- Money Mike: [to Donna] Speaking of cockroaches, where was yo antennas when them two niggas was robbin' me?
- Damon: Craig and Day-Day.
- Day-Day: Ohh...
- Damon: Just the niggas I need to see.
- Craig Jones: Yo, yo... what's up O.G. Triple O.G... O.G. triple... triple O.G.?
- Day-Day: You got out last night?
- Damon: I haven't seen ya'll in about 12 years, nigga.
- Day-Day: I know, I was little...
- Damon: You're grown up now, though. Give a nigga a hug, dog.
- Day-Day: I'm about to go...
- [Craig grabs Day-Day and runs him into Damon]
- Damon: [Damnon grabs Day-Day] Yeah, man. It's cool, dog. It's cool. Come here. Yeah, right there.
- Damon: [Damon looks at Craig] Group hug, nigga!
- Day-Day: Come on, Craig!
- [Craig walks to Damon]
- Craig Jones: What's up, dog.
- Damon: What's up, nigga.
- Damon: It's good to be home. 'Cause in prison dog, hey... ain't nothing but the fellas, nigga.
- Day-Day: I heard.
- Craig Jones: [beaten up Moly walks in Barbeque restaurant] Daaaamn!
- Day-Day: [imitating Moly] Someone call 9-1-1
- Mr. Jones: Moly... you got knocked the fuck out!
- Moly: Oh, good observation, buddy.
- [looks to Craig and Day-Day]
- Moly: Where were you buddies, huh?
- Craig Jones: We was on our lunch break.
- Day-Day: Trying to get something to eat, so we can secure this nasty-ass lot.
- Moly: Good, good, good... you were eating while I was getting beating.
- Day-Day: Looks like somebody beat the bricks off your motherfucking ass.
- Moly: You are supposed to be a security guard, buddy, no?
- Day-Day: [pretending to be olivious] We are security, ain't that a bitch?
- Craig Jones: We are security guards.
- Money Mike: [Damon splashes water on Money Mike] Did you pee on me?
- Damon: Wake yo' bitch-ass up, lucky charms. I like my fish wet and squirmy.
- Money Mike: I thought I was dreaming. You almost drowned me, nigga.
- Damon: Oh, you're dreaming. This is a wet dream.
- Craig Jones: [walks into kitchen to discover Burglar dressed as Santa Claus eating a sandwich]
- Craig Jones: What the hell you doing in my house; eating a big ass sandwich and shit?
- Santa Claus: Nigga, I'm Santa Claus; where the FUCK the milk and cookies?
- Damon: [while Money Mike has plyers on his testicles] ya know maybe we can get to know each other
- Money Mike: Shut up! The hell you talkin bout! I am a boy! You are not in prison anymore Damon! Thats not how we do it!
- [Squeezes plyers]
- Santa Claus: You remind me of them old players that hang out in the clubs wit da young girls.
- Uncle Elroy: You know, you remind me of a young nigga that's fuckin' with the wrong old nigga!
- Craig Jones: [about Moly] He ran the whole strip mall and he owned Holy Moly Donuts. But trust me, don't never ever, ever, EVER. Ever, ever, EVER eat there.
- Sister Sarah: [after being accosted by Craig and Day-Day] Let's go in the church and we're gonna pray for these niggas.
- Day-Day: All I want is two fat bitches that smell like cheeeseburgers so Chico can lick on'em, and a two year supply of rolling paper.
- Money Mike: [Craig hands him back his razor] Never know when I might need this. Might come in handy. Might wanna shave. Might wanna shave somebody else. Never know.
- Santa Claus: Gimme that watch!
- [Elroy's Rolex]
- Uncle Elroy: Oh, no. Not the Roley!
- Santa Claus: Now it's a Stoley. Gimme the watch! Looking like a Mississippi pimp. Bitch better have my sweet potatoes. Ho, ho, ho, Top Flight Security. Merry christmas motherfucker!
- Day-Day: One of them said they was gonna suck my dick from the back. I'm tryin' to see what that be like!
- Officer Dix: For the second time, y'all got jacked by Santa Claus?
- Day-Day: Yeah.
- Officer Hole: Black guy, wasn't it?
- Day-Day: No, this was a nigga that did this.
- Craig Jones: [getting robbed] I ain't got nothin' but twenty funky-ass dollars.
- Santa Claus: Oughta shoot yo broke ass.
