- Belle: I warn you, I know karate!
- Leon B. Little: [points his shotgun at her] I warn "you", I know Winchester!
- [Harry Doyle has been summoned by his parole officer]
- Richie Evans: I got a call from the rest home today. She said that you were being a disruptive influence during lunch. That you refused to eat your spinach soufflé, and that you caused a riot. And that last night you made love to a woman.
- Harry Doyle: Do you make love to women, Richie?
- Richie Evans: Well, yes. Of course I do.
- Harry Doyle: Then how come when you do it, you're a stud and when I do it I'm a disruptive influence to society.
- Richie Evans: Because I'm only 28 and you're 72.
- Leon B. Little: How can you live in a hell hole like this? If I lived in a place like this I'd kill myself in an hour.
- Belle: You've been here 45 minutes.
- Jimmy Ellis: [shouts across the diner] Hey, Vince!
- Vince: [annoyed] What?
- Jimmy Ellis: Where's Philly?
- Vince: Pennsylvania!
- Jimmy Ellis: No, no! Not "that" Philly! Philly the Mouse! Harry and Archie need him for a stick-up!
- Archie Long: [from trailer]
- [to the engineer]
- Archie Long: Your train is being robbed.
- Train Engineer: You're crazy. Nobody robs trains anymore.
- Harry Doyle: [comes up behind engineer and puts gun to his neck] I'd say you've been misinformed.
- Leon B. Little: I wanna get a hundred of those coppers.
- Harry Doyle: There's only fifty Leon.
- Leon B. Little: So? I'll shoot 'em all twice!
- Leon B. Little: [after being in the sewer for days] Goddamn Tunnel of Love! Well, don't you worry, Vinnie. A deal is a deal. Leon B. Little never quits. There's twenty-six stiffs out there who'll swear to that! Oh, daylight. All right, you chicken livers. If you're out there, you can kiss your future goodbye!
- [comes upon a street gang listening to loud music]
- Leon B. Little: Hey, Michael Jackson! Did you see two elderly gentlemen pass this way recently?
- Gang leader: [scared] Oh, shit! Another one!
- [scampers off with his goonies]
- Leon B. Little: What is it, my smell or something? Hey, fish-ass! You forgot your jukebox!
- [blasts the gang's boombox with his shotgun]
- Leon B. Little: I hate noise pollution!
- Harry Doyle: [on the radio to Yablonski] We're running to Mexico!
- Archie Long: Tell him to open the switches all the way, or we'll wreck the goddamn train.
- Harry Doyle: [on the radio] Open the switches all the way, or we'll wreck the goddamn train.
- Leon B. Little: Let's wreck the goddamn train anyway!
- Derek: Our colors are cherry, peach, lime, olive, and avocado.
- Archie Long: I don't want to eat the suit, I just want to wear it.
- [last lines]
- [Harry and Archie have crashed a train into Mexico. The federales show up]
- Federale Captain: Buenos dias señores. Put up your hands. I'm afraid you're under arrest.
- [the federales aim their guns at Harry and Archie]
- Harry Doyle: Eh, now wait a minute, wait a minute. This ain't fair!
- Federale Captain: No?
- Archie Long: Señor, there's twelve of you and... just two of us.
- Federale Captain: Si?
- Harry Doyle: A-and you got guns, and we got nothin'.
- Federale Captain: But this is how we put you under arrest señor!
- Archie Long: Where we come from...
- [points back to the US]
- Archie Long: ...they've got rules about making arrests.
- Federale Captain: Rules?
- [Harry and Archie nods]
- Archie Long: Si.
- Federale Captain: What kind of rules?
- [Harry and Archie glance amused at each other with a "here we go again" look]
- Archie Long: Well... for one thing...
- [Archie kicks the captain in the crotch]
- Harry Doyle: What the hell are you doing here? I thought you was workin'.
- Archie Long: I quit.
- Harry Doyle: You quit?
- Archie Long: Couldn't take it anymore. People treating me like dirt ever since I got out of jail. Sweeping out toilets, scraping crud off dishes, my girlfriend tryin' to kill me with sex - and I'm dressing like Bozo the Clown, just to fit in! I don't want to fit in anymore.
- Harry Doyle: That makes two of us.
- [Archie has just landed a job at Penguin's]
- Archie Long: What'll it be, sport?
- Yogurt boy: Let me have strawberry yogurt. No, chocolate. No... Strawberry!
- Archie Long: Look, kid... Just take your time, okay? Let me know when you've made up your mind.
- Yogurt boy: I've already made up my mind.
- Archie Long: So do you want chocolate or strawberry?
- Yogurt boy: Neither. I want amarillo.
- [Archie starts to get it for him]
- Yogurt boy: Hey, that's GELLOTTI! I asked for YOGURT!
- Archie Long: [peering at it] I don't see any difference.
