User reviews

There is so much to say about this film. None of it is good. Sometimes I wonder if film festivals, and Artisan Entertainment in particular exist so weirdos and nutcases, i.e. people who truly should NOT be allowed to make movies, can make movies. Don't take my statement wrong. Film festivals often ensure that worthy directors, writers, actors, etc., hit the spotlight and have a chance to become great. I KNOW this. But geez, with stuff like this coming out of them... violence for the sake of violence, murder, extremely thinly veiled references to sex and sex objects (I mean the disinfectant scene with the worm makes you suspect, but then she talks about the worm being phallic just in case we were mysteriously struck blind), and the language are almost unforgivable. We're supposed to believe that they're criminals and that criminals swear naturally, but to imagine these people as felons we'd have to be on drugs. The lead protagonist, while attempting to play someone who's tough and not afraid to die, is so pathetically thin and pale that you simply can't believe he's done time. His 'Second In Command', so to speak, cries at one point in the movie because the other felons 'make fun of him'. Another of the four criminals, played by Dave Pressler, actually gives a good shot at doing his part, and you really feel for him at a couple of points during the movie. The last, the woman playing Lauren, has so few lines of dialogue that you can't really tell if she's a good actor or not. Maybe that's a good thing.

The last gripe I have is about the 'special effects'. Most of them are extremely over done. Bullet holes smoke like a Yosemite Sam cartoon, ricochets throw off bright blue sparks like downed power lines, during a chase scene that should never have happened in the first place everyone seems to be on roller skates (I can just HEAR the smug voice of the writer/producer saying to himself 'oooh, it's art') and idiotic little squealing tire and whoosh effects accompany actor movements from time to time that just leave you shaking your head and trying hard to stop the fingers of one of your hands from pressing the eject button. I maybe should have given in, it had more sense than I did. By the way, are the drag queens an attempt to satirize the lifestyle or were their parts simply a favor done for someone in the movie biz to get the video distributed? They are unnecessary and rather... sickening.

An EXTREMELY pointless and slow-witted movie with one or two funny and/or interesting scenes (read 10 seconds) which is why I gave it a 2/10 and not 1/10. Oooh, look, it's art!

-The Dude

a 6 average? Ridiculuos. I saw a preview for this movie, and admittedly it looked interesting. i did notice it was shot on video, but it looked like it had some blood and monsters, demons, whatever. So i checked the good ole IMDB, and saw a fairly high rating, so holding my breath I gave it a shot. What did I get: The usual boring amateurish crapp representative of every SOV production. It's trash folks, plain and simple. I will admit some of the acting was decent (the hispanic woman was pretty good, and deserves better opportunities), but this is a piece of junk apparently lauded only by a bunch of independent film fan boy geeks, willing to praise anything not financed by a studio. Nothing happens in this movie and it feels like a cheesy soap opera for the most part, and no, what I thought were monsters in the preview were nowhere in the film.

The experience of watching this movie is akin to watching a train wreck and loathing yourself for the indulgence afterward.

There's virtually nothing redeeming that I can say about this exercise in cinematic excrement.

Correction, there IS one. While perhaps not the worst movie ever made - so long as Battlefield Earth is still in circulation - this movie is DEFINITELY the worst digital-video-transferred-to-film flick yet to come down the pipe (notice the sewer analogy there).

Simply put, the film is a mess. It reeks of pretentiousness, is chock full of bad acting (and after watching it I really don't know or care if the acting was intentionally bad or just naturally so), terrible writing and a completely lame and pointless plot.

The real villains of this film are Artisan, the same company that brought the Blair Witch Project to cinema screens.

These jokers have pulled every lie and deceptive marketing trick in the book in packaging this travesty.

To begin, there's the box cover art, followed by the plot outline on the back. Taken together one is led to believe that the film is a grade B thriller with an interesting story premise.

WRONG!

If only it were that. Instead of a simple yet crackerjack story about four people who act as go-betweens in the purchase of a strange creature locked in a box, we are treated to gobbledygook that involves copious and ludicrous gunplay, a battle to the death with ninja transvestites, and a creature that looks like a modified Doc Johnson sex toy that psychoanalyses its victims to death.

There is only one way to get anything remotely resembling payback on your rental investment, not to mention the 90 minutes of your life that it will end up wasting, and that is to watch it with some friends where you can mock the thing to scorn. Just make sure there aren't any bricks handy as someone might very well be tempted to lob one at the TV fairly early on.

