- Linda La Hughes: Tom, I ain't a pussy-person. When people look at me, they don't think 'cat', they think 'dog'.
- [Linda's son Zippy is trying to find out who is father is from his birth certificate]
- Zippy: It says here his name was Owen Nistand
- Linda: What?
- Zippy: Owen Nistand
- Linda: Let me see
- [looks at it]
- Linda: Oh! Hahahahaha! That's not Owen Nistand that's one night stand! Your daddy was a one night stand! I wasn't good at spelling in those days.
- Linda La Hughes: Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? What a rip off! Phone a friend? What if you haven't got any friends?
- Linda La Hughes: I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire! I'd get my bellows out and i'd stoke her up good and proper! Burn, bitch! Burn!
- Linda La Hughes: D'you know, I think they must a got a puppy for Christmas, cos I could hear her fella shouting in the background "I'm not havin' that dog back in my house" and then she said "party's off".
- [Tom pauses for a moment to absorbs this, and then we see a smirk come across his face]
- Tom: You're such a sad bitch!
- Sugar Walls: We had to stick her in a kennel from the age of eight, just so we could get some bloody sleep!
- Linda La Hughes: You make it sound abnormal.
- Linda: Should have taken in a show. I love a good play.
- [Tom looks at her in disbelief]
- Tom: You? The last play you went to see was "The Chip 'n' dales"; which, incidentally, is not a play.
- Linda: It was in a theatre. It had an interval. I had ice cream.
- Tom: The theatre should be exciting.
- Linda: I was stuck to my seat.
- Linda La Hughes: Well, German's are very misunderstood people, Tom. Take Fritz' mum Helga, she'll sit on your face, as soon as look at you.
- Linda La Hughes: No, Tom! Don't go near the windows! Don't go near the windows!
- Tom: Why?
- Linda La Hughes: Umm... Because Tom, Did you know that 175% of all drive-by shootings happen near French Windows?
- Tom: Twiggy preserve us.. One is no longer safe in one's own home... It's like that really scary movie, that really violent one. Damn, what's it called? Chocolate Orange!
- Tom: [on the phone] Oh, hang on, I'll ask my PA...
- [pretending to call his PA]
- Tom: P.A.! P.A.!
- Linda La Hughes: [gives him a look] P. Off!
- Linda La Hughes: I wouldn't mind him putting his hand up my skirt and moving my lips, if you know what I mean!
- Linda La Hughes: Tom, I can't be a lesbian, I mean, look at me, I'm gorgeous!
- Tom: Loads of lezzers are gorgeous! Take...
- [Thinks for a long time]
- Tom: Velma from Scooby Doo.
- Jez Littlewood: Three years.
- Linda La Hughes: Oh I bet your gagging for a nibble on another plate of muffins!
- Tom: Oh, what do you know about love?
- Linda La Hughes: I know it's in the dictionary between labia and lust.
- Melinda Messenger: [dream sequence] Linda, I wish I looked half as good as you in that dress
- Linda La Hughes: Keep dreaming babe!
- Linda La Hughes: I Love smoking, me... Mummy gave me my first ciggy when I was 10, and I've never looked back!
- Tom: Well, I've got to say, Linda, this is a surprise.
- Linda La Hughes: Tom... You know I smoke.
- Linda La Hughes: I should be a glam mum like Scary Spice... Tits up here, arse out there, Max Beesley giving me a lick.
- Tom: What have you done? You foolish, foolish child!
- Linda La Hughes: I've opened our back garden up as a camp site.
- Simon Shepherd: Is that physically possible with a bar of soap?
- Tom: Two words, Simon - patience and practice.
- Linda La Hughes: Oh, Zippy, I could talk to you till the cows come home. In fact that's what Daddy used to say to me when I came in of a night "Oh, look, the cow's come home."
- Beverly-Jane: Oh, Beverly-Anne. Can you get the keys for 315 please?
- Beverly-Anne: Can-do Beverly-Jane.
- Beverly-Jane: Off your face on pills, Sir?
- Tom: I am twatted!
- Beverly-Jane: Is that a Welsh name, Sir?
- Beverly-Anne: 315, Sir!
- Tom: Wait, wait, wait. This is not what it looks like! We are brothers and we are only sharing 1 room because it's cheaper than two.
- Beverly-Anne: Good night, Sir! And happy shagging. Do you think they're on drugs, Beverly-Jane?
- Beverly-Jane: I don't know about them, But I'm buzzing my nut off, Beverly-Anne.
- Beverly-Anne: Hmm, me too. Beverly-Jane.
- [the two start dancing idiotically]
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