Rushmore (1998)
Jason Schwartzman: Max Fischer
Photos
Quotes
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Max Fischer : I saved Latin. What did you ever do?
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Max Fischer : I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn : These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer : O, R they?
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Herman Blume : What's the secret, Max?
Max Fischer : The secret?
Herman Blume : Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.
Max Fischer : The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.
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Max Fischer : My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard.
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Herman Blume : She's my Rushmore.
Max Fischer : I know. She was mine too.
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Max Fischer : Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks. That's the only thing anybody really cares about. But, its not my forte, unfortunately.
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[Max has just petitioned to make Latin a required subject]
Magnus Buchan : [heavy Scottish brogue] Why dincha just piss off, Fischer? Ya dotty wee skid mark!
Max Fischer : Is that Latin?
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Rosemary Cross : Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?
Max Fischer : It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.
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Rosemary Cross : How did I hurt your feelings?
Max Fischer : Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play!
[pauses]
Max Fischer : And I'm in love with you.
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Max Fischer : The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
Rosemary Cross : We don't have a relationship.
Max Fischer : But we're friends.
Rosemary Cross : Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...
Max Fischer : That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
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[Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"]
Max Fischer : Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.
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Max Fischer : [to Dr. Peter] I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?
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Rosemary Cross : Well, you pulled it off.
Max Fischer : Yeah, it went okay. At least nobody got hurt.
Rosemary Cross : Except you.
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Dr. Peter Flynn : I didn't know we were going to dinner.
Max Fischer : Well, that's because you weren't invited.
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Max Fischer : Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer.
Rosemary Cross : Hi.
Max Fischer : Hi.
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Max Fischer : Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.
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Rosemary Cross : Do you think we're going to have sex?
Max Fischer : That's a kinda cheap way to put it.
Rosemary Cross : Not if you've ever fucked before, it isn't.
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Max Fischer : War does funny things to men.
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Dr. Nelson Guggenheim : We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.
Max Fischer : And what does that entail?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim : It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.
Max Fischer : In other words, I'll be expelled.
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim : That's correct.
Max Fischer : Can I see some documentation on that, please?
[Guggenheim hands him his transcript]
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim : Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying
Max Fischer : Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim : - We don't offer a post-graduate year.
Max Fischer : Well, we don't offer it yet.
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Max Fischer : So you were in Vietnam?
Herman Blume : Yeah.
Max Fischer : Were you in the shit?
Herman Blume : Yeah, I was in the shit.
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Herman Blume : Why did you ask me to come here?
Max Fischer : Oh, I was going to drop that tree on you.
Herman Blume : That big one?
Max Fischer : Yeah.
Herman Blume : It would've flattened me like a pancake.
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Herman Blume : Take it easy, Max.
Rosemary Cross : You were the one that ordered him a whiskey and soda.
Max Fischer : So what's wrong with that? I can write a hit play. Why can't I have a little drink to unwind myself?
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Max Fischer : Thay are going to cancel Latin. They've got to make room for Japanese.
Rosemary Cross : Well that's a shame because all the Romance languages are based on Latin.
Max Fischer : Yeah, they are, aren't they.
Rosemary Cross : Nihilo sanctum estne?
Max Fischer : What's that? Oh, it's Latin. What does that mean?
Rosemary Cross : Is nothing sacred?
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Herman Blume : What does Guggenheim say?
Max Fischer : Nothing. I felt I should go to you first.
Herman Blume : Why?
Max Fischer : Because at this moment I feel our best strategy is to keep a low profile. The more preparation I can do, the stronger our case will be when we go to the administration.
Herman Blume : How much do you want?
Max Fischer : $35.000 for the initial plans.
Herman Blume : I'll give you $2500.
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Rosemary Cross : I'll show you the door.
Max Fischer : I'll just go back out the window.
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Ernie : What kind of fish?
Max Fischer : Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi...
Herman Blume : Piranhas? Really?
Max Fischer : Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.
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Max Fischer : [to Rosemary] We both have dead people in our families.
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Max Fischer : Your mind's as warped as your ear, Magnus.
Magnus Buchan : Don't Get Nasty, Brother.
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Max Fischer : What was your major?
Rosemary Cross : I didn't have a major, but my thesis was on Latin American economic policy.
Max Fischer : Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear that they're not going to teach Latin anymore?
Rosemary Cross : This was more like Central America.
Max Fischer : Oh, Central American what-not.