OK, I had more fun watching Microwave Massacre that this steaming loaf. I enjoy a good B-Movie with some beer and a buddy, but this one hurt. I have a friend and we get together to watch what we term "Schmeg Movies". We enjoy the low budget gag/horror films. We have survived the likes of Manos The Hands Of Fate, Jack Frost 1&2, Psycho From Texas, Street Trash, Brain Damage, etc... But this movie was one of those where the people involved took themselves WAY to seriously! They actually thought they were making "Pulp Fiction" meets "Dead Alive" or something of the sort! The whole thing is very weak! It even looks like it was shot on a home video camera! Artisan should be ashamed of themselves for marketing this piece of trash like it is a real movie! Even the DVD case is deceiving! From the looks of it you are getting a real movie. 16x9 anamorphic, DD 5.1, commentary, etc..... You have been warned.......

This movie has to be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. This movie is the definition of B-Movie's It's horrible, and not even funny horrible! Some films your just like wow that was so bad it's funny, but no, with this movie your like, wow that was so bad it makes me want to rip out and swollow my own eyes. Even though it is the worst movie ever made you should still watch it, just to be able to say I have seen the most HORRIBLE movie ever created!

Thats all I have to say! Bye

hor·ri·ble Pronunciation Key (hôr-bl, hr-) adj. 1. Arousing or tending to arouse horror; dreadful: `War is beyond all words horrible' (Winston S. Churchill). 2. Very unpleasant; disagreeable. 3. The movie "The Item"

First thing i have to say: this is the worst movie in movie history. I rented this movie based on the cover alone. I'd honestly say the cover art may have cost two times as much as the entire video. I hate putting Independent movies down but this had to be said. I could honestly make a movie with my camera and friends in two days three to make a story line and it would be better than this. This is by far the worst movie I've ever seen. And I am 99% positive it really cannot get any worse. plain and simple the worst movie ever to be thought of or made.

Although I say this movie should be rented so you can experience first hand the worst movie ever. It truly shows how bad a movie can get. On a good note the movie is actually so bad that your interested in staying and watching it to see how much worse it can really get and it provides a good source of comedy (that wasn't intended). If this directors goal was to make the worst movie ever he succeeded in every way possible.

i can honestly say this movie has haunted me since the night i watched it 11 years ago when i was 9 yrs old. my mother would often rent me and my little brother movies, particularly horror films, and then would obviously leave us alone to watch them while she went about her business. So as you can imagine, me and my brother were very confused at what exactly we were viewing, me being 9 him 7. The scene that is forever burned into my mind was when the girl had some sort of sexual encounter with the giant penis worm alien, who had some sort of penis worm alien tentacle if i recall correctly. Who knows? maybe i created this disturbing memory, or could it be real? i haven't seen the movie since so i don't know the answer. Confused is an understatement. Side note: my mother often just picked a movie according to the cover art without further investigation, so me and my bro always ended up watching some kind of soft core porn as a result, this one being a fonder memory, along with movies that featured topless women answering telephone calls or doing topless detective work on some sort of tropical island resort. fond memories, good childhood.

I went to this expecting....well, I had no idea what to expect, but I imagined it'd be pointless gore with a badly written plot and idiotic dialogue. Yes, there was tons of pointless gore, but there's nothing wrong with that when properly used. But, to my surprise, it was funny, well-written, and the best damned movie I've ever seen about a 40 lb. psychic worm. It also definitely beats any other movie with such a ridiculous idea like floating brains and creeping hands, with some of the freakiest scenes I've ever sat through and one of the best scenes of girl-on-psychic worm action ever plausible, with a great ending. If only there were more psychic worms that reveal people's inner truths, this world would be a lot better place.

This film was ridiculously bad. I think whoever picked it out at the video store merely mistook it for another. First and foremost the film is shot using what appears to be a $20 video camera found by the producers at a Madison, WI Goodwill Store. The massive amounts of fake blood are so overdone its comical. The acting is similar to that of a pornographic film in quality. Any attempt to portray this film as "artsy" or to suggest that I merely missed the ideas and or themes could only come from the pompous holier than thou movie types who sip $38 latte's and read crappy modern poetry in an attempt to look smart in their black berets.

Was surprised by the gross out quality of the DVD. Some scenes are very amateur, but overall it leaves you thinking. I actually checked out the director commentary to add to my opinions. Not a bad rental for horror and gore fans.

anyone who was associated with this abomination as well as anyone who enjoyed it is cordially invited to board the bus for Royal Oak, Michigan for an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian...can't really pinpoint whether it was sicker or stupider than anything i've ever seen...the cover of the film promises something that seems interesting...when you are subjected to the Chinese girl doing her art thing during the beginning credits, you know that's not going to happen...if i had any sense i'd have turned it off at that point...horrible script, poor excuses for acting and an overall mean-spirited attitude make this a candidate for the absolutely worst movie EVER...do yourself a favor...dodge this bullet...

