The Stabilizer

I would like to start by saying I can only hope that the makers of this movie and it's sister film The Intruder (directed by the great unheralded stylist auteur that is Jopi Burnama) know in their hearts just how much pleasure they have brought to me and my friends in the sleepy north eastern town of Jarrow.

From the opening pre credit sequence which manages to drag ever so slightly despite containing a man crashing through a window on a motorbike, the pitiless destruction of a silence lab, the introduction of one of the most simultaneously annoying and anaemic bad guys in movie history and costume design that Jean Paul Gautier would find ott and garish. Make no mistake; this is a truly unique experience. Early highlight - an explosion (get used to it, plenty more where that came from!) followed by a close up of our chubby heroine and the most hilarious line reading of the word "dad" in living memory. And then... the theme song...

Yeah, this deserves its own paragraph. Sung by AJ, written by people who really should wish to remain anonymous, it makes the songs written for the Rocky films sound like Schubert. This is crap 80's hero motivation narcissism at an all time high, with choice lyrics such as "its only me and you, its come down to the wire" and much talk of having to "cross the line" (it'll make sense in time - our hero cares little for the boundaries of bona fida police work) abounding. Not to mention the Indonesian Supremes cooing the film's title seductively. At this point anyone wishing to switch off officially has no pulse.

Our hero is Semitic cop Peter Goldson (essayed brilliantly by Intruder star Peter O'Brien), the "stabilizer" of the title. The man's bull in a china shop approach to crime fighting and particularly his less than inconspicuous undercover work truly leaves much to be desired, but he is without question an entertaining guide through the mean streets of downtown Jakarta, with local sleaze ball connection Captain Johnny in tow, as well as Peter's own waste of space partner in fashion crime Sylvia Nash, who does little. So many highlights, so little time - the "slide please" arrogance of Peter's not all too convincingly argued case against chief baddie Greg Rainmaker (Intruder fans will know hirsute slimy bastard Craig Gavin as the monstrous John White - helluva name eh? No! Oh well...), the x marks the spot location map stupidity, our hero taking horrible advantage of heroine Tina Probost during a moment of weakness on her behalf, the latter turning up at a sting operation dressed like a member of a particularly flamboyant dancing troop. And believe me that barely covers it.

There wasn't even time to go into the plot revolving around the hunt for a drug detection system and a kidnapped professor with an alarming but commendable amount of national pride. Or our hero turning up at a funeral dressed as if an extra on Boogie Nights. Or the absolutely hysterical craic between Captain Johnny and Goldson - two guys have never made more heavy weather of buddy buddy shtick than these clowns. The trowel was possibly too subtle me thinks.

Ah it tails off people, and you never thought scenes of wanton destruction and general mayhem could be so unbelievably boring, but the character interaction is stupendous, the dialogue truly priceless and the incompetence on show somehow endearing. Oh and the shoes people - watch out for the shoes!