User reviews

... you probably guessed it, but here goes: the poster and the title. There is almost no redeeming factor in this. Even if you are into the silliness of it all (which let's be honest you absolutely have to be, otherwise do not even bother), the movie does take itself way too serious - for it's own good.

And for the viewers good too. Because this could have been just a silly movie based on a silly premise/pun. I don't have to mention that the CGI is as bad as you probably imagine it will be. The acting is decent at best and only at times. Maybe you can be forgiving, but it is quite unlikely. So enjoy the poster and do not waste your time on this - others already did that for you.

My god i cannot start to say how bad that movie was.... why even bother producing such a bad bad bad movie with hyper bad FX zero talent so called actors.

Avoid at all cost.

It has an Ark. It has a shark. And cgi to compete with Vultures of Horror.

Can't wait for Noah, Heath, and Eli to do their thing to this movie.

Seems like a great contender for God Awful Movies.

Guess my title have said enough. My kids can do better at home with Adobe After Effects.

It is just not worth watching their home-like video show and fall asleep right from the start.

I am so disappointed in this. I came in with low expectations and somehow they were not only not met, but missed so poorly i can't put it into words. The lead actor, curly hair big nose, was dismal. He had no business being anywhere near a movie. Not acting, writing, editing, directing, even seeing a movie or a commercial for one on TV. I hated him in Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, which was WAY BETTER THAN THIS! And I still hate him. Nobody wants to act. The woman who was the "arms dealer" or whatever can't deliver a line without laughing or do anything for that matter without cracking a smile. The budget, if there was one, couldn't have been higher than a KFC family meal and a fifth of Jack Daniels. This, is without a doubt, the worst film ever. Not just the worst in the PCU (Polonia Cinematic Universe), but the worst film to ever disgrace a screen.

Right, well I knew this movie was going to be bad. But still, I opted to sit down and watch what writer John Oak Dalton and director Mark Polonia had to offer with the 2021 movie titled "Noah's Shark". And sure, while the title is bad, it was still a fun pun on Noah's ark.

And the movie's cover was actually looking fun enough, so there might be an odd chance that the movie would be one of those shark movie that are so bad that they actually become fun and enjoyable to watch. But no. "Noah's Shark" was not one such movie.

"Noah's Shark" is a downright horrible movie and a laughable attempt at making a shark movie. I didn't even make it halfway through before I gave up on this stinker of a movie. Yeah, the storyline was that bad, and the effects were that bad. And not even bad in a fun way. No, just pure and simply bad. Just what was writer John Oak Dalton thinking when sitting down to write the script and plot for this movie?

The movie's cover/poster was actually the best thing about the entire ordeal.

I was not familiar with a single actor or actress that performed in the movie, nor had I been missing out on a great thing here.

My rating of "Noah's Shark" lands on a one out of ten stars. There are lots of bad shark movies out there, but "Noah's Shark" floats right to the top five of bad shark movies ever made.

Truly a masterpiece and a cornerstone in the progression of film as a medium for storytelling. The extremely meta attitude that the narrative shows is extremely metaphorical in its transformation of the famous great flood story from the bible. To be honest, the setting is so realistic that I now wonder if the bible is truly what happened.

This movie will make you question your own humanity and the value of humanity as a whole. "Should humanity make art", "does bad art relinquish our validity as a species. The existentialism that it follows is also extremely captivating,"should I watch", "how does one delete movies and the conception of them from reality" and "is life still worth living" are all topics explored deeply in your own psyche while watching this movie.

Even the people who find this movie to not suit their taste must acknowledge that this is truly one of the movies ever made.

The story is mildly interesting, but the amateurish production design makes this a movie that could have maybe been "So Bad It's Good" just plain bad.

I'm definitely gave this movie a very best review. The act are awesome, CGI is top notch, very well made. You won't regret it, very entertaining movies ever. Very sharp and wit script. Very best ever. This really made my day. Better than any MCU movies.

From the title, you'd think this was an intentionally bad movie, like Sharknado or Velocipastor, but it's not. I really think they set out to make a good movie - which it's also definitely not.

They kinda sorta seem to take the religious aspect seriously, but they throw in enough stuff that I can't imagine religious people enjoying this movie.

Made on a budget that would embarrass a community theater, it is sort of entertaining in a "so bad it's good" kind of way.

It also raises the interesting (if you're high) question of whether there were sharks or other sea creatures on Noah's Ark, and if so, why? It seems like a waste of already limited space.

I LAUGHED SO HARD. ALL OF POLONIA'S MOVIES, AND THE ALMOST THE SAME CAST EVERY MOVIE, AND TERRIBLE SPIRIT HALLOWEEN BUDGET ARE NEVER GETTING OLD. It's like they put fifty dollars in party city costumes and thrift stores props, the other fifty dollars in stock footage, and just called it right there. And it's perfect that way. Literally, it felt like a fifteen minute fever dream, deserves sequel. Only thing I could want is them to take it less seriously, it doesn't feel like an actual joke movie sometimes. It references and possibly steals from FAITH and the ENTIRE EXORCIST FRANCHISE, IT HITS THE FIRST THREE OF THE MAIN MOVIES. This was absolutely magical. I love Victorious or whatever his name is, he's absolutely funny. They once retconned a scene DURING the same scene they were retconning, so... yeah, love that. If you like crying to the worst movies ever, this is the one for you.

Okay, so you know how sometimes the most hyped-up movie on IMDb doesn't always do it for you, right? Now, take "Noah's Shark". Not exactly a crowd favorite on IMDb, but man, I've got a different take. I've worked on the Japanese subtitles for this thing, which got me deep into its vibe.

