- Elvis Costello: Thank you Father Christmas. You got me just what I wanted most: the gift of not being digested by a bear.
- Stephen Colbert: [Elvis Costello is being attacked by a bear] Wait. Feist, you're an angel! Do something!
- Feist: I have no power over bears! They're godless killing machines!
- Stephen Colbert: I love "White Christmas" and "Silver Bells" and "Puff the Magic Dragon", but I found out when you sing those old holiday standards, someone else gets the royalty check. That doesn't sound like Christmas to me.
- Stephen Colbert: Say something a bear would never say!
- Toby Keith: [behind cabin door] I hate honey!
- Stephen Colbert: [to self] OK, it checks out.
- Stephen Colbert: What are you doing in my nativity scene?
- Willie Nelson: Stephen, right now I'm so high *you're* hallucinating.
- Stephen Colbert: [lifts up his right hand; it appears to be a deer hoof] Whoa.
- Jon Stewart: I just heard on the radio - the Jonas Brothers have fallen through the ice.
- Stephen Colbert: [dramatically] And?
- Jon Stewart: [grins] They will be missed.
- Jon Stewart: [singing] We have latkas...
- Stephen Colbert: What are they?
- Jon Stewart: [singing] ... potato pancakes. We have dreidels...
- Stephen Colbert: What are they?
- Jon Stewart: [singing] ... wooden tops. We have candles...
- Stephen Colbert: What are they?
- Jon Stewart: [yelling] They are *candles*!
- Stephen Colbert: [holding a replica lightsaber] If this can handle an aqua-lish at the Mos Eisley spaceport, I'd say it can handle a grizz.
- [Stephen's fireplace is actually a television image]
- Stephen Colbert: Listen, you must be cold. Why don't you warm yourself up by the fire and I'll get us some eggnog.
- John Legend: Sounds good. You mind if I take the mute off?
- [Elvis Costello materializes outside the cabin]
- Elvis Costello: What?
- Stephen Colbert: Elvis!
- Elvis Costello: Stephen! How did I get to your mountain cabin?
- Stephen Colbert: It's a Christmas miracle! Oh, nothing can stop my Christmas special now!
- [Elvis is immediately attacked by the bear]
- Elvis Costello: Thank you, Father Christmas. You got me just what I wanted most: the gift of not being digested by a bear.
- [Last lines; as the end credits are rolling]
- Elvis Costello: [interrupting] Wait!
- [singing]
- Elvis Costello: Jingle Man, Christmas Boy, fighting crime with *toys*!
- Stephen Colbert: That's it! I'm gonna put on a pot of coffee, Elvis. We got a Christmas special to write!