It's hard to convey your feelings in written form over the Internet. You could use a hundred different words and still end up falling short of what you're trying to tell the reader. What I'm getting at is, I can in no way accurately describe the.. acting in the first 5 minutes. You could run through every synonym in every language in the world and still come nowhere near the awfulness of this scene. It's between a man and a little girl, and you couldn't find two worst performers if you tried. Thankfully, the bloke is quickly disposed of, and the kid grows up into the main character of the film.. actually, scratch the "Thankfully" part, because everyone else is almost as bad.
My God, this is a stinker. It lets off such a putrid stench it would even kill the flies and dung-beetles. Hellinger is a guy covered in white make-up who speaks in a stupid voice. He eats his own skin, which is made out of rubber. When he kills people, he lets off blood packs in his hands. Scared yet? I certainly am, when I realise that there are actually people loose in our community who consider it a horror rather than a comedy. I'm not one for unintentional laughs, but there were so many clunkers here I was rolling on the floor begging for mercy. A lot of them involving the heroine's bearded cousin, who sports possibly the most ridiculous OTT tattoo of a dragon known to man. It covers the whole of his body up to his neck, and is so distracting it is actually more fun to watch than anything else in the picture. Go on, pause when he's taking his shower, and check out the amount of detail in the illustration. AMAZING.
Finally, after the minuscule running time of just over 70 minutes, the movie is over. We can discuss all the highlights, such as Shannah Betz rubbing red food dye over her tits and a nasty chap stabbing a girl in the vagina repeatedly. You people must be really proud of your agents. Especially with the ending, that features the dismembering of a Spitting Image puppet complete with chopped liver. Yes I know it's supposed to be Hellinger, but COME ON. The fact that this isn't the worst film I've seen this year is the most depressing part. Sigh.. 0/10