- Mac: Look, you want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!
- Eddie Cantrow: This is my dad.
- Lila: Oh, hi Dad.
- Doc: Nice to meet you, Lila.
- Lila: How do you know my name?
- Doc: Okay, cat's out of the bag. My son found your panties on the sidewalk and we've been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies.
- 10 Year Old Girl: Are you like a widow or something?
- Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.
- 10 Year Old Girl: Sorry.
- 12 Year Old Twin: He's full of it. He's gay.
- Eddie Cantrow: No. I'm not gay.
- 12 Year Old Twin: Let's play 5 in 5 then.
- Eddie Cantrow: What is that?
- 12 Year Old Twin: It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.
- Eddie Cantrow: [shrugs] Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.
- 12 Year Old Twin: Quick - how'd your wife die?
- Eddie Cantrow: Murdered.
- 12 Year Old Twin: How?
- Eddie Cantrow: Icepick.
- 12 Year Old Twin: They get the guy?
- Eddie Cantrow: Yeah.
- 12 Year Old Twin: What was his name?
- Eddie Cantrow: Ronald.
- 12 Year Old Twin: Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?
- Eddie Cantrow: Brad Pitt.
- 12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin: [point and laugh victoriously]
- Eddie Cantrow: No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...
- Doc: Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it!
- Doc: So, what's new Eddie? Anything exciting?
- Eddie Cantrow: Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that's been kind of cool.
- Doc: Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin' any pussy?
- Eddie: I think there's been a mistake, 'cuz I'm at table 34, but that's the kids table.
- Wedding Coordinator: Oh, oh, that's not the kids table, that's the singles table. Enjoy...
- Lila: I wouldn't change a darn thing because it made me who I am today, and do you know who I am today?
- Eddie Cantrow: Who are you.
- Lila: I'm Mrs. Edmond Cantrow.
- Eddie Cantrow: Edward.
- Lila: Edward? You didn't tell me that!
- Eddie Cantrow: [to the 12 Year Old Twins] You know what? Why don't you take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road. Homophobic hobbits.
- Eddie Cantrow: You're in debt? What kind of debt?
- Lila: You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people.
- Eddie Cantrow: I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.
- Buzz: Oh, you're too much. Really?
- Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed me down and -
- [growls]
- Eddie Cantrow: [everyone stops laughing]
- Eddie Cantrow: It was not pretty.
- [pause]
- Gayla: Did you file charges?
- Eddie Cantrow: No, I...
- Miranda: He was making a joke, Gayla.
- Deborah: About anal rape...?
- Eddie Cantrow: Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?
- Tito: Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?
- Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.
- Tito: I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.
- Eddie Cantrow: Oh.
- Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.
- Tito: Eddie, What are you doing?
- Eddie Cantrow: I'm just hanging with my brother, My brother Manuel.
- Tito: Eddie, People are looking for you ah! Your father keeps calling, And The Mac is trying to track you down. And what I supposed to tell the American girl... The... Miranda? What do I tell her?
- Eddie Cantrow: Miranda?
- Tito: Yes, Her family flew home, But she didn't! And she's been everywhere searching for you!
- Eddie Cantrow: [With a smile] She Has?
- Tito: [laughing] Screw off! I'm joking man! That chick run for the hills! You should seen your face! You were so happy for a moment, You were like ha! I can't believe I got you again!
- Eddie Cantrow: Oh, excuse me.
- Flamboyant Man: Yeah.
- Eddie Cantrow: Hey, are you running this whole thing?
- Flamboyant Man: Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.
- Eddie Cantrow: No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.
- Flamboyant Man: Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.
- [the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]
- Wedding Coordinator: [in a sing-song voice] Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!
- [simpering]
- Wedding Coordinator: How can I help you?
- [after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]
- Eddie Cantrow: Hey. Listen, Tito, I need you to do me a big, big favor.
- Tito: 300 pesos.
- Eddie Cantrow: You don't even know what it is yet.
- Tito: It is something nasty, or you would be doing it yourself.
- Eddie Cantrow: All right, fine.
- Eddie Cantrow: [about Lila] She doesn't have a great sense of humor.
- Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...
- Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.
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