- [first lines]
- Tabatha Bag: Oh, the place hasn't changed a bit. Depressing as ever.
- T-Shirt: Looks great to me.
- Tabatha Bag: Yes, well you didn't have to spend the first four hundred years of your life here, did you?
- T-Shirt: I can't wait to meet your mother. Is she anything like you? Or isn't she into biting the heads off live chickens?
- Tabatha Bag: My mother's nothing like me.
- T-Shirt: Ah, things are looking up.
- Tabatha Bag: Leaving home was the best move I ever made.
- T-Shirt: Anybody would think you didn't like living with your mother.
- Tabatha Bag: I felt like Pinocchio trapped in a lift with a woodpecker. Peck, peck, peck.
- Mumsie: Don't forget I'm the mug that had to change your nappies.
- Tabatha Bag: Mumsie, remember, every mother has to do that.
- Mumsie: Yes, but not for thirtytwo years.
- Pepe: Papa, we have a guest.
- Marguerita: Ah! Welcome, welcome.
- [taking T. Shirt's hand]
- Marguerita: Mamma mia, your tiny hand is frozen.
- [burst out in song]
- Marguerita: Let me warm it into life! Ha!
- Marguerita: Marguerita, get the boy a paper hat, velocemente.
- T-Shirt: Oh, eh, oh, this is very kind, but - oh...
- [Marguerita puts the paper hat on T. Shirts head]
- Pepe: This is my papa, Pepe Pepperoni.
- Marguerita: That's easy for you to say.
- [laughs]
- Pepe: We are the flying Pepperoni.
- Marguerita: The smallest, greatest show on earth.
- Pepe: The littlest big top in town.
- Mumsie: Good King Wenceslas is coming here for his Christmas dinner, oh the honour. The neighbours will be greener than a field full of sea-sick cabbages.
- Pepe: If only dear old Poco was still with us.
- Marguerita: Si, si, papa. He was the best clown in the business.
- Pepe: Unfortunately, he was also the worst fire-eater.
- Mumsie: Well, I'll drop you a postcard from the Matterhorn.
- [leaves, mouth 'bye' to T. Shirt]
- Tabatha Bag: [to T. Shirt] Better still, drop yourself from the Matterhorn.
- Old King Wenceslas: [disguised as a beggar] Show a bit of seasonal cheer lady.
- Tabatha Bag: Oh, bug off, you little rat faced ferret, before I rip out your tongue and whip you black and blue with it.
- Old King Wenceslas: I take that as a no, then?
- Tabatha Bag: Bug off!
- [last lines]
- Tabatha Bag: [picking up a giant Christmas cracker] Shall we?
- Mumsie: Why not? I could do with a good laugh.