- Mrs. Jones: [Mrs. Pearly has seduced Willie] Willie, get yo ass off that heifer!
- Mr. Jones: Betty!
- Craig Jones: Daddy, get yo ass off that heifer!
- Mr. Jones: Think of this: last year around this time you'd won the lotto. Over a million dollars. Anybody else would be livin' in the French Riviera. You back here kickin' with me at Bros. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-barbecue.
- Craig Jones: Jumpin' up like you Mr. Get Bad. Where da fuck was you when he was beatin' my ass wit dat tree?
- Money Mike: [holding Damon by the testicles with a pair of pliers] Hold these til I get in the car.
- Craig Jones: Dude, I ain't about to touch his nuts or them vice grips.
- Money Mike: Oh yes you are.
- Craig Jones: No I'm not.
- Money Mike: Yes you are!
- Craig Jones: Bullshit.
- Money Mike: This is yo party. Yo pliers. His nuts. In yo hands!
- Damon: Who's that?
- Craig Jones: That's, uh... that's Donna.
- Damon: Who da nigga she with?
- Craig Jones: Oh, that's just Money Mike, little Lucky Charms, micro-mini pimp.
- Damon: Yeah, that nigga look magically delicious.
- Craig Jones: [after Santa got hit by Pinky's limo] Should I tell him?
- Day-Day: Let's both tell him.
- Craig Jones, Day-Day: You got knocked da FUCK out!
- Craig Jones: Biatch!
- Craig Jones: I convince Donna's fine ass to come back to the party. I got her in my room, slid the dresser behind the door, and got myself a early Christmas present.
- [door closes]
- Craig Jones: *You know*!
- Old man w/ shotgun: Come on out there! I know you're in here!
- Old man w/ shotgun: Respect my gangster!
- Craig Jones: About a year ago, my pops quit his dog-catching job and went into business with my uncle Elroy. They ran this spot called Brothers Barbecue. Taste so good, make you wanna slap yo' mama. You might have seen the commercial.
- Uncle Elroy: Ya'll tired of eatin' that barbecue from up the street? Where they give you more sauce than they give you meat? Then bring your big ass down to Bros. Barbecue, 15837 South Crenshaw Boulevard, that's right off Manchester. Bros. Barbecue, tastes so good, make you wanna slap yo' mama! Don't it, Willie?
- Mr. Jones: Yeah, boy! Hey, mama?
- Grandma Jones: What the hell you want, Willie?
- [Willie slaps her]
- Uncle Elroy: Ain't but one location, so it's nearest you.
- Craig Jones: You might have missed it. They only had enough money for a 15-second spot. Well, my pops hooked us up with a job as Christmas help security.
- Bad Boy #1: Man he don't look like no reindeer, he look like a pit bull. Giddy up pit bull.
- Uncle Elroy: You better stop jumpin' up and down before I have to bite you or something.
- Bad Boy #1: Can you lock your jaws and shake like a pit bull.
- Uncle Elroy: Yeah, want me to show you?
- Money Mike: [while holding Damon's balls with a vice grips] Are you a music lover, Damon?
- Damon: Y... yes
- Money Mike: Well, have you ever heard of the nutcracker?
- [squeezes Damon's balls with the vice grips]
- Day-Day: All want Santa Claus is two fat bitches and a bag of weed and two bag of chips to give to the fat bitches
- Money Mike: Do y'all got a bathroom up in here? I gotta piss like a Russian racehorse at the Kentucky Derby with a glue truck behind it.
- Mr. Jones: I look better than you!
- Uncle Elroy: You don't!
- Mr. Jones: I cook better than you!
- Uncle Elroy: You can't!
- Mr. Jones: My dick is bigger than yours!
- Uncle Elroy: It was cold that night!
- Craig Jones: That's right. Got my ass back in the projects. The only place where you get robbed by Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.
- Santa Claus: [robbing Craig and Day-Day's refrigerator] Damn, these niggas are broke. Got no Christmas ham in here...
- Craig Jones: Tasha, how do we look?
- Tasha: Like a couple of rent-a-cops.
- Day-Day: What about them rented titties?
- Craig Jones: Yo, Mama. Big Mama, you alright?
- Grandma Jones: Who are you?
- Craig Jones: It's Craig, Mama. Your oldest grandson. The smart one. Not Day-Day.
- Day-Day: [to a trio of elderly carolers] Y'all are trying to use the lord to sell pussy on this corner.
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