- Gilbert: Madam, I had rather spend an afternoon in a Turkish bath with my mother than visit the dratted dentist.
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): I do apologize, sir, that neither I nor Schwenck was here to welcome you on your arrival last night.
- Gilbert's Father: I do not appreciate being left upon the doorstep like a hawker!
- Gilbert: If you'll only take the trouble to press the electric bell, Father, you'll be admitted at once. Is that not so, Pidgeon?
- Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: Indeed it is, sir.
- Gilbert's Father: I have no intention of placing my life in danger, sir!
- Gilbert: How many doorstep deaths have we had thus far, Pidgeon?
- Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: None to my certain knowledge, sir.
- Gilbert: There you are, Father. The odds would appear to be in your favour.
- Wilhelm: Rest assured, Mr. Lely, my designs are properly researched and authentic to the last thread.
- Durward Lely: No disrespect to you, Mr. Wilhelm, but your authentically tailored costume seems to have left me rather in the buff, somewhat!
- Wilhelm: No more in the buff than Japanese peasants have been for the last eight hundred years, sir.
- Durward Lely: May I draw your attention, Mr. Wilhelm, to the fact that I am not actually a Japanese peasant?
- Gilbert: No, you are a Scotch actor who is taking the part of a Japanese prince who is posing as an itinerant minstrel.
- John D'Auban, Choregrapher: I haven't laughed so much since my tights caught fire in "Harlequin Meets Itchity Witch and the Snitch".
- [giving notes after a dress rehearsal]
- Gilbert: Your performances were, on the whole, promising, which is more than can be said, alas, for that of the sliding doors. One of which might have thought it was in Japan, but the other was apparently stubbornly laboring under the misapprehension that it was on holiday in Yorkshire.
- [laughter]
- Richard Barker: Where was the man, Mr. Seymour?
- Mr. Seymour, Production Manager: Rest assured, Mr. Barker, that tomorrow night he will be with us in Japan.
- Gilbert's Father: Am I to understand, sir, that you have been in communication with your mother?
- Gilbert: No, Father, not for some considerable time, I'm glad to say.
- Gilbert's Father: You are a liar, sir.
- Gilbert: No, sir. I can assure you, Papa, that the very last person with whom I wish to have any communication at all is your estranged wife, the vicious woman who bore me into this ridiculous world.
- Gilbert's Father: How dare you, sir? Have you no respect?
- Gilbert: Don't misunderstand me, Father. Nobody respects her more than I do, and I can't stand the woman.
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): How's my wounded soldier?
- Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid: He's not doing as he's told, madam.
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Oh, isn't he now? Willie, are you intending to visit the dentist tomorrow?
- Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid: You really should try...
- Gilbert: [exploding] Oh, for God's sake, you pair of bloody harpies! Get out, I'm *working*!
- Gilbert: Every theatrical performance is a contrivance by its very nature.
- Sullivan: Yes, but this piece consists entirely of an artificial and implausible situation.
- Gilbert: If you wish to write a Grand Opera about a prostitute, dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo. I am sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.
- Wilhelm: Mr. Grossmith, kindly oblige me by removing your hat.
- George Grossmith: Why, sir? Are you ready for me?
- Wilhelm: Would that I were, sir. And, I'll thank you not to refer to my designs as "vulgar", Mr. Lely.
- Durward Lely: Mr. Wilhelm, to my eyes, your designs are not only vulgar, but obscene!
- Wilhelm: How DARE you, sir?
- Gilbert: Strong words, Lely - what the deuce do you mean?
- Durward Lely: Mr. Gilbert, I am a respectably married man and I love my wife dearly. Now, one of the few pleasures that she has enjoyed since the untimely demise of my beloved mother-in-law is to watch me perform upon the stage. But, I am not prepared to allow her to suffer the embarrassment of seeing me flaunted before the public like a half-dressed, performing dog!
- Gilbert: You have my sympathies, Lely. Unfortunately, your avocation as an actor compels you, on occasion, to endure the most ignominious indignities, to which Grossmith will doubtless testify.
- George Grossmith: Without question, sir.
- Fanny Ronalds: Oh, there's good news from Dublin.
- Sullivan: Mm?
- Fanny Ronalds: The Churchills are to return to London.
- Sullivan: Forgiven, but not forgotten.
- Fanny Ronalds: I do hope so. Jenny says Winston is eleven, covered in freckles, and has a total disdain for authority.
- Gilbert's Father: [on Gilbert's mother] She is a veritable gorgon.
- Gilbert: She is indeed, and she has chosen her own path, and in so doing, she has turned her back on yourself and myself. And for that small mercy we should both of us be eternally grateful.
