- Louie Kritski: You want your electricity fixed? Move. Check into the fucking Plaza, just gimmie the rent Lady!
- Eleanor: Look at my boy. How's he supposed to do his schoolwork at night? By candle light?
- Louie Kritski: Lincoln did. Hey maybe he'll grown up to be president, what the fuck do I know? Just gimmie the rent!
- Big Lou Kritski: Heather, can I ask you something? How far did you go in school?
- Heather: Oh, well when I was in high school I wouldn't even let a guy touch me. But when I got to community college, I turned pretty wild.
- Leotha: Do you know what kind of droppings those are?
- Louie Kritski: Moose droppings.
- Leotha: Rat droppings, Kritski.
- Louie Kritski: You really know your shit, don't you? Ha ha ha ha. What's the matter? You got no sense of humor?
- Leotha: So what are you gonna do about it?
- Louie Kritski: Nothing. If they pay the rent, they can stay!
- Big Lou Kritski: If you fix one shitty toilet, I'll disown you. One toilet, you're out of the will!
- [grabs the heater Tito is carrying]
- Big Lou Kritski: Give me that, Buckwheat!
- Tito: Who you calling 'Buckwheat', you fat fuck.
- Louie Kritski: Alright, get off my roof before there's trouble.
- Arsonist: There's already trouble.
- Louie Kritski: I'll throw you right the fuck off this roof!
- Arsonist: Yeah, you and who else?
- Marlon: [entering] Me.
- Leotha: [enters behind Marlon] Me too.
- Tito: [enters] Me too, shit-head.
- Louie Kritski: I need to use your bathroom.
- Eleanor: No!
- Louie Kritski: What am I supposed to do, shit outside?
- Eleanor: Lincoln did.
- Louie Kritski: [arriving at the apartment house at night for the first time] Jesus. You know what, I think this is gonna be okay. It's gonna be like camp. I'll watch TV, I'll sleep, I'll hang out with Heather. Heather's gotta come over. How bad can it be? I'll have Heather.
- [Looks up at the building]
- Louie Kritski: How the hell am I going to do this? Twenty seven buildings worth millions of dollars, you could fucking do this.
- Big Lou Kritski: Let me explain something to you, son. You fix this place up on Monday, Friday it's back the way it was. You put in plumbing, they put chicken bones down the toilet. Put in heat, they piss in the hot air ducts!
- Heather: What is that smell? It smells like...
- Louie Kritski: Piss.
- Heather: Yeah, smells like piss, what is it?
- Louie Kritski: It's piss. Drunks come in the hallway and they piss.
- Heather: You let them pee in here?
- Louie Kritski: It's not like they ask permission.
- Louie Kritski: Why is that you have twenty-four different kinds of pork rinds and you only have one kind of peanut butter?
- Storekeeper: Because we don't get too many fussy little white pricks in here.
- Louie Kritski: Okay.
- Louie Kritski: Here, run this up to the house, and here's a fin.
- Tito: Thank you.
- Louie Kritski: Thank you? That's it? That's five dollars I gave you.
- Tito: Thank you, master, thank you master.
- Louie Kritski: Fuck you, kid.
- Tito: Fuck you too.
- Louie Kritski: It's only lights.
- Big Lou Kritski: Only lights? That's the inch, now they'll want the mile. You give them shit! That's what you give them, shit! Shit!
- Louie Kritski: Miss Bensinger, you're just in time to see my agenda.
- Naomi: Oh yes. Where is it?
- Louie Kritski: [Points to crotch] Right here.
- Naomi: [Leaving] I think the judge was looking for something a bit bigger, Mr. Kritski.
- Big Lou Kritski: I'm gonna get a new lawyer, a white judge and an appeal.
- Naomi: On what grounds?
- Big Lou Kritski: On the grounds that you piss me off.
- Big Lou Kritski: [Louie is distributing heaters to the tenants at Big Lou's expense] They've brain washed you. Like Patty Hearst. What's next? You gonna rig it into a Disney World?
- Louie Kritski: Pop...
- Big Lou Kritski: Don't call me 'Pop'. I don't recognize you anymore. You're not my son. You're breaking my heart!
- Louie Kritski: [Louie appears, wearing a hooded sweatshirt and pump sneakers] If you think I look stupid, just say so, Marlon.
- Marlon: I don't think you look stupid.
- Louie Kritski: Then what are you looking at? The jacket? The hood? What?
- Marlon: It screams. You know what it says? It says, "Look at me! I'm wearing shit that nobody else in this neighborhood would wear. So come and stick me with a sharp object of your preference and then steal that hide-away wallet I got velcroed to my leg".
- Louie Kritski: You could tell?
- Marlon: No, it doesn't show. But that's what you guys usually wear.
- Gilliam: I prayed for you last night, Mr. Kristki. I prayed for you to get my commode fixed.
- Louie Kritski: Get out of my way and leave me alone!
- Gilliam: You don't want me to leave you alone.
- Louie Kritski: Trust me, I do.
- Gilliam: No, Satan wants me to leave you alone.
- Louie Kritski: We BOTH want you to leave me alone. Ha ha. Hallelujah.
- Young Big Lou: Okay, one down, 63 to go. Here you go, Louie.
- Young Louie: You're a buck short, Dad.
- Young Big Lou: No it's all there. Take another look, you may have missed something.
- Young Louie: Dad.
- Young Big Lou: January is a very tough month.
- Young Louie: So is December. Give me my money.
- Young Big Lou: That's my boy!
- Louie Kritski: [narrating] Yeah, Sundays were always the best.
