie at random.
Starship Troopers (1997)
Just awful.
Robert A. Heinlein is spinning in his grave.
Quite possibly one of the worst movies ever made. The writers took a Hugo winning novel and turned it into an insipid, inconsistent and incoherent pile of drek. The actors were cardboard, the cast looked like rejects from 90210, and the special effects looked like a joint effort from Dave Cronenberg and Nickelodian.
The best that can be said for the movie is that it was an *intentional* parody of the novel and the concepts of patriotism, courage and valor. I'm not surprised to hear that Ginny Heinlein sued to have her husband's name removed from the title and credits. A film that leaves a film - well deserving of the MST treatment.
Kull the Conqueror (1997)
Cheese, cheese and more cheese
If you're a fan of the original stories, you will not enjoy this movie. If you're looking for something to make fun of on a dull night, this one's for you!
Kevin Sorbo plays Hercules, only they keep calling him Kull. The sets, extras and special effects are leftovers from Hercules & Xena. Everybody wears a curtain. There's a plot in there somewhere, but you'll forget it before the tape rewinds. Did I mention everybody is wearing curtains?
Ercole al centro della Terra (1961)
Beyond awful
My wife saw this one in the video store labeled as "Hercules in the Lost World", and figured right away it was worth making fun of. We were never disappointed. Many of the backgrounds are obviously cardboard. So are the actors. The redubbing is horrible, and the translations make no sense. The quality of the film is awful, too, and often you can't even see what's going on. It's hard, often impossible, to keep track of what's going on, but does it really matter? Rent it and make fun of it.