The picture of the evil eye on the box is not in the movie. The monster in the box is a worm puppet. Movie starts with slow motion close-up shootings, fills in with foul language, then throws in a couple sex scenes (including the puppet) and then shot the rest of the cast. If you can get this movie on buy one get one free night - DON'T. Go home and sort your sock drawer, it will be more interesting.

this movie is appalling.

it isn't camp. it isn't smart. it isn't cool. most of all, it certainly isn't entertainment.

the only comedy found within is the revelation that the people who made this movie obviously think it is worthwhile. and even this is somewhat embarrassing - making one feel the same sensation as being in a public place with your father when his low tolerance is becoming blatantly obvious.

it's sad.

this is the movie that those sweatpants nerds you avoided in high school would have made if they had some money for special effects, a parent in puppetry, a vague understanding that chicks dig 'deep' things, and no aesthetic abilities whatsoever.

but these weren't the dorks who went on to invent recyclable styrofoam or to decode the human genome. no, these particular losers aspire to something much more unattainable - coolness. and these guys think they have cracked the code.

it has all the awkward earmarks of unaware nerd-made cinema: pathetic dramatic scenes, unconvincing tough posturing, getting excited about swearing, and offensively bad comedy.

a piece of advice, guys: next time you make a bunch of money puppeteering kids shows, don't make another lame attempt to impress babes. they won't care. make a down payment on a townhouse. your parents will be proud and being a homeowner is at least something to talk about at the high school reunions.

In working at a movie store i thought i had seen some bad horror movies(ala jeepers creepers, blair witch 2) but this one really takes the cake. In reading the summary i thought the item sounded really good horror/backstabbing flick. In the first five minutes alone i got a really bad feeling from it and started fast forward it. In doing that i saw more violence than necessary and a certain sex scene that has left me with nightmares for the last week. The supposed item is not even scary, in being more laughable than anything else.

Save yourself some money on this one.

I rented this movie because the back of the box sounded awesome and I love horror flicks. Little did I know I was renting one of the cheesiest movies of all time. This one goes right up on my list. I don't mean cheesy as in "funny B movie" and worth watching...I mean cheesy like I wish I didn't waste my time and the $1.99+tax to rent it. I would have had a better time trying to count the blades of grass on my lawn. It had a couple of chuckle-worthy parts but that lasted for all of 1.9 seconds. The only saving grace for this movie was the "Kung Fu Transvestite" and the little weird parts that you might miss if you blink. Of course, they aren't worth the effort to actually see what I'm talking about.

Believe me, I have seen some crap in my years as an avid horror fan. Bad doesn't even begin to describe this movie. Like watching paint dry. The characters are offensive stereo-types, namely the drag-queens. A total waste of an hour and a half, not to mention the 3 bucks renting it.

I ask myself , what did the producer thought when he was making this crap. it is very low budget (not that that's the problem) but you can see that the whole movie.(ohhh god , the monster)

No good story and the acting is also very crappy. (really . look at the drag queens)

This film has nothing i like and it's a total waste of time to look at. Please watch something else. I give this movie 2 out of 10 and only because they had balls to film it.

The Item is a cheat. Bottom line. The packaging is high gloss, promising B creature fluff with a unique pulp fiction hybrid. Instead you get a poorly lit video shoot, a handful of actors who I felt sorry for (they're taking this very seriously and some have promise) slightly above student film quality production values, and a creature that is nothing more than a rubber hand puppet. Seriously. These are the facts folks - I frankly can't understand some of the other reviews of this film. It's not original, the script is horrible aside from a few clever lines, and to top it off, I'm painfully getting through the thing ('cause I paid 5.50 of the new release blockbuster wall)and suddenly the film makers throw their own music out the window and lift Philip Glass right off the Kundun sound track! Uncredited! Am I the only one who has noticed this? As a film maker myself, this is the ultimate in bad karma. With a whole lot of talented musicians out there this is simply inexcusable, not to mention unethical. It's sad, especially when I'm a giant supporter of independent film, but "The Item" is one movie that shouldn't belong on a video store shelf.

I had a chance to see "The Item" and was pleasantly surprised. This film combined the aspects of other Blockbuster films (like PULP FICTION) and the twist is that it does this while making fun of itself.

It was well acted, the lead actress was superb and her character was refreshing (think La Femme Nikita only brunette and Latina).

Entertaining aspects like Drag Queens doing martial arts in pumps are still making me laugh. In short this flick is KOOL.

With a cast of unknowns (to me at any rate) I was actually interested in this combination science-fiction, gangster, comedy, very violent story. Another little almost gem from Sundance

I've seen so many movies and when somebody who is a movie buff like me throws out the term "the worst movie i've ever seen", that is a comment to be taken seriously. I sat through the entire movie for one reason... 5 minutes through the movie I thought "This might be the worst movie I've ever seen"... I was curious. It kept getting worse and worse... it was so painful!!!!! Everything about this movie was horrible! You know, all I really ask of my horror movie rental experience is that it's not made by someone with a hand-held camera (excluding Blair Witch) and has SOME kind of entertainment value. This movie should have had a huge brown scratch and sniff turd on the cover. If you see this film on the shelf, run away. Warn others.