Tom Pardew credited as playing...
Don
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: I'm sorry, Don. Are you wearing makeup?
- Don: Well, there's nothing wrong with it. I mean, a lot of men wear makeup. It accents the cheek bone, accentuates the jaw line. Nothing feminine about taking advantage of modern day health aids
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: It's alright. I don't mind. it's okay. What were you going to say?
- Don: Tesia, my sweet. I would be most honored
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: I'm sorry, Don. Uh, could you fix your lipstick first, please? It's real distracting.
- Don: No problem. How's that?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Better, thanks. Ah, you were saying?
- Don: Tesia, my dear. There comes a time in a man's life
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don?
- Don: Yes, my dear?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Um, would that be a matt or a gloss?
- Don: That's a matt.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: It's nice work.
- Don: Look, Tesia. My lips are Maybelline, my eyes are Max factor, hair's Grecian formula number nine. Are there any more questions? Could I please pronounce my love for you?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: I think you're getting a bit defensive.
- Don: Darn it, Tesia. Where's the mystery? Where's the joy of discovery? We're not leaving anything for the wedding night.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Oh yes we are. We still don't know if anything else is real.
- Don: Tesia, where are you going?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don, stop whining. You bore me sometimes.
- Don: Tesia, stop it.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don't whine. Now, I'm going home to think over the proposal. You may take me to lunch tomorrow and we'll discuss it then.
- Don: But I haven't even proposed to you yet.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Alright, go ahead.
- Don: Will you marry me?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: I'll think about it.
- Mrs. Shlumsky: What the H.E. double toothpicks are you talking about?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Alright Mrs Shtumpsky, the gig is up. We know about the extra bodies.
- Mrs. Shlumsky: Huh?
- Albert: Look, don't toy with her.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: That's right. I've covered for you and Granddad long enough. Spill it, you old fool!
- Mrs. Shlumsky: What's your problem?
- Desmond: Officers, if I may be of assistance. Apparently this mortuary has been disposing of more dearly departed than it can account for.
- Don: I'm no party to this, I swear.
- Albert: Wait a minute, you knew about all of this?
- Desmond: Of course.
- Albert: Well then what's with "Give me the March, where's the April"?
- Desmond: MEANii provides proper procedures in perpetuity.
- Mrs. Shlumsky: Mmm, alliteration.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don't try and backtrack now, Mrs Shtumpsky. You're caught.
- Mrs. Shlumsky: You're all going mental.
- Desmond: I have all the evidence required for a full-scale investigation. More than two-thirds of your clients were never declared deceased persons. Most had only one name. For example, July nineteen, Montgomery, male. No death certificate was ever issued.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: So what do you say to that, huh?
- Hope: Wait a minute. What are you people talking about? Montgomery was a Persian.
- Don: Murderers! Racists!
- Crosby: No, not at all. We don't care about race, creed or pedigree.
- Hope: That's right. We bury animals from all walks of life.
- Desmond: Animals? Well, of course animals don't come under MEANii's jurisdiction. Wait a minute. This is no pet cemetery. All these burials were in areas set aside for people.
- Crosby: Where do you think they're coming from? Don't you remember what Shirley Mack said? We are all equal souls whatever incarnation.
- Albert: Wait a minute. You guys hid those bills?
- Hope: We figured if they didn't exist, then the deaths wouldn't either.
- Mrs. Shlumsky: Existential thinking.
- Desmond: I am at a loss. Animals are a whole different ball of fur. I declare the Papadapacropolis audit officially over.
- Rossoti: Anyway, we got our man.
- [looks around for Coats, who has quietly slipped away]
- Rossoti: Phelps? Phelps! Phelps!
- Don: [Tesia and Albert embrace] Now stop that.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Can't wait to tell Granddad. He's gonna die when he hears about this!
- Albert: I think he already has.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: What?
- Widow Knockerby: Dear? Dear? Dear, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. Lucille Cross.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Oh, so nice to meet you, Miss Cross.
- Lucille: Mrs. Cross, thank you.