- Sullivan: [proposing a toast] To the Savoy Hotel.
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: The Savoy Hotel.
- Sullivan: With its seventy bathrooms.
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: The builder was much bemused. "What's the point of having a bathroom to every bedroom? Who's going to be staying there, amphibians?"
- Gilbert's Father: A father should not have to seek permission to visit his own son!
- Gilbert: The son shouldn't be expected to be clairvoyant.
- Gilbert's Mother: Maude...
- Maude Gilbert: Yes, Mama?
- Gilbert's Mother: Never bear a humorous baby.
- Maude Gilbert: I shall endeavor not to, Mama.
- [rehearsing a scene]
- George Grossmith: [annoyed] "Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head, and the deference due to a man of pedigree!"
- Gilbert: Mr. Grossmith, you are under sentence of death, "by something lingering, either boiling oil or melted lead." Kindly bear that in mind.
- Fanny Ronalds: Lady Colin is irresistible. She cannot conceive why the Irish are starving when there's lots of good fish in the sea.
- Sullivan: She most probably has a point.
- Wilhelm: Will you remove your corset.
- Durward Lely: I beg your pardon?
- Wilhelm: Kindly remove your corset, Mr. Lely, it will spoil the hang of the cloth.
- Durward Lely: Mr. Gilbert, I never perform without my corset!
- Gilbert: What, never?
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: Well, I don't know about you, but speaking for myself, I could murder a pork chop.
- Sullivan: What's this?
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: Pull it.
- [Sullivan does]
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: It's a reservoir pen. Contains its own ink.
- Sullivan: Good gracious me. Whatever will they think of next?
- [in a Japanese tea house]
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): My goodness! It's perfectly green.
- Gilbert: Spinach water.
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Oh, Willie.
- Gilbert: Thank you very much.
- Miss 'Sixpence Please': Shickerspen, preas.
- Gilbert: I beg your pardon?
- Miss 'Sixpence Please': Shickerspen, preas.
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Oh, she speaks English.
- Gilbert: What did she say?
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): She said, "Sixpence, please."
- [to her reflection in the theatre dressing-room mirror]
- Leonora Braham, Lead Soprano: Yes, I am indeed beautiful. Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this be vanity? No! Nature is lovely, and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: With reference to your engagement for the opera, I have a great concern about your little weakness.
- Leonora Braham, Lead Soprano: Hmm... I'm a little shocked, Mr. Carte. I really do believe that my behavior this last year has been exemplary.
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: I'm pleased to say your tendency has improved, but I am concerned about the future.
- Gilbert: You, do?
- [referring to the chorus members belief that the Mikado song should not have been cut]
- Mr. Price: Yes, sir, we do so.
- Female Chorus Member: Yes, especially after all our extremely hard work and of course, Mr. Temple's.
- Gilbert: I'm very sorry for you, but as we all know, it's an unjust world.
- Male Chorus Member: We all feel it would have been a great benefit to the opera.
- Female Chorus Member: And it's fair for it to be left to the audience to decide.
- Gilbert: Is this the considered opinion of you all?
- Chorus Members: It is, sir.
- Mr. Kent: I am not a party to this, Mr. Gilbert.
- Gilbert: Ah, Mr. Kent, as ever the sole voice of reason!
- Gilbert: [to Temple, who has unexpectedly come upon the meeting of Gilbert and the chorus members] Mr. Temple, what do you make of this occurrence?
- Richard Temple: I do beg your pardon Mr. Gilbert, but I have absolutely no idea of what is taking place.
- Gilbert: There has been a request that your song be reinstated.
- Richard Temple: Ah.
- [pause]
- Richard Temple: Ah.
- Gilbert: A most forceful request, I have to say.
- [George Grossmith also comes unexpectedly upon the crowd]
- George Grossmith: [to the crowd members] Afternoon, afternoon, please give way.
- [seeing Gilbert]
- George Grossmith: Ah! Beg pardon, sir.
- Gilbert: This is surprising, indeed, ladies and gentlemen, somewhat overwhelming.
- Gilbert: [to Temple] Temple, would you be prepared to sing this song at this evening's performance?
- Richard Temple: Yes, sir, I would.
- Gilbert: [after long hesitation] Then please be so good as to do so.
- [Chorus members laugh, cheer and applaud]
- Gilbert: Rehearsals will commence in five minutes!
- Male Chorus Member: Congratulations, Temple!
- Gilbert: [giving notes to the cast after a dress rehearsal] Ko-ko's entrance: Mr. Kent and Mr. Conyngham. Please ensure that you do not flinch at Mr. Grossmith's sword. You must have confidence that he is not about to chop off your heads, even if it may appear that that is your inevitable fate.
