Pineapple Express (2008)
Danny McBride: Red
Photos
Quotes
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Red : Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man?
Dale Denton : I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man.
Red : You don't seem chill.
Dale Denton : I'm more chill than you.
Red : You're more chill than me?
Dale Denton : Yeah.
Red : Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?
Dale Denton : A suit.
Red : Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you.
Dale Denton : Well, I don't know if I like you either, man.
Red : Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend.
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Red : I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute.
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Red : You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker!
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Red : I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body.
Dale Denton : Well, you've been shot like seven times.
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Red : Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.
Dale Denton : Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red : Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
Dale Denton : Belongs to me.
Red : Then the dragon.
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Red : I'm just up here, tryin' to get a motherfuckin' scholarship!
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Red : Do you know what today is?
Saul : Tuesday.
Red : This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale Denton : I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red : No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?
Dale Denton : I'm sorry?
Red : Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.
Saul : Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.
Red : Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.
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Red : You don't think I can handle danger?
Dale Denton : What are you talking about?
Saul : You can.
Red : I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.
[He shows them his shaved armpits]
Red : You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro.
Dale Denton : What's the significance of that?
Red : It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.
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Matheson : Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
Red : Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson : You hear that, Ted?
Ted Jones : [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson : What skin color were they?
Red : They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
Matheson : Ted, you hear him?
Ted Jones : Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red : Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...
[Matheson shoots Red]
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Saul : You lied to me.
Red : I did. I lied big time to you.
Saul : Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.
Red : Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.
Saul : I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.
Red : I wanna be inside you, homes.
Saul : No more lies, Red.
Red : This is my moment.
Saul : This is your moment.
[Carol shoots Red]
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Dale Denton : Hey, man, what happened to your lip?
Saul : Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something...
Red : Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.
Saul : Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?
Red : Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes.
Saul : Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?
Red : Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person.
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Red : [Red regains consciousness after shortly passing out from his wounds] I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.
Dale Denton : It's okay. We won't put our dicks in your mouth.
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Red : I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow!
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Red : Do not break down the door! Are you gonna pay for it?
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Red : You assholes, you ruined my portable phone!
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Red : [coughing, after being shot] What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach! I'm gon' die now probably! Man, I had y'all over for dinner - fish tacos! This how you do me?
[gets shot again]
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Red : [Red wakes up and is taped to a chair] Hey, what's up, dudes?
Dale Denton : What's up? Tell us everything now!
Saul : Talk, Red.
Red : I'm gonna flex and bust out of here.
[Red tries to bust out]
Saul : Trapped.
Dale Denton : It's not happening, Red.
Red : Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically fucked.
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Saul : Herpes is for life, bro!
Red : Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin' Vicodin; that really doesn't take down the swelling, though.
Saul : It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!
Red : Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What'd you do?
Saul : Nothing.
Red : You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole.
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Red : [delirious] Today's my cat's birthday.
[passes out]
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Red : [Red talking to Dale] There you go. Why don't you just follow his lead and just chill out, man?
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Red : [before saving Saul] I can't do this. I'm sorry, man. I can't do this. I'm infected. My shit's all fucked up. I need medical attention.
Dale Denton : What do you mean you can't - I thought we just got all pumped up! What was that all about?
Red : Dude, Ted is a fucking murderer! I can't fuck with him! I got a wife, man! She's gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna fuck her! I wanna have sex with her! I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.
Dale Denton : Oh, no! Come on, this could be your moment of redemption!
Red : Fuck that. This'll be your moment.
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Dale Denton : Aren't you angry at Ted?
Red : Yeah, I'm really mad at him...
Dale Denton : Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?
Red : Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him...
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Red : Where you think you're goin', Mr. Wiggles? Get back here! Feisty!
Dale Denton : Saul, help! He's punching my bum! He's punching my bum! I'm done with this!
Red : No, you're not. No, you're not!
Dale Denton : Let's try words! Use WORDS!
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Saul : [Red spits in Saul's eye] HERPES!
Red : [smacks Saul with dustbuster and beats him on the ground] You brought the devil into my house!
Saul : [confused as to why Red is hitting him] We're friends!
Red : I know we are, that's what SUCKS!
Saul : Are you on that meth shit again?
[screams to Dale]
Saul : Dale, he's hurting me!
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Red : Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers.