Paul Chaplin at the helm of one of his nutty Bluebird projects is always a warning sign, but no matter - I plunged into this latest XXX schizoid adaptation of Lewis Carroll, with a teenie bit of Philip Barry tossed in for no good reason, with high hopes of another Bluebird flight into madness, perhaps as sublime as "Honeymoon" or "Secret Garden". Result is not in the league of those scatterbrained classics but still crazy fun.
DVD box (and IMDb until my correction gets processed) lists a running time of 140 minutes, typical of the overlong approach of this porn label. Yet the actual DVD runs just 98 - evidence of a common but irritating mistake whereby some schmo converted hours into minutes for display and instead of using 60 as the base used 100, then rounded.
Stacey Saran, who was delightful in a similarly goof-ball Bluebird titled "Who Stole Roger Rabbit" (about her favorite toy dildo), stars as Carroll's Alice, sort of. She's down in the dumps with her plush toy rabbit (which scurries away not-so-lifelike moments later via ultra-cheap animation) and doesn't hear her evil guardian the Baron (porn vet Ben Dover who gets top billing in the opening credits to impress the locals) calling. That calls for punishment of course, and living up to his stage name Dover paddles and spanks the lass, also humping her. Besides getting the kink quotient off to a good start, this sequence also establishes that Stacey's Alice loves sex, and plenty of it.
Stacey finds a note reading "Follow Your Hearts" and the trail of the little red petals leads to that famous "Drink Me" bottle, which in Chaplin's version is a talking bottle, though the combo of echo chamber and thick British accent makes it unintelligible (quality control is zip at Bluebird). Drinking causes her to shrink of course, but some poor special effects (repeated many times in the remaining reels) take her to Wonderland as if down a hole -not the rabbit hole of the novel but whatever. An alarming "poor quality ahead" signal occurs in Alice's pink dress turning blue during the moments of SPFX - it will vary many times more in the film as continuity is yet another weak suit of Bluebird.
She enters a garden's gates to find Bluebird's resident buxom twins Kit and Kat Lee as Tweedledee and Tweedledum, having a squabble with sabers drawn. Alice helps out by finding their contested rattle, and when the King and Jack of Spades arrive (King is played by big-dicked regular Dirty Dog aka Ian Tate) an inevitable Bluebird orgy breaks out. Shot haphazardly with the sun in the garden varying and casting random shadows, this sequence alas has the twins oh so careful to seem uninhibited in their group sex but never touching or licking each others' private parts in what would constitute real incest. Even in the smuttiest of situations, they remain proper ladies in that regard.
After the cum shots, with Ian delivering an unbelievable load, Alice is next confronted with a full length mirror outdoors, and my favorite Michelle Thorne pops up as Alice in the Mirror, her literal doppelganger. The two actresses go through a routine reminiscent of Harpo Marx classic mirror image nonsense, except sexual in nature, soon collapsing in lesbian sex to the delight of their fans.
Transported again she arrives at an estate with a pool where an evil duchess (Jodie James) presides, wearing a very tall fur hat. They are looking for a missing rabbit, but the duchess decides to eat Alice as a pudding instead, of course this being code for cunnilingus, not cannibalism. Yet another orgy for Alice.
She heads to see the Red Queen next, played by the huge-breasted Black actress in UK named India, who has great difficulty keeping a straight face and remaining in character here, given the nonsensical format. After proclaiming "Off with her head" the queen scares Alice away, and our heroine arrives at the Mad Tea Party. Finally the promised British fairy of the title shows up in the form of yet another blonde superstar Cindy Behr, outfitted with cute little wings. Another orgy breaks out and India shows up, not angry but horny, with her femme aide-de-camp played by Barbara Brill a highlight of the sex on display.
Film completely falls apart in the next vignette, virtually a textbook example of how dilettante Chaplin conceives of his pet Bluebird features. A painfully undressed set (looks like an empty factory) is meant to represent a pirate ship right out of Peter Pan, and cast members keep apologizing for the missing ocean. It wouldn't even pass muster in an experimental stage play.
Chaplin himself suddenly shows up as the White Rabbit, dressed in an inappropriate costume with poor makeup and a couple of rabbit ears atop his head. The ears fall off later and Chaplin, given to inane improvisation, makes a big deal about everyone hunting for them. The ensuing farce that is a backdrop to yet another orgy even has imitation Benny Hill "yackety sax" music on the soundtrack, completing the embarrassment as the rest of the cast reacts to Chaplin as rabbit's insipid yammering. At one point he really goes off the deep end and does the worst Clint Eastwood impression I've ever heard (reminding me how the young pre-"Dundee" Paul Hogan did such a tremendous Eastwood on his TV show) quoting his immortal "Do you feel lucky, punk?" Dirty Harry routine.
At this point Alice's original plush toy rabbit reappears, she clutches it and we in the audience can hope things will return to sanity, even if it means another spanking from Ben Dover. With the possibility of a return to Wonderland vouchsafed, Alice finishes her adventure. Perhaps fortunately, Chaplin's Bluebird is no longer producing any new videos, so we'll have to settle for this, an in-depth Stacey Saran humpathon.
