- Dave Hodgman: Jane, Janie, lately I've been feeling like there's so much noise, ya know? Uh, so much static. All these voices competing for attention. Teachers, parents, magazines. What's in, what's out, who's cool, who's not cool enough... and it's like all this shit gets so loud I feel like I cant even hear myself think. I just want to get in my car and drive... But then I see you, I see you across the hall leaning against your locker... in that jacket that you love so much... and the way you tuck your hair back behind your ears... Then you see me and you smile, but just smile, and it's like, it's like all that noise fades away, ya know... and then the only thing I can hear is the sound of your voice when you call out my name.
- Aubrey Miller: I'm sorry.
- Dave Hodgman: You kidding me? Don't be. Never, you never have to apologize to me.
- [they hug]
- Aubrey Miller: I don't know why I'm... shit.
- Aubrey Miller: Have you had sex yet?
- Dave Hodgman: What?
- Aubrey Miller: Just asking.
- Dave Hodgman: [uncertainly] Honestly?
- Aubrey Miller: No, lie to me.
- Dave Hodgman: Not yet. I mean, not that there haven't... been some opportunities.
- Aubrey Miller: Oh, yeah? A lot of girls lining up to have sex with you?
- Dave Hodgman: [sighs] No, that's not what I meant.
- Aubrey Miller: [smiles] You only want to have sex with Jane?
- Dave Hodgman: I guess, yeah. Uhm, but I fantasize about holding her hand, and... kissing in the rain. You know,
- [kidding:]
- Dave Hodgman: all that cheesy, tired romantic shit that you're such a fan of.
- [she smiles]
- Dave Hodgman: And I fantasize about having sex with Casey Flynn.
- Aubrey Miller: [taking a sip of wine] Ah, is that an actress I should know?
- Dave Hodgman: She's a girl that goes to my school. She's a girl that everyone wants to have sex with, because she's, you know, mean.
- Aubrey Miller: Oh.
- Dave Hodgman: Jane's a girl that you want to be your girlfriend.
- Aubrey Miller: The virgin and the skank. Tale as old as time.
- Dave Hodgman: Have you done it yet?
- Aubrey Miller: None of your business.
- Ronny: Just mind your business, Dan!
- Dave Hodgman: Okay, you know what I think? I think you know my name is actually Dave. Kind of like how I know yours is actually Dick.
- [Ronny shoves Dave and he hits his head off a table]
- Aubrey Miller: Last summer, I, uh, I got to visit my uncle and his boyfriend in Madrid and one day I was just like, walking around and I got lost. And I, and I, my cellphone was dead and I had no idea where their apartment was and then, and then I was worried because I was, like, going to have to adapt to life as a street person in Madrid and finally, I like, wandered out into this plaza and I sat down by a fountain and I just, like, breathed. And I realized, I had been so focused on where I was going and, and getting back that I hadn't even noticed... where I was. And I hadn't noticed anything. And so I, I started to. I started to notice the... personality of the architecture and, like the, the way the people would just like, greet each other in the streets and even the sky looked... like, different over there. And it felt like I was just letting go of something... But also like finally in the world... And, you know, I eventually found my way back but those few hours, those were like the best, the best part of my trip. And I just, I wanna get back out there so bad. There's so much stuff I wanna see...
- Jane Harmon: No, Dave's amazing. He's one of my best friends. Definitely my best guy friend. He's just, you know, he's always been there for me through all my... terrible relationships and shit, and... I can tell him anything. And he gives the best advice, he's so smart. You should see the way he is with his sister.
- Aubrey Miller: He has a sister?
- Jane Harmon: Yeah, she's five, or maybe six but so, so cute and he's, like, super involved in her life 'cause I guess the dad isn't really around or whatever.
- Aubrey Miller: Where is he?
- Jane Harmon: It's just that most guys our age are really self-absorbed, you know.
- Simon Daldry: I'm going to kill him, bitch! I'm going to kick the livin' shit out of you! The livin' shit, my friend!
- Aubrey Miller: So this girl Jane, she doesn't like you back?
- Dave Hodgman: She does... platonically. As a friend.
- Aubrey Miller: Oh, I know what platonically means. I'm a junior, not a moron.
- Jane Harmon: Well, I don't care about that kind of stuff any more. I am over boys. They all suck. Especially the hotties.
- Dave Hodgman: You've said that before. Many times.
- Jane Harmon: No, this time I mean it.
- Dave Hodgman: I think she's gonna hook up with Brendan Meltzer tonight.
- Aubrey Miller: Ooh, my friend hooked up with Brendan Meltzer once...
- Dave Hodgman: See?
- Aubrey Miller: He is ripped!
- Dave Hodgman: What are you... what are you doing to me?
- Aubrey Miller: Sorry, I'm just saying, if she's a friend of Meltzer, I wouldn't get my hopes up.
- Dave Hodgman: Well, trust me, they're not... up, okay? That's why I'm out here.
- Aubrey Miller: Because you're hiding?
- Dave Hodgman: I'm not hiding.
- Aubrey Miller: Fleeing?
- Dave Hodgman: No! Fleeing?
- Aubrey Miller: Yeah.
- Dave Hodgman: I just... I just... Ugh. I had to get out of there. I couldn't exactly stand around watching the girl that I'm in love with, flirt with the best-looking guy ever.
- [kicks empty tin can]
- Dave Hodgman: It's torture.
