4 reviews
(Some Spoilers) Not to be taken seriously for a moment "Black Sea 213" is so nutty that you have to like it even though it insults you sense of reality as well as intelligence.
This arrogant and stuffed-up fashion photographer Gabe, Anthony Addabbo, gets the use of a Russian freighter to do his next big fashion shoot in the middle of the Black Sea. What he doesn't know is he and his troop of beautiful fashion models are being used as a cover for the ship's Captain Killick, Brion James, to smuggle high-tech weapons and a one billion dollar missile guidance system, the size of a briefcase, to an unknown world power. This is to take place off the port city of Yalta by loading the weapons on a submarine.
The big mover in this deal is Dean, Timothy Bottoms, who was a fellow marine buddy of Gabe and now a big time arms smuggler who together with local Yalta gangster Pasha Lakovitz, Rubi Zack, set up the whole deal. Captain Killick who's being used to both Dean and Pasha's advantage and is to be knocked off after the deal with weapons is culminated has his own ideas to how things are to be done. Killick does in both Dean and Pasha leaving him as the only one to collect the big pay-off.
Gabe who was thrown overboard and later gets back on deck together with his girlfriend model Ursula( Jacki Lovell), who was also thrown overboard with him, starts a mutiny which has most of the girls gunned down. Captain Killick fleeing with his reluctant squeeze Isla(Irina Zatolokina) on a motorized life boat with the billion dollar missile system, packed in crate #213, on board expects to be picked up by the sub and get just what's coming to him. Killick has the freighter bobby-trapped to be blown to bits by a bomb he planted in it's Hull, where all the weapons and explosives are being kept, but unknown to Killick someone switched the bomb and he's the one to get blasted not those on the freighter.
Everyone in the cast seemed to be either on downers or suffering from a severe case of sleep deprivation as they have trouble staying awake during the movie. Timothy Bottoms was so out of it that even when he was taking a shower with one of the gorgeous and busty models he seemed totally unconscious and unaware of the enviable, to those of us watching, position that he was in not even giving her a second look.
Both Gabe and Ursula were totally unconvincing and came across as if they were forced to be in the film and wanted to get out of it even if it killed them, or they were killed off by the director, to do it.
Only Brion James as Captain Killick seemed to have a good time being in "Black Sea 213" and was about the only person who kept you, as well as the cast, from conking out and sleeping through the movie.
This arrogant and stuffed-up fashion photographer Gabe, Anthony Addabbo, gets the use of a Russian freighter to do his next big fashion shoot in the middle of the Black Sea. What he doesn't know is he and his troop of beautiful fashion models are being used as a cover for the ship's Captain Killick, Brion James, to smuggle high-tech weapons and a one billion dollar missile guidance system, the size of a briefcase, to an unknown world power. This is to take place off the port city of Yalta by loading the weapons on a submarine.
The big mover in this deal is Dean, Timothy Bottoms, who was a fellow marine buddy of Gabe and now a big time arms smuggler who together with local Yalta gangster Pasha Lakovitz, Rubi Zack, set up the whole deal. Captain Killick who's being used to both Dean and Pasha's advantage and is to be knocked off after the deal with weapons is culminated has his own ideas to how things are to be done. Killick does in both Dean and Pasha leaving him as the only one to collect the big pay-off.
Gabe who was thrown overboard and later gets back on deck together with his girlfriend model Ursula( Jacki Lovell), who was also thrown overboard with him, starts a mutiny which has most of the girls gunned down. Captain Killick fleeing with his reluctant squeeze Isla(Irina Zatolokina) on a motorized life boat with the billion dollar missile system, packed in crate #213, on board expects to be picked up by the sub and get just what's coming to him. Killick has the freighter bobby-trapped to be blown to bits by a bomb he planted in it's Hull, where all the weapons and explosives are being kept, but unknown to Killick someone switched the bomb and he's the one to get blasted not those on the freighter.
Everyone in the cast seemed to be either on downers or suffering from a severe case of sleep deprivation as they have trouble staying awake during the movie. Timothy Bottoms was so out of it that even when he was taking a shower with one of the gorgeous and busty models he seemed totally unconscious and unaware of the enviable, to those of us watching, position that he was in not even giving her a second look.
Both Gabe and Ursula were totally unconvincing and came across as if they were forced to be in the film and wanted to get out of it even if it killed them, or they were killed off by the director, to do it.
