- Ross: Home.
- Pauline: Royston Vasey.
- Ross: Family.
- Pauline: Dead.
- Ross: Friends
- Pauline: Pens.
- Ross: [more irritated] Friends.
- Pauline: Pens! They're the best friends you can have. Everything I know about people I learned from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em. If they still don't work, you chuck 'em away, bin them!
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: Just who do you think you're talking to ?
- Cathy Carter-Smith: Well according to my report a psychotic 50-year-old lesbian.
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: How dare you. I'm 48
- Harvey Denton: Perhaps you are a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent, a dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread eagled on pillows forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.
- Edward: You people are all alike, You march in here, young! try and touch the local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint, smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement.
- Ross: This is my report. It has everything I need for your immediate termination, and believe me, I'm gunna push for that.
- [reads from report]
- Ross: Use of abusive and threatening language...
- Pauline: Oh, come off it.
- [Ross pulls out a dictaphone]
- Pauline: [on tape] You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you coming in? Sit up straight you bone-idle lazy cunt!
- [pause]
- Pauline: What was that?
- Ross: That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.
- Phil: What people forget is gays are normal, regular, healthy guys.
- Olly Plimsoles: Dykes on the other hand are evil.
- Dave: Ollie!
- Olly Plimsoles: Picture the scene, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man. Only it's not actually man. It's a big fat lezza smoking *my* pipe and wearing my slippers!
- [Phil tries to calm Ollie down]
- Olly Plimsoles: [shouts] Don't touch me, you poof! Anyway, what was I saying? Tolerance is an important issue...
- Val: [reading the house rules about scissors] Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue ones from this hook do swing. We keep them clean, don't be mistaken for kitchen jobs like trimming bacon.
- Benjamin: Well, that's fine. I need to meet Martin...
- Val Denton: Then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard beneath the stair...
- [Harvey enters]
- Harvey Denton: ...you'll find the red for pubic hair.
- Harvey Denton: When I was younger I suffered terrible facial warts. I remember the whispered comments, "Here comes Harvey toadface." "Quick hide, toadface Denton is coming!"
- Val Denton: And that was his mother and father.
- Reverend Bernice Woodall: [reading the bible] And he will give strength to legs that are weak and arms that tremble. The crippled will throw down their crutches and leap up and down in praise of his grace. Huh. Doesn't say they need five car parking spaces outside safeways now does it? They're always empty, I only nipped in for five minutes to get a bottle of taboo! I come out and the bugger's clamped. I said to the man, would it have made a difference if I had a stick and a limp? Ramps outside libraries, AND THEIR TOILETS ARE MASSIVE! Hymn number 513: Glad that I live am I!
- Radcliffe Denton: I once saw daddy beat a man until both he and the man were crying.
- Phil: [a play's closing line] I'm happy with who I am and what I am and if people don't like that they can go kill themselves like Mum did!
- Geoff Tipps: God he's bloody deaf, him.
- Mike Harris: Well, you know what they say, Geoff.
- Geoff Tipps: What?
- Mike Harris: [mumbles]
- Geoff Tipps: Eh?
- Mike Harris: [mumbles]
- Geoff Tipps: I can't hear you!
- Mike Harris: I said "bummers are deaf!"
- [laughs]
- Geoff Tipps: Ah, it's a good one, that.
- Mike Harris: I fell for it and all.
- Brian Morgan: [Brian catches up] Sorry lads, I was getting that table for tonight.
- Geoff Tipps: Here, Brian. You know what they say, don't you? Bummers are deaf.
- Brian Morgan: What do you mean?
- Geoff Tipps: Well, they're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf!
- Brian Morgan: I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.
- Geoff Tipps: Well I don't! Mike said it. He was really laughing.
- Val Denton: We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa bed, you'll have your own shower and WC.
- Harvey Denton: Into which we do not pass solids.
- [arguing over the disposal of Mike's body]
- Geoff Tipps: What are you doing ?
- Brian Morgan: I'm making him a cross.
- Geoff Tipps: Oh, great idea. Why not put a sign on the back saying, "Body buried here".
- Brian Morgan: Well, they will find him anyway.
- Geoff Tipps: Yeah, and when they do we'll say that wolves did it.
- Pauline: Ooh, it's half past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work. Other men stay in bed until dinnertime watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are... Good morning, jobseekers.
- Geoff Tipps: Well, things finally started going my way ladies and gentlemen. In 84 both our mothers got badly sick, mine, thank God, she got better. But yours DIED didn't she Mike? Didn't she?