- Aubrey Miller: [holds out packet] Want some gum?
- Dave Hodgman: No, thanks, I'm good.
- Jane Harmon: God! I am SO sick of these arrogant jag weeds. Their big stupid mouths and their tiny little penises.
- Aubrey Miller: They're not talking about Dave anymore?
- Jane Harmon: They're talking about Brendan Meltzer.
- Aubrey Miller: Is he douchebag?
- Jane Harmon: World's most humongous douchebag!
- Jane Harmon: I'm Jane.
- Aubrey Miller: Aubrey. We met.
- Jane Harmon: Right. You know Dave?
- Aubrey Miller: Yeah, a little.
- Jane Harmon: Do you like... like him?
- Aubrey Miller: What? No, no, no. I, um... No, I'm with, um...
- [looking at Ronny]
- Aubrey Miller: ... that guy.
- Jane Harmon: Oh, wow, he is gorgeous.
- Dave Hodgman: Jane, Janie... I'm going to go.
- Jane Harmon: What? But I was just telling you about... Don't you want to talk?
- Dave Hodgman: No, not tonight. I'll see you on Monday, okay?
- Jane Harmon: Okay.
- Aubrey Miller: You know, none of my theories are wrong, by the way. They're just not fully developed yet.
- Jane Harmon: He's always been there for me through all my terrible relationships and shit, and I can tell him anything.
- Aubrey Miller: Everything cool has been ruined. Was before we got here. Even sex and relationships. It's all just so safe and convenient. Homogenized. You know, exchange profiles, boil your personality down to some, like, compatibility equation. You know, what's your favorite movie? Who's your favorite recording artist? And then, with one easy click, we too can realize our dream of boning someone exactly like us. Get married, give birth to two and a half babies. We can all post the pictures on Facebook or Twitter. No, that's... that is not for me.
- [little sigh]
- Aubrey Miller: I wanna meet a man the old-fashioned way, you know, like... in a bar.
- Dave Hodgman: How about a dark alley? Crazy guy who talks to himself?
- Aubrey Miller: Give me your hand.
- [their fingers entwine]
- Aubrey Miller: Which one am I?
- [smiling]
- Aubrey Miller: The virgin or the skank?
- Dave Hodgman: [looking into her eyes, sighs] I've never met anyone like you before.
- Aubrey Miller: That's a pretty good answer.
- Aubrey Miller: I have trouble with someone sleeping in the room.
- Dave Hodgman: Oh. I'll take off.
- Aubrey Miller: No. It's just... sleep-overs, camp, I always hated them. Not... because I minded being away, but because there was always some mouth-breather next to me.
- Dave Hodgman: You don't have to explain, I'll go.
- Aubrey Miller: Not... yet. I just... Maybe we could lie here for a minute. And... and I could just close my eyes, see what it's like, is it okay?
- Dave Hodgman: Okay.
- Aubrey Miller: [they lie together, his arn over her waist] Your heart is beating really fast.
- Dave Hodgman: I know... Sorry.
- Aubrey Miller: It's cool, Hodgman.
- Aubrey Miller: I dig you so much.
- [Dave moves closer, and they kiss]
- Aubrey Miller: So much it, like, freaks me out.
- Dave Hodgman: And it hasn't expired yet.. you know.. still got good 18 months on this guy..
- Dave Hodgman: Not that I have that kind of stamina..
- Aubrey Miller: [dancing far-off from the party] I can't believe I'm doing this. It's just like the cheesiest thing *ever.* All we need now is for it to be raining, and, like... I mean, it's just so tired, right? And completely...
- Dave Hodgman: Would you deal with it?
- Aubrey Miller: So...
- Dave Hodgman: So?
- Aubrey Miller: So you're here with Jane. She's
- [nods]
- Aubrey Miller: really pretty.
- Dave Hodgman: Yeah, she's all right.
- Aubrey Miller: And she's sitting next to you and she's holding your hand. It... it kind of seems that she likes you.
- Dave Hodgman: No. I don't...
- Aubrey Miller: Okay.
- Dave Hodgman: I'm definitely... having thoughts... about... the sexy time with her, though.
- Aubrey Miller: Wow!
- Dave Hodgman: Definitely. So thanks for that.
- Aubrey Miller: Maybe that's good. Take her off the pedestal. Besides, that cheeseball romance stuff? That's strictly for Nicholas Sparks books and commercials for De Beers. It's like... it's like Zussman says, it's all biology, really. Natural selection. A female chooses the strongest mate so that her offspring have a greater chance at survival.
- Dave Hodgman: [re the condom Aubrey fetched from the bathroom] I think this is a really good kind. Like maybe the best. I think this is what Tiger uses. And it hasn't expired yet. You know, you still got a good eighteen months on this guy.
- [with a self-conscious chuckle:]
- Dave Hodgman: Not that I have that kind of stamina.
- [studies packaging]
- Dave Hodgman: Hey, 'spermicide' is a really ominous-sounding word, right? You know, I mean, it sounds like something those Nazis committed.
- Aubrey Miller: Are you gonna put it on?
- Dave Hodgman: You mean right now?
- Aubrey Miller: Or...
- Dave Hodgman: No, yeah, uh, yeah... Uh... Do you wanna get under the covers?
- Aubrey Miller: Yeah,
- [chuckles]
- Aubrey Miller: I do, that's a good idea.
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