- Sullivan: This work with Gilbert is quite simply killing me.
- Richard D'Oyly Carte: Working with Gilbert would kill anybody.
- Fanny Ronalds: Lady Colin is endeavoring to persuade us to take up smoking. She's writing an article for the Saturday Review. She proposes that nicotine is a gift from the gods, and if men may benefit from its soothing qualities, why then may women not also? My poor daughter now believes that smoking is an extension of the... communion between a woman and her husband.
- Sullivan: Will she be smoking a cigarette on her wedding day?
- Fanny Ronalds: [laughing] Heaven forfend!
- Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Schwenk speaks to The Savoy every morning in code, father-in-law. Just in case the telephone operator should be eavesdropping.
- Gilbert's Father: One might as well open the window and shout down the street.
- Gilbert: Barker, what are you doing? Do you propose to join in?
- Richard Barker: My dancing days are long over, Mr. Gilbert.
- Gilbert: Over, Barker, but not forgotten.
- [Gilbert brings a samurai sword home from the Japanese exhibition]
- Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: It's a fine-looking instrument, sir. Now would that be Spanish or Italian?
- Gilbert: Neither, Pidgeon.
- Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: Of course, sir.
- Richard Temple: [on wearing a sweaty costume during summer performances] I fear that dear Mr. Gilbert has run out of ideas.
- Durward Lely: No!
- Richard Temple: He doesn't know what to do with me. Ponder this: he thrusts me into a gamut of tight-fitting pots, pans, and pails, and poaches me like a fucking haddock! Forgive my Anglo-Saxon, Mr. Butt.
- Gilbert: Now, Miss "Sixpence, Please" - what you have just witnessed is not even remotely Japanese, am I right?
- [Miss "Sixpence, Please" is silent]
- Gilbert: [to the Japanese man] Sir - Japanese.
- Japanese Man: Japanese.
- Gilbert: No.
- Japanese Man: No.
- Gilbert: Thank you very much...
- John D'Auban, Choregrapher: Excuse me, Mr. Gilbert sir, if I may?
- [to the Japanese man]
- John D'Auban, Choregrapher: Japanese.
- Japanese Man: Japanese.
- John D'Auban, Choregrapher: Yes.
- Japanese Man: Yes.
- John D'Auban, Choregrapher: [to Gilbert] See, he hasn't got the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
- George Grossmith: I have a meeting with Carte this afternoon.
- George Grossmith: At what hour?
- Rutland Barrington: Five o'clock.
- George Grossmith: Curious. I am to meet with him at half-past four.
- Durward Lely: Strange, I DON'T have a meeting with him at four o'clock.
- Rutland Barrington: It is my firm intention to prise open his purse.
- George Grossmith: It will take a far stronger man than you, Mr. Barrington, to fulfill that herculean labour.
- Rutland Barrington: [chuckles] And what's your mission, Captain Grossmith?
- George Grossmith: Oh, there are certain little matters.
- Durward Lely: Dickie, have you heard the real news of the day?
- Richard Temple: Yes, the Fenian bomb. Oh, dreadful.
- Durward Lely: No - Grossmith and Barrington.
- Richard Temple: [shocked] What?
- Durward Lely: They're off tonight.
- Richard Temple: No!
- Durward Lely: Yes.
- Richard Temple: Both of them?
- Durward Lely: Yes.
- Richard Temple: Why?
- Durward Lely: Oysters...
- Richard Temple: [gasps]
- Durward Lely: - We shared luncheon together.
- Richard Temple: Did you swallow?
- Durward Lely: No, I chose the sole!
- Richard Temple: Off the bone?
- Durward Lely: Yes, it was rather succulent.
- Richard Temple: Wise man. Oysters can kill, you know.
- Durward Lely: Oh, unquestionably!
- Richard Temple: I had an aunt, choked on a scallop at Herne Bay.
- Durward Lely: Really?
- Richard Temple: Tragic.
- John D'Auban, Choregrapher: On the whole, the terpsichore was executed very magnifiquely, notwithstanding the topsy-turvydom befuddling Mr. Ko-Ko's entrance.
- Gilbert: Thus. The traditional Japanese posture adopted by well-meaning, but misguided, underlings upon the departure of their august superiors.
- George Grossmith: Would that be a recognised Japanese attitude, sir?
- Gilbert: Not as yet, Grossmith, but I have every confidence that it shall become one.
- Jessie Bond: [about her kimono] It's shapeless.
- Madame Leon: Yes, Miss Bond, it is shapeless. Japanese ladies are most shapeless.
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