High School High (1996)

Jon Lovitz: Richard Clark

Photos 

Quotes 

• Principal Evelyn Doyle : Around here, they call me "Mr. A."

  Richard Clark : "Mister?"

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : I inherited the business from my late husband.

  Richard Clark : Well, I'm shocked!

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : What? That a woman can run a business?

  Richard Clark : No. That you were ever married.

• [Alcohol is poured into Richard Clark's coffee cup by a burned-out looking alcoholic teacher] 

  Richard Clark : Isn't it a little early to start drinking?

  Woman : Who stops?

• Principal Evelyn Doyle : What the hell's going on here?

  Victoria Chapell : I was attacked.

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : Dressed like that, what do you expect And alone with him?

  Richard Clark : It wasn't just me. There were three of us.

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : Oh. That makes it all better.

  Richard Clark : No, no. I was wrestling with the other guy. He was trying to have sex with her.

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : I don't care what your arrangement was or how it went wrong! Now you listen to me, Clark. Either you shape up or I'll bounce you out of here faster than a homo at Fort Dix!

• [Julie is pregnant with her third child] 

  Richard Clark : Well, Julie I hoped you learned a valuable lesson from this.

  Julie Rubels : Oh, yes. Basically as far as vasectomies go, never use the home kit.

• [During drug bust] 

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : What exactly is she doing here?

  Richard Clark : She's my bitch!

  [Victoria stares at Richard incredulously; Doyle stares at both of them blankly] 

  Richard Clark : Well... my significant other. We've been slappin' skins for quite some time, hmmmm?

• Victoria Chapell : Remember, some things are irreplaceable

  Richard Clark : Irreplaceable? Nothings gonna happen to me.

  [Richard drives away] 

  Victoria Chapell : I was talking about my car!

• Richard Clark : [trying to act high]  Oh, this shit be kickin'!

• Richard Clark : [to Ms Doyle]  I'm higher than hell and you're STILL ugly!

• Mrs. McReynolds : [Griff has graduated]  Way to go Griff that's my boy!

  Mrs. Clark : [She taps Mrs. McReynolds on the shoulder and then points at Richard]  That's *my* boy

• Richard Clark : Victoria, could you give me a ride home? I seem to have misplaced my car.

  Victoria Chapell : Oh, don't worry about it. All the teachers lose their car on their first day.

• Richard Clark : Why are you late?

  Natalie : Because the bell rang before I got here.

• Richard Clark : I've never been very good with relationships. In fact, most of mine ended with "Hey, what are you doing in bed with that other woman?" And that was me talking!

• Thaddeus Clark : Richard, if you do this, you will fail. You... will... fail! And mark my works, you'll come crawling back here with your tail between your legs!

  Richard Clark : You're wrong, father. I'm gonna succeed at Barry High School. And, I have no intention of ever crawling back here with anything between my legs!

• Victoria Chapell : [referring to Paco's entry into a school dance, even though it's not his school]  Paco's gang always gets into other school dances, and they bring weapons to them

  Richard Clark : What kind of people bring weapons to a dance?

  [Anferney and all his friends nearby put their hands in their coats, and you hear guns cocking] 

• Richard Clark : Why would I have his briefcase unless I was workin' for him?

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : That's doesn't prove anything. You could have seen him down in the restaurant, dressed up like a waiter, created some kind of diversion while she snatched it from under the table.

  Richard Clark : [Swallows toothpick]  That's a little farfetched, don't you think?

• [During drug bust] 

  Hulk : False alarm. Some idiot put a gun in the microwave

  [Principal Evelyn Doyle stares at Richard Clark. Richard swallows the blue ball] 

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : Good stuff huh?

  [Richard Clark finishes swallowing the blue ball] 

  Principal Evelyn Doyle : So what have you got to say for yourself?

  Richard Clark : Nothing really. Except it's going to be an interesting morning tomorrow after my coffee. I'm going to need at least two magazines.

• Richard Clark : I'm Richard Clark, I'm the new history teacher here. What department do you teach in?

  Teacher : I don't know, something up on the third floor.

• Richard Clark : Listen, Griff, I'll make you a deal. You help me get these kids to learn and I promise you, I will do everything in my power to get you into college.

  Griff McReynolds : Don't try to play me, Mr. Clark. I've been promised stuff before that hasn't come true. I'm saying, where would I get the money for college from?

  Richard Clark : You ever hear of scholarships?

  Griff McReynolds : [Excitedly]  Yeah!

  Richard Clark : Well, you probably won't get any of those.

• Richard Clark : Where the hell's our waiter?

  Richard Clark : Good evening, gentlemen and welcome to Mr. A's fine dining establishment. I'm Zack. I'll be your waiter this evening, and this is my trainee, Paula. I'm an Aries. I enjoy water sports and dancing. And my hobbies are origami...

  Mr. DeMarco : Enough small talk. Just bring us two thick T-bones.

  Richard Clark : Yes, sir. Would you like those with or without the bones?

  Mr. DeMarco : And a couple of glasses of water.

  Richard Clark : All right. Let me tell you about our water then. It comes from the Los Angeles aqueduct, where it flows down a lovely cement channel on a bed of...

  Mr. DeMarco : I don't care where it came from. Just bring it to us.

  Victoria Chapell : [Taking a cart of deserts from another watier]  I'll take that. It's his birthday. Would anyone care for some desserts this evening?

  Mr. DeMarco : Look, you little weasel. Just bring us what we asked for. Unless you want me to stick this bread stick up your ass.

  Richard Clark : It sure would taste better if you didn't. You might want to try buttering it first.

• Richard Clark : [Griff and Paco are fighting]  All right, you toughs. Break it up. Now, cut it out. You boys ought to be ashamed of yourselves. School is no place for fighting.

  [Paco starts looking over both of Richard's shoulders] 

  Richard Clark : What are you looking for?

  Paco Rodriguez : I'm looking for the rest your posse... that's going to keep me from ripping you a new asshole.

  Richard Clark : I will pretend for the moment that you meant that in a nice way. But I am warning you, I'm about to lose my temper. Now, I want you boys to shake hands. Go on.

  [Griff and Paco reluctantly shake hands while staring at Richard in disbelief] 

  Richard Clark : There. See? Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? It's always best to shake hands, unless someone just sneezed into it... or if they have a stump. That could be a little weird.