- Tony: All a bloke really wants for Christmas is a voucher that says, "Take this to 32 Sycamore Avenue. Mrs. Janet Farnesbarnes will be stark naked waiting for you. You can have as long as you like, you get a cup of tea afterwards and you don't have to have a bloody conversation!"
- Anita: [on the topic of Christmas decorations] Is genitalia the silver stuff you drape over the branches?
- Tony: I'm a lonely celibate, me. I do nothing. I go home and fry eggs. If I ever do get a girl to come back to my place I won't know what to do with her. I'll be flicking hot fat at her with a spatula.
- Petula Gordino: [going to hospital] Which ward will it be, Brian?
- Paramedic: 8
- Petula Gordino: It's mixed isn't it?
- Paramedic: Yes?
- Petula Gordino: Well.. might have a bit of sex. But I have to say after Richard E Grant you don't really feel like bothering with a load of shagged-out pensioners.
- [Dolly has revealed that she and her husband are going on a luxury cruise]
- Jean: Luxury, my do dah! It's a converted World War Two aircraft carrier!
- Dolly Belfield: We have our own suite, our own balcony...
- Jean: Your own Bofors Gun!
- Stan: [on being asked what his Millennium regrets are] I failed to appreciate the full potential of the cross-head screwdriver. I was publically pretty scornful to be blunt, I still wake up sweating about it even now.
- Sue: [on being asked if it's possible to become more confident] Now I'm very interested in this, because I believe in a world of infinite possibilities. And you and me, we're the little people. And them up there doesn't want us to succeed. But all we have to say is - we want it. We deserve it. We're going to have it. No one can give you confidence but if you want something you've just got to bloody well take it for yourself.
- Bren: [nodding] Right.
- Sue: It's true.
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