Secret Garden

I enjoyed this XXX version of SECRET GARDEN because I am enamored of British porn, but suspect that those less sympathetic to the cause of Blow Jobs from Blighty will take a pass. The concept is interesting, the girls enthusiastic, but creativity is wanting.

Cindy Behr dominates the video as Bluebell, a fairy in charge of the Garden who takes us viewers on a tour of her strange, fantasy world inhabited by mainly familiar fairy tale creatures plus a female version of Robin Hood (singing very poorly and forgetting her lyrics to the title song of that popular '50s TV series "The Adventures of Robin Hood" which is so ingrained some 60 years later that I remembered it far better than her rendition).

Though box lists a 140-minute running time it actually is a merciful 109 minutes plus music video starring Michelle Thorne at the end, warbling quite acceptably a ditty titled "I Can Hear the Grass Grow" as the film's cast dance around clothed - music video would get a PG, not an X.

Thorne and Starr play other fairies Bluebell encounters in the Garden, and they have an arousing three-way lesbian scene to get things rolling. Strangeness of the entire project is immediate, as the women speak in high-pitched little girl voices (to depict fairies), wear trashy outfits including wings that make them seem like Victoria's Secret Angels who moonlight as hookers, and the general mood is cutesy as if aimed at kids. It is certainly not meant for kids' consumption, as the category wall-to-wall sex applies.

Thorne also starred for this Bluebird Films' version of "Alice in Wonderland" so it is evident what is being attempted here, though I'll have to see the same anonymous (no credits) team's 3-volume adaptation of "Black Beauty" before deciding if it was worth the effort. Another oddity is that all the 8 actresses starring here are blondes, only one of them qualifying as "innocent" (read: jail- bait): Susie Best who is short, flat-chested and quite appealing dressed up as a Girl Guide, but soon equal to the sucking and humping assignments of the other 7 girls.

Film falters in a key area: costume/makeup effects, which if handled successfully would have made it a potential crossover to fantasy/horror audiences. Same mistake was made in Tom Byron's terrible CREATURE FEATURE, namely the big- dicked guys dressed up in beast costumes to provide a fantasy bestiality element are treated carelessly. The outfits, comprising a gorilla, satyr, wolf and sundry other hairy creatures, are poorly designed, and parts are removed willy-nilly to reveal the beast's willy during the humping action. Perhaps fear of being accused of too realistically depicting actual bestiality is the culprit, but I vote for sloppiness. Bluebell's frequent use of her magic wand to spread fairy dust and do magic is okay CGI action.

Key challenge for me was to match the actress to the role, as credits are always poor on these videos. I came up one short -there is no visual aid (name superimposed on scene) for the girl playing Robin Hood and singing so badly that anonymity is recommended, but I concluded after endless rewinding that she is Valerie Pearl, a pointy-nosed cutie who is identified as earlier playing the dissimilar role of Bumblebee. I leave it to a true connoisseur of big breasts to make a positive ID, as nearly all of the girls (Susie Best excluded from consideration) have the big breasts potentially matching those of Robin Hood.

Of the men, only recognizable one to me playing a satyr in black leather is Pascal White, here billed simply as Pascal. Savannah Gold is fetching as Red Riding Hood, who in this version has her tall red leather boots as dominant contrast rather than a hood. Film's appeal to fetishists is not played up (probably should have been to hit the right audience) though both Bluebell and Bumblebee are imprisoned in cages at times and forced to watch the others having sex. Forced sex is a theme, but in this context the forcing is nominal -the real pain coming from being left out of the XXX action like a wallflower.

Natala Faith as Maid Marion has the biggest breasts in the show, though Michelle Thorne takes second place. I enjoyed her singing on the catchy theme song and always like seeing Michelle in action. Most of the dialog is improvised, with Cindy as Bluebell quite engaging once you get used to the thick accents, and dirty talk assigned to the nominal villainess of the piece: Angel Long as black fairy Morwena.