Dan Cortese, Bianca Kajlich, and Carl Anthony Payne II in Rock Me, Baby (2003)

Quotes

Rock Me, Baby

Jimmy: It's been 10 weeks since Otis was born and you combine that with the last nine weeks of pregnancy and we haven't done it in almost five months. I miss it in there.
Beth: I know, it's just... Well, last time it was in there for nine months and it kinda trashed the place.
Jimmy: OK, fair enough. Any other vacancies in the building?

[Jimmy and Carl wake up spooning]
Carl: How much beer did we drink?
Jimmy: Is my hand on your ass?
Carl: Yes.
Jimmy: Too much!

Carl: How do you like your steak?
Jimmy: Like I like my Childhood Mutism: very rare.

[Jimmy wants to have sex]
Jimmy: I'll take care of him until midnight, even though I get up at four, if you just take one for the team.
Beth: Take one for the team?
Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, you know, like when a baseball player gets hit by a pitch on purpose. It doesn't feel good but you do it for the team.

Jimmy: Thanks a lot, Otis. You know, when you're 18 and about to get some, I'm gonna pee on you.

Boyle: You know what it means when a morning D.J. yawns on the air?
Jimmy: Yeah, he's tired.
Boyle: No, he's dead. The only thing that makes people change their stations faster is four in a row by Kenny G.

Boyle: I told you, there's no room for kids in morning radio. They make you lose your edge. That's why I never had kids.
Jimmy: Really? I thought it was because no one would do you... I'm sorry... I mean for free.

Kate: They're dying to see you and your new boobs.
Beth: They are pretty awesome, aren't they?
Kate: Yeah. I hate babies but I'm thinkin' about gettin' knocked up just to get a pair.

Jimmy: Before your wife has the baby she is a sex machine. Ok, after the baby is born, the ol' sex machine shuts down for a while and, uh... Well, you gotta use the hand crank.

Beth: OK, so I left CPR instructions on the counter right next to the number for poison control.
Jimmy: Poison control? You think I'm gonna poison him?
Beth: No! But if you do, the number's on the counter.

Jimmy: You're putting beer in Otis' bottles.
Carl: Hey, you're the one who named him after the town drunk from Mayberry.

Jimmy: Dude, you just drank breast milk. That's Beth.
Kevin: Got Beth?

Jimmy: Dude, being a dad changes you. I mean, every time I look down at this little guy I realize that he needs me to take care of him. I've never loved anything so much.
Carl: Wow, sounds like being a dad changes you--into a woman.

Carl: Man, I hate it when strippers talk about their kids.

Jimmy: You're better at diapers than me. You get to all the nooks and crannies. The kid's like an English muffin down there.

Beth: You've seen how tired I am. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a chore.
Jimmy: Oh, so sex is a chore now?
Beth: Well you did put it on my to-do list.
Jimmy: Yeah, and I'm still waitin' for you to do me.

Jimmy: I think we should consider traditional gender roles. You gather the laundry, dishes, and diapers and I will hunt for bison... and porn on the Internet.

Beth: We need parent friends. If we had friends with babies, we'd know how they do it.
Jimmy: Honey, I know how they do it. Same as we did: busted condom.

Carl: Hey, I found this new sports bar where we can watch the game. It's kinda like Hooters only it's for butts. It's called Assies.

Pam: Can you see my nipples in this picture?
Beth: Nope. No nippage.
Pam: Damn! I gotta get these reshot. It's for the cover of my demo CD and the title is "Caught in the Headlights!"

Pam: I often forget guys that annoy me. I call it Pamnesia.

Pam: Babies, football, and Carl. Who knew they served quiche in hell?

Beth: This is just my "I had no idea you were gay" look.

Beth: I'm sorry, you just didn't seem... the type.
Steve: Why, because I don't have six-pack abs? You know, pudgy guys like having sex with men too.

Kelly: Were you guys gonna watch the game?
Jimmy: Yeah, but we can go in the kitchen and eat quiche if you'd like.
Kelly: Listen, I'm gay but I'm not that gay.

