- Dad: I just didn't think you had it in you.
- Thomas: I know. Sorry I let you down.
- Dad: No, I literally didn't think you had this in you. So uh, how many people were here?
- Thomas: Uh, 15 hundred. Couple thousand maybe.
- Dad: Wow.
- Thomas: You should have seen it. It was awesome.
- Dad: Well, you're still fucked Thomas.
- Thomas: [holding the gnome] How did this thing get up here? Was someone in my parent's room?
- Costa: It's a gnome. I guess he gets around. Who cares, man?
- Thomas: Well, I just don't want people up here. Besides it's creepy. Look at him. JB, what are you looking for?
- JB: Looking to see if your dad has condoms. I'm working on something downstairs.
- Costa: The only thing you're working on is diabetes, you fat fuck.
- Costa: [after the midget drives the car into the pool] Wow. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix any of this shit. I'm sorry Thomas. I just wanted to get some pussy.
- Costa: [All 3 are sprawled on the front lawn] I love you guys. No seriously. Look I realize I can be like a huge dick sometimes, I'm really sorry for that.
- Thomas: It's okay.
- Costa: No it's not. JB, I'm sorry for buying you a bra on your birthday. That wasn't cool.
- JB: Wasn't cool man.
- Costa: And I'm sorry for all the times I called you "fat fuck." "Pudgy bitch." "Fudgy the whale." And I'm sorry for that time at your brother's Bar Mitzvah when I told everyone you look like Rosie O'Donnell because you don't.
- JB: I don't.
- Rob: [to Costa, as the neighborhood burns] Great party, buddy! You own me a fucking tree, you piece of shit!
- Costa: [screaming] ALL I WAS DOING WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME, YOU COCK SUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
- Rob: You know where you're going? YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER!
- [the two boys tackle him]
- Costa: That's my boy! SUCK MY DICK ROBERT! SUCK MY FUCKING DICK!
- JB: Holy shit, dude. It's Miles Teller.
- Thomas: Dude, it is. That's him! Holy shit.
- JB: He's so badass.
- Costa: Yeah, my boy's starting at second base for USC.
- JB: I heard he got sent to detention once and wound up banging the teacher.
- Costa: Mi-Tell! What's crackin' bro? We go to North Pas.
- Thomas: Yeah, dude, big fans.
- Costa: Huge fans.
- Miles: Cool. Awesome.
- Costa: Look, we're making a movie.
- JB: Invite him, man. Come on.
- Thomas: Okay. Listen, Miles, we're having a little soiree at my place tonight. If you wanna swing by it should be.
- Costa: [interrupts] Teller, my boy here is underselling this like a mother fucker. This shit's gonna be legit. You should definitely swing by.
- Miles: Yeah, I can't. I actually have other plans tonight, so I might not make it.
- Costa: Dude, think about it. It's on Dickens Street. We'd love to have you.
- Miles: Dickens Street?
- Costa: Yeah.
- Miles: That's your party? You guys are throwing that? That's where I'm going. I heard it's gonna be fucking crazy, bro!
- Thomas: That's my party. I'm Thomas Kub. It's my birthday today.
- Miles: Yeah, I heard it's gonna be unlimited high school pussy and shit.
- Costa: Dude, high school pussy for days.
- Costa: [about the "Naked Girls Only" sign] The next time your pool guy comes by for a clean, he's gonna say, "Excuse me Mr. Kub, but I think I may have found some water in your semen."
- Thomas: Kirby I'm really sorry about what happened. I didn't know how to handle it. But I think I do now and that's why I'm here. My life right now, it's totally ruined, okay. I practically burned down my whole neighborhood. Probably bankrupted my parents. I'll be in debt until I die. But, the only thing I care about fixing right now is this. So, I'm sorry. You're still mad. I get it. But if you are talking to me about my next birthday, I'd really like to spend it with just you.
- Kirby: You're...
- [She kisses him]
- Thomas: So we're cool again?
- Kirby: I never said you were cool.
- [They hug. Thomas motions for Dax to stop filming]
- Thomas: [All 3 lay on the front lawn, high on ecstasy] Hey guys? I hooked up with Kirby. I'm like, really into her.
- Costa: Okay seriously Thomas, that's like cool and all, but she's like always been around. It's like hooking up with JB, but her tits are smaller.
- JB: Hey.
- Costa: I'm just saying. Kirby's sort of like, one of us. Tonights about the girls we never had a shot at. Tonight's about changing the game.
- Rob: Hey, Thomas. Look man I don't want to be a dick here or anything, but your friend Oliver came by earlier and told me you guys were having a little party but this is too much.