- Louie Kritski: Hey, put that shit down! Put it down!
- Arsonist: Fuck you.
- Louie Kritski: No fuck you! There's not gonna be a fire.
- Arsonist: You must be Junior. Well, Junior, your old man over there paid me alot of money to light this place up. And that's what I'm gonna do.
- Storekeeper: Well what do you need?
- Louie Kritski: Okay, let's see... I got my girl coming over. I'll need some wine. What kind of wine do you got here? You got any...
- [the storekeeper places a small bottle of screw-top wine on the counter]
- Louie Kritski: What the fuck is that? You expect me to drink screw-top wine?
- Storekeeper: You want a buzz? It's gonna have to come from this.
- Louie Kritski: Better just get some essentials so I don't starve to death.
- [Grabs a loaf of bread places it on the counter with a 'THUNK']
- Louie Kritski: Holy shit! Your bread's older than your fucking wine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is aged. This should - -See, this should be aged
- [about the wine]
- Louie Kritski: You don't - You get it? What a sense of humor. Am I on Candid Camera in this place or what?
- Young Big Lou: You deadeat son of a bitch, where's the rent?
- Tenant: I'm a little short right now. How about another week?
- Young Big Lou: Another week? Another week? What do you say, Louie, shall we give him another week?
- Young Louie: Eh... okay.
- Young Big Lou: Okay? Really? Are you sure? Remember, that $3.00 I give you every week really isn't an allowance, it's more like a percentage. You let this guy skate, that means you only get $2.70. Now remember, the other tenants are gonna want another week. You know what that means? Pretty soon you'll be down to nothing, zero zip. No ice cream. No soda. No candy...
- [turns to shout at tenant]
- Young Big Lou: YOU GONNA STEAL CANDY FROM MY KID'S MOUTH?
- Tenant: No, man, no.
- Young Big Lou: Then give me what you got. Alright, Friday, Willie, I want the rest Friday.
- [He and Louie leave]
- Tenant: [mutters] Don't hold your breath.
- Eleanor: How is my boy supposed to do his schoolwork at night? By candle light?
- Louie Kritski: Lincoln did. Maybe he'll grow up to be president, what the fuck do I know?
- Louie Kritski: No way I'm going to that shit hole.
- Big Lou Kritski: Who are you talking to?
- Louie Kritski: Heather, trying to figure out where to go tonight.
- Big Lou Kritski: I'll tell you where you're going tonight. You're going to the building to serve your time or else you're going to jail.
- Big Lou Kritski: Will you stop about the tenants? Remember, they used to live in huts. They used to eat people. You feel better now? Hey, come on, who gives a shit about a few whiny kookaboos?
- Judge Smith: Therefore, I find Louis Kritski Jr. guilty.
- Louie Kritski: I've called every heating contractor in the city. They're all booked solid. It's winter! What do you want me to do? Go out and kidnap one and drag him back here?
- Leotha: Yeah.
- Louie Kritski: I won't! If I can tough it out, so can you people.
- Ron Nessim: How are we supposed to keep warm in the mean time?
- Louie Kritski: Burn one of your kids. What do I care?
- [slams the door]
- Louie Kritski: Damn! Boy, Big Lou was right about those shitheads. If they wanna keep warm, why don't they dance. Ha ha.
- Louie Kritski: [Leotha stands in the doorway] Out of the way, Leotha, this is an emergency.
- Leotha: Uh uh. Not 'til you tell me when you're gonna fix the boiler in the building.
- Louie Kritski: There's nothing wrong with the boiler in the building. It's running, ain't it?
- Leotha: Yeah. All the way up to forty degrees. I am freezing.
- Louie Kritski: Get a man.
- Leotha: Up yours, Kritski.
- Louie Kritski: GOSH, LIFE STINKS!
- Tenant: And then you die!
- Louie Kritski: I'm doubling your rent, meathead!
- Tenant: Good. That makes two bad checks I have to write!
- Louie Kritski: Wat are you, spying on me?
- Tito: No.
- Louie Kritski: You casing this joint so the brothers can rob it later?
- Tito: [sarcastically] Yeah, you really got some choice stuff here. We can't wait to get our hands on it.
- Louie Kritski: How come you're not in school, kid?
- Tito: It's Saturday.
- Louie Kritski: Yeah? Then why aren't you out playing basketball or break dancing?
- Marlon: Neighbor.
- Louie Kritski: Neighbor? You're late with your rent, Marlon. I know, I know, Mommy's dying again, you had to send money. How many times is it this year Mamacita's almost croaked?
- Marlon: Six. But you know, I am glad she is still with us.
- Louie Kritski: Listen, why don't you insure the lady? This way when she decides to join that big Piñata party in the sky, you can use the insurance money to pay your rent. Know what I mean? What is it with you Latins, don't you have any pride?
- Marlon: I got pride. I'm proud I live in a building. I'm proud I don't live in a cardboard box. I have an address I can't afford. I'm proud of that.
- Louie Kritski: Obviously it's unusually cold in the building today. Not necessarily due to a malfunction of our boiler.
- Ron Nessim: That piece of shit it totally gone!
- Louie Kritski: You can't prove that.
- Leotha: Prove it? My parakeet is frozen solid. I could crack walnuts with him!
- Louie Kritski: [to a passing car full of black men shouting abuse at him as he crosses the road] What are you, the welcome wagon?
- Louie Kritski: i have called evrery single heater company in the city they all booked solid because its winter what am i suppose to do go out and kidnap one? if i tuff this out so can you guys.
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