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Rosemary Cross : I will say that, Edward has more spark and character and imagination in one fingernail than Herman Blume has in his entire body.
Max Fischer : One dead fingernail.
Rosemary Cross : Right. One dead fingernail.
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Max Fischer : So tell me Curly, how do you know Miss Cross?
Dr. Peter Flynn : We went to Harvard together.
Max Fischer : Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I'm not sweating it either.
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Max Fischer : [to Rosemary] I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!
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Max Fischer : I don't give a shit about the barracudas, fuck it! I'm building it anyway.
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Margaret Yang : You're a real jerk to me, you know that?
Max Fischer : I'm sorry, Margaret.
Margaret Yang : Well anyway, nice to see you.
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Herman Blume : [on Max's offering a small box] What's this?
[Herman opens it and looks]
Max Fischer : That's the Perfect Attendance Award and the Punctuality Award. I got those at Rushmore. I thought you could choose which one you like more, and you could wear one and I could wear the other.
Herman Blume : [after gravely considering both the proffered olive branch and the choice] I'll take Punctuality.
Max Fischer : [smiles] Okay.
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Backgammon Player : Did you hear they're teaching Japanese next year?
Max Fischer : That's the rumor.
Backgammon Player : And they're canceling Latin.
Max Fischer : What? I tried to get Latin canceled for five years! It's a dead language, I always say.
Backgammon Player : Well, I guess they finally heard you.
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Herman Blume : Come work for me.
Max Fischer : What do you mean?
Herman Blume : I mean I-I could use someone like you.
Max Fischer : Look, I may not be rich, Mr. Blume, my father may only be a doctor, but we manage.
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Herman Blume : So you've changed your mind and you want the job.
Max Fischer : No, I've got an idea and I need some money.
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Rosemary Cross : [tending a wound on Max's forehead] Is this fake blood?
Max Fischer : Yes, it is.
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Max Fischer : [during his play "Heaven and Hell"] Maybe We'll meet again someday...
[holds up a peace sign]
Max Fischer : When the fighting stops.
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Max Fischer : In summation, I have only one question: Is Latin dead?
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Max Fischer : I thought you dumped me for Blume, then I thought...
Rosemary Cross : I never dumped you, because we were never going out.
Max Fischer : It would just help me if you'd just talk to me for a minute. Tell me what happened.
Rosemary Cross : Okay. Um, A. He's married. B. He hates himself. And C., well, he smashed up your bicycle, didn't he?
Max Fischer : My previous bicycle, yes.
Rosemary Cross : Well, what sort of person does something like that?
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Magnus Buchan : Sempre fi, soldier. Sempre fi.
Max Fischer : Sic transit gloria. Maybe we'll meet again someday. When the fighting stops.
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Bert Fischer : You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.
Max Fischer : Yes, that's true.
[pause]
Max Fischer : But I've been out to sea for a long time.
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Rosemary Cross : That's none of your business.
Max Fischer : I know it's not, but I just got hit my a car and I'm feeling a little confused.
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Max Fischer : What do you call getting a handjob from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?
Magnus Buchan : A fucking lie.
Max Fischer : You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.
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Max Fischer : How the hell did you get so rich? You're a quitter, man!
Herman Blume : I spent eight million dollars on this.
Max Fischer : And is that all you're willing to spend?
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Max Fischer : Good. I just wanted to inform you about what is going on.
[Dr. Guggenheim stares at Max with contempt]
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim : I never took you for an informer, Max.
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Max Fischer : So this is where it all happens.
Rosemary Cross : Where what happens?
Max Fischer : I wouldn't know.
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Max Fischer : You're very pretty.
Rosemary Cross : Thank you.
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School Reporter : So, how'd it go with Mrs. Calloway?
Max Fischer : We shook hands.
School Reporter : Big deal.
Max Fischer : And I gave her my phone number.
School Reporter : Buchan said he'd have already banged her by now.
Max Fischer : What? Just tell that foreign Scottish guerilla to shut his fat face. That's my best friend's mother he's talking about.
School Reporter : I always thought that's why you picked Dirk as your chapel partner.
Max Fischer : What are you, a lawyer?
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Max Fischer : How much are you worth, by the way?
Herman Blume : I don't know.
Max Fischer : Over ten million?
Herman Blume : Yeah, I guess so.
Max Fischer : Good, good.
Herman Blume : Why?
Max Fischer : Cause we're gonna need all of it.