- Yogurt boy: GELLOTTI is made out of CREAM! YOGURT is made out of BACTERIA CULTURE! Where were you raised, in a cave?
- Archie Long: All right, all right...
- [gets the yogurt for him]
- Archie Long: ... What, did I leave something out?
- Yogurt boy: What about my toppings? You're supposed to ask me what kind of toppings I want.
- Archie Long: Okay... What kind of toppings do you want?
- Yogurt boy: Do you have peanut butter M&M's?
- [Archie starts to put those on the yogurt]
- Yogurt boy: Hey, what are you doing? I didn't say I WANTED m&m's! I just asked if you HAD them!
- Archie Long: Yeah, we got 'em.
- Yogurt boy: Well, I don't want 'em! Do you have Oreo pieces?
- Archie Long: [holding those up] You want 'em?
- Yogurt boy: That's why I asked. And walnuts... NOT peanuts, WALNUTS. And jellybeans... NOT m&m's; I HATE m&m's... JELLYBEANS. And almond slices instead of walnuts.
- [the sweating Archie brings him the completed yogurt]
- Yogurt boy: Forget it; I'll just have it plain.
- Archie Long: [forcing himself not to faint, Archie scrapes everything off the yogurt] You sure you still want it?
- Yogurt boy: Of course I do! What do you think I came in here for?
- [Archie throws the yogurt in the boy's face]
- Archie Long: [smiling] You got it, kid. That'll be a $1.60, please.
- [after Leon is thrown by Harry and Archie off the Gold Coast train]
- Leon B. Little: This ain't over you bastards! I'm gonna get you guys, even if it takes another 30 years!
- Archie Long: I never thought the great Harry Doyle would turn into a gutless wimp!
- Harry Doyle: Keep it up Arch, I'll put another hole in that chin a yours!
- Belle: Call the police!
- Howard: I did!
- [Enter Yablonski; Belle karate-chops his arm and grabs his gun]
- Belle: Call the police!
- Deke Yablonski: [grabbing his gun back] God damn it, lady! I AM the police!
- Leon B. Little: Where are they?
- Richie Evans: Where are who?
- Leon B. Little: Harry Doyle and Archie Long.
- Richie Evans: That's privileged information. I can't tell you.
- Leon B. Little: [threatens to shoot him] Oh yeah!
- Richie Evans: [closes eyes] You can shoot me, but I still won't tell. Harry and Archie are my friends.
- [Leon moves to filing cabinet and looks there. A moment later, Richie opens his eyes and starts to get up]
- Leon B. Little: You'll never make it dip-shit. Sit!
- Man in gay bar: Shall we?
- Archie Long: Shall we what?
- Man in gay bar: Shall we dance?
- [Archie looks around and sees males dancing with each other, and suddenly realizes he's in a gay bar; he quickly leaves while the man makes an "oh well" shrug. Archie exits the place and runs into Harry on the street]
- Archie Long: [to Harry] You don't want to go in there!
- Harry Doyle: Well, what do you want to do now, Archie? Steal another empty armored truck? Maybe start a collection?
- Archie Long: No, we've got to do something big. Something they woun't laugh at.
- Harry Doyle: Like what?
- Archie Long: We could take down the flier!
- Harry Doyle: The Gold Coast Flier? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!
- Archie Long: That's what you said about the armored truck.
- Harry Doyle: No, I said the armored truck was dumb. This is stupid.
- Archie Long: [to Schultz] Screw you!
- Archie Long: [to Schultz's parrot after it repeats "screw you"] Screw you, too!
- Leon B. Little: Ah, lovers' quarrel! It breaks my heart. Turn around, worm food! Start walking! And don't try anything stupid or you'll die right here! And don't let the goggles fool ya, buster! I'm a sharpshooter!
- [They enter an alleyway]
- Leon B. Little: All right, turn here! Turn! What the hell is this, a parade?
- Harry Doyle: Where are we going, friend?
- Leon B. Little: We're going up this alley, 'friend'.
- Archie Long: And then what?
- Leon B. Little: And then I'm coming out... alone.
- [Harry and Archie move a construction barrier and Leon falls screaming down a manhole]
- Leon B. Little: Come back, you bastards! Let's finish it once and for all! You'll rot! It stinks down here!
- Harry Doyle: Finish it? Finish what?
- Archie Long: You sure you don't know that guy?
- Harry Doyle: No.
- Leon B. Little: Damn it, I'm up to my knees in guck!
- Harry Doyle: Could we be losing our memories?
- Archie Long: I dunno. Could be, Harry.
- Leon B. Little: I'm gonna get pneumonia!
- Archie Long: Who the hell are you, anyway?
- Leon B. Little: I'm Peter Pan. I've come to take you to Never-Never Land, okay? But you won't be comin' back!
- Harry Doyle: You mind telling us why you want to kill us?
