- Eloise McGarry: Today will not suck.
- [coming to Table #19]
- Eloise McGarry: Hi.
- Rezno Eckberg: Hello. Oh my God. Hi, I'm Renzo. I've achieved puberty and I'm in a rock band.
- Walter Thimple: I'm Walter and I've also achieved puberty.
- Freda Eckberg: I'm Francie Millner's first nanny.
- Jerry Kepp: I can smell the toilets from here, that's how well we know the bride and groom.
- Walter Thimple: Hello. My name is Walter and I'm a successful businessman.
- Donny Haczyk: Nice. What line of work are you in?
- Walter Thimple: I could ask you the same question.
- Donny Haczyk: Me? Oh, I'm in beer and wine distribution.
- Walter Thimple: Same.
- Donny Haczyk: Oh, you are?
- Walter Thimple: Yeah.
- Donny Haczyk: Ever heard of a guy named Donny Haczyk?
- Walter Thimple: Yes. He's a knobhead.
- Donny Haczyk: He's a what?
- Walter Thimple: A knobhead. Like a dickhead.
- Donny Haczyk: I'm Donny Haczyk.
- Walter Thimple: [awkward silence] Good to see you again, Donny.
- Jerry Kepp: We 're ridiculous.
- Bina Kepp: We 're ridiculous? Everyone is ridiculous Jerry. Ok? You deal with it 'cause you have to.
- Jerry Kepp: Do you?
- Bina Kepp: Yeah, you do! That's life. You 're ridiculous and a mess. And you still hope that you 'll find someone who 'll think that you 'll be ok enough to be loved.
- Jerry Kepp: Is that what life is?
- Bina Kepp: Yeah, it is. And it's really weird that you don't know that by now!
- Jo Flanagan: [Upon Eloise's return to the table] Are you all right? You look lost.
- Eloise McGarry: I do?
- Jo Flanagan: If you need help, just ask us.
- Eloise McGarry: Sorry, "If I need help"?
- Jo Flanagan: Do you? Do you need my help?
- Eloise McGarry: Why would I need your help?
- Jo Flanagan: Well, you have no one.
- Eloise McGarry: [stammers] I did the table assignments with Francie. How could the person who did the table assignments have no one else here? I planned half the wedding. Okay.
- Eloise McGarry: [Turns in her chair and starts scanning the entire reception] Table one is Francie, Doug, and everyone who actually matters including Teddy Millner, the best man-child and Nikki Carmichael, the second-choice maid of honor. Table two, Francie's hideous dad...
- Walter Thimple: Roger? No, he's a lovely bloke.
- Eloise McGarry: [continuing] Roger and his trophy wife, and Doug's parents who are married but miserable. Table three, Francie's disaster of a mother, her actual sorority sisters who are divorced, mostly twice, sometimes more.
- Rezno Eckberg: What's happening now?
- Eloise McGarry: Four, Doug's kooky college friends. Five, grandparents, no comment. Six, Doug's dad's military buddies. Seven, decent cousins. Eight, indecent cousins including Infamous Kate, the Millner family nymphomaniac.
- Rezno Eckberg: Where is eight now?
- Eloise McGarry: Nine, Francie's scintillating work. 10, Doug's even more scintillating work. 11, kids' table, no comment. 12 & 13 are two tables of singles, one supposedly cool, the other supposedly not. 14, Doug's dad's diner world connections.
- Jerry Kepp: The hell are we doing back here?
- Eloise McGarry: 15 are the wedding hires including the reverend, the hairdresser, the hairdresser's colorist. And then there's three more tables until you get back here. Do you know what Francie's mother calls this table?
- Jo Flanagan: Enough.
- Eloise McGarry: What Carol Millner calls Table 19? The table that should have known to RSVP regrets... but not before sending something nice off the registry.
- Jo Flanagan: Enough.
- Eloise McGarry: The table that could disappear in the middle of the wedding and no one would even notice.
- Jo Flanagan: [Slamming her fists down angrily] Enough!
- Eloise McGarry: I did the table assignments with Francie before I was replaced as maid of honor because her brother broke up with me over text after two years. That's the kind of table this is.
- Jo Flanagan: I told Francie Millner a never-ending story when she was five. I taught her a dozen rock-n-roll songs. I gave her, her favorite toy in the world. A golden bird that she so loved, I bet she still has it now. Does that sound like a person they would put at a table of people they don't care about?
- Eloise McGarry: It sounds like someone who was invited to a wedding because Francie's mother found out she was paying $200 a plate for the groom's nanny and wanted to settle the score.
- [Jo looks over to see Doug's mother and his nanny share a kiss and pose for a picture]
- Eloise McGarry: Oh, and me too. I mean, I'm here too. Even though Teddy Millner is the worst person I ever knew. I wanted to see if maybe I was still in love with him. So, thanks for the offer but I'm done looking for help from people who are as lost as I am.
- Eloise McGarry: After 2 years you break up with me over text. Good luck with your future endeavors. What are you firing me? What the...
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