- [Mike, in great pain and sorrow nods]
- Geoff Tipps: Yeah, I won that. At least I won the mums!
- Edward: I used to be in a war. And I put paid to quite a few like you, this is a decent town and a local shop, there's nothing for you here.
- Tubbs: Tell him I can't have babies anyway. Tell him my insides are all wrong.
- Edward: Go on then, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home,
- [shouts]
- Edward: rape our dead mouths! Just as long as I don't have to hear any more of your disgusting babble.
- Mike Harris: [a good time later] The thing is we're banking on this road but what if it doesn't happen?
- Brian Morgan: I thought it was a dead cert.
- Mike Harris: Our company needs...
- Geoff Tipps: PLUMS!
- Brian Morgan: You what?
- Geoff Tipps: It's plums, go on.
- Brian Morgan: Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now.
- Geoff Tipps: Course it bloody matters! He's right near the end. There's only the Irish man left. Come on Brian. The chief turns to the Irish man, "Death or Mau Mau."
- Mike Harris: You didn't do the voice.
- Geoff Tipps: Don't matter. Finish it.
- Brian Morgan: I can't remember.
- Geoff Tipps: Finish it.
- Brian Morgan: I can't remember it Geoff.
- Geoff Tipps: Please.
- Brian Morgan: Geoff. I honestly can't remember.
- Geoff Tipps: [crying] It's just a big bloody joke to you isn't it? Oh, Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff is a joke. Geoff enters a talet competition and loses. Me mam said I would win. I was only eight. WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?
- Geoff Tipps: [pulls out gun] Oh you're listening now. Well you, are going to tell this joke.
- [looks around him]
- Geoff Tipps: And we're all gonna laugh. Or Mike gets it!
- [puts gun to Mike's head]
- Brian Morgan: All right Geoff. For God's sake, I'll finish the joke. The chief says "Death or Mau Mau", the Irish man looks at his fruit.
- Geoff Tipps: PINEAPPLES! THEY'RE...
- Brian Morgan: Pineapples! He looks at them and says "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau, I choose death." And the chief says to him...
- Mike Harris: [Geoff cocks the gun] Get it right Brian.
- Brian Morgan: He says... I can't remember.
- Mike Harris: He says, "Death by Mau Mau."
- [pause]
- Geoff Tipps: [calmly] Oh, you heard it?
- Mike Harris: Yeah.
- [Iain is being interviewed at a dating agency]
- Olive Kilshaw: Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
- Iain Cashmore: I'm sorry?
- Olive Kilshaw: Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
- Iain Cashmore: I can't really say.
- Olive Kilshaw: So, not at all kind to animals.
- Iain Cashmore: Well, don't say that...
- Olive Kilshaw: No, I've got to take your first answer. Are you quiet?
- Iain Cashmore: When?
- Olive Kilshaw: In general.
- Iain Cashmore: Well, sometimes...
- Olive Kilshaw: So quiet.
- Iain Cashmore: Don't put that...
- Olive Kilshaw: No, I've got to take all your bad points as well.
- Iain Cashmore: That's not necessarily a bad point, is it?
- Olive Kilshaw: Well, you say that, but you can't get a girlfriend, can you?
- Reverend Bernice Woodall: [conducting a service] "You cowards. You whoremongers. Idolaters, liars. Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur where you will die the second death. The death that burns and tears for all eternity."
- [we then cut and see she is talking to a group of school children]
- Herr Lip: If you don't understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I will take you in my German mouth.
- Lance Longthorne: Stag night coming up? I've got just the thing for you. I've got just the thing. Spread this powder on the groom's undies night before the wedding, gives him crabs! Bleeding crabs eggs, they hatch overnight, groom's standing at the altar, wife beside him, can't stop thinking about scracthing himself because he's got bleedin'crabs. Four pound fifty.
- work man: What?
- Lance Longthorne: All right, four pound.
- work man: No, I'm lookin for something more... specific.
- Lance Longthorne: Oh. Ok, how about this? Hot sweets, give them to the groom before he makes his speech.
- Road man: Hot sweets, eh? What's in them, pepper?
- Lance Longthorne: Potassium. Burn his tongue and roof of his mouth off, never talk again!
- Harvey Denton: While the wee wife's away just a few words on the subject of onanism. In this house, we don't masturbate. It's not a particularly pleasant thing to do, especially with two young girls running around now is it? I would hate to imagine either Chloe or Radcliffe, tearing down the stairs first thing in the morning, only to find you, hunched double on the sofa bed pumping your fist!
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