- Leon B. Little: I'm Leon B. Little.
- Archie Long, Harry Doyle: So?
- Leon B. Little: Leon B. Little! Don't the name mean nothin' to ya?
- Archie Long, Harry Doyle: No.
- Leon B. Little: Do you at least know Vinnie Mendelman?
- Archie Long, Harry Doyle: Yeah.
- Leon B. Little: [to a reporter] Thank God they know somebody!
- [first lines]
- Archie Long: I'm tellin' ya, Harry...
- Harry Doyle: I know, I know. We could have got away with it.
- Archie Long: Did I say that before?
- Harry Doyle: Every day for thirty years.
- Leon B. Little: [hears sirens approaching] Uh-oh! Coppers.
- [grabs nearby walker and starts to stand up]
- Cop: [rushes up and helps Leon] You okay, sir?
- Leon B. Little: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
- [after cop leaves, mutters]
- Leon B. Little: Assholes.
- [in Harry's nightmare, Archie is about to hold the conductor up when suddenly he spins around and turns out to be Yablonski]
- Deke Yablonski: Once a thief, always a thief.
- [taking Archie to a second job]
- Richie Evans: Look I know how you feel, but you can't go throwing yogurt into everyone's faces when you lose your cool.
- Harry Doyle: There ain't nothing to steal on the Gold Coast Flier.
- Archie Long: So? We'll steal the whole Goddamn train and ride it to Mexico.
- Harry Doyle: What for?
- Archie Long: To prove we can do it! It's the only thing that we'll have done to have worked out.
- Harry Doyle: You can't do this!
- Archie Long: Harry, I'm sick and tired of you telling me what I can do and what I can't do.
- Harry Doyle: Archie, the Gold Coast Flier is no armored truck. It's a 70-ton train speeding at 100 miles per hour.
- Archie Long: That didn't stop us the last time.
- Harry Doyle: The last time we were 30 years younger and we got caught. We were put away for 30 years!
- Archie Long: Now we're 30 years smarter. We woun't make the same mistakes.
- Harry Doyle: That's right. Because we ain't gonna do it.
- Bank Robber #1: [as Harry wrests his gun from him] I'll kill you, man! I was only kiddin', Grampa! Let me go!
- Harry Doyle: Grampa, huh?
- Archie Long: What are you gonna do with him, Harry?
- Harry Doyle: I'm gonna blow his head off.
- Archie Long: No, you don't want to do that.
- Harry Doyle: He was disrespectful to me!
- Archie Long: But you just got your suit cleaned. You'll get brains all over it.
- Harry Doyle: This punk don't have any brains.
- Archie Long: Yeah. But there'll be blood. All red and sticky, *bleah*. It'll be messy.
- Harry Doyle: Get a mop!
- Archie Long: Okay...
- [Harry cocks the gun and the robber faints]
- Archie Long: These guys are in the wrong business.
- Harry Doyle: They don't make crooks like they used to.
- [Yablonski is eating a sandwich in his car spying on Harry and Archie when he gets a signal on his police radio]
- Jarvis: 1-Adam 27, please respond.
- Deke Yablonski: 1-Adam 27.
- Jarvis: Yablonski, this is Jarvis. What the hell are you doing?
- Deke Yablonski: Eating lunch, sir.
- Jarvis: Bullshit, Yablonski! I know what you're doing, and if you're not back here in ten minutes, you're going to be eating your retirement dinner tonight.
- Deke Yablonski: Yes, sir.
- [tossing his sandwich aside]
- Deke Yablonski: Son of a bitch!
- Archie Long: [Asking Derek for advice on clothes for a date] She said "look hot". How about something in blue?
- Derek: Blue is cold, sir. Red, is hot.
- Archie Long: Okay, something in red.
- Derek: We don't carry red, sir. Our colors are: peach, lime, cherry, mocha, almond, and avocado.
- Archie Long: Hey, I don't wanna eat the suit, I just wanna wear it.
- Derek: [Deadpan] Ha-ha-ha. One moment, sir.
- [after learning that Archie and Harry stole an armored truck]
- Richie Evans: I can't believe you guys stole an armored truck.
- Richie Evans: They came out of prison asking for our help, and all we did was give them a bunch of rules!
- Richie's Boss: That's the system.
- Richie Evans: No, no. We treated them like little children. We told them where to live, where to work, who to see, how to behave!
- Richie's Boss: That's how this system works.
- Richie Evans: Well, then this system *sucks.*
- [at the open prison gate]
- Archie Long: After you.
- Harry Doyle: No, after you.
- Archie Long: No, no. Age before beauty.
- Harry Doyle: [laughing] Pearls before swine!
- Archie Long: Anything you say, Harry... long as we get the hell out of here.
- Prison Guard: [tauntingly] See you guys in one week!
- [Archie flips him the bird behind his back]
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