- Thomas: Yeah. We actually should be winding down like midnight, maybe 1. Is that okay?
- Rob: No, it's not. I'm sorry. The baby can't sleep and Melinda's gotta be up early for work.
- Costa: Fuck yeah! My boy Rob is here to rage! Good to see you, brother.
- Rob: Whoa, yeah. Actually I'm not raging, but I'm just telling Thomas it's time to shut it down.
- Costa: You can't be serious. This is a great party. What the fuck?
- Rob: I am serious because it's 11:30 at night and it's time to wrap it up.
- JB: Hey, hey, hey. Why don't we just bring everyone to the back and lower the volume a bit.
- Rob: Guys, this isn't a request! The party's over.
- Costa: I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree then, aren't we?
- Rob: Listen to me. Thomas, either shut it down or I'm calling the cops. Fine, fuck it! I'm calling the fucking cops.
- [gets a taser shot by Everett]
- Costa: Fuck! Oh shit!
- JB: Jesus fucking Christ! What did you do that for?
- Costa: [Rob punches Everett in the face] Are you fucking kidding me? I will fucking kill you!
- Rob: The little fuck tazed me! I'm definitely calling the cops now!
- Costa: You punched a kid in the face! I'm calling the cops on your ass now!
- Rob: Do it, genius! It's all on tape. I just saw this mother fucker record it right here.
- Dax: No, all I got was you punching that little child's face.
- Rob: Fuck you!
- Costa: Go home, Robert!
- Kirby: [Shows Thomas a video of his dog tied to balloons] Can you imagine if your mom ever saw that?
- Thomas: Poor Milo.
- Kirby: I don't know. It's pretty funny. Maybe I'll post it on youtube.
- Thomas: No no, don't. Don't, seriously stop.
- Kirby: Come on, you're way too easy. I love it.
- Thomas: I hate you.
- [pets Milo]
- Thomas: You're okay Milo, I promise.
- Costa: Mr. Kub, how cool is it that Thomas was born on your anniversary, yeah? What a great anniversary gift. A baby.
- Mom: I'm just worried.
- Dad: About what?
- Mom: I don't know. Thomas, leaving him alone all weekend.
- Dad: Oh please. Come on honey, he's 17 years old.
- Mom: That's what I'm worried about.
- Dad: Let's be realistic here. This is Thomas we're talking about. He's not exactly Mr. Popular.
- Mom: What is that supposed to mean?
- Dad: I'm just saying that he's not that type of kid, you know. He's got a couple friends, they're gonna hang out, but they're not gonna do anything. He's a sweet kid, but he's a loser.
- Thomas: [Looking at a picture from when they were younger] Oh my god. What was wrong with me? Wow, this was before Costa.
- Kirby: Yeah, the good old days.
- Thomas: Yeah, back when you were still in the crew.
- [He holds the picture next to her face]
- Thomas: You used to be so cute, what happened?
- Kirby: Shut the fuck up. It still looks like me.
- Thomas: [He kisses her] Was that weird? I'm sorry. Shit that was weird wasn't it?
- Kirby: No, it was...
- Thomas: Fuck.
- [They make out]
- Everett - Security Guard: Hey boss.
- JB: What the fuck?
- Costa: There he is! This is Everett and his boy Tyler. They're gonna be running security for the night.
- Thomas: Are you serious? Are those nun-chucks?
- Everett - Security Guard: Yeah.
- Thomas: [laughing] Oh shit.
- JB: You guys look like Ninjas.
- Tyler: Ninjas are fucking pussies!
- Costa: That's why I love this kid.
- Tyler: You know it.
- Costa: Seriously Thomas, with these two we got nothing to worry about.
- Thomas: My parents are gonna crucify me if anything gets fucked up! You know what I don't care if everyone thinks I'm a dick, I'm getting them out of the house.
- Costa: Dude come on.
- [Thomas stands on a chair]
- Costa: Dude what the fuck are you doing? Thomas! Please don't embarrass me like this!
- Thomas: Hey listen up!
- Alexis: Yeah, Thomas! Woow!
- [Crowd cheers]
- Thomas: [the three watch the party from the bathroom window] Where the fuck did all these people even come from? You know some guy down there told me he found out about the party on fucking Craigslist?
- Costa: My dad met my step-mom on Craigslist.
- Thomas: So you just put up my address on the fucking internet?
- JB: Well, not just the internet.
- Costa: Shut the fuck up JB!
- Thomas: No wait, what the fuck is he talking about?
- Costa: Okay, I had Jesse Marco put out an email blast and he may have called a radio station.
- Thomas: You motherfuckers!
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