Beast in Space

Alfonso Breschia goes back to his garden shed, break out the old costumes, blonde wigs, a crappy robots to give us his fourth sci-fi epic, only this time he's trying to keep you awake by loading the thing full of sex. And it's still rubbish.

It's true what they say - in space, no one can hear you knock one out. In a galaxy no one cares about, a space captain in a bar hits up on Sirpa Lane. She's all up for it, but first he has to fend off plucky space pirate Venatino Venantini. The captain (or whatever he is) also discovers that Venantini knows a planet where there's this rare element that people will pay a fortune for. That's the plot!

The captain and Sirpa get it on and Sirpa has a strange dream that she's being chased through a forest by a crappy robot. Eventually a crew gets together and they all head off for this planet in the usual terrible, poundland version of special effects. What you'll also notice is that although Breschia has upped the boob quotient, he's totally forgotten to include any action! Nice move, Breschia!

This lot eventually do get to this planet, and of course they find it deserted (although we the audience are horrified to find that those bloody Brian Jones-like androids are lurking about in the background, ready to bore us to death). Sirpa (who is carrying a metal detector!) goes all dizzy and heads off on her own. I'm blanking on what happens next even though I watched this last night.

Basically there's a hirsute fellow in charge of the planet and says there's this giant robot that used to be in charge who kept this rare element to himself, but why go on about the plot. There's a protracted sex scene where everyone (except Venantini) gets it on and I was rather startled to find that the Russian dubbed version I was watching on Youtube (due to the English subtitled one on there being censored) had hardcore inserts in it. I did get a laugh from how ridiculous the hairy guy looked when it was revealed he was a goat-legged fellow with a foot long slag hammer. I'm not sure why Sirpa was dreaming about it though.

Due to all this crap being interspersed with what looked like footage from War of the Robots and Cosmo: War of the Planets, a whole lot of nothing going on throughout and endless shots of people wriggling against each other, this is even worse than Breschia's other sci-fi films. No wonder there are so many second hand copies of it on sale throughout Glasgow. I wonder what possessed Shameless Screen Entertainment to release this crap.