- Widow Knockerby: Well actually now it'd be the widow Cross.
- Lucille: You're right.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: I'm so sorry.
- Lucille: It's very recent.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Oh, I understand.
- Albert: Isn't that Deputy Don?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don! I forgot!
- Lucille: Oh, I forget sometimes too, dear. It gets worse as you get older.
- Widow Knockerby: Lucille was commenting on the extraordinary way you displayed Clarence. So decorative.
- Albert: You're meeting him here? Love among the dead? It's so gothic.
- Widow Knockerby: Lucille was seriously considering having Marvin done here.
- Albert: Sounds as if she wants him to have a haircut.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don!
- Don: Hiya honey.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Hi dear.
- Don: Albert.
- Albert: Hi partner.
- Don: Don.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don, I'd like you to meet Mrs Knockerby and, I'm sorry, what was your name?
- Lucille: Lucille.
- Widow Knockerby: The widow Cross.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Don, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel tonight.
- Don: Oh drat! It's only one night, Teezy-weezy.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Something has come up, dear.
- Albert: Teezy-weezy?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Albert! And I have to work tonight.
- Don: Oh? Do you work here now, Albert?
- Albert: No, actually I'm still in linen.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Albert sells bathroom towels.
- Albert: Well, because you can never have enough after-bath wraps.
- Don: I can.
- Widow Knockerby: The widow Cross's Marvin was a big fan of Gypsy Rose Lee.
- Lucille: That's right, and I was thinking maybe a burlesque motif for the service.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: I beg your pardon?
- Lucille: Well, you know, a kind of New Orleans feel.
- Widow Knockerby: Oh, Lucille, this is the girl who designed Clarence's face.
- Lucille: Oh, I was so impressed. We were just discussing my Marvin. I think I'd like to send him off as a chorus line kicker!
- Albert: Hi Don. How was the show?
- Don: It was exciting , thank you. Rona Barrett was something else. So how's business doing?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Terrific.
- Don: I understand people are just dying to come in here.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Yeah. Close the door. Come on in.
- Albert: I see you went to Penn State.
- Don: No, that was Arkansas State.
- Albert: Oh.
- Don: Gotcha!
- Albert: You got me.
- Don: So shouldn't we be leaving now, Tesia? We have reservations at twelve.
- Albert: Does your mother know you're out that late?
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: I'm just going to freshen up, then I'll be right back.
- Don: Albert.
- Albert: Don.
- Don: I would like to have a little man to man chat.
- Albert: Alright, well let me go outside and find one.
- Don: No, really. I'd like to talk turkey.
- Albert: Alright, but I warn you, my turkey's a little rusty.
- Don: Look Albert, I appreciate your giving me those tickets to Circus of the Stars, but in retrospect I think you were trying to get rid of me.
- Albert: Oh, Don. No. No!
- Don: Yes, I do. I feel it was slightly underhand of you.
- Albert: Huh! I'm taken aback by your affront.
- Don: And I believe that somehow you're trying to come between Tesia and myself.
- Albert: Don't you think you're being a little possessive, Don?
- Don: If I am possessive, so be it. Tesia is the perfect gal for me.
- Albert: Don't break into song, please.
- Don: We are the above standard unit.
- Albert: Pardon me while I get my yuppity English dictionary.
- Don: We have similar social concerns, share the same political bent..
- Albert: Operative word being bent.
- Don: And our tastes, both our tastes run towards the traditional, but with a new age slant.
- Albert: So you'll have a fancy kitchen, Don. What are you trying to tell me?
- Don: Well, in short I intend to..
- Albert: Make an honest woman of her?
- Don: Ask her for her hand.
- Albert: Well, you're lucky. It's a blue light special. You can have the rest of her this week, too.
- Don: Go ahead, make your jokes. I felt I would make my intentions known to you because I do see you as possible.. competition.
- Albert: Believe me, Don. It's no competition.
- Tesia Papadapacropolis: Um, I'm all set. Shall we? See you, Albert.