The shark movie buffs I hang out with actually rate it pretty high, so it's got some real street cred. And seriously, the focus on a simple plank of wood? That's some next-level creativity right there.

And don't even get me started on Mark Polonia's unique style. It's like catching that perfect wave at the beach, just gives you a thrill. His style flows through "Noah's Shark", leaving a mark that's hard to shake off.

To wrap it up, "Noah's Shark" is a must-see - it might not be the usual Hollywood cup of tea, but it's like finding a hidden gem at the bottom of the bargain bin. If you're into Polonia's stuff or just looking for something out of the box, this is the perfect flick for your popcorn night.

This is the worst movie I have ever seen,the acting,the special effects, everything is so so bad,left a bad taste in my mouth. Don't watch this garbage. A child has a better budget than this movie.

I turned it off after less than 5 minutes. Wow...how can something this bad be produced? The acting by the priest is beyond pathetic.

Please don't waste your time.

Why did they make this stinker? I mean literally, why? What is the point of making this and for whom? Or was this one of those projects where you participate while suffering at a mental asylum?

If there was minus rating I will give bellow zero. The most rubbish film the first few minutes! Bad acting bad dialogues everything is bad about this film and I don't even want waist more of my time watch further! What rubbish films they making! Waist of money and time and pay bad actors if are actors! Don't waist even a minute watch this.

Terrible acting Terrible writing Watched this for background noise and to kill boredom. NOT worth it The only thing this movie does is destroy brain cells (ALLEGEDLY) I would not wish this movie upon the worst people on Earth as that would be far too inhumane. The fact that this is available on a streaming service is a testament to how desperate these services are to inflate their content list in order to attempt to remain relevant and worthwhile.

The fact that the CGI was terrible didn't bother me, as this is an obviously low-budget title, but even a loner like me knows people who can act better than the cast in this movie. It was such a predictable and uninteresting story that I would have fallen asleep if it weren't for the mobile games I was playing at the same time, and then had torturous dreams about this heinous creation.

Don't waist your time! The story doesn't make sense, th le plot is almost nonexistent, and it is clearly obvious that no one who made this movie had read a single page about Noah's Story in the Bible or knows what a Priest's job is... Would give 0 stars if I could! The movie is not worth the film it was recorded with. The actor Ingrid and character interaction is terrible. And there are so many plot holes. The cgi is awful. I am a fan of B movies, but this wasn't even watchable. Literally any other movie is better than this. I'm not even sure what the point of the story was about after watching this movie.

That was it. Thats all i had. Just wanted to use that witty catchphrase. I assume movie is horrible so you probably shouldn't watch it. If you do watch it, it speaks numbers about you and how little you value your time on this planet. Make better decisions in all aspects of your life.

This is the best film I have ever seen, the acting, the editing, the cinematography is amazing. If I could I would give it more stars. This movie deserves to win an Oscar. This movie inspired me. The shark is so cute and realistic. I love this movie so so much. Kudos to Mark for creating this masterpiece. This movie is such a good movie, everyone needs to watch it right now: Mark needs to create more movies. Mark has inspired me to become the person I am today, and these films that Mark have made have changed me for the better. Thank you for making this masterpiece, I think about this movie every night.

Desperate to retain his credibility, a failing priest decides to accompany a hustler who claims to know the true resting spot of Noah's Ark and sets out with a crew to find it, only to learn that a deadly cult and a mystical Great White Shark guarding the site to prevent the release of a deadly secret.

This was a solid enough if somewhat flawed effort. Among the more enjoyable aspects of this one comes from an intriguing setup that mixes together some interesting topics. The main aspect involved here, with the introduction of the lost books banned from the Bible including the witch and the secret deal that transpires between the shark and the forgotten son of Noah, makes for a rather strong starting point that twists history for its own good. That this enables the main setup here of the search for the cursed ark to carry on from there while setting up the protective cult and cursed shark on their trails is a great start. That goes alongside the cheesy action here to give this some cheesy genre thrills. The flashbacks to the truth involving what happened on the ark, from the meeting with the witch and the betrayal that resulted when he brings the shark onboard to the goofy attacks that follow once the creature gets loose, is a rather fun sequence much like the doomed explorer who finds it and also gets attacked. The big finale, involving the group coming under fire by the supernatural cult leading to the last battle with the shark and a somewhat cheesy finale which has a lot to like, all comes together with the cheesy effects to make for some likable elements here. There are some drawbacks here that hold this one back. The biggest issue here is a generally thudding pace that doesn't have all that much going on here for a killer shark movie. That so much of this one is spent on the threat of the cult members about continuing on and the group hiking through the intervening parts of the woods on their journey that the shark action is kept to a minimum at several points due to the lack of action. The other factor here is the usual assortment of low-budget issues that constantly plague these films, from flimsy shark props, technical mistakes, and other blatant factors that are to be expected and which hold it down.

Rated Unrated/R: Language and Violence.

This was so bad. The actors, CGI, and plot was just really bad. I could have done better acting in 3rd grade.

Couldn't get through the first couple minutes before turning it off. Who was this movie even made for? I seriously started laughing thinking there's no way the director thought this would be a great movie.

The costumes looked like they were from spirit Halloween. I swear no one was thinking when they wrote this movie. The trailer makes the movie seem like it's really intense but it's not.

I swear they just picked up some people from the street, called them "actors" and then threw them on set without a script.

Don't waist your time.

I was watching this film with my friend and realised it was the pinnacle of all media ever created. Featuring the musician 'Ghost' ands included aspects of interesting CGI and Impressive character development which made me want to cry (for how good it was). I would recommend this to all friends and family and gather round for this holy experience for which you will be shocked...