Kelly: Hey, what a great Sunday! I get to watch the game while your wife entertains the old balls-and-chain... You heard me!

Kelly: I love Assies! You do know that it's a gay sports bar, right?
Jimmy: No, really? So the waitresses are...
Kelly: Waiters.
Jimmy: And the assies are...
Kelly: To die for!

Jimmy: You're still my partner and my best buddy and I-and I'm watching the Broncos with you.
Carl: What about your new gay friend?
Jimmy: I'll blow him off. God, I hope this mic isn't on.

Jimmy: All gay guys are cool.
Carl: Hey, I thought all Black guys were cool.
Jimmy: No, not since the '80s. Urkel screwed that up for you.

Jimmy: I'm a dad. I can't be doing drugs anymore.
Carl: Apparently you don't watch The Osbournes.

Pam: It's me, Pam. Open the door, it's an emergency!
Beth: What's the matter?
Pam: I'm hungry!

Pam: I was meetin' a blind date for dinner tonight but there was a problem.
Beth: What was the problem?
Pam: He was ugly. And I'm not blind!

Jimmy: Smell my breath. Does it smell like pot?
Carl: No. Smells like feet and ass.
Kevin: Here, I've got some minty breath spray. My breath smells like ass too, but not the good kind.

Jimmy: It's time we start acting like grownups... but I'm still watching "Spongebob".

[Jimmy smokes pot but doesn't tell Beth]
Carl: As Johnnie Cochran would say, "If you take a hit, you must omit."

Carl: Jimmy was just telling me he's gonna get some life insurance. Kind of a Ward Cleaver thing to do, isn't it, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Well, Carl, it is my job to protect the Beaver.

[Jimmy takes out a million-dollar insurance policy on himself]
Jimmy: Yeah, I want Beth to be taken care of but, you know, I don't wanna give her too much incentive to have me whacked.
Carl: Man, for a million dollars, I'd whack ya.
Jimmy: OK, when you say "whack", you mean "kill", right?
Carl: Either way.

Beth: Did you sleep with any hookers or kill anyone?
Jimmy: Oh, you got me. I slept with a hooker and then I killed her. And just for fun, I kicked a puppy.

Pam: Guys are always askin', "How many guys have you been with before me? Be honest." And then you tell'em 28 and suddenly they start lookin at you different.
Beth: 28?
Pam: Imagine if I'd told the truth!

Pam: Why do women start saying things like "diapee" and "poopie" after they have a kid?
Beth: Sounds better than "feces" and "pee-catcher".

Beth: I'm a terrible mother!
Pam: See, that's why I take the pill twice a day. I'm goin to take a bonus one right now.

Beth: I'm not angry.
Jimmy: Damn! I was hopin' for make-up sex.

Jimmy: If I have to clip one more coupon I'm gonna slit my wrists. Oh, that reminds me, I have a coupon for Band-Aids.

Bill: Man, you look as white as the cast of Friends.

Beth: You'll find another job.
Jimmy: Beth, once you've blown chunks in a chopper, there's not a lot of places to go.

Pam: Beth, you're the boss, and as the boss, it's your job to make him think that he's the boss.
Beth: What the hell are you talking about?
Pam: I don't know. I saw it on "Who's the Boss?"

Beth: So you're sure you're OK with me sticking my nose in your business?
Jimmy: Oh, yeah! Yeah, I love that... Oh, you mean *business* business.

Jimmy: There probably are a lot of jobs that are tougher than being a mom. What about those guys that have to clean out the port-o-johns from outdoor rock concerts?
Carl: I've been in those things. I don't think that job exists.

Beth: We could have a dinner party. Like, with real grownup conversation and we could finally use our crystal and china and linen napkins. And we'll make a gourmet meal...
Jimmy: And Jello shots.
Beth: Yes!

Carl: You took your baby to a cop movie? That's like taking your mother to a porno.

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Dan Cortese, Bianca Kajlich, and Carl Anthony Payne II in Rock Me, Baby (2003)

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By what name was Rock Me, Baby (2003) officially released in Canada in English?

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