- Helen Hyde: Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me or are you gonna hand me that towel?
- Pete Walston: I'm gonna stand here and stare at you.
- Yves DuBois: What am I paying you for? 20 years in therapy and I start liking girls? That's malpractice.
- Dr. Richard Jacks: Who would've thought that if another woman came between me and Sarah, that it would be me.
- Pete Walston: [when Helen suddenly grows a mustach and frantically tries to cover it up with makeup] I've got a caulking gun 'cause that ain't gonna do it.
- [after meeting Helen for the first time, DuBois calls his doctor]
- Yves DuBois: Help me! I think I'm straight!