Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
Alex Winter: Bill, Granny Preston
Photos
Quotes
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Dead Bill : [after seeing hell] We got totally lied to by our album covers, man.
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Dead Bill : Ted?
Dead Ted : What?
Dead Bill : Don't "Fear the Reaper"!
[both of them do an air guitar]
Grim Reaper : I heard that.
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Grim Reaper : A hit. You have sank my battleship!
Dead Bill , Dead Ted : Excellent! Yeah!
Dead Ted : I totally knew he put it in the J's, dude!
Dead Bill : Good thinking, Ted.
Grim Reaper : You must play me again.
Dead Bill : WHAT?
Grim Reaper : Um, best two out of three.
Dead Ted : No way!
Grim Reaper : Yes way.
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Grim Reaper : I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick.
Dead Bill : Sorry, Death, you lose! It was Professor Plum!
Grim Reaper : I said Plum!
Dead Ted : No way! You said Mustard! Can we go back now?
Grim Reaper : Uh, best three out of five!
Dead Ted : I don't believe this guy!
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Bill : [stage introduction] And over here, our bass player, the Duke of Spook, the Doc of Shock, The Man with No Tan, please say hello to Death himself, the Grim Reaper.
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[Bill and Ted wake up after having been dead a while. Bill picks out a worm from his ear]
Bill : Dinner's over, worm dude.
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Colonel Oats : Get down and give me... infinity.
[they drop to the floor and start doing push-ups, with difficulty. Oats walks in a circle around them while giving them a continuous tirade of abuse]
Colonel Oats : You stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins...
Bill : Dude, there's no way I can possibly do infinity push-ups!
Ted : Maybe if he lets us do them girly-style?
Colonel Oats : ...jokers! You petty, base, bully, bullock, bugger billies. You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms!
Bill : Dude, we gotta get outta here.
Colonel Oats : I'll eat you up like the warm, toasty little buttercakes you are...
[Bill and Ted jump up and run away]
Colonel Oats : GET BACK HERE!
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Dead Bill : Best of seven?
Grim Reaper : DAMN RIGHT!
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Dead Bill : [after Bill and Ted have each experienced their own personal Hell] That was non-non-non-non-NON-Heinous!
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Captain Logan : [Being possessed by Dead Ted] Whoa. Okay, dudes... Oh, I mean, fellow policemen. My son, Ted "Theodore" Logan, and his friend Bill S. Preston, Esquire, have been murdered and replaced by evil robots from the future.
Dead Bill : You totally did it dude.
Captain Logan : [as Dead Ted] I totally possessed my dad!
[both Bill and Captain Logan do air guitar]
Captain Logan : [as Dead Ted] Okay. You gotta go over and arrest these robots so they don't ruin everything for me and Bill. Oh, I mean, uh, my son and Bill. And most importantly, they don't hurt the babes... The princesses.
[to himself as Dead Ted]
Captain Logan : This isn't working.
[to Dead Bill]
Captain Logan : Back me up dude!
Dead Bill : You got it dude!
[Possesses Deputy James]
Deputy James : [Being possessed by Dead Bill] I totally believe you dude.
Captain Logan : [as Dead Ted] Yeah!
[Gives Deputy James a high five]
Deputy James : [as Dead Bill] Whoa, donuts!
Captain Logan : [as Dead Ted] Whoa, excellent!
Deputy James : [as Dead Bill] Savory cruller.
Captain Logan : [as Ted] Yeah. I got real hungry being dead.
Deputy James : [as Bill] Yeah.
[the cops look at them weird]
Captain Logan : [as Ted] Bill, I don't think they believe us.
Deputy James : [as Bill] Well, we'll have to find somebody who will.
Captain Logan , Deputy James : [still possessed] Catch ya later, cop dudes!
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Grim Reaper : You will come with me.
Ted : Bill, we can't! We gotta get back to the babes!
Bill : Ted, we can't! We're dead, dude!
Ted : We gotta stop those evil usses! We gotta try!
Bill : [to Death] Excuse us, dude, but is there any way back?
Grim Reaper : You may challenge me to a contest, but if you lose, you will remain here in the afterlife forever.
Ted : What if we win?
Grim Reaper : No-one has ever won.
Grim Reaper : [he smiles terrifyingly]
Ted : [to Bill] Dude, we gotta ditch this guy.
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Evil Bill : I totally loogied on that good, dead me!
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Ms. Wardroe : Now, if you were me, would you put you guys on?
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Ted : You are a most excellent scientist, Station.
Bill : Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!
Big Station : Station!
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Ted : Now where are we?
[they hear footsteps]
Bill : Who's that?
[a man in an army uniform is marching towards them]
Ted , Bill : It's Colonel Oats! No way!
Colonel Oats : GENTLEMEN!
[he walks right up to Ted, standing nose-to-nose]
Colonel Oats : Welcome to hell.
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Bill : DUDE!
Ted : WHAT?
Bill : Hell Sucks!
Ted : Definitely!
[shouts]
Ted : NOOOOO!
Colonel Oates : YOU TWO-TOED, NO NOSED SALAMANDERS!
Evil Easter Bunny : [teasing Bill and Ted] Deacon's Easter Basket, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH!
Granny Preston : [laughs maniacally] HEH HEH HEH! HEH HEH HEH! HEH HEH HEH HEH!
Colonel Oates : COME TO OATSIE!
[charges Bill and Ted]
Evil Easter Bunny : [teasing repeatedly] Deacon's Easter Basket, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH!
Granny Preston : ALL I WANT IS ONE! RIGHT ON THE LIPS!
[charging Bill and Ted]
Bill : Ted, there's only ONE way outta here, man!
Ted : You're right, dude! We gotta play the Reaper.
Grim Reaper : [the Reaper enters Bill and Ted in the Darkness] Choose your game. But if you lose, you will stay here in hell, forever.
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Granny Preston : How about a KISS for your dear old Granny, BILL? Hmm?
[looks at Bill struggling and smiles at him]
Granny Preston : Come along.
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Colonel Oates : [Bill and Ted find themselves in boot camp for all eternity] GENTLEMEN! Welcome to Hell.
Ted : No way...
Colonel Oates : WHAT?
Ted : Uh... no way, sir?
Colonel Oates : You two will do whatever I tell you to do from now on. Is that clear?
Bill : Yes sir, dude.
Colonel Oates : WHAT?
Bill : Yes dude, sir.
Colonel Oates : WHAT?
Bill : Yes sir! Sir! Dude!
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Chuck De Nomolos : What is the fuel?
De Nomolos' followers : Fear!
Chuck De Nomolos : What is the engine?
De Nomolos' followers : Discipline!
Chuck De Nomolos : What is the ideal?
De Nomolos' followers : Order!
Chuck De Nomolos : And how do we achieve it?
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Ms. Wardroe : Guys, you keep telling me you're going to be the greatest band in the world, but you stink!
Bill : Yeah. We don't understand it either.
Ms. Wardroe : I mean, you can't sing. The girls, they can play. But you guys?
Bill : Girls mature faster than guys.
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Ms. Wardroe : Since you guys do work for Pretzels 'N' Cheese, I'm going to give you a shot.
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Heaven's Gatekeeper : What is the meaning of life?
Ted : Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn.
Bill : Just like every cowboy, sings a sad, sad song.