Fish Without a Bicycle

"Fish Without a Bicycle" is more like "Script Without an Independent Thought," and there's minimal unintentional comedy in the directorial debut of "Beverly Hills 90210" alum Brian Austin Green. BAG's direction is pretty empty (empty bag- get it) but Hitchcock, Kubrick or Kurosawa couldn't have saved this one.

Writer/star Jenna Mattison is a disaster; physically, the big hair and unnatural Joker smile are really distracting, and her character Julianna is a child emotionally. Jules leaves a good guy (Brad Rowe) for a bad guy (Bryan Callen), and if that doesn't work out, there's another good guy (BAG) waiting with baited breath. She has an equally unlikable best friend Vicki, who influences Jules to date more using some metaphor about eating lots of cheeses until you find your favorite. You're so profound Vicki, even if you're a girl who looks like "The Crow" and the singer from AFI simultaneously. Then Jules meets a homeless women who has similarly oversimplified advice like "Sometimes you gotta be lost to find your way." Come on Jules, that's your sage??

Callen ("Mad TV," "Fat Actress") is pretty funny as the pompous play director who wants Jules, gets her, doesn't want her, wants someone else and then wants her back, but if that's the lone selling point of the film, yikes. Vicki's late revelation makes no sense given how self-important she is, Ronnie is not at all how Yankee fans act, and BAG's character Ben is a fool if he goes along with Jules' final plan, which not surprisingly, is no plan at all. The biggest regret of "Fish Without a Bicycle" is not giving enough time to Jules' "Cowgirl's Blues," so we could see a bad actress play a bad actress acting poorly in a play.