- [from trailer]
- Malcolm Caufield: It's a man filled with sand.
- Hugh Caufield: It's a NAKED man.
- Spencer Finch: You don't eat it.
- [from trailer]
- Spencer Finch: Clarissa can do amazinging things with her breasts: they are like weather balloons with gaydar.
- Spencer Finch: In Rubneck, Clarissa is known as "The Pink Widow" because every guy she's ever slept with has turned gay.
- Spencer Finch: And it turns out that he's turned on by the Dewey Decimal System.
- Malcolm Caufield: And we weren't even in the mathematics section.