From the moment Joe and Maureen use the dinner table as "do as we say" chaos and browbeating their adopted children, a deep gratitude came over me for the caring, giving, treating me as a human being kind of mom & dad that I appreciated all the way through my life.
Brian, Daniel, and Chris needed to feel safe and count on their mom and dad to consistently meet their physical needs (food, shelter, protecting them from physical abuse or harm) and emotional needs (noticing their feelings, comforting them when they're distressed). In a film such as "A Family Torn Apart" this didn't happen. This film, although a pedestrian made-for-t-v run-of-the-mill mockumentary displays what happens when dysfunctional people decide to go out and pick up some children, adopt them, and think here's our -ready-made family. When you fail to nurture children then one of the children is forced to take on "adult" responsibilities.
Add the fact Joe and Maureen confuse badgering, bullying and berating as "good" parenting but never provide structure and routine the children never feel safe. They need to know what to expect. Imprisoned by these two dysfunctional people, the three children's needs are neglected and disregarded and there are no clear rules or realistic expectations. Suddenly they're facing overly harsh, arbitrary rules and little supervision or guidelines. Only rules that make no sense.
In addition, the children are faced with behavior that's erratic and unpredictable. They feel as if they're forced to walk on eggshells in their own home for fear of upsetting mom & day. Then with no reasonable explanation Joe & Maureen unleash their rage and abuse. Soon, Chris, Brian and Daniel feel anxiety when coming into the "home" from school because they don't know what's waiting for them.
Add the fact that Joe & Maureen are so preoccupied with a double-standard lifestyle of presenting themselves as vanguard parents of decency causing their own problems of duplicity and pain that they're unable to give their "adopted" children what they need and crave - consistency, safety, unconditional love. As a result, the children feel highly stressed, anxious, and unlovable.
Sooon they're feeling unimportant and unworthy. Quite simply, dysfunctional Joe and Maureen didn't know how to deal with feelings in healthy ways. Since they'e dealing with their own problems as if enabling an addiction with each other, not having the time, energy, or emotional intelligence to pay attention to, value, and support their children's feelings. The result is neglect. Their children experience this as "my feelings don't matter, so I don't matter." This, of course, stamped out their self-esteem and caused them to feel unimportant and unworthy of love and attention.
Brian, Daniel and Chris weren't taught how to notice, value, and attend to their own feelings. Instead, their focus is on noticing and managing other people's feelings - their safety becomes a chief concern. All through this film I kept thinking, "How fortunate I was to never endure anything but love from my family." And absolute empathy for Brian, Daniel and Chris.