Only Brion James as Captain Killick seemed to have a good time being in "Black Sea 213" and was about the only person who kept you, as well as the cast, from conking out and sleeping through the movie.
An extremely arrogant male photographer (Anthony Addabbo), an old, scraggly ships captain who constantly bleats about how to tie a rope knot, an American babe who doesnt like to be rejected and a whole gang of gorgeous bad-ass models. So what is wrong with this film? Since Black Sea doesnt really have any artistic quality to it it would be stupid to say that the feeble and inconsistent plot ruined the movie. Admittedly, the plot and the acting are lacking, but the babes are unmissable. Thats really the only good thing about it, the women. Their strength, their determination, their triumph, their beauty, their legs ...
Imagine a group of models soaking in an enormous hot tup, arms around each other, bodies naked, wet and steamy, discussing a huge scam they are about to pull in international arms dealing.
But then wait... Gabe who is the male chauvanist photographer and only screws whores must be otherwise amused while the girls are loading the cargo onto the ship they are about to leave in. So Ursula (Jacquiline Lovell) is sent to occupy him. This, of course, means she has to get him into bed. But since he only does whores she has to go to his regular shagging pub and switch places with the real prostitute. How logical. They should have just admitted that Ursula liked his ass instead of trying to work it in to some kind of weird conspiracy. As if Gabe is going to be spending his night hanging around the docks peeking at peoples private business anyway. Except for Lovell the model/terrorists are mostly Russian recruits. Sexy Vera Sotnikova is the supposed leader and the girlfriend of thug Dean but unfortunately she gets blown up in the end. There is an ironic scene where the girls are playing cards below deck with their little sailor boys sitting submissively behind them.
But then they ruin that by showing them all shagging in a mass orgy later on. It would have been much better if their werent so many men in it, and if Gabe didnt play quite such a major role -by the way he doesnt turn out to be the pig with the heart of gold in the end. On the contrary, the last scene implies that Ursula becomes his regular lay at the whore-house (was he paying for it, she takes a step down in the world... "hmmm... should I be a terrorist slash model, ....or should I be a prostitute?")
There is a really sexy lesbian scene between a gorgeous but mute model and Gabriels assistant, Annie. The only actors I recognised were Brion James (his usual type of trash) and Timothy Bottoms. I liked it that the girls were Russians, the accents made the whole crime thing seem more dramatic.
I wont lie, the film is trashy and cheap. But perhaps with the right mood (and a J or two) a lot of people could see the beauty of it's simplicity, not to laugh at it but maybe to become inspired by its ambiguity and to smile at its raw amatuarishness.
Imagine a group of models soaking in an enormous hot tup, arms around each other, bodies naked, wet and steamy, discussing a huge scam they are about to pull in international arms dealing.
But then wait... Gabe who is the male chauvanist photographer and only screws whores must be otherwise amused while the girls are loading the cargo onto the ship they are about to leave in. So Ursula (Jacquiline Lovell) is sent to occupy him. This, of course, means she has to get him into bed. But since he only does whores she has to go to his regular shagging pub and switch places with the real prostitute. How logical. They should have just admitted that Ursula liked his ass instead of trying to work it in to some kind of weird conspiracy. As if Gabe is going to be spending his night hanging around the docks peeking at peoples private business anyway. Except for Lovell the model/terrorists are mostly Russian recruits. Sexy Vera Sotnikova is the supposed leader and the girlfriend of thug Dean but unfortunately she gets blown up in the end. There is an ironic scene where the girls are playing cards below deck with their little sailor boys sitting submissively behind them.
But then they ruin that by showing them all shagging in a mass orgy later on. It would have been much better if their werent so many men in it, and if Gabe didnt play quite such a major role -by the way he doesnt turn out to be the pig with the heart of gold in the end. On the contrary, the last scene implies that Ursula becomes his regular lay at the whore-house (was he paying for it, she takes a step down in the world... "hmmm... should I be a terrorist slash model, ....or should I be a prostitute?")
There is a really sexy lesbian scene between a gorgeous but mute model and Gabriels assistant, Annie. The only actors I recognised were Brion James (his usual type of trash) and Timothy Bottoms. I liked it that the girls were Russians, the accents made the whole crime thing seem more dramatic.
I wont lie, the film is trashy and cheap. But perhaps with the right mood (and a J or two) a lot of people could see the beauty of it's simplicity, not to laugh at it but maybe to become inspired by its ambiguity and to smile at its raw amatuarishness.
