- Mansion Guard: [on the phone] Talk to me. What's the situation? I'll hang on, yeah.
- Mansion Guard: What? You're kidding me... wait... are you sure? It's not prostate cancer?
- [laughs]
- Mansion Guard: I could kiss you I mean that's great news, oh man. You made my day.
- Mansion Guard: Yeah thanks doc, yeah. Woo man I thought I was a goner. Yeah. Uh doc, I gotta run, duty calls. And thank you so much, you have a nice day too. Yeah, bye.
- Mansion Guard: Woo man, no one can piss on this day.
- Agent 47: For years, Diana was my sole handler at the Agency. She supplied information and secrecy, and I sold perfection. We had trust. Then last August 10, Diana brought the Agency to its knees. She flushed all accounts, cut off all communication lines, exposed the Agency and used the confusion to vanish. Now the reformed Agency has finally tracked her down. And offered me the contract. One day, I will think of this as just another job. After all, this is what I do.
- Benjamin Travis: Alright... just tell me... did you kill her... Diana? Is she really dead?
- Agent 47: [Before pulling the trigger] You will never know.
- [from trailer]
- Diana: A man will come and take you away. This man is different, he will protect you. Please don't judge him for what he might have to do. Some day, you will understand.
- Bar Biker: Hey, boy. Something I can help you with?
- Kane: Just waiting for my associate. He's back in town buying equipment.
- Bar Biker: Is that so? Well, what kind of equipment would that be?
- Kane: Just equipment. Business equipment.
- Bar Biker: I see, big businessman. Well, you just watch yourself now 'cause we don't care much for strangers out here.
- Kane: I'm not looking for trouble.
- Mansion Guard: Come on, you can tell me. My lips are sealed.
- Mansion Chef: This recipe is a trade secret... handed down from master to apprentice for centuries. I will take the secret ingredient with me to the grave.
- Mansion Guard: Uh huh. Is it salt?
- Mansion Chef: No... no! What do you take me for? Salt? Please! I am one of the finest chefs in this culinary wasteland you call a nation! You put liquid butter on your popcorn and you have the nerve to make assumptions about my award winning recipes. Salt! Shame you sir. Shame! Now go on get out of here!
- [Shushes him away]
- Mansion Guard: Alright, alright relax. I was only asking. Christ, don't have a heart attack.
- Mansion Chef: Out I say! Go guard a gate or shoot at some beer cans you big ape! Sacrebleu.
- Hotel Guest: [to 47] Thanks. Getting too close thank you, but I'm not interested. Dude, cut it out or I'll get someone, okay? Seriously I will. Dude, if you don't stop that, I'm gonna call the cops, ok? You are invading my personal space, sir.
- Terminus Maid: [47 invades her space] You wanna stop that? In a perfect world, you get electrocuted for behaving that way. I am in no mood for whatever it is you're doing.
- James Seth Lynch: [shooting up lawn gnomes next to the range] Stop staring at me, you twisted little fairy! Goddamn little fairies. Imps. Trolls.
- Gun Shop Worker: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Listen to me. What did I tell you about my gnomes? You just stop it, okay? Or I'll kick your crazy ass outta here! And I'll do it! You just watch.
- James Seth Lynch: I'd like to see you fucking try. Fucking midgets ain't what you think! Staring at me... rolling around those little eye sockets. What am I gonna... Twinkly little eyes... fuckin'...
- Gun Shop Worker: Well, if you don't like the gnomes, you can take your business elsewhere. Now I am serious. You just keep shooting my gnomes and we got troubles, you and I. You understand?
- James Seth Lynch: Yeah, yeah... whatever, you fucking asshole. Fucking gnome fucker. Fucking troll fucker. You... ah, you fucker.