- Fred Claus: Nick, there's been one thing that's been eating at me since I've been here. That Naughty-Nice List that you got? There's no naughty kids, Nick. They're all good kids. But some of them are scared. And some of them don't feel listened to. Some of them had some pretty tough breaks too. But every kid deserves a present on Christmas.
- Fred Claus: Santa's having some trouble getting the sled off the ground?
- [his mother plugs her ears]
- Mother Claus: [singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells...
- Willie: You sure you wouldn't be more comfortable on bottom?
- Fred Claus: I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference, Willie.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: [after Nick and Fred fight, and crash a snowmobile] I never realized it before. You hate me.
- Fred Claus: I don't hate you, Nick. I just wish you'd never been born.
- Fred Claus: You're gonna get hooked on that thing. I can see it now. Sixteen thousand bags of Cheetos later, you'll wake up, you're thirty-five, you're overweight, you're crying about your life in front of the soaps. I just did you a favor. You get outside, play around, make some friends, play kick the can, do some athletic stuff, go to school, you're comfortable enough to play sports, you get a partial scholarship, you got any ethnic in your background, any ethnicity in your background? I bet you do. It's America, you know what I mean? Find out what it is and put that down on the application for college. Now all the sudden you get a little extra money on the side, Uncle Sam's none the wiser for it. You take that extra money, you buy a motorcycle with it or something. Be a lady. Maybe meet a guy while you're at school. And then you'll get pregnant with child, it works out with the guy, it doesn't work out with the guy, who cares? You're blessed to have that kid in your life. You're going to be athletic, you're going to be a moderate to lukewarm student, and you're gonna have a child before you graduate college. And who are you going to have to thank for all that? Not the big guy in the red suit, but your pal Fred.
- Girl with Plasma TV: Ugh!
- Fred Claus: Sometimes it hurts to grow.
- Willie: [about Fred's slade driving] Are you sure you've never done this before? Because you drive like an absolute pro... who makes a lot of mistakes.
- [Fred is about to launch the sleigh, Clyde blocks it]
- Fred Claus: If you don't get out of my way in three seconds, you're going to make me the happiest guy at the North Pole.
- Clyde: You haven't got the *guts*!
- [three seconds later, Clyde gets run down by the sleigh]
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: [shouts] Fred!
- Fred Claus: [stops walking and turns around to face him]
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: What the blazes have you done? You marked, every naughty child as nice! Are you out of your mind?
- Fred Claus: None of the kids seemed naughty to me, Nick.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Good grief, Fred! You really never see the ramifications of anything, do you? We literally cannot make enough presents, with only three days left. We cannot deliver, all of those presents! Do you see? It's over. Congratulations, Fred! You've cost Christmas, for the whole planet! Everybody! Lithuania, everywhere in Africa, the whole thing! Right down the crapper!
- Fred Claus: Blame it all on me, right? It's all my fault. How convenient for you.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Annette was right about you. Mom was right about you!
- Fred Claus: You know what, save it Nick! Maybe you should look at your own self for a change!
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Oh?
- Fred Claus: You just keep stuffing your face with gingerbread! Fat boy!
- Clyde: Where do you think you're going?
- Fred Claus: Delivering presents.
- Clyde: No, you're not! Santa is the only one who can deliver the presents!
- Willie: No, only a Claus can deliver the presents, and that is a Claus.
- Fred Claus: Only one man's going to walk away from this thing, and I promise you! It's going to be the lightning-quick dude with the big yellow things in his hands! Dig it?
- Fred Claus: This isn't even debatable. I'm not going.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Come on! Ho, ho, ho, I'm not gonna listen to no.
- Fred Claus: Okay, guess what? Here's a book, it's called "Does Fred Go to Dinner?".
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Yeah, uh-huh.
- Fred Claus: [Pretends to hold an imaginary book] You open it up, flip through the pages, look...
- [Flips through imaginary pages]
- Fred Claus: ... and last page, "Fred does not go to dinner. The End." That's it.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: That's fine. The sequel, it's in stores now, you know what it's called?
- [Presses an imaginary doorbell]
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: "Ding-dong, Who's There? Why, it's Fred."
- Jermaine Santa: Show me your papers, clown.
- Fred Claus: Papers? What are you from, the 1950's? I'm on the internet. Look up People Help the People on the internet, you see a picture of me. Why don't you step into the 21st century, dinosaur?
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: [deleted scene] We got Barbies with no heads!
- Fred Claus: Ship them to France and call them the Marie Antoinette Barbie.
- Mother Claus: [at Nick's birthday] Time to cut the cake!
- Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old: [comes with a journal with the name "Nicholas" written on the cover] Here you go, Nicholas! I made this for you. Happy Birthday!
- Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old: I thank you, Frederick!
- Mother Claus: That was very nice, Frederick!
- [Nicholas takes all his presents and leaves]
- Mother Claus: Nicholas, where are you going?
- Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old: There's a poor orphan named Henry who lives down the road. I'm bringing all my gifts to him. He needs them more than I.
- Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old: Do you really think Henry needs a journal with the name "Nicholas" on the cover?
- Mother Claus: Frederick! It's a sacret thing he does! My little Saint Nicholas!
- Narrator: And so it went for Fred...
- DJ Donnie: What up, Brother Fred? Can I get a 'ho ho... '?
