Fanboy & Chum Chum

Synopsis: Adults are probably gonna hate it. Children will probably like it, but they don't know why...and that's not a good thing.

Let's start with the theme song. The theme song is 35 seconds, with 5 seconds for the word "Brainfreeze", and 10 seconds dedicated to gibberish. The song, which features a mind-boggling 240 WPM (Seriously. I did the math.), is filled with phrases like "Look at our underwear!", and describes the main characters as "coo-coo and crazy". What's wrong here? First of all, coo-coo and crazy is an understatement, and lastly, normal speaking and listening pretty much has a range between 100 and 175 WPM, with 150 WPM being the ideal range that people feel comfortable. 180 WPM is where people start getting annoyed, complaining that they are being spoken to too fast. This begs the question, why are cartoons today so fast-spoken and hyperactive? However, the theme song is able to be comprehended...if you pause it every four seconds. Sadly, it's not even worth trying to comprehend.

Fanboy and Chum Chum (Chum Chum is voiced by Nika Futterman. Her credits include similar short-lived cartoons and "Give it to me, baby!" in the song "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)") are two very "special" boys. Fanboy wears a purple mask, gloves and cape, with a green leotard that he wears his underwear over. Chum Chum wears goggles and black gloves, and wears his underwear in the same fashion. They are also in terrible need of an orthodontist and an eye surgeon, as Fanboy has large buckteeth, and Chum Chum has teeth that resembles New York City's skyline. They also seem to have lazy eye in an effort to enhance their "zanyness". Kyle (voiced by Jamie Kennedy, who's previous work is far from children's shows) has already received orthodontic treatment, and seems to be a legit wizard. If you haven't found enough causes for concern about this show in this article so far...keep reading.

They are taught in school by Mr. Mufflin, who is a boring adult, fueling the flames of stereotype that cartoons seem to be so ready to provide children about their elders. Mr. Mufflin is annoyed by the boys (and rightfully so...but these clowns are the protagonists, so the kids probably find the teacher to be an antagonist...oh well...), lets us know that the boys have been held back a grade, and will likely be held back another. This comment is sparked by their disinterest in school, instead being more focused on what flavor of grape juice goes best with their lunch. Their hyperactivity is showcased as they flail their hands in the air and shouted constantly to get the teacher's attention for an insignificant matter. Only 2 minutes of the show has passed, and I'm already praying my son doesn't imitate this show.

So we already know the two "heroes" are stupid, hyperactive, and have zero attention span. Then the antagonist shows up: Kyle, a boy wizard. He despises Fanboy and Chum Chum, probably due to their obsession with his powers. In order to try to gain Kyle's respect, they attempt to convince him that they are wizards, also. Failing to dupe Kyle with simple street magic, Fanboy asks Kyle to pull his finger. Kyle refuses, and Fanboy graphically farts in Kyle's face, calling it "magic".

Let's talk about the music score. The music score makes "Tom & Jerry" scores look like John Williams Oscar-Winners. The music score is unimaginative, featuring simpleton accordion melodies for the annoying moments, and pseudo-superhero motifs for the hyperactive moments. Basically, the music is just as likely to knock off a few IQ points as the show itself is. It ain't no "Wonder Pets", let's just say that.

In the "Trading Day" (possibly an outdated "Training Day" reference, meaning it took a long time for this show to be green-lit out of desperation) episode, we meet the equally hyperactive girl, Yo. Time for an outdated reference. She is obsessed with digital pets (a fad that was born in the 90's, and pretty much died there) and Chum Chum. She wants to "own" him so he can fulfill her playground agenda. The kids are revealed to be slaves of commercialism, with every kid buying a toy robot soon after the ad airs. Fanboy imagines owning the toy, which reveals that Fanboy's favorite lunch is a jar of mayonnaise. Yuck. Fanboy fails to buy the toy, becoming the uncool kid in class (as if his hyperactive superhero gig wasn't enough). So, Fanboy makes a deal with Yo, and trades Chum Chum for the toy. Now we are teaching kids that friends and other kids are property? Oh, boy…

Fanboy starts to play with the robot, who is designed to do nearly anything you tell it to do, and never runs out of resources to fulfill these orders. Weird. Yo, meanwhile, is making Chum Chum carry her on his back and run like a pony. Fanboy begins to realize that he made a bad trade. Out of frustration, he tells the robot to "suck an egg" (my kid had better never say that), and the robot grabs a chicken out of thin air and sucks an egg out of it. That was the last straw for me. Some events ensue that destroys the robot, and Yo, who has since placed Chum Chum into a large glass dome to keep him as a human Tamagotchi pet, tells Fanboy that since her robot is broken, he has nothing to trade, therefore making Chum Chum hers (since Chum Chum is still apparently property). Fanboy pleas, and before you know it, they are both seen inside the glass dome, acting out for Yo's amusement.

What can children learn from this show? Well...nothing you want them to. I can tell you I'm sure of that. This show earns an "F", and will probably join the long, long list of cartoons from the 2000's that didn't make it 3 seasons.