The Wild Ones

Porn star Steve Drake added writng, producing and directing to his credits in this amazingly flat biker movie. Apparently a personal project of his, it's a failure in all categories.

Despite the title, it's hard to imagine a more listless crime/action movie. Yes, there's a crime, but no action. He and John Decker play two nowhere guys riding their motorcycles, who stop to help lovely blonde Nico Treasures when she has car trouble. They rest at a motel and Drake has sex with her, while misogynist Decker is just mean and irritating.

They involve Nico as their getaway car driver when they break into a house to get some money and jewelry, and in a most improbable scene, when the owners of the place show up, they f*ck tghe wie while the meek husband watches, an instant cuckold (for porn fans who dig cuckold scenes). Nici Sterling is really slumming here, while Mike Horner evidently showed up as a favor to Drake.

Drake leaves out the ending of the scene (other than a cum shot) and sets a pattern that indicates the rest of the movie will be arbitrary. A completely extraneous scene of Julie Rage and Barbie Bond having Sapphic sex in a bubble bath, joined by Peter North for a 3-way, is included, independent of the rest of the story.

Nico is sorry she joined up with the two schlubs, and later phones tearfully her friend Crystal Breeze, who visits her to offer support, and provide a second lesbian sex scene. Afterward, Crystal suggests a bit of revenge, so she gives an anonymous tip and -presto! -the movie ends with a couple of cops taking Dekker and Drake into custody. It's about as uninteresting an ending as any movie could aspire to.

The best scene is when Drake tells his terminally bored buddy Decker that he's tired of this life, and decides: "You might laugh, but I'm thinking about getting into adult movies". That leaves Decker at a loss for words. It does raise a burning question: how could the porn industry's Awards bodies fail to recognize Drake for Best Screenplay of 1996?