If you don't agree - you're a moron.
This film has it all - excitement, drama, toplessness. What more do you want?
Superbly acted by an extraordinary cast, special effects that put Bad Robot studios to shame, a script so sharp it could be used to cut diamonds - this genuinely is the full package (and I know a thing or two about a full package).
If you don't love this film... there truly is no hope for you.
Make sure you have Kleenex at the ready.... it's an emotional roller coaster.
This film has it all - excitement, drama, toplessness. What more do you want?
Superbly acted by an extraordinary cast, special effects that put Bad Robot studios to shame, a script so sharp it could be used to cut diamonds - this genuinely is the full package (and I know a thing or two about a full package).
If you don't love this film... there truly is no hope for you.
Make sure you have Kleenex at the ready.... it's an emotional roller coaster.
- mjlovell-67132
- Jul 26, 2016
- Permalink
The plot makes no sense. Why the hell is a fashion photographer invited along on a weapons smuggling operation? It's never explained. But it doesn't matter.
The gorgeous and talented Jaqueline Lovell (Sara St. James) really steals the show here. As do all the frequently naked Russian-accented models that band together under Timothy Bottoms' leadership to smuggle weapons.
Timothy Bottoms. Geez, what went wrong in his career? From Last Picture Show to this? Did he have a drug problem? If there was a little less convoluted plot, this might qualify as softcore porn. The movie stakes its territory early on with a hot tub/bathtub scene involving the aforementioned model gun smugglers, two of which are lesbians.
One of the lesbians can't speak. Making her the perfect woman. She is appropriately called "Silencio," despite the fact that the word "silencio" is Spanish and the girl is supposedly Russian.
A lot in this movie doesn't make logical sense, aside from the plot. Is Lovell's character a whore, a gun smuggler, an American exchange student or what? But the nonsensical moments in the movie make for some great laughs, along the lines of Mystery Science Theater. For instance: To get rid of Lovell, the bad guys... leave her dangling by a rope while she stands on a (gasp!) REALLY STEEP SLOPING PLATFORM! They leave her alone, I guess figuring eventually she'll slide down? Is this how they thought walking the plank was supposed to be done? The cheap production values make for some giggles as well.
The "explosive" is obviously one of those cologne sample tubes. And when a bunch of girls get shot (by some random dude who looks very confused as to why he just shot a bunch of hot chicks) the bullet wounds on one of the girls makes it look like she's wearing a girl scout sash.
This is great entertainment. I'd give it a ten out of ten on the unintentional comedy scale. It gets a 7 because the good guy freakin annoyed me and there wasn't nearly enough nudity,
The gorgeous and talented Jaqueline Lovell (Sara St. James) really steals the show here. As do all the frequently naked Russian-accented models that band together under Timothy Bottoms' leadership to smuggle weapons.
Timothy Bottoms. Geez, what went wrong in his career? From Last Picture Show to this? Did he have a drug problem? If there was a little less convoluted plot, this might qualify as softcore porn. The movie stakes its territory early on with a hot tub/bathtub scene involving the aforementioned model gun smugglers, two of which are lesbians.
One of the lesbians can't speak. Making her the perfect woman. She is appropriately called "Silencio," despite the fact that the word "silencio" is Spanish and the girl is supposedly Russian.
A lot in this movie doesn't make logical sense, aside from the plot. Is Lovell's character a whore, a gun smuggler, an American exchange student or what? But the nonsensical moments in the movie make for some great laughs, along the lines of Mystery Science Theater. For instance: To get rid of Lovell, the bad guys... leave her dangling by a rope while she stands on a (gasp!) REALLY STEEP SLOPING PLATFORM! They leave her alone, I guess figuring eventually she'll slide down? Is this how they thought walking the plank was supposed to be done? The cheap production values make for some giggles as well.
The "explosive" is obviously one of those cologne sample tubes. And when a bunch of girls get shot (by some random dude who looks very confused as to why he just shot a bunch of hot chicks) the bullet wounds on one of the girls makes it look like she's wearing a girl scout sash.
This is great entertainment. I'd give it a ten out of ten on the unintentional comedy scale. It gets a 7 because the good guy freakin annoyed me and there wasn't nearly enough nudity,
- brantsaber
- Aug 25, 2005
- Permalink