- Fred Claus: No.
- DJ Donnie: Ooh, you Scrooge, you lose.
- Willie: Charlene, do you think it's possible we can make enough gifts to meet our quota?
- Charlene: Baseball bats, lose four seconds, 55... Yeah, it is possible.
- Willie: It is, but, Fred, that's not what the kids asked for.
- Fred Claus: Yeah, but all that matters is that each of the kids get a toy. That they have something that they can open when they wake up in the morning. Most importantly, they all know there's somebody who's thinking about them.
- Fred Claus: [teaching Willie how to dance] Now, remember, Willie... dancing is not about dancing, right? It's about connecting. Now, look me in the eye.
- [Willie looks Fred in the eyes]
- Fred Claus: That's great. Now, if I was a girl, I'd get goose bumps with what you just brought. The other great thing about dancing is it's the perfect bridge to a kiss.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Fred. What in the heck are you doing?
- Fred Claus: Nick, let me be completely honest with you here, the DJ is a real problem.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Fred, he's an elf that plays records.
- Fred Claus: Nick, he continued to play the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: [Holds hands up] Got ya. Got ya.
- DJ Donnie: You're not gonna believe this, another request for Here Comes Santa Claus! This time from Beth in accounting. Here you go, Beth.
- Fred Claus: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me with the Santa Claus again?
- [begins to get out of his office]
- Fred Claus: Hey, DJ! DJ Donnie!
- DJ Donnie: What up, Fred?
- Fred Claus: You got to stop playing the same song over and over, it becomes like mental torture!
- DJ Donnie: But, Fred, it's so catchy!
- Fred Claus: [enter the DJ room, his head is bonked] God! Okay, Donnie. It's one song that's being played over and over and over again, and the only thing that breaks that up is you screaming and announcing it's the same song, it would be a nice gesture and your part to play something different.
- DJ Donnie: I said no.
- Fred Claus: Donnie, change the song.
- DJ Donnie: No!
- Fred Claus: Change the song!
- DJ Donnie: NO!
- Fred Claus: You know what? I'm gonna change the song then for you.
- [He began to changing the song. DJ Donnie pushes him away]
- Fred Claus: What you getting physical with me for? Music is supposed to be about love, don't get physical with me!
- [grabs DJ Donnie and puts him away]
- Fred Claus: Come on, we're trying to share around here.
- [DJ Donnie punching him]
- Fred Claus: What are you doing? Stop it, stop it. Come on, this is...
- [DJ Donnie grabbing his leg, grunting]
- Fred Claus: What, you're gonna do it to me? Donnie, you're acting like an untrained dog, will you stop it.
- [begins to grabbing him]
- Fred Claus: Get a hold of yourself. Take a breath, before I... Stop swinging at me, stop. Will you calm down. Okay, you know what? I'm gonna "Supernanny" you.
- [takes DJ Donnie to the closet]
- Fred Claus: I'm going to put you in a naughty cabinet. Because, you don't know how to handle yourself.
- [puts him in the naughty cabinet and he tries push the door]
- Fred Claus: Look at me, calm it down and relax. Stop. Use your words.
- [DJ Donnie tries to bite his hand and he closes the door]
- Fred Claus: I'll let you out once you realize you're sorry and you're ready to turn a corner and be a team player, okay?
- [He began to changing the christmas music to rock music]
- DJ Donnie: [pounding the door] Don't do it! I'll put my elf foot up your butt! I'm from the southside of the North Pole, man! Let me out!
- Wanda: Freddie, I'm mad at you. No, ser- No, I'm seriously mad at you! Two whole days, you don't call me! I try and have a conversation with you about our moving in together and then you just disappear!
- Samuel 'Slam' Gibbons: Y'all drink all the Kool-Aid, fools!
- Orphanage Kid: You just know you're never getting adopted 'cause you're mean!
- Fred Claus: Slam, have you really thought about Santa Claus?
- Samuel 'Slam' Gibbons: Not really.
- Fred Claus: The guy's in a big red suit flying around in reindeer because he craves the spotlight. He's a fame junkie. The guy's a clown. He's a megalomaniac. It's all a big shell game. He presents himself like "Hey, I love to give gifts. Look at me. I'm so nice." He's getting paid. He's got a whole thing happening on the backside. Did you know that they sell more of those Santa statues and those Christmas trinkets than they do of the Buddha?
- Samuel 'Slam' Gibbons: Oh, the big fat dude, that be at the nail salon? He'd be like hmmm.
- Fred Claus: Don't be a cheerleader for Santa Claus, okay? Think about it. Watch the angles. Don't drink the Kool-Aid. You're better than that.
- Samuel 'Slam' Gibbons: I like Kool-Aid.
- Fred Claus: Yeah, but don't drink this Kool-Aid.
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: [to Fred] You are the best big brother anybody could ever ask for.
- [after a while]
- Nick 'Santa' Claus: Ho-ho-ho...
- Fred Claus: [deleted scene] Wanna race? Go.
- [he brushes his teeth]
- Fred Claus: Look at how fast I go. I can get my tongue and the roof.
- Willie: Fred, I don't want to be cheered up right now.
- Fred Claus: What kind of party are you dudes throwing?
- [the secret service elves try to beat up Fred]
- Fred Claus: Airmail it! Airmail it to me right